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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Neighbour borrowing nanny - AIBU?

184 replies

RNBrie · 14/06/2017 07:47

We had an au pair last year who was brilliant and would babysit for neighbours regularly. One neighbour used her a lot and had her doing regular childcare on the days we didn't need her. It got a bit awkward after a while as neighbour would ask au pair to mind her child when au pair was looking after mine (usually after school, could au pair pick up hers too and take her child to play ground and return her home at tea time). Sometimes she offered to pay her and sometimes not. It then got to the stage where au pair was collecting neighbour's child from school every day. I did step in at this point and tried to put a stop to it, but neighbour had a lot of "emergencies" and au pair really struggled to say no.

I am now back at work after dc3 and we have hired a nanny. Nanny's second day was yesterday. I came home from work a bit early so called nanny to find out where they were and met them in the park. Nanny had neighbours child with her. Nanny said neighbour had asked her to watch her child as she had to pop to the shops for 5 mins. That was 45 mins ago. Neighbour then turned up with a takeaway coffee and a couple of bags of shopping.

I am pissed off. Nanny is a lot more expensive than au pair and should be watching my three dc in the park, not someone else's dc. AIBU?!?

But... I can also see neighbour's point of view - they were in the park anyway. She doesn't have anyone to help with childcare. She is trying to set up her own business. Women should help other women etc.

I have told nanny that she should say no if asked again. But I am aware of how hard it is to say no to neighbour. So I think I need to speak to neighbour. But what do I say?!? I won't see her today as I am at work but I will tomorrow. Should I text today instead?

She took my nanny's number as she left the playground and I assume she plans on using her for babysitting.

My dc are 5, 3 and 1. Her dc is 5 and she also has a 13 year old.

OP posts:
DianaMitford · 14/06/2017 09:33

Jesus spare - that is unbelievable!!!

Decaffstilltastesweird · 14/06/2017 09:34

Great op. like a lot of cheeky pisstakers she probably just didn't think.

Butterymuffin · 14/06/2017 09:34

This 'women should help other women' is a convenient excuse for men being lazy a fair amount of the time, it seems to me. The neighbour isn't 'on her own' Ada, she has a husband who should be doing childcare, not someone else's nanny.

ChasedByBees · 14/06/2017 09:35

God speed OP.

expatinscotland · 14/06/2017 09:36

No, you make sure it won't happen again, but telling your nanny she is not to look after any children whilst caring for yours unless you specify. No more popping out, emergencies, etc.

SweetLuck · 14/06/2017 09:36

Re helping other women, you do that by being a good employer to your nanny.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 14/06/2017 09:36

Re the "woman should help each other out" - great, seems the neighbour is about in the day when the OP is at work, the OP can let her nanny go and the neighbour can look after the OP's DCs while the OP works.

Or is it that actually "helping out" should only be when the SAHM wants a favour but the working mother should pay for her childcare needs?

I'm a SAHM, I have never asked a paid childcare provider for a favour, other parents I have, and have done it in return. Helping out needs to be a 2 way thing, otherwise you are a piss taker who has a childcare need but is too cheap to pay for it.

Kokusai · 14/06/2017 09:39

I think your text was good - firm and clear without being aggressive.

shuangnick · 14/06/2017 09:41

and RNBrie , to supplement my previous idea. I think the nanny maybe refused at first, but she may reach a compromise if ur neighbour insist, especially ur neighbour pay her off sometimes. she doesn't want to offend anybody who will be potentially become her employer, so it put her into a dilemma.So you can require her to ask you for permission if the neighbour insist. On the other hand, she is necessitate to ask for ur permission in such kind of issues, because u pay her for her working time, she has obligation to follow your order and has no right to make desicion by herself. But she can take care of neighbour's kid after working time ,or if you permitted.

it has nothing to do with ur neighbour , you just need to tell ur nanny that take whole care of ur child and never leave a step from them, otherwise u will be fired.this maybe better to notify her at the very beginning

SoupDragon · 14/06/2017 09:41

I think your text was perfectly phrased. There's no need to start of of with a "fuck off you piss taking bitch" level of communication.

Looks like it did the job without causing any further ill will and awkwardness between you and the neighbour.

"Women should help other women" is really "people should help other people" but that isn't what was happening here. I agree that people should help others but taking the piss is not on.

BestZebbie · 14/06/2017 09:43

"Women should help other women" doesn't mean you are obliged to share (goods and) services that you have paid for, though!
It is much more about using your workplace seniority to make sure that your male underlings don't talk over your female underlings, not having to buy free things for half the population.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 14/06/2017 09:43

Result there RNBrie - can I recommend that if she does approach your employee again (i.e. your nanny) that you use the text that Expat put in her first post above at 08:14. It's polite but firm and leaves no ambiguity as to what you mean.

GrumpyOldBag · 14/06/2017 09:43

Give the OP a break (some) people.

She's handled an awkward situation well. Doesn't need micro-managing from MN - it's certainly not appropriate to tell her how she should have written her text after it's been sent.

NewPurrs5 · 14/06/2017 09:46

Think you dealt with it perfecfy OP.,text was phrased well as you ultimately have to live next to this woman! I hope she sticks by her response!

In the meantime your nanny was WAY out of line. It's totally unacceptable to have someone else's child in your care when you're being paid to mind your employers children. I'm gobsmacked she agreed. Is she a young inexpierenced nanny ?

1bighappyfamily · 14/06/2017 09:46

spare Shock

Well done OP. If you tell your nanny you've sent that, and she knows therefore that she has your backing, she'll find it easier to say no.

I would definitely tell my nanny to say no. She has occasionally helped out a friend of mine (who's daughter is best pal with mine) in my house, with my blessing, and has been compensated appropriately by my friend. It could have been passed off as a playdate (which she does also facilitate) but that would have been taking the piss so we don't do it.

Waltermittythesequel · 14/06/2017 09:47

That's great, OP. Good result.

I would now reiterate to nanny that you want her focus on your three dc, and nobody else's unless it's a play day that you've agreed to.

jamrock · 14/06/2017 09:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
RNBrie · 14/06/2017 09:48

@GrumpyOldBag thanks! But I'm OK, really. I struggle to read some social situations and felt like I was being taken for a mug but wasn't entirely sure. Having the full weight of an AIBU thread behind you (in all its shades) certainly helps clarify matters.

I'm happy with the outcome for today and feel better placed to manage it if it comes up again.

OP posts:
CryingShame · 14/06/2017 09:48

As a side issue to this, is there another park your nanny can go to so the neighbour doesn't just "bump into" her whilst the nanny's got the kids. I wouldn't put it past her to leave the little one at the swings in your local park when the nanny happens to be there with the kids "because the nanny will look after you" and then go off.

If you chose alternative outdoor locations for your kids this can't happen.

Hekabe · 14/06/2017 09:50

Sounds like fingers crossed it's all under control. If she does it again tell the nanny to tell her her fee.

I'd be so embarrassed if I were the neighbour- wouldn't dream of using someone else's PAID childcare without offering to chip in! And that's not forgetting NI contributions also!

Best of luck!

RiotAndAlarum · 14/06/2017 09:51

Oh, sorry, and I cross-posted with you about what the neighbour sometimes does to help.

Glad you've issued your position!

GoingplaceZ · 14/06/2017 09:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
RNBrie · 14/06/2017 09:52

@NewPurrs5 she is in her mid-20s and this is her first nannying role. She was working at a nursery but I've known her for a long time as she's done ad hoc childcare for me for a few years. She's very experienced with children but not so with adults!!

OP posts:
Patchouli666 · 14/06/2017 09:54

I well she didn't take long to take the piss again did she? Two days in new job and your nanny gets landed with her child! That's not a lazy pisstaker, that's a calculated move! And I don't think that's the last of it even though it should be given her response to your text!
No wonder her dh is useless. He's probably got fed up being taken advantage of!

Original poster
RNBrie · 14/06/2017 09:57

@CryingShame there is more than one playground/park - and I'm guessing what happened was that neighbour asked where nanny was taking my dc and then followed. This is what would happen when I was doing the school run as our dc are good friends. If I have to, I'll tell nanny that she has to take my dc to a different place but I'd rather not do that unless I have to.

OP posts: