AIBU to struggle with family's MH needs? [Title edited by MNHQ]

[Jellymuffin]

My mum, brother and late Nan all have depression which manifests itself as not taking any responsibility for their actions, accepting NO criticism in and area, being massively jealous and negative about everyone - even family and friends and generally expecting everyone else to be responsible for their happiness while being vile to them.

I've had enough of unthoughtful comments, especially from my mum, and I don't want to be in the pity party anymore. I had awful post natal depression and got literally no sympathy. When I tried to talk to my mum about it she tried to out do me by telling me she'd attempted suicide. I had non of the attributes my family portray and instead felt dead inside, not good enough and very hard on MYSELF not others.

I faked it till I made it, tried to be positive and pulled through (my husband doesn't really do depression unlike my dad who is a total enabler to my mum) I know I am lucky but I just don't have time for those who don't at least try to sort themselves and almost revel in having an excuse to behave however they want. So, am I an awful daughter as my mum suggests in her passive aggressive Facebook posts?

You should have sympathy for depression. It's a terrible thing.

You should not have to put up with emotional manipulation such as threatening suicide to get their own way. That is not depression, its manipulation. From your posts their seem to be other issues here as well.

You can feel sympathy for someone and still disagree with some of their actions. You can support someone through depression and not tolerate certain behaviours.

Where you're falling down (and what you're being flamed for) is not acknowledging the difference between depression and bad behaviour and assuming that because you pulled yourself out of your depression everyone can.

Have sympathy for the family member. Support them - but do not allow your life to be damaged by certain behaviours. Depression does not cause a person to behave like a shit - but people who are shits can get depressed too.

It's nothing to do with virtue signalling. It's challenging harmful attitudes towards mental health issues when you see them.

Yes, of course it's difficult to live with someone who has depression. Many of us have probably been in this position at some point. If that person won't access help then at some stage you have to make the decision whether you drown with them or cut yourself free. It's also difficult to have family members who blame all of their shortcomings on their depression, when in actual fact they are selfish and controlling people who just happen to also have depression.

It's not OK to suggest that you wash your hands of every single person with depression, therefore tarring every sufferer with the same brush. It's not OK to suggest that people with depression can just pull themselves together or "fake it till they make it". These attitudes are deeply ingrained in so many people, like the OP, who just spout them out without a thought. And it needs challenging wherever you see it because it is so, so harmful to people suffering from mental health issues. This is why it's so difficult to seek help for so many people.

When I am depressed I don't know how anyone puts up with me.

YANBU, op! I recognise and know the controlling, narcissistic type of you mention. Totally get your situation. Prioritise your own wellbeing for now and be strong.

Me too Poor

suspect you have hit close to home to some with some of them and it makes uncomfortable reading to hear the impact their depression may have on other family members

Are you fucking serious? Do you know how many people suffering from depression kill themselves for this exact reason?? What a great thing to write on an open forum that absolutely anybody can read.

Yes, lots of people with depression know exactly how much it affects their family. Not because they are selfish or manipulative. Because THEY ARE ILL. What would you have them do? Move themselves into a colony? Would you dream of guilt tripping someone with cancer or liver disease or a disability over how their condition impacts their family? No. Because as ever, the assumption is that people with mental health issues are in some way to blame for their illness and can choose to 'snap out of it'.

Walk away if you can't be bothered to listen to them but don't be surprised if something terrible happens

I've dealt with a lot and im talking triple figures suicide attempts in my family member over the years, but the second they tried to mainipulate me with that bollocks I would take a very large step back in my care of them. You own your own shit and nobody else is responsible for your actions.

It's pretty obvious the OPs issue needed just a little bit of sifting to get to the real issue and I'm talking a tiny bit and now someone who's probably feeling a bit distressed has been chased away because apparently people can't read the room in their rush to challenge and give a good kicking.

my husband doesn't really do depression unlike my dad who is a total enabler to my mum
I have been told my whole life the behaviour was because of depression and when I got depression I didn't have any of the same symptoms. Maybe i have been misled by my family.

I think that, even though you ve had PND and obvioulsy have suffered dépression yourself, you dont actually know about all the different presentations that depression has
.Depression isnt just being dead inside and being hard on yourself. Its not just the way you had depression (you can also be very angry, uninterested in thiings around you, unable to get of bed or at the opposite ready to do stupid things or spend huge amounts of money)
.And you can enable or not depression either.

However, if these situations are an issues for YOUR MH, then by any mean, avoid them.
Just remember that maybe it doesnt also mean that your family isn't depressed etc...

I'm slightly confused by the

depression = you have to understand its an illness
narcissistic disorder = fuck em.

Surely both of these diagnosis are of real disorders? Surely in both cases the deal is support people to access treatment and walk away if they are not interested or are making your life unbearable?

Also worth remembering that being depressed and being manipulative arent mutually exclusive ....
(I actually believe they might well be feeding each other actually)

Surely both of these diagnosis are of real disorders? Surely in both cases the deal is support people to access treatment and walk away if they are not interested or are making your life unbearable?

They are but I believe only one of them can be treated. To be treated for something you have to know and believe you have it.

On the whole I think perhaps a better thread title might have been "AIBU to have no time for people who use mental health problems as a free pass to behave like cunts?" - to which the only sensible answer would be no, of course not.

@Jellymuffin . This isn't depression. This is narcissism. Your mother may be depressed as well but I would have thought her narcissism needs addressing before any depression. My mother is the most negative person on the planet and manipulative and thinks her mental health is just fine. It isn't. Yours uses suicide, mine uses money.

I don't think you should get this thread deleted. There is a lot of very good information.

Maria the PP I was referring to made no distinction between depression sufferers who are being treated and those who have not sought help.

It's quite stunning that so few people seem to appreciate the irony in painting depression sufferers as selfish/having brought it on themselves etc but also are very quick to criticise those who find it difficult to seek help. Can you not see the connection there? If there wasn't a stigma attached to mental health issues due to ignorant attitudes then maybe people would seek help more often and there wouldn't be so many families affected by a member with a mental illness.

My SIL sounds a lot like your mum OP.

Suffers from depression, has never worked (can't hold down a job) has 4 kids but can't be bothered to raise them regularly swanning off and leaving them in the care of my poor PIL (FIL has very bad health, I genuinely don't know how he copes), spends days in bed with migraines but doesn't seek treatment for them.... the list goes on.

My DH and I have absolutely NO time for her. She is selfish, destructive and manipulative and I'm sure she uses her depression as an excuse for her vile behaviour. I'd have more sympathy for her if she actively sought help for her "condition" but she doesn't and her children are the ones who suffer the most!

So no, I don't think YABU at all. You have my every sympathy OP. I think distancing yourself from your family would be a good idea, concentrate on your own health and wellbeing

I think going down the route of 'deserving' and 'undeserving' sick is totally wrong. It only leads to nastiness and bitterness and, quite frankly, where does it stop? Do sick people have to take a test to prove their worth now?

Not that I don't understand the difficulties the OP is having over dealing with the fallout, at all. She needs a real break, the load needs to be better shared.

So If depression is a disease, only medicine can cure it, is that what is being suggested? Only a doctor can fix you? Yes?

I have been hospitalised twice with depression and have lived with it for over 20 years. It is a real illness. YABVU. Depression affects people differently. Don't play depression Top Trumps with your family.

My sister has always been ill, ever since she was little, my family tends to pretend nothings wrong or that she's getting better when she isn't. I just except it now, but I can't be around her. I would love to see her, and if I had somebody with me who was not a family member, I would gladly do so but not on my own knowing how unpredictable she is. It's very very hard.

Harry why don't you spend a few minutes on Google? I'm not sure what your point is. Depression presents in different ways, sufferers may experience episodes of feeling well and episodes of depression etc. There is not one treatment that will "fix" every sufferer.

thyre not depressed its narcissistic-im not nasty to people i just go in myself

thyv picked most common mh illness to use for their behaviour

I can relate to how you feel, OP.
My mother is one of those “always depressed people”.
I have now known that even if she suffers from depression, she is a truly horrible person.

Everything has to be about her.
Picks offence at everyone and everything.
Every big occasion gets ruined by her.
If you live your formative years with a person like this as your mother, masking disgusting behaviour as depression, I understand if you say you have no time for people who genuinely suffer from depression.

I delibrately chose to have a small wedding of 8 people (immediate family only) because I can count on her ruining my day.
When she’s not crying, she is yelling. Nobody can bear her.
Every of my major life decision has to be dictated by how far away fom her I can get.

Gosh! Writing this down has even put a downer on my morning