Embarrassing to ask.... Not very British.... But how much REGULAR financial help do you get from your parents/your partner's parents?

[KeepServingTheDrinks]

There are lots of posts on here about people talking about not being able to deal with how controlling their parents/DP's parents are, and so going it alone.

How hard to people who have made that choice find that?

I'm talking about (for example) child care, so help-in-kind (if it's regular).

But also actual money as well

The reason I'm asking is that my (widowed) mother is making choices which I can't get behind.

I've had a lot of help all my adult life. I've had help with all sorts of things.... school uniform, dentist (for me), spends for holidays. Really big proper help.

I'm thinking that because I can't support mum's choices, it would be wrong to take her money. But that's SO easy to write on the internet, and so hard when you've got a job you love which doesn't pay very well.

I suspect I'll get a lot of posters telling me how they've always done it one their own (and, big respect for that). I don't have a lot of earning power. It's not that I could just go and get another job which would earn me more.

anyway, I'm not asking this to talk about myself, but I'm interested in how many people actually have help which is part of their day-to-day lives, or things like help for DCs b.days or Christmas. And if you DON'T have that, and can survive but not thrive, what do you do for high-days-and-holidays?

I apologise if this is extremely naive!

[RiverTamFan]

My parents considered it as once I'd left I was on my own although they did invest in the first couple of businesses DH started. PIL always helped out but I increasingly got uncomfortable with it. I'll grant you that the first couple of years due to medical circumstances and DS arrival the help was rather needed but It got more and more obvious that DH didn't know how to wean himself off. As we live too far to visit it also gave them a hold in our lives which became more of a problem as the birds from MIL being a narcissist came home to roost in DH's mental health. Then one day FIL was being particularly unreasonable and demanding on the phone and I had an epiphany and told him firmly but politely that I wouldn't be spoken to that way. And it all came out. Nearly 20 years of help, everything they had done for us and exactly how much that totalled up to in the end.

Whoever pays the piper calls the tune. Doesn't hurt to take the character of the person helping you into account. The price attached to that help may end up being far too high.

[OwlsinTowls]

They lent me the money for a deposit, top up my DDs savings account for her, buy tonnes of clothes for our DD, give us items from their home they don't want/need anymore, sometimes slip some money to me as a 'treat', insist on paying my travel fares when I visit them even if I have the money... just recently they gave us £500 as they have had some luck with PPI, and an extra £50 the other week as they for lucky on the old roulette...

[iloveeverykindofcat]

Everyone, I'm eating my words! I'm about to move in with mum when my contract finishes and I'm waiting on confirmation of a new job (high earning and likely I'll get it but it's between me and another woman so...50/50?). Also she's paying half for some modifications to make the (big, rural) house suitable for my cats and her dogs to live together. Hopefully it will only be a couple of months

[Headofthehive55]

None from either since we left full time education.
I don't expect it and don't ask.
Birthday / Christmas presents.

[Chrisinthemorning]

Lots, my parents are fab, we are very lucky. I am an only child, I don't know if that makes a difference.
They paid me through Uni, I left with no debt- I took out the student loans which had low interest and put them in a Tessa at higher interest on the advice of my mum then paid them back once earning, started a nice savings pot.
They bought me my first few cars. Gave me the deposit on my first house. Paid for our wedding. Lots of childcare, they looked after DS a day a week before he started school and now they do a day after school plus some holiday cover. They will have him to sleepover once a month or so if we are going out.
We go on holiday with them once a year and they tend to pay for most of that, they buy the accommodation and flights and we do the car hire and then we split the spending money.
I am a director of the family business and I do take various benefits and dividends from that which would otherwise go to my dad. This helps with DS school fees.
They have set DS up a pension and pay 3k a year into it and gift me £3k a year which is the max allowance to put into my pension. This is on the advice of the solicitors and accountants for inheritance tax planning.
Just thinking I don't know how much support DH got from his parents, they are divorced and he has a sister. His mum is very supportive- she also looked after DS a day a week and does after school and babysitting. She adores DS and likes to see him. She also paid for the church and flowers at our wedding.
DH dad isn't around, we don't get on with him.

[Bue]

Honestly, we get loads from my parents. My mum flies across the (very large) country to look after DD on her own dime, she buys us a lot of stuff for DD and baby on the way and we get unsolicited cheques several times a year. We'll also get financial help to buy a house. The older I get the more veryslightly uncomfortable I am with it, but I anticipate that we will give a lot of help to our children one day, when we're in the position to do so.

[NotYetAYummyMummy]

Oops - posted too soon.

My parents gave me the deposit for my first flat.
We have no regular money from them, though DM frequently buys clothes / toys for the DC.
They're too far away to help with regular childcare etc.

DPIL live closer and provide regular childcare several times a week to reduce our nursery fees.
They have given us lump sums on special occasions (£5000 each after our wedding for tax reasons), £1000 when we moved into our new home (which they gave us some money towards).
Lots of small monetary gifts for birthdays / celebrations.

We are both in our late 30s with professional careers and good earnings / earning potential.
We count ourselves very very lucky, and are already putting money away for our DC to allow us to help them when the time comes.

[NotYetAYummyMummy]

We had a lot of help, both financial and non financial. We are incredibly lucky.

Lived at home rent free through univeristy.
Some help with wedding costs (it's traditional in my culture for the bride's mother to pay for the wedding dress / groom's wedding ring).
Paid for my own driving lessons and car.

[RebelandaStunner]

Bank of mum and dad is due to pay out £6.5 billion towards helping DC buy property this year.

[LauderSyme]

My parents don't give me any regular financial support, and never have really, since they paid me pocket money. I've earned my own money since I was 14. Though they did pay a couple of thousand pounds towards my educational fees later on and they've put a roof over my head for a few months once or twice over the years when my life was in transit.
They've been generous since my son was born; they bought us some furniture and took us on holiday. When we moved to be near them, they paid our moving costs and lent me the deposit and three months rent in advance. They are very helpful and flexible with childcare around school and work; they look after ds for 10 hours per week in term time and the odd day during holidays, which I am very grateful for.
We have to be careful with money, there's enough for what we need but not much for extras. High days are days out locally and holidays are visiting family or staying at home (we're lucky to live beside the seaside )

[Ticketybootoo]

Absolutely nothing from my parents for 30 years - left home at 18 and trained as a nurse and then paid for my own degree by working as well as being a full time student . When I graduated I was a bit skint and my brother lent me some money which I paid back so I could go on holiday and that was where I met my husband !

[Wholovesorangesoda]

My parents help us a lot with non cash/help in kind. They look after dd for me 3 evenings a week and pick her up 3 mornings a week to take her to school. They also pay for and ferry her to dance class one evening a week and gymnastics and swimming one evening a week each too. The three activities she does are very much my parents giving her what they couldn't give us as kids, we had very little money when I was growing up until both parents retrained and now are very comfortable.
They also have savings and will happily lend us (all the kids) money to pay back when we can. I always pay it back as quickly as I can, but when I was a single student parent they let me off quite a few loans.
I honestly don't know what I would do without them, and I'm extremely grateful.DH's parents never have and never will give him so much as a penny, nor any time, but expect a lot of non cash help from him which winds me up but is a whole other story!

[goodeyebrows]

I have not received any official inheritance from my DF as it automatically all went to my DM however that's where the money for my wedding and help to buy second home came from.

[HerRoyalNotness]

Zero. Never have. I know if we were very desperate my dad would help us out. But it would be a loan.

[goodeyebrows]

My mum lives abroad and we only see her for one week twice a year. During that week she takes us shopping for clothes and meals out. We have had three chunks of money (thousands) for help to buy our home/wedding/buying second home and there has been a few occasions where she's lent (given) me smaller amounts when I've struggled. I love her very much but this is her way of making up for not being around any other time. I'm very lucky but I would much prefer to have her closer and see her more frequently. My DF passed away years ago. My DPIL don't have very much but are always giving the children small gifts or some spending money when we go away. Neither sets help out with childcare or anything regularly money wise.

[Zena1973]

I have been financially independent from age 15 I paid rent from my Saturday job, was made to take my clothes and bedding to the launderette even though there was a washing machine at home. I also had to buy my own prom dress etc. When I got married I was promised £300 towards my wedding dress (she paid £600 for my sister) I never got any money towards it. Never had a penny given or offered unlike my twin sister who had everything given to her. My dm has never had the kids over night and I can count on one hand how many times she's baby sat over the last 17 years. The kids get no xmas presents Easter eggs or anything at all other than £10 in a card for birthdays. I don't ask and it's never offered. But that said I'm proud that I'm as independent I have had to be.

[maybeitssomethingelse]

I've never had any financial help from my parents. They've only babysat about 20 times in 20 years and never had my children over night. I think hands on grand parents are great, but you shouldn't feel like they are trying to control you x

[stopgap]

We've had help from my husband's father in the distant past (down payment for an apartment) but my parents can't afford to financially contribute, plus we live overseas from them.

However, we take my parents on luxury vacations 2-3 times a year, and they are extremely helpful pitching in with the children. They also visit my home for extended periods and will have the children for a couple of nights while we go away.

[millifiori]

Almost nothing from my parents. They're well off but not the helping kind. Loads and loads and loads from DH's parents who are very much the helping kind, utterly lovely and not in the least controlling. DH's dad is adorable and his mother was too.

[MeadowHay]

I thought I'd add my perspective as a young'un. I'm in early twenties, so is DH.

My parents paid for my rent in my first year of uni, as due to their income I was only entitled to the minimum amount of student loan. Then DH and I married which meant my income became tied to his - who was also a student - which meant I suddenly was entitled to the highest amount of student loans & grants. So we have been mostly financially independent since then.

BUT

We have stayed at my parents house for up to 3 months a time a few times over the last few years when we've been in-between places, and they won't take any money for rent, or bills, and we sometimes buy some groceries and even then my mam is trying to force the little bit of cash on us.

They constantly ask me if we need money and are always trying to foist money on us. But I agree that I don't want to feel in debt to them too much and I have a difficult relationship with my father who often uses the money he has given us to argue with us when we do things he disagrees with so it is like hanging over our heads all the time when we accept things, so I don't like to take cash really.

They took us on a caravan holiday with them last summer in the UK, and they're taking us abroad with them in Europe next summer too, as we can't afford a holiday.

They pet-sit for us now and then.

We owe them about a grand that they gave when DH was unemployed which went towards rent, a sofa, and removals van for when we moved house. They say they don't want it back but when we've got more of a safety net I will be paying it back for sure.

They have a property on an interest-only mortgage that he lets out that he is waiting for us to get settled and financially more stable to transfer over to us to help us get on the housing ladder, which is probably the biggest and most important gift they could give us.

Oh and they paid for the vast majority of our wedding.

DH's dad is NC with him so nothing there. He lived with him and his step-mam whilst doing his A-Levels and had to use his EMA money to pay for his (expensive) weekly bus pass and could hardly get them to buy him new school shoes and things.

DH's mam is disabled and on benefits so nothing there obviously, but she has always said we could stay with her when we are in-between places if we wanted to (we don't, as she's a hoarder, and very difficult to live with in part due to severe mental health problems), and is quite generous with cash gifts for birthdays & christmas (can vary between £30-£100 I guess depending on her financial situation) though this is sporadic as she often forgets about them entirely (again partly because of her illness, so no resentment there or anything).

[Hotheadwheresthecoldbath]

My parents supported me uncomplainingly for 18 years.
My dad offered me a loan when I bought my first house(paid back).
As an adult with a job I supported myself.We get normal Presents for bdays,Christmas.And lots of love and emotional support.
I am divorcing my Husband and my mum has given me a loan to buy a small house(we had to get away from home ).This is repayable when the marital house sale goes through.She is loosing income through this and I am so grateful,as she says it's what any mother would do if they could(she also consulted with my siblings and they are all supportive)
I will be financially supporting my daughter through school and university. but would expect her to pay her way after that,it's just the way some of us live.
I know too many parents who bail their adult children(who earn far more than they do)out of debt working overtime to do it.Some of these adult children do not take responsibility for their actions and few of them are grateful

[cheapskatemum]

Sorry DD = DDad, I don't have a daughter!

[cheapskatemum]

You ask how people manage without the money or help in kind: in our case we cut our suit to fit our cloth. We didn't feel we had a choice though, as my DM had died and DD was grieving, plus wouldn't have known how to help on a practical level. DH's parents were 400 miles away, his DM had dementia and his DD was her carer.

[cowshindtail]

My late mother helped me a great deal financially until her death nearly 13 years ago,which was a lot to do with my poor earning power-I was diagnosed about 3 years ago with Autism.I'm sure that she realised that I had problems that I was unable to overcome.Since then I have struggled and have a very basic lifestyle-no alcohol,tv or holidays and second hand or gifted clothes.My neurotypical daughter is treating me to a short holiday this year as a gift for my 60th birthday.

[Neutrogena]

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aweewhilelonger
Their attitude is why see us struggle when we are going to get the money anyway and this way they can enjoy seeing us spend it.

This is very much my parents attitude too. They are comfortable, and they lack for nothing. My sister and I will inherit it anyway, and my parents get a huge amount of pleasure from watching their GC (my children) enjoy some of the things that they can provide right now that we couldn't - a swimming pool, fun activities, me being a SAHM for longer than otherwise would have been etc.

They know that they are the lucky generation as far as property values / pensions etc goes and they are very keen to see the benefits trickle down through the generations. It really, really helps that we all (my parents, my sister and my OH and I) have similar attitudes to money and spending - we are all very thrifty! My parent trust us not to fritter money away and we trust them not to overstretch themselves. I think they'd be pretty pissed off if they'd given us money and we'd blown it all on holidays / expensive toys etc but it hasn't been a problem.

They do know a bit about our financial situation and our decisions because we talk openly about them, which might make some people uncomfortable. DH and my dad often have long discussions about investments etc. But that's normal in my family - we've always talked about money, assets, wills (theirs and ours) and who the executors are, POA has been set up, we've talked about my parents getting older etc.
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Same - money is something openly discussed and given, no strings.
I suppose it's because we (my family and parents) have quite a lot of it allows us to be like this. It's not too emotive.