Embarrassing to ask.... Not very British.... But how much REGULAR financial help do you get from your parents/your partner's parents?

[KeepServingTheDrinks]

There are lots of posts on here about people talking about not being able to deal with how controlling their parents/DP's parents are, and so going it alone.

How hard to people who have made that choice find that?

I'm talking about (for example) child care, so help-in-kind (if it's regular).

But also actual money as well

The reason I'm asking is that my (widowed) mother is making choices which I can't get behind.

I've had a lot of help all my adult life. I've had help with all sorts of things.... school uniform, dentist (for me), spends for holidays. Really big proper help.

I'm thinking that because I can't support mum's choices, it would be wrong to take her money. But that's SO easy to write on the internet, and so hard when you've got a job you love which doesn't pay very well.

I suspect I'll get a lot of posters telling me how they've always done it one their own (and, big respect for that). I don't have a lot of earning power. It's not that I could just go and get another job which would earn me more.

anyway, I'm not asking this to talk about myself, but I'm interested in how many people actually have help which is part of their day-to-day lives, or things like help for DCs b.days or Christmas. And if you DON'T have that, and can survive but not thrive, what do you do for high-days-and-holidays?

I apologise if this is extremely naive!

[motherintraining]

It's exhausting and insecure as a consequence.

[NoFucksImAQueen]

No financial help but my mum comes round 2-3 times a week to see us. She helps with the housework and plays with the kids. She'll watch them if I need her to and does the school run sometimes.
I don't expect it but I'm unbelievably grateful because I'd really struggle without her

[ohgoshIdontknow]

None. We both work our arses off instead.

[motherintraining]

I think though thinking the other way around that if we were able to help our DC and enable them to do something they love rather sit unhappily in work for money's sake I would do that and I wouldn't need my DC to agree with me on everything in return. I'd expect respect and manners but entitled to have different views. In fact would be no fun if they were the same. I guess I am saying it all depends on what her views are that you don't agree with. Do you actually have to support them to have a good relationship with her??

[Paninotogo]

My mum paid my sister's rent at university. I got nothing. She paid for her whole Master's degree, I paid for my own. She bought her a house and a car, and provides free childcare. I got nothing. I still have a minimal relationship with her, but I feel good not being beholden to her for anything.

[SabineUndine]

None. I got a small parental contribution to my grant at uni, was lent and paid back a few thousand to help me buy a flat and get a generous birthday present but that's it.

[ohgoshIdontknow]

Ps what are your mother's choices?

rather vague post

[Paninotogo]

I will provide financial support to my children as they need it. I will be at pains to treat them equally. I don't think I have any desire to do any childcare though as I want to enjoy my freedom. It is a way off though so it may change.

[Lessthanaballpark]

My parents are very generous to both me and my DBro. DM bought me a holiday. DF bought me a car. They help me out if they think I need it. Well they call it loaning but then the terms and conditions of each "loan" is so generous it might as well be a gift!

I never ask for or expect it. And I appreciate them 100%. In fact I'm getting a bit teary just thinking about how lovely they are.

[Oblomov17]

Not any only because they live quite faraway. I always wondered what it would be like to have your mum living down the road and doing most of the school pick ups, like many of the school ground mums seem to have?

[Oliversmumsarmy]

Nothing ever I have no family. Haven't since I was a teen and dp has a dm only who lives miles away.

You do manage because you have to. There is no safety net.

Why would your parents give adult children money? Maybe because I have always had to fend for myself i find it strange that other people would help with your life choices. If you have no money because you had to pay a big bill you eat beans on toast. not hold your hand out for someone else to pay

[pinkhorse]

Mine pickup the bill occasionally for a meal out but that's about it.

I bought a house at the age of 19 and have not relied on my parents for anything since I moved out.

They do no childcare for me either.

[PumpkinPie2016]

None - I've supported myself with saturday/summer jobs through sixth form and uni and then got a job after that which pays quite well. Not mega bucks but fairly good and we budget accordingly.

I love my parents to bits and we have a great relationship but I wouldn't want to depend on them financially.

Having said that, it was hard at times and I am currently saving for my son when he's older so that I can help him out a bit.

[eurochick]

I had a small amount from them towards university living expenses. That was the last money they gave me.

They lent me money to pay my law school fees at 22. I paid it back in my first year of working.

When I was 27 I was saving to buy my first flat. The perfect one came up about six months before I was ready to buy so they lent me the three thousand pounds I was short of for my deposit. I paid it back in a couple of months.

I've had nothing since and wouldn't want it.

[Lana1234]

My dad has been so helpful over the past couple of years when I've not been in a grateful financial situation due to health problems. We are not well off in any sense of the phrase. However, I always pay it back when I can. Maybe that's why he doesn't mind lending it as he knows he'll always get it back. From time to time I've tided him over as well to payday if an unexpected expense has came about. It's nice to have each others backs. However, if in your case your not getting on great/not supportive of her lifestyle choices then maybe it's not the best thing to be taking her money right now?

[IDismyname]

I've had support from my parents over the years. It helped that my Grandmother set up a trust fund - mainly for educational purposes.

Since my DF passed away last year, I think there has been a realisation that you can't take it with you. DM has set up similar trusts for her grandchildren which will help towards their education. Trouble is, eldest grandchild is starting uni, and youngest is 7!

[grobagsforever]

Not had a penny since age 18. Also paid own bus fares to sixth form etc.

When DH died mum moved in for two months to help as I was pregnant / had a new born. I transferred 2.5k of life insurance money to her to compensate her loss of earnings in that time.

Independence is the only way OP.

[LaContessaDiPlump]

My v. generous DF gives us 500 quid a month. This started as a way to give me a break from DC and then turned into a way to help us cover costs when I went back to work. It's now our holiday fund (he lives abroad so we save up and go see him)!

DF would be horrified at not giving us money - for him it's a cultural thing. Your DC are always your DC and you never turn them away or refuse to help. I intend to do the same when it's my turn.

[Ocies]

Both sets of parents have helped with holiday and emergency child care. Dh has inherited a couple of chunks of money (as have his siblings) which have gone towards house buying or renovation and dh' parents are also helping all their grandchildren through university.

[LellyMcKelly]

No regular help but generous at Christmas and birthdays, and meals out during visits. They've helped out my brother and sister willingly when asked (deposits, car loans etc) and I'm sure they'd do it for me if needed. I can rely on them though, and they are fantastic with the kids, and money can't buy that.

[PookieDo]

Absolutely nothing from about aged 17, when I got a full time job. They told me no uni as wouldn't support me. Then they split up soon after. I bought my own car, flat etc

This changed when I had children. My DF lent me money for a car but it has to be paid back albeit interest free and whatever I can afford (not much) but I am paying it. My mum has helped me out when I had to leave my home due to DV as she gave me a rental deposit. My sister is well off and always insists on paying for lunch/dinner when we meet. I try to repay these kindnesses in babysitting/help

[Monstersincq]

A huge amount.

Got a large inheritance that enabled us to buy our house.

If I asked for money I know they would give it to me (although I never would).

Take us on holiday and pay for everything (which is a battle).

Don't do regular childcare ie pick ups or regular days but happily have DCs maybe a couple of times a year for a few days.

Buy things for the DC like clothes etc.

Bought us our first buggy.

It's all very complicated though and I don't love it as bound up with them knowing that they were dreadful parents when I was young. Wanting to make up for it with GC.

But I have to say, excepting the inheritance as that obviously
Enabled us to buy our first house, even though it's always been this way I still regard it as hugely extravagant and unnecessary. I don't think t would be in any way difficult to have these things. We wouldn't have holidays but I really don't see those as a core necessity (though I know DH does). I don't really know what high days are but presumably those don't have to be expensive? We were very poor when our DC were tiny and we managed days out, just free ones with packed lunches! (Assuming a high day is a day out?).

Any way in summary if I were you I'd stop taking the cash. It's been hard for me to make the decision best on a terrible history but chose to repair the relationship. If they were as they were now I wouldn't dream of touching a penny.

[Qvar]

None

It's not normal to still be on the tit when you're an adult. If your job doesn't pay well, spend less. Live with it.

[Sweetnessishere]

I was going to say none as DH and I both have well paying jobs, and we don't ask our parents for cash, then I thought again.

I lived at home until my mid 20's and paid only a little for housekeeping, DSis the same and DBro, although I am not sure he paid anything.
My wedding cost was split 3 ways between my DP, DPIL and us.
I had loads of baby stuff bought for me from both sides, plus babysitting on tap. If we go out for a meal then sometimes my DP will pay, DF calls it spending my inheritance. They take DC on days out and mini breaks all paid for by them.

My GP were exactly the same when they were alive firstly for my DP and then for me.

Both DP and PIL are from the baby boomer generation, had good careers and are very comfortable in retirement.

[justwhiisitwhosvotingtory]

I don't think I know anyone of my age in my area who has not had parental help to buy their first place. Either as a gift, loan or inheritance.