Neighbour borrowing nanny - AIBU?

[RNBrie]

We had an au pair last year who was brilliant and would babysit for neighbours regularly. One neighbour used her a lot and had her doing regular childcare on the days we didn't need her. It got a bit awkward after a while as neighbour would ask au pair to mind her child when au pair was looking after mine (usually after school, could au pair pick up hers too and take her child to play ground and return her home at tea time). Sometimes she offered to pay her and sometimes not. It then got to the stage where au pair was collecting neighbour's child from school every day. I did step in at this point and tried to put a stop to it, but neighbour had a lot of "emergencies" and au pair really struggled to say no.

I am now back at work after dc3 and we have hired a nanny. Nanny's second day was yesterday. I came home from work a bit early so called nanny to find out where they were and met them in the park. Nanny had neighbours child with her. Nanny said neighbour had asked her to watch her child as she had to pop to the shops for 5 mins. That was 45 mins ago. Neighbour then turned up with a takeaway coffee and a couple of bags of shopping.

I am pissed off. Nanny is a lot more expensive than au pair and should be watching my three dc in the park, not someone else's dc. AIBU?!?

But... I can also see neighbour's point of view - they were in the park anyway. She doesn't have anyone to help with childcare. She is trying to set up her own business. Women should help other women etc.

I have told nanny that she should say no if asked again. But I am aware of how hard it is to say no to neighbour. So I think I need to speak to neighbour. But what do I say?!? I won't see her today as I am at work but I will tomorrow. Should I text today instead?

She took my nanny's number as she left the playground and I assume she plans on using her for babysitting.

My dc are 5, 3 and 1. Her dc is 5 and she also has a 13 year old.

Cancel the cheque op!

Sorry, that's probably a bit old hat now isn't it? Still amuses me. Easily pleased !

Soupdragon said...
I think your text was perfectly phrased. There's no need to start of of with a "fuck off you piss taking bitch" level of communication.

ha ha ha ha - that made my morning. Thanks!

Thought your text was perfect OP. Glad you got it resolved without bad feeling.

Nice and clear, Squaffle, thank you for providing sensible and useful advice!

If you feel at all awkward about it tell her that your Nannys public liability insurance only covers her to look after the children she's paid to look after, and that she reading put in a difficult and awkward position being asked to look after additional children. It's probably true in any event.

If you had a cleaner would she ask them to come clean her house at your expense? She's taking the piss.

YANBU
You need to speak to her face to face. She is taking the mick.
Babysitting on nanny days off arranged privately is one thing - tagging onto your children for free childcare is another.
How many children should the nanny be expected to look after/be responsible for. What happens if a child has an accident at park. Illness etc, nip in the bud before this becomes regular free child-minding.

Wasn't this resolved pages ago??

Yeah she cancelled the check at like page 3, lol.

The email the OP sent was fine. The reply suggests the issue is sorted. Great!

What this thread throws up to me is the problems people have with communication. On one hand, people can be too passive and allow situations to develop where they are taken ad adage of, because they don't want to have an awkward conversation and struggle to see the difference between helping out and being taken advantage of. However, others seem to get furious and can only imagine a really aggressive response where they are hugely critical or rude or unnecessarily blunt about the issue. To move to this type of communication from friendly communication seems like a knee jerk reaction.
Isn't assertive, not aggressive best. You state your position firmly, but politely and maintain a pleasant tone. All of these things are possible and deliver the best outcome in terms of clarifying situation, resolving problem and keeping the door open to positive relations in future.
So OP did clearly tell neighbour not to do this again. Yes she could have referrere to contractual or insurance issues but chose not to and still made the same point. At the same time she acknowledged it was a bit awkward, which it was. Doing this shows empathy for human relations which given this is a neighbour and OP will still need to interact with her, is a good thing. Blazing in and destroying the relationship would be short sighted and unnecessary.

Anyway, hopefully this is all sorted now. NEighbour seemed to get the message. Nanny needs to be clear that she is not to just mind any other children if asked and that the procedure is that she must just say no or always check first. It is early days for her working with OP so laying down what is expected to make it easier for OP and Nanny is really important. It is the grey areas that make it tricky and I think the employer has to take responsibility for clarifying everything so Nanny isn't put in awkward position and can state the position clearly and confidently if approached by others. HOpefully, neighbour will not start on this again.

If you are willing for neighbour to use her for babysitting, before starting you need to confirm what the rate will be and that Nanny must be paid on the day used and rounded to the nearest half hour. If you prefer her not to work for that neighbour, I think that in the circumstances, it would be okay to say that. Help the Nanny establish exactly what she will charge and how she will lay out her terms to anyone she sits for, so she gets an easier ride and easier communications. Again, it is grey areas which make it tricky.

Agree with visque