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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Neighbour borrowing nanny - AIBU?

184 replies

RNBrie · 14/06/2017 07:47

We had an au pair last year who was brilliant and would babysit for neighbours regularly. One neighbour used her a lot and had her doing regular childcare on the days we didn't need her. It got a bit awkward after a while as neighbour would ask au pair to mind her child when au pair was looking after mine (usually after school, could au pair pick up hers too and take her child to play ground and return her home at tea time). Sometimes she offered to pay her and sometimes not. It then got to the stage where au pair was collecting neighbour's child from school every day. I did step in at this point and tried to put a stop to it, but neighbour had a lot of "emergencies" and au pair really struggled to say no.

I am now back at work after dc3 and we have hired a nanny. Nanny's second day was yesterday. I came home from work a bit early so called nanny to find out where they were and met them in the park. Nanny had neighbours child with her. Nanny said neighbour had asked her to watch her child as she had to pop to the shops for 5 mins. That was 45 mins ago. Neighbour then turned up with a takeaway coffee and a couple of bags of shopping.

I am pissed off. Nanny is a lot more expensive than au pair and should be watching my three dc in the park, not someone else's dc. AIBU?!?

But... I can also see neighbour's point of view - they were in the park anyway. She doesn't have anyone to help with childcare. She is trying to set up her own business. Women should help other women etc.

I have told nanny that she should say no if asked again. But I am aware of how hard it is to say no to neighbour. So I think I need to speak to neighbour. But what do I say?!? I won't see her today as I am at work but I will tomorrow. Should I text today instead?

She took my nanny's number as she left the playground and I assume she plans on using her for babysitting.

My dc are 5, 3 and 1. Her dc is 5 and she also has a 13 year old.

OP posts:
Lovelymess · 15/06/2017 18:24

Find a new nanny!! One wth a back bone

ShakingAndShocked · 15/06/2017 18:25

The other piss taking angle of this (been there too OP! ) is that presumably NDN would never offload DC onto a perfect stranger that moved into her street yesterday? But the reason she feels - safety wise - that she can is as you are employing a professional nanny, ergo done the legwork for her in terms of DBS checking etc.

Am fuming on your behalf. Literally, just NO. No is a complete sentence.

Also, FWIW, I'd be pissed at my nanny too. She's a professional women, not a young girl babysitting, and she should have known that 4 under 5 would mean she could not adequately provide the care and safety to your 3 that you pay her for?

delilah245 · 15/06/2017 18:27

Strange of both neighbor and nanny..
My friend has a full time nanny and has told me I could leave DCs with her so that kids could have a play date every so often when its convenient for the nanny and I gave her a few extra bucks an hour which she'd appreciate. I always ask my friend before hand and then ask the nanny to make sure it's ok with her too. Her nanny would never agree to watch my DCs without knowing it was ok with the mom first and I would never think to ask without making sure it was ok with her first either!

Tell your nanny next time she is asked "I have to ask my boss before I agree to this" or "I can't be doing favors for other people while I am working for their family" ..
I wouldn't go off on the neighbor, but simply tell her "hey look, I understand we all need help from time to time, but my nanny is hired to watch my kids and my kids only. If you need help with something on the rare occasion then give me a ring and ask me if that's something I can help you with." Also- if you and the nanny do agree to any rare occasion of your nanny helping with her, your nanny needs to decide how much this neighbor of yours should be paying.. she shouldn't be watching an extra child for free.

Craigie · 15/06/2017 18:36

Most nannies I know wouldn't put up with this for 5 minutes. Your neighbour is taking the piss. Tell your neighbour to back off, and tell your nanny that you do not want her working, at your expense, for your neighbour.

FizbotheClown · 15/06/2017 18:38

It's perfectly safe. You're allowed 6 under 8 during the hols and before/ after school. Those rules apply to childminders,nannies can do what they like( no rules,training or Ofsted).

The neighbour is taking the piss and it's the op's job to put a stop to it.

BoomBoomsCousin · 15/06/2017 18:42

On the not helping other women issue: You need to help your nanny (and before that your Au Pair)! She's being put in a very poor situation here in many ways.

But I also think you should raise your standards a little in what you expect from people looking after your children.

To be honest I would think taking on someone else's children while employed by you, without your explicit permission (and assuming it isn't an emergency) sounds like written warning behaviour for a nanny to me. Someone looking after your children shouldn't struggle to say no to another adult who infringes on her work. That's pretty poor behaviour and does not suggest good judgement or the capacity to care for your children as well as you should expect. To some extent I can understand some au pairs struggling because it is a role often given to younger women who are finding their feet and have more casual child care responsibilities. I would not be happy with it, but for that role I'd see it as a skill I needed to develop in someone, however I'd definitely expect a nanny to already have the capacity.

Iris65 · 15/06/2017 19:00

Isn't there an insurance here too? While Nanny is employed she is covered by her or your insurance. If she's 'helping out' then she's not covered.

asterlogan · 15/06/2017 19:16

I can't believe you have been taking this so calmly! I would hit the roof.

I found taking my 3 kids to the park for an hour at those ages exhausting and taking any more starts to make it less safe.

What happens if neighbours child falls off swing/bangs head/scrapes knee. Her eyes and attention would have to be taken off of your children that you are PAYING her to keep safe and well. Suppose someone wanders off with one of them whilst her attention is elsewhere...or any other scenario along those lines.

And as for the nanny thinking that it is acceptable to take on another child, for free or otherwise, on her second day on the job. How long has she been in this line of business for to think that it's acceptable. Even for 5 minutes.

The nanny should be told that she will lose her job if it happens again. The neighbour I would not even bother conversing with about it. She will just receive a blanket NO from the nanny if she asks and if she has a problem she can come get an earful from you....which you should give her with both barrels if she has the guts to even dare bring it up with you.

Grrrr, this really got my goat. You sound very sweet by the way OP, not getting at you, it's your neighbours sheer volume of cheek that's got me riled!

FizbotheClown · 15/06/2017 19:17

Insurance. Who is insured to look after a friend's child? The mother wouldn't need insurance to look after her friend's child on an ad hoc basis,why would the nanny?Confused

supermoon100 · 15/06/2017 19:23

I personally will help anyone if they ask me to help with their kids but if I've gone to the trouble of finding, interviewing and paying someone else to help with my kids then they can bog off. Tell her to go to findababysitter.com

NoPressureNoDiamonds · 15/06/2017 19:27

Of course it's important to help each other but there's a difference between helping and being taken for a ride. Don't pay for this woman's childcare.

rjgmummy · 15/06/2017 19:32

You are paying your nanny to look after your children. Surely there are ratios to consider in how many children she can look after? Also it is putting her in a very awkward position if there is even a minor 'incident' in the park. Does she look after the children she is paid to look after? Or neglect them to care for one who may need urgent attention who she is not paid to be looking after?

No need for any rudeness or unpleasantness, she is your employee tell her to say no (not that you should have too) She should say no unless it is in her own time and has your permission.

I agree with all other posters OP you sound lovely and have clearly helped this neighbour out a lot but she has abused this friendship and it needs to stop now.

Iris65 · 15/06/2017 19:47

Insurance. Who is insured to look after a friend's child? The mother wouldn't need insurance to look after her friend's child on an ad hoc basis,why would the nanny?confused

Because the Nanny is working. She is employed and must have insurance. All care staff have insurance through their employers or through their union. Nannies I would assume should be insured.

Iris65 · 15/06/2017 19:49

Here's a MN thread on Nanny insurance: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/childminders_nannies_au_pairs_etc/1118632-Does-a-nanny-need-Insurance

Callaird · 15/06/2017 19:56

As a nanny, I tell other mums that I cannot look after their child while I have my charges as invalidates my insurance and I need my insurance to be OFSTED registered, if I lost my insurance and my OFSTED registration, I would lose my job and I am not going to compromise my wage to help her out!

None of this is true, my insurance allows me to take care of 'playdates'. I don't need to be OFSTED registered for my current position. And I will look after neighbours children if they are in dire straits and I have asked my employer. I have our old neighbours child next week! I do not expect payment but will always accept gifts! I also know that the families who I help out would, drop everything if I/my employers needed them to have my charge/s

bbismad · 15/06/2017 20:41

Unacceptable... Nanny is paid to watch your children. She is contracted by you on the days and times she works. I would tell her to say, if asked, that she is not allowed to watch other children and actually put it in written contact that she's not to watch other children whilst working.

ThanksMsMay · 15/06/2017 20:51

"Then I do have Madeleine Albright and her special place in hell reserved for women who don't help other women ringing in my ears."

And that might be an excellent reason for you to help her out but not for some poor woman without kids not being paid to look after piss taking neighbours children to do it.

Squaffle · 15/06/2017 21:08

Posting as a former nanny and now a nanny's employer.

If you don't have a contract with your nanny, get one. We use a company called 'payefornannies' and they are really helpful. All standard nanny contracts state that they can't look after anyone else's children unless it has been agreed beforehand by you. This will mean your nanny can use this to say no next time if she feels uncomfortable or guilted into it.

Contracts are there to protect you as the employer and the nanny as employee.

If your neighbour wants to use your nanny, you could discuss entering a nannyshare arrangement with her. She would then have to pay half for all the hours she employs the nanny. There is no ratio for nannies. There are recommendations but nothing stricter. If you feel your nanny could manage with all the children then it's up to you.

Re. insurance, you need to have employer's insurance and your nanny needs to have public liability insurance.

Good luck Flowers

LookingforMaryPoppins · 15/06/2017 21:28

Re insurance, a large number of home insurance policies include employers liability for domestic staff. Call your insurer and check before taking our stand alone cover.

Willow2017 · 15/06/2017 22:03

Insurance. Who is insured to look after a friend's child? The mother wouldn't need insurance to look after her friend's child on an ad hoc basis,why would the nanny?

The nanny isnt looking after a 'friends children' she is working for the OP and needs PLI when working. This will not cover random kids in her care.

Surely you can see the difference?

Willow2017 · 15/06/2017 22:05

Fiz
But anyway OP is paying the nanny the going rate plus tax and national insurance, NDN is paying nothing to get free childcare!

cuckooplusone · 15/06/2017 22:23

On top of what everyone has said, would it be possible to offer NDN (with nanny's agreement) some sort of nanny share arrangement. So, you share the cost of your nanny maybe who would cover perhaps one or two school pick ups a week and allow your NDN more time to work?

Loreleigh · 15/06/2017 22:42

I think others have it right by saying tackle the neighbour, firmly. Personally I'd tell the cheeky (piss-taking) neighbour to go fuck herself and pay for her own childcare, or God forbid, look after her own damn kids - but then you are probably a much nicer person than me ;)

IrritatedUser1960 · 16/06/2017 07:19

Your neighbour has a rhino hide using another persons employee for free.
I'd go over there and say that this nanny is youe employee and is not to be used as a babysitter by anyone else. I'd be very firm.

Collaborate · 16/06/2017 07:55

I can't get over how many posters are still commenting on this thread, not having read that it has all been resolved with minimum of fuss...Hmm