Mumsnet Logo
My feed

to access all these features


Embarrassing to ask.... Not very British.... But how much REGULAR financial help do you get from your parents/your partner's parents?

500 replies

KeepServingTheDrinks · 13/06/2017 00:21

There are lots of posts on here about people talking about not being able to deal with how controlling their parents/DP's parents are, and so going it alone.

How hard to people who have made that choice find that?

I'm talking about (for example) child care, so help-in-kind (if it's regular).

But also actual money as well Blush

The reason I'm asking is that my (widowed) mother is making choices which I can't get behind.

I've had a lot of help all my adult life. I've had help with all sorts of things.... school uniform, dentist (for me), spends for holidays. Really big proper help.

I'm thinking that because I can't support mum's choices, it would be wrong to take her money. But that's SO easy to write on the internet, and so hard when you've got a job you love which doesn't pay very well.

I suspect I'll get a lot of posters telling me how they've always done it one their own (and, big respect for that). I don't have a lot of earning power. It's not that I could just go and get another job which would earn me more.

anyway, I'm not asking this to talk about myself, but I'm interested in how many people actually have help which is part of their day-to-day lives, or things like help for DCs b.days or Christmas. And if you DON'T have that, and can survive but not thrive, what do you do for high-days-and-holidays?

I apologise if this is extremely naive!

OP posts:

RazWaz · 13/06/2017 00:23

I've never had a penny since I turned 17 outside of birthday/christmas presents.

I've always supported myself, even when I've had very little. It just meant going without holidays and nice things until I had more.


gleam · 13/06/2017 00:25



FreeNiki · 13/06/2017 00:27

My mum didn't even pay my bus fares to 6th form college to do my alevels or give me any lunch money at 16 years of age.

I paid it myself out Saturday jobs and babysitting money.

In fact she's expected us to support her as soon as we got that age as if she felt she should be rewarded for raising the children she chose to have.

The postive to that is she has nothing on me and Im not obliged to her in any way: you dont pay for it was the answer with anything I wanted.


SoftlyCatchyMonkey1 · 13/06/2017 00:28

My parents let me live rent free at home when I was a student. That's about all they've done financially for me. But I'm kind of grateful they did that because having no money from them kind of drove me to get a high paying and rewarding career, which is the same with my brother and sister.


MrsTerryPratchett · 13/06/2017 00:28

What kind of choices is she making that you don't support.

FWIW no support here, either childcare or money. But they would if it was an emergency.


AssassinatedBeauty · 13/06/2017 00:28

None since I was 20. None from my DP parents either.


Babyroobs · 13/06/2017 00:29

My parents paid the deposit for our house many years ago ( late 1990's) and have helped us out with the odd massive MOT car bill, but have not given us anything for years now because we don't need it.


CherryChasingDotMuncher · 13/06/2017 00:31

Never had a penny off either of our parents - bar when my DDad passed away I inherited some pension money which went towards us buying a house (if that counts)?

Never asked, never been offered. Which admittedly annoys me a little as siblings on both our sides have been given money towards their homes but hey ho! We managed ok by doing it ourselves.

MIL babysits probably once every 3 or 4 weeks, overnight, to give us a break and then once a week (a full day and night) in school holidays. TBH I'd rather this than money, precious alone time is something money can't buy Grin


Cocklodger · 13/06/2017 00:31

Not a penny but I give her 100 a week.


3boys3dogshelp · 13/06/2017 00:34

My parents paid my rent while I was at uni, but I worked all the holidays to pay all my other living expenses.
Nothing at all now, I'm an adult and I wouldn't want their money as I haven't earned it.


MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 13/06/2017 00:34

My parents and dh's gave us some money for our wedding but those were gifts. I've borrowed quite a large sum from my parents which I will pay back... but day to day stuff nothing.

I would hate to feel obligated to my parents or in laws.


GraceGrape · 13/06/2017 00:36

My parents are very generous. I'm a bit embarrassed but very grateful by how much help they give, although I never ask them. My mum does childcare once a week, they gave me some money towards buying a property with DP, they have started to give money for birthdays and Christmas rather than gifts and some for the DC for their savings. They are not wealthy but comfortable, have never been extravagant and have invested some money sensibly over the years. They are also baby-boomers who were able to buy property at a cheaper time and inherited some money when their parents died.

DP's parents have never given him a penny, not even at university, although they are quite well off.

I am hoping that I will be able to help my children out financially when they are grown ups as I think housing will be so expensive.


MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 13/06/2017 00:36

We don't have any regular babysitting or anything like that either.

I've been paying my own way since I finished university at 21 and my dad paid my rent for me in term time. I paid everything else.


Eilasor · 13/06/2017 00:39

I was financially Independent from my parents from 16-20 and am again now in my mid 20s. They supported me financially through university, even paying for my childcare. I couldn't have done it without them, and they know this. Luckily, they aren't the controlling type.

DH's family are strange and will sporadically just transfer money into our bank account for 'little' things (£5 here to buy some chocolate, £100 to go to the football there) even though we don't need it. It started when DH was a student and just carried on. They live in another country so it's their way of feeling connected to us/him.


SeanOSneachta · 13/06/2017 00:44

Parents supported me all through uni.

They loaned me money to buy my first car, which I paid back.

They paid for a good chunk of my wedding.

They lent money for the deposit on my first house. I repaid this in instalments.

In turn, I then set up a bank transfer to cover them (just mum now) so that she has a financial cushion and doesn't have to worry about unexpected costs especially health-related.

When my ExH and I split, she offered money (which I didn't need or take) and offered to suspend our me-funding-her relationship (which I haven't done).

It has been give and take. Our money worries vary at different times of our lives. Sometimes my mum pays for dinner out; sometimes I do. It is an adult relationship and recognises that you help the other when you can, and you accept when you are stuck.

It is completely private, though: I've lots of siblings and we never compare or contrast what we have given or got. I'm certain that my mum's will will divide everything equally, as our attitude has always been to help each other out and thankfully none of us have abused that.


riceuten · 13/06/2017 00:45

Nothing. My Dad is still alive, and DP's mum is, and, if anything, we subsidise her. We've bought her a telly, a fridge, a record player, and a hoover over the last 4 Xmas's because hers have conked out and she's too stubborn/tight to buy a new one. Next year will probably be a (cheap) dishwasher


bluecookie · 13/06/2017 00:46

My parents have never given me actual money since I was 18, but they provided free childcare when my dd was in primary school. This help comes with the understanding that I will be caring for them in their old age - just the way things are done in my family. I've often been on a very low income, even on benefits, but still managed to do holidays and days out without any further financial help. Now I'm financially much better off and I plan to help them out in the future.


toffeeboffin · 13/06/2017 00:48

Parents give me generous birthday and Christmas money (£100 birthday, £500 for Christmas) and money for stuff for DC'S occasionally I. E. Shoes.

Not that we can't afford shoes etc but its always welcome.

They gave us 5k on the deposit on our house which was awesome.

I don't expect or rely on their money but it's always nice.


JuicyCake · 13/06/2017 00:56

Most of my friends wouldn't be where they are now without parental help. In terms of education, car, house, wedding, childcare. It's the norm 'round my way. It props up the housing market.
Dad has helped me out of hard times. If it's a loan I pay him back. If I can't afford to pay him back, we make that the deal. They're good to me, but I haven't had big money off them.
I know that my sister has had uni paid for, gap year, car, house deposit & more... But I don't concern myself with that. Her DP is the same, flat paid for by parents. Works for them.


intergalacticbrexitdisco · 13/06/2017 00:57

None. We support my DH's parents in South America.


GreatFuckability · 13/06/2017 01:00

my mother lent me the money to buy my first buggy and thats about it. I cope because i have no choice. its that simple.


BigYellowJumper · 13/06/2017 01:01

Nothing from my parents. They paid my brother's rent all through university but didn't give me anything because I am 'responsible'. Will never do that kind of thing to my own kids.

My husband is Asian and there is an expectation that we'll support his parents as they get older but luckily they have a good pension and own property so it's more like they help us out. Nothing major, but they are very generous with gifts.


2017SoFarSoGood · 13/06/2017 01:06

Have had no financial help (nor cash gifts) from either my or DH's side. Not even a non-cash gift for quite some time from DH's parents, although they could certainly afford it - just greedy and thoughtless.

Have given quite a bit to my DC when they needed it; not so much now they are more self-sufficient, but it made me really happy that they could count on some help since they work hard and do their best. Big expenses like a car (used) or furniture has been much appreciated. Clothes for the kids regularly, baby equipment bought That kind of thing. If we were not able to do it they'd manage somehow, but am glad we can. Would have been lovely to get some help.


Dawnedlightly · 13/06/2017 01:07

I was shocked when 2 friends mentioned their parents regularly give them money for tax reasons. They both live in £million houses and the parents even more
£££ Shock
Mine are very generous in a picking up the bill way, but I'd feel embarrassed at more.


Shitalopram · 13/06/2017 01:08

None since I moved out aged 18 and earned my own spending/clothes money from age 13. Put myself through uni. I did ask for some help with a phone bill once aged about 22 but the cheque my mum wrote me bounced.

I find it really hard to understand those who've had help from parents beyond getting to adulthood. Perhaps I'm envious.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Sign up to continue reading

Mumsnet's better when you're logged in. You can customise your experience and access way more features like messaging, watch and hide threads, voting and much more.

Already signed up?