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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Neighbour borrowing nanny - AIBU?

184 replies

RNBrie · 14/06/2017 07:47

We had an au pair last year who was brilliant and would babysit for neighbours regularly. One neighbour used her a lot and had her doing regular childcare on the days we didn't need her. It got a bit awkward after a while as neighbour would ask au pair to mind her child when au pair was looking after mine (usually after school, could au pair pick up hers too and take her child to play ground and return her home at tea time). Sometimes she offered to pay her and sometimes not. It then got to the stage where au pair was collecting neighbour's child from school every day. I did step in at this point and tried to put a stop to it, but neighbour had a lot of "emergencies" and au pair really struggled to say no.

I am now back at work after dc3 and we have hired a nanny. Nanny's second day was yesterday. I came home from work a bit early so called nanny to find out where they were and met them in the park. Nanny had neighbours child with her. Nanny said neighbour had asked her to watch her child as she had to pop to the shops for 5 mins. That was 45 mins ago. Neighbour then turned up with a takeaway coffee and a couple of bags of shopping.

I am pissed off. Nanny is a lot more expensive than au pair and should be watching my three dc in the park, not someone else's dc. AIBU?!?

But... I can also see neighbour's point of view - they were in the park anyway. She doesn't have anyone to help with childcare. She is trying to set up her own business. Women should help other women etc.

I have told nanny that she should say no if asked again. But I am aware of how hard it is to say no to neighbour. So I think I need to speak to neighbour. But what do I say?!? I won't see her today as I am at work but I will tomorrow. Should I text today instead?

She took my nanny's number as she left the playground and I assume she plans on using her for babysitting.

My dc are 5, 3 and 1. Her dc is 5 and she also has a 13 year old.

OP posts:
Ktown · 14/06/2017 21:35

Your nanny will resign if your neighbour continues to abuse her and your good nature.
She isn't employed to look after her child too. It just isn't fair on the nanny, never mind the child.

timeisnotaline · 14/06/2017 21:45

I think your text was great , clear message and keeps you on a neighbourly footing. Also it seems perfectly reasonable to have some sympathy for her having a hard time even though you aren't going to let her take the piss with your nanny. Don't know why everyone here thinks you should set off a nuclear bomb.

StarHeartDiamond · 14/06/2017 21:48

Not rtwt but.... The sheer brass neck of your neighbour! Shock it's beyond cheeky. Tell her to sod off and find her own nanny Smile

BoffinMum · 14/06/2017 21:53

I think with this sort of thing, it comes down to whether there is a balance. Has your neighbour stepped up to the plate and helped you out? If not then it's cheeky. I thought your text was ace, by the way.

bimbobaggins · 14/06/2017 22:09

pisstaking cheekster, absolutely love it expat and I may need to use this!
There really is no end to some people's cheek and I agree with other people, just say no.
No excuses etc just no

cherish123 · 14/06/2017 22:13

Your neighbour is being very unreasonable. I feel for you and your nanny. She has put your nanny in a difficult situation. I suspect she will keep doing this. You are the one paying for the nanny. A few mins is fine but she may not be insured for that many children. She to the neighbour - even use the legal angle.

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 14/06/2017 22:25

I'm guessing what happened was that neighbour asked where nanny was taking my dc and then followed. This is what would happen when I was doing the school run

The brass nerve of some people! So sly and manipulative!
Now i understand why your au pair/nanny had a hard time saying 'no' when put on the spot like that Angry

You've been far too nice and patient with your neighbour given the nature of her pisstaking.
A decent woman would ask....and you being the woman you are would help if you could. Like when you helped your au pair get paid for the extra work that this woman expected of her.
You've got nothing to 'prove' OP - especially not to her.

I wouldn't suggest getting involved in any sharing scheme with her.

BewareOfDragons · 14/06/2017 22:29

Hopefully the neighbour will follow through post-texts and not ask again.

Justaboy · 14/06/2017 22:50

Just try talking to her you have a very good argument and she doesn't have a leg to stand on. In any case what would be the outcome if neighbor's child came to any harm or was in an accident whilst in your nanny's care?.

Just write it down or rehearse it before you go there and theirs no need to Six guns blazing a lot of people if approached quietly and with a decent argument will be most of the time quite communicative and reasonable, it's when the grief is allowed to build up over a time period that the big problems start.

Viviennemary · 14/06/2017 22:53

This is just so cheeky. I agree with telling the neighbour in writing that the nanny is your employee and is not available for any kind of childcare during her working hours. And also in writing to nanny to say the same. I can see why the nanny struggled to say no. But make things clear and in writing is best.

Italiangreyhound · 14/06/2017 22:59

OP I have not read all the comments so apologies if I repeat what has already been said.

I am not sure if you have sent a text or not. If not, I would go for a face to face because this is so serious she really needs to know.

Presumably your nanny has some sort of insurance, or you do? How will this be compromised if your child is injured because your nanny is also looking after another child?

Speak to nanny, explain it is not permitted for your nanny to look after anyone else's child while she is looking after your child. Not at all.

Then get together with this neighbour for a coffee and just say.

"I;ve told our nanny she is not to look after your kids while she is looking after mine. If you want to employ her to look after your kids in her own time that is between the two of you but I just need to make it really clear that if I find our nanny looking after both sets of kids again this will compromise our friendship and may mean we terminate the nanny's contract, which I am sure you would not want.

Just be really clear. It is not women helping each other out, it is one friend sponging off another and potentially endangering your kids into the bargain.

Upanddownroundandround · 14/06/2017 23:08

This is an employment issue. Your nanny should not be doing anything other than what you are paying her for in the hours you pay her for. She should not look after any other children whilst caring for yours. I would be firm with the Nanny and not even bother with the neighbour. The neighbour is not really your issue. I would not allow my staff to do admin work for the company next door whilst I am paying them to complete their own tasks for my company. This situation is no different.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 14/06/2017 23:54

Tell the nanny straight that neighbour had form and make it 100% clear she cannot look after her kids when looking after yours

Lay down the line now Smile

Casschops · 15/06/2017 07:13

I don't think it possible for anyone to dictate whether or not and who she babysits for and when in her free time. Its her's to do with as she wishes. I wouldn't be happy with babysitting while being employed by me to look after my child.

KC225 · 15/06/2017 07:57

Glad you got good response without creating a neighbourhood standoff.

Your neighbour was cheeky and I agree with the earlier poster that approaching your Nanny on her second day was calculated and manipulative. Everyone tries fit in and be seen as helpful in a new job, she put your new Nanny on the spot. Helping out other women is admirable but how was your neighbour helping your Nanny? Heaping on more work and making it awkward to say no. If you want to help and support your neighbour tell her to kick her useless DH into touch.

Good luck OP. You did good.

Willow2017 · 15/06/2017 08:18

Cass
Nobody is saying she can't babysit on her own time but ndn is taking the p trying to fobb off her kids on Nanny during the day.

Blondeshavemorefun · 15/06/2017 09:36

cheeky neighbour

glad you told neighbour and she replied saying she wouldnt use her again

lets hope she sticks to tha!!

DisappearingFish · 15/06/2017 10:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DisappearingFish · 15/06/2017 10:38

Sorry wrong thread Blush

listsandbudgets · 15/06/2017 11:36

If you neighbour had a cleaner would she be impressed to find out that said cleaner had popped into your house to sweep and mop your kitchen floor while she was at it?

I very much doubt it.

Your nanny has enough to do with 3 children - just tell her to say no unless you've explicitly asked her to do otherwise.

Alanna1 · 15/06/2017 13:29

I also have not read the whole thread, but it does sound like your kindness is being abused. I would agree that the best thing to do is to talk with her. I think it is really important woman help each other out... but that doesn't mean another woman (your nanny) is then having too many children, too often, and without being properly paid for this, and your children are getting even less attention than they get when there are just the three of them. Good luck.

Andrewofgg · 15/06/2017 14:12

Warn your Nanny that the piss will be well and truly taken, and it will escalate, so she needs to nip it in the bud now.

I agree, but what a wonderful three-way mixed metaphor!

As for Ms Albright, she said nothing about acting like a doormat being OK as long as the shoes trampling you were on female feet.

cherrybath · 15/06/2017 17:58

No, she absolutely shouldn't be asking your nanny to do this. As everybody else has said, it is hard for your nanny to say not, but three children to look after at the park is quite enough.

Really unreasonable of your neighbour to do this, cheeky and mean. I'm sure that she will engineer an "emergency" to get the arrangement going again, but she really must get her own help if she needs it.

Ceto · 15/06/2017 18:00

Issue with neighbour was sorted a LONG time ago, people.

tabbymog · 15/06/2017 18:15

I'm not sure I like some of the tone about how to treat the nanny in this. My kids' nanny, all those years ago, I simply told that if this neighbour asked (she had form), she was to say no and if pressed, simply say she had instructions to refer neighbour to me. The simplest way is the best in this, employer and nanny are on the same side and the relationship has to be friendly and trusting, and professional at the same time. This makes it easiest and sets clear rules for the employee which is what an employer should be doing.

It's that familiar Mumsnet refrain: 'No is a complete sentence'.