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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Neighbour borrowing nanny - AIBU?

184 replies

RNBrie · 14/06/2017 07:47

We had an au pair last year who was brilliant and would babysit for neighbours regularly. One neighbour used her a lot and had her doing regular childcare on the days we didn't need her. It got a bit awkward after a while as neighbour would ask au pair to mind her child when au pair was looking after mine (usually after school, could au pair pick up hers too and take her child to play ground and return her home at tea time). Sometimes she offered to pay her and sometimes not. It then got to the stage where au pair was collecting neighbour's child from school every day. I did step in at this point and tried to put a stop to it, but neighbour had a lot of "emergencies" and au pair really struggled to say no.

I am now back at work after dc3 and we have hired a nanny. Nanny's second day was yesterday. I came home from work a bit early so called nanny to find out where they were and met them in the park. Nanny had neighbours child with her. Nanny said neighbour had asked her to watch her child as she had to pop to the shops for 5 mins. That was 45 mins ago. Neighbour then turned up with a takeaway coffee and a couple of bags of shopping.

I am pissed off. Nanny is a lot more expensive than au pair and should be watching my three dc in the park, not someone else's dc. AIBU?!?

But... I can also see neighbour's point of view - they were in the park anyway. She doesn't have anyone to help with childcare. She is trying to set up her own business. Women should help other women etc.

I have told nanny that she should say no if asked again. But I am aware of how hard it is to say no to neighbour. So I think I need to speak to neighbour. But what do I say?!? I won't see her today as I am at work but I will tomorrow. Should I text today instead?

She took my nanny's number as she left the playground and I assume she plans on using her for babysitting.

My dc are 5, 3 and 1. Her dc is 5 and she also has a 13 year old.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 14/06/2017 08:35

'I had already warned nanny about this neighbour but she said it took her by surprise and she struggled to say no.

We have talked about it again and I told her to use the contract line suggested above - that her contract says she can't mind other children unless it's been agreed in advance - and neighbour would have to call me to discuss it.

I am happy for nanny to babysit for neighbour outside of my hours. I know neighbour is struggling generally (she has a usless dh) and I don't want to be a bitch. But I also don't want to be a mug.

I can either text neighbour today or speak to her tomorrow but it looks like the consensus is to do it face to face.'

The consensus?! Do you use the internet to tell you what to do? You tell this pisstaking cheekster to sling her hook however you can possibly get the backbone to do so! You are your nanny are as bad as each other, no wonder this gal wipes her feet on you.

You already allowed her to take advantage of your au pair, now you're handing her your nanny? Hey, I'm really struggling, can I have access to your bank account, you're handing out money in the form of childcare left, right and centre, why not spread the love?

You're not responsible for your neighbour's financial and personal woes unless you make yourself so.

If you cannot find the gumption to tell this person, VERY firmly, 'NO. Not ever. No more childcare. You are using me,' then she'll continue to, well, use you. Your lookout.

You don't have to speak to her face-to-face, and it sounds like a bad idea because you are so wet you back down and believe me, she knows this.

Stop being such a mug at the expense of your children's well-being.

DirtyDancing · 14/06/2017 08:35

No, Nanny does not under any circumstances look after neighbours child. Never. She is employed by you. I actually think it's a bit worrying nanny said yes.. she must put the safety of your kids first and this put them in danger- she can not look after that many kids at once. You all need to learn the word no.

thereallochnessmonster · 14/06/2017 08:36

It goe both ways, OP! How often does your freeloading cheeky neighbour help you? She has an amazing brass neck.

She doesn't have anyone to help with childcare? Then she pays for it/asks you before assuming she can use your au pair/nanny

Women should help other women - yes, but they shouldn't be walked or all over or take the piss. Goes both ways.

She's trying to set up her own business - then she needs to think about proper childcare, not piggy back on yours.

mando12345 · 14/06/2017 08:36

I used to occasionally look after a friends children for money. About the second time I did so a cheeky neighbour asked me to take her children to school too. It wasn't an emergency so I just said no, sorry it wasn't fair to my employer to take on extra children. She never asked again. You have to be firm but polite with this woman.

Mothervulva · 14/06/2017 08:36

It's not, not helping. It's her taking the piss!

expatinscotland · 14/06/2017 08:39

'I'm honestly not spineless. I am more an "all guns blazing live to regret it later" type and I did just want to check that telling her to fuck off wasn't unreasonable.

Then I do have Madeleine Albright and her special place in hell reserved for women who don't help other women ringing in my ears.'

Oh, FFS, give over! How's she helping you if women are supposed to help other women? You seriously allow some random you don't even know (Madeleine Albright) to govern your life? C'mon! You are totally spineless. 'Not unless it's discussed with me first'. Uh-huh, this is how she rips the piss out of you, she knows exactly how. 'It's an emergency.' 'Just popping to the shops!' 'Oh, you're going anyway.'

CheeseOfHearts · 14/06/2017 08:43

RNBrie There's another place in hell reserved for women who take advantage of each other. Your neighbour is expecting your nanny towork for her for free. Never mind how you feel about it, the nanny is being put in a very uncomfortable position and as her employer, you need to stick up for her right not to work for nothing. Help your nanny, not your neighbour. She's taking the piss.

DirtyChaiLatte · 14/06/2017 08:44

What a cheeky cow! So she gets ad hoc childcare that someone else pays for! You really do have to admire her balls though.

PartOstrich · 14/06/2017 08:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RB68 · 14/06/2017 08:49

you have to say that legally whilst there can be a Nanny share there has to be an agreement in place, you have to pay employers tax and NI and pension and if she wants to Nanny share you can discuss this and apportion costs appropriately as its very expensive and you can't afford to subsidise her family. There is also the old nugget of her not being professionally insured to look after yours as well as hers, it just doesn't work like that.

Think of it like this - if she had workmen in and you popped over and asked them to just quickly do a bit of a job for you on her time whilst she was paying them to do her job....how would she feel - its really no different

UrsulaPandress · 14/06/2017 08:49

Cheeky mare. And all this women helping other women guff. She's a chancer.

expatinscotland · 14/06/2017 08:51

You don't have to do anything other than say NO and tell her NO more childcare. No justifying, insurance, contracts, excuses, whatever. Just, 'No more childcare, even in 'emergencies', because you took advantage of us.'

shuangnick · 14/06/2017 08:52

it has nothing to do with ur neighbour , you just need to tell ur nanny that take whole care of ur child and never leave a step from them, otherwise u will be fired.this maybe better to notify her at the very beginning

Willow2017 · 14/06/2017 08:52

No you are completely correct, YOU pay your nanny to look after YOUR kids not anyone elses. You are not paying a nanny to provide anyone else with free childcare.

Tell your neighbour that your contract and terms of Nanny's insurance says NO other kids while working and not to ask your nanny again. No emergency, no '5 minutes' no contacting you to ask, just its not happening.

Babysitting when not working for you is fine BUT its up to nanny to say no to that too if she is asking too often. Nanny needs a break too. Let your Nanny know that you will support her if she wants to refuse babysitting too.

Her kids her responsibility to find childcare. Not anyone elses.

PerpetualStudent · 14/06/2017 08:55

Look at it this way, if your children were at nursery instead of with a nanny, do you think there's any way in hell your neighbour would be able to pop in and say 'I'm XX child's neighbour, mind if I leave my kids here for 10 mins?'
Of course not, they would laugh her out of there! Your nanny is a fully employed professional, this shouldn't a matter for negotiation at all - her contract and insurance precludes her from looking after other children while looking after yours. Simple as.

As for women helping other women - your neighbour is certainly not worried about putting you, your kids or your nanny in an at best uncomfortable and at worst unsafe position - so obviously doesn't see this female solidarity as applying to her!

Get the contract/insurance angle in writing to your neighbour ASAP would be my advice - leave no wiggle room.

GU24Mum · 14/06/2017 08:57

I think you also need to reinforce the message clearly to the nanny that she is looking after your children and that she shouldn't do anything unless authorised/asked by you. One of DD's friends (and the mother is my friend) has a nanny. My friend has said that the nanny can easily drop my DD off when I need - in fact I have only asked about 2 or 3 times in nearly two school years and have always asked my friend first. I juggle work and 3 children and it would be very tempting to use someone else's childcare but as I haven't arranged or paid for it I wouldn't dream of doing so!!!

Nananap · 14/06/2017 09:00

I don't have any childcare, i don't hop on board with anyone elses paid childcare! It wouldn't even cross my mind!!!! In an absolute emergency DH has to do the school run, but we were aware we didn't have childcare so my work and any extra responsibilities i take on has to fit with that. The insurance is your perfect polite get out. Be blunt with your nanny about how she took the piss with the aupair and say its up to her if she babysits in her own time. I have a feeling your neighbour will still "pop" to the shops when they are at the park etc though

ItWentInMyEye · 14/06/2017 09:01

Neighbour is a right cheeky sod!

Roomster101 · 14/06/2017 09:03

You neighbour is incredibly cheeky. Make it clear to her that your nanny has enough to do looking after your children and that she is not to go over your head and ask the nanny to look after her children during the time that you are paying her.

Butterymuffin · 14/06/2017 09:04

Face to face, definitely. Otherwise she can claim she never got the text or something. This is definitely taking the piss.

hellomoon · 14/06/2017 09:04

Then I do have Madeleine Albright and her special place in hell reserved for women who don't help other women ringing in my ears.

Which is wonderful - it really is.
But this woman hasn't even had the courtesy of discussing with you if it's ok for her to hikack the child care that you are footing the bill for. She is taking the piss. You are paying. You don't to be a mug, but she's treating you like one. Go round and talk to her - outline your boundaries and agree what you are comfortable with and what you are not. And then ask her to stick to that.

Longdistance · 14/06/2017 09:05

She's got more front than Blackpool!

Go speak to the neighbour, and make it very clear that she CANNOT under any circumstances use your nanny as the child ratio quota will not be legal, and as YOU are paying your nanny, it's not a free service for her to abuse. She can use her to babysit after nanny has finished her shift. Say you don't want this ever to happen again even in an emergency.

witsender · 14/06/2017 09:07

I would text. It is easier to be 'strong' over text, and it shows you are taking it seriously by not hanging on another day. Nip it straight in the bud.

NellieFiveBellies · 14/06/2017 09:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

RNBrie · 14/06/2017 09:11

I completely concede that the au pair situation got out of hand. The au pair wanted to do the work so she got paid but then neighbour stopped paying her. And I did step in but then ended up in a ludicrous "do I have to pay her for only watching her for 10 mins?" conversation with neighbour.

Nanny was only on second day of employment with me yesterday. I think it's my issue to sort out rather than hers (although she should be saying no now).

Neighbour has looked after mine sometimes when I have asked her. The street I live on there is quite a lot of quid pro quo child watching happening. But she is the only one that asks my paid for help to do it rather than me.

I'll text as soon as I've stopped trying this post. Deep breath angry AIBU crowd, stand by.

OP posts:

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