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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Neighbour borrowing nanny - AIBU?

184 replies

RNBrie · 14/06/2017 07:47

We had an au pair last year who was brilliant and would babysit for neighbours regularly. One neighbour used her a lot and had her doing regular childcare on the days we didn't need her. It got a bit awkward after a while as neighbour would ask au pair to mind her child when au pair was looking after mine (usually after school, could au pair pick up hers too and take her child to play ground and return her home at tea time). Sometimes she offered to pay her and sometimes not. It then got to the stage where au pair was collecting neighbour's child from school every day. I did step in at this point and tried to put a stop to it, but neighbour had a lot of "emergencies" and au pair really struggled to say no.

I am now back at work after dc3 and we have hired a nanny. Nanny's second day was yesterday. I came home from work a bit early so called nanny to find out where they were and met them in the park. Nanny had neighbours child with her. Nanny said neighbour had asked her to watch her child as she had to pop to the shops for 5 mins. That was 45 mins ago. Neighbour then turned up with a takeaway coffee and a couple of bags of shopping.

I am pissed off. Nanny is a lot more expensive than au pair and should be watching my three dc in the park, not someone else's dc. AIBU?!?

But... I can also see neighbour's point of view - they were in the park anyway. She doesn't have anyone to help with childcare. She is trying to set up her own business. Women should help other women etc.

I have told nanny that she should say no if asked again. But I am aware of how hard it is to say no to neighbour. So I think I need to speak to neighbour. But what do I say?!? I won't see her today as I am at work but I will tomorrow. Should I text today instead?

She took my nanny's number as she left the playground and I assume she plans on using her for babysitting.

My dc are 5, 3 and 1. Her dc is 5 and she also has a 13 year old.

OP posts:
Lokisglowstickofdestiny · 14/06/2017 07:50

Babysitting when she is not working for you is fine, anything else is cheeky. I would just simply say that it isn't possible for your nanny to look after her children while she is looking after yours, there is no need for a convuluted explanation.

SleepFreeZone · 14/06/2017 07:55

You are hoing to have to tackle your neighbour about this and make it explicitly clear that she is not touse your child's Nanny as a babysitting service for her own children.

MsJolly · 14/06/2017 07:55

I would do it face to face and just say that you are paying the nanny to look after your children and now that you have 3 and one is a baby, that YOUR nanny is unable to look after her child when she is supposed to be looking after yours, & that you would appreciate it if she didn't ask your nanny to do this. Make it clear to your nanny that her responsibilities are with your children and that she is not to look after the neighbours child on your time/dime, even for "5mins"! your neighbour is a chancer Tell the nanny that you have told the neighbour she is not to ask, which will empower her to be able to say no.

Obviously she is able to ask the nanny if she would like to take on paid babysitting in her own time-though make it clear to your nanny that she can say no to this if she wants as well.

mickeysminnie · 14/06/2017 07:55

You cannot control your neighbour but you can 'control' your nanny to the extent that it is unacceptable to be minding another persons children while she is minding yours.
If the nanny wants to do your neighbour the favour that is fine but you will reduce her wages accordingly.
Not to be mean but give your nanny a firm reason why she shouldn't do this.

IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 14/06/2017 07:58

Babysitting outside of her working hours with you is fine but the neighbour palming her kid off when the nanny is working for you? No, not on.

As she's just started I'd nip this in the bud immediately...no "as a one of" or "it's ok in an emergency"...just a blanket "No" is fine!

From your nannys POV, it's incredibly hard to say No to someone who seems to be a family friend without feeling as if you'll make the situation between your bosses and this friend v awkward (I'm a nanny and I've had to grow a backbone to say no!) so it's best (and fairer) if you just say absolutely not to the neighbour!

Kokusai · 14/06/2017 07:58

It is completely unacceptable for the nanny to look after another persons child whilst employed to look after your children.

It is not up to the nanny to say yes or no - she needs to refer all requested from cheeky neighbour to you. "Sorry, I'm employed by RNBrie on these days, if it is an emergency please can you phone RNBrie to ask?"

The nanny is probably annoyed too, I bet cheeky neighbour told her you said it was OK.

Decaffstilltastesweird · 14/06/2017 07:59

This isn't on imo. When you are paying your nanny to look after your children, she shouldn't be taking in more children. Your neighbour sounds like a bit of a pisstaker tbh. I would make it clear to the nanny that you want her to say no if the neighbour asks again. Explain what happened with the au pair. I'm sure she doesn't want to find herself doing an extra school pick up every day without being paid for it either.

It would be different if it was on the nanny's own time when she might want to supplement her income with babysitting, (if she does this I hope she makes sure she is paid for it properly).

It would also be different if your children were friends on a play date, but that isn't what this sounds like.

ElspethFlashman · 14/06/2017 07:59

You could tell your Nanny to say that she's not insured to look after any other child than her charges. Then stand firm.

Warn your Nanny that the piss will be well and truly taken, and it will escalate, so she needs to nip it in the bud now.

The Nanny is a grown professional and shouldn't need you to step in, tbh. She should be able to protect herself from people who take advantage.

TheClacksAreDown · 14/06/2017 08:00

Your neighbour is clearly the type who if given an inch will take a mile. I would speak to her face to face and say that whilst she can make arrangements with your nanny for out of hours babysitting if the nanny is willing, during working hours she is not to be approached to provide childcare for her. You need to nip this in the bud right now.

TwoBlueFish · 14/06/2017 08:02

Give your Nanny a set response to use every time she is asked "I'm sorry my contract states I cannot look after other children without the express permission of my employer". Then have a word with your neighbour and say the same.

FluffyWhiteTowels · 14/06/2017 08:03

If the small family child care home caregiver/teacher has one child under two years of age in care, then the small family child care home caregiver/teacher may have one to three children over two years of age in care

Just googled this. You have 3 children with 1 under the age of 2 years. So it isn't safe for your nanny to look after neighbours child as you are employing her to be professional childcare.

This explanation may make the conversation with your neighbour easier? She is taking the peewee again. So frustrating to find yourself in this situation. Sorry for you.

cluelessnewmum · 14/06/2017 08:05

I would text / email the neighbour as you need to have it in writing, just say your nanny has her hands full with 3 small children and you're not prepared for her to divide her time between your children and someone else's. Tell her that the nanny has been told not to look after anyone else's children even for 5 minutes so please don't put her in an awkward position by asking her.

Then tell the nanny she's not allowed to do it again. I would also stipulate that she can't babysit for this particular woman in her time off as she's taken liberties on the past.

Obviously your relationship with the neighbour will be affected but I don't see any other way. It's ridiculous, as surely the 13 year old can be trusted to look after the 5 year old for short periods?

flumpybear · 14/06/2017 08:05

I'd go with the insurance thing, she's contracted to look after three kids, four would negate your own kids insurance so can she ask someone else to look after her children

If I saw a neighbour in the park I wouldn't even consider asking them to have my children if I was then off to the shops -
They come too - my responsibility as a parent

I don't have this problem as I can work around difficulties and just leave work carrying on at home if I need to, but occasionally e.g. If you're stuck in traffic or on a train and can't get to nursery or school to pick up on time - not to piss off to the shops - entitlement!! She's your nanny, not your neighbours slave

RoseVase2010 · 14/06/2017 08:07

Explain to neighbour that your nanny is not insured to look after more than X number of children so could she please refrain from dumping leaving her children with her.

Ceto · 14/06/2017 08:07

Suggest to your nanny that she blocks neighbour's number, unless of course she wants to babysit in her own time.

IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 14/06/2017 08:08

You can't stipulate who the nanny works for during her time off!

babsjonhson · 14/06/2017 08:08

Neighbour is taking the piss. If she wants child are she needs to sort it and pay for it.

GrumpyOldBag · 14/06/2017 08:14

Your nanny is already responsible for 3 children, it is very unreasonable for her to be asked to look after any more at the same time.

expatinscotland · 14/06/2017 08:14

'But... I can also see neighbour's point of view - they were in the park anyway. She doesn't have anyone to help with childcare. She is trying to set up her own business. Women should help other women etc.

I have told nanny that she should say no if asked again. But I am aware of how hard it is to say no to neighbour. So I think I need to speak to neighbour. But what do I say?!? I won't see her today as I am at work but I will tomorrow. Should I text today instead?'

Are you on glue?! Her childcare problems are hers. You are paying for her childcare. You see her point of view, because here is the reality of her point of view: she is taking money out of your purse same as if she invited herself into your home, waltzed up to your handbag and helped herself.

Text her today! 'I understand you are using the nanny I employ as ad hoc childcare and that you have even requested her mobile number. I have made it clear to her that she is not to provide childcare for you whilst carrying out her duties as our nanny, even if she is going someone with my children. No 'I'll just be 5 minutes', 'I'm just popping to the shops' or 'emergencies'. Sadly we had this issue come up when we had an au pair and frankly I am tired of being used to provide free childcare to you. It's unfortunate it's come to this, but I feel so taken advantage of I can't see any other way, Best of luck in your endeavours.'

I'd let your nanny know she is free to block this woman on her phone, but that she is not to provide childcare again to this woman.

Grow a spine and stop being used as her personal doormat.

charlestonchaplin · 14/06/2017 08:16

It seems half the people on mumsnet are spineless wimps. You stood by while your au pair was used and abused by your neighbour and you seem about to do the same with your nanny. No-one on the Internet can help you find the gumption required to do the necessary. You know what you need to do, you just don't want to do it.

diddl · 14/06/2017 08:18

Well as the neighbour has already taken the piss by 5 mins being 45, hopefully your nanny already has the picture & will be able to say no in future?

Just tell the nanny no more-but obviously what she does in her own time is up to her.

Original poster
RNBrie · 14/06/2017 08:19

Ok thanks everyone. I had already warned nanny about this neighbour but she said it took her by surprise and she struggled to say no.

We have talked about it again and I told her to use the contract line suggested above - that her contract says she can't mind other children unless it's been agreed in advance - and neighbour would have to call me to discuss it.

I am happy for nanny to babysit for neighbour outside of my hours. I know neighbour is struggling generally (she has a usless dh) and I don't want to be a bitch. But I also don't want to be a mug.

I can either text neighbour today or speak to her tomorrow but it looks like the consensus is to do it face to face.

OP posts:
viques · 14/06/2017 08:20

If you take your car to the garage for a service your neighbour does not qualify for a free oil change and new screen washers. If you go to your hairdressers for a cut and foils your neighbour does not get comped a blow dry. If your cleaner does a deep clean of your house she does not pop round to the neighbours to hoover their stairs. Your supermarket delivery does not include a bag of organic veg for your neighbour. If you are paying for a nanny your neighbour does not qualify for free babysitting. your neighbour needs this week's gold medal for most entitled . but you have to admire her cheek.

Original poster
RNBrie · 14/06/2017 08:30

I'm honestly not spineless. I am more an "all guns blazing live to regret it later" type and I did just want to check that telling her to fuck off wasn't unreasonable.

Then I do have Madeleine Albright and her special place in hell reserved for women who don't help other women ringing in my ears.

OP posts:
PovertyPain · 14/06/2017 08:33

NO, OP! Not if 'arranged in advance', because that gives your neighbour an in. Tell your nanny you're paying her to look after YOUR children and not the neighbour's. Your neighbour's lazy prick of a husband is not your problem and I don't see why your children should be put at risk. What happens if your nanny is busy with her child and takes her eye off your children, then one gets hurt? How are you going to feel?

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