Embarrassing to ask.... Not very British.... But how much REGULAR financial help do you get from your parents/your partner's parents?

[KeepServingTheDrinks]

There are lots of posts on here about people talking about not being able to deal with how controlling their parents/DP's parents are, and so going it alone.

How hard to people who have made that choice find that?

I'm talking about (for example) child care, so help-in-kind (if it's regular).

But also actual money as well

The reason I'm asking is that my (widowed) mother is making choices which I can't get behind.

I've had a lot of help all my adult life. I've had help with all sorts of things.... school uniform, dentist (for me), spends for holidays. Really big proper help.

I'm thinking that because I can't support mum's choices, it would be wrong to take her money. But that's SO easy to write on the internet, and so hard when you've got a job you love which doesn't pay very well.

I suspect I'll get a lot of posters telling me how they've always done it one their own (and, big respect for that). I don't have a lot of earning power. It's not that I could just go and get another job which would earn me more.

anyway, I'm not asking this to talk about myself, but I'm interested in how many people actually have help which is part of their day-to-day lives, or things like help for DCs b.days or Christmas. And if you DON'T have that, and can survive but not thrive, what do you do for high-days-and-holidays?

I apologise if this is extremely naive!

My parents paid my rent through uni (20+ years ago) and have bought me and my kids birthday and Xmas presents each year. I once borrowed £600 due to my boiler breaking down, but they expected me to repay it within days (was just waiting for a loan to come through). I live a long way from them so no childcare whatsoever from them. Same with my ex's parents, though they have always been too skint to help us out even if they wanted to.

My cousins all live down the road from my aunt, are in each other's pockets all the time and rely on my aunt for free childcare daily. It wouldn't occur to them to offer her money for this, even though she is in serious poverty. I find that bizarre and selfish, but they find my moving away and not letting my mother care for my DC selfish. Not that she has the slightest desire to.

My parents can be difficult people, but we get on great and have no real issues. They gave me a deposit for a flat many years ago, and lent us a top up when we bought this house (like a bridging loan, repayable when we sold the other), and last year they looked after my son a morning a week.

They pay for my daughter's swimming lessons, in part because they have a pool and a yacht and are very conscious of safety round them. They will do for my son when he decides.to start. They also put a small amount into each of their savings accounts each month.

Every now and then my mum will put bits of cash into the account for something specific.

My husband was lent a deposit many moons ago, which he repaid monthly. His mother has often given/lent to him and the other brothers (including a bridging loan for above house). She keeps the details in a little book so that, in her words, "when she departs", it can all be tallied up and made fair when inheritance is sorted. They are a close family so each has a rough idea of times when the others have needed help, but she is very discreet.

My parents live too far away to help with childcare etc and haven't given me any financial help since leaving uni, my mum will sometimes offer to help with things like buying a new washing machine etc but we haven't needed to accept.
We are both low earners at the moment and we manage because we have to, holidays are cheap uk based holidays and we save where we can.
I have to admit however that though we haven't had any financial support from parents it helps to know that if we needed it I could ask (as long as I could swallow my pride for long enough lol) and I know they'd do what they could to help.

I think some people really stick their nose up at people who get parental help and I think that's unfair.
My parents made it clear without using words that they didn't want me to move back home after uni which I was fine with, they are older and wanted their own lives back. I don't sponge of my parents but they do help me out. I have worked really hard after university but not been able to get a great wage , and my parents give me some money every now and then. They are well off because they were born at a time of low house prices and good pensions, I am poor because of bad luck and high rent. why wouldn't they want to share it? I never ask for money but thry step in sometimes because they'd rather give me £300 than see me take out a payday loan or eat beans for the rest of the month when my car broke down, which I only have out of necessity. They see me trying and support me. If they were going without to support me I'd turn money down. But they aren't, they are going on lots of fancy holidays and I feel supported knowing that I have a safety net if sometimes goes wrong. If I lost my job theyd help with rent I'm sure till I got another job. Because they know I would be working my arse off to get another. They also send me their winter fuel payment and have done since I was a student because they think it's ridiculous that wealthy pensioners get it but I guess that's another thread!

Flat deposit from my dad when I was 21. Divorced parents, he worked abroad and I couldn't go home. Apart from that nothing. No cash, no childcare, zilch.

Nothing regular since I left uni (which my dad supported me through).

But my dad is randomly generous - I get a cheque every now and again from an old pension fund of his that he decided to share out between us (there are 5 of us), and for the past couple of years he's paid for a holiday that we're welcome to go on, or not, so he and DSM can spend some fun time with their GC. We went last year and are going with them again this year (but probably won't next year). As for DH's parents, they gave us a big cheque a couple of years back that partly paid for a new car, and MIL has just agreed to pay our DC's school fees going forward, which is incredibly generous (they gave DH's sister a lump sum of what will turn out to be the same amount in order to buy a house). We get no regular childcare help from either side. But tbh I don't see it as a quid pro quo. They help us because they want to and none of them go without in order to do so, and we help them out with other stuff. There is no expectation that we're buying one another's favour.

Since we have a higher income than my retired parents and in laws it would be odd to be 'helped' - we now tend to be the ones paying for dinners etc.

However my parents supported me studying until I got a job and I lived in their flat on 'mates rates' after I got a job for several years. Which allowed me to save for a deposit. They also contributed to my wedding.

My PIL helped my husband in a small way with his first flat (although it was the days of 110% mortgages so he could have done it alone I suppose) and helped with our wedding.

We have been lucky. We don't get 'regular' help in cash or kind and I would be against this for my own children as I personally think it sucks away or drive and independence. It's all very fact specific though and I can't imagine not helping out in a crisis. 😮

No help either in time or financial since I left home at 19. I wouldn't have expected it. They do support my sister with childcare and I fully support their decision but she wouldn't have expected it either. We were brought up to be independent but they are always there emotionally for us. They do babysit usually 1-2 a year but due to distance it involves a fair bit of travel so only for special events. I'm sure if they were nearer they would babysit more regularly.

In my 20's I struggled very badly and regularly had to ask my nan for help. This is something I don't tell anyone, not a soul. I've been very embarrassed about this and it's a sense of shame and guilt. It was a horrible economic time in my town/area.. well for the whole country, really... I'm 31 now.

She would help, but do the bare minimum. I had to take out student loans. This is where it gets shocking. My nan would make me feel very guilty for asking. She would tell me I needed to find a better job (really? You don't say!)... and that she had barely anything to live off of and only got a little bit of money in benefits. I didn't dare go to either parent, even though both sets of parents (divorced and remarried on both sides) are very well off (and I mean extremely well off). My nan would verbally abuse me at times and make me feel horrible about myself. I didn't want to ask her for help, but I had nowhere else to turn. It became toxic. It is a source of deep shame, regret, and pain.

Neither parent helped me from the age of 18.

My nan passed away and I found out she was a multimillionaire.

I was left a nice inheritance (around 400k), but my dad got millions, the whole house and all its contents. He was supposed to pay for my expenses during uni and never has to this day, but his education was entirely paid for by his parents at a very expensive uni. He has become meaner since inheriting and his wife (who is a horrible witch) took my nan's designer handbag with all her credit cards in it, etc when she on her deathbed.

Oh, and I was out of the house at 18 by no choice (I wasn't a bad kid, but I was the youngest and my parents were ready to be empty nesters). I never lived with my dad. He had me every other weekend and his wife always made it clear I wasn't wanted there.

It's weird how life works. I make a good living now. I wish I had back then so I wouldn't have had to ask my grandmother for help.

My parents have promised me financial help many times but it's never quite materialised. They did once give me a car, but it was a wreck and a mechanic friend told me not to drive it because it was so dangerous.

They used to own a business which took a lot of cash, and they secreted money away from the till and didn't declare it. When they got investigated by the Inland Revenue they blamed it on me. I was self employed at the time and got taxed on all the undeclared income I'd apparently had, and got fined for not declaring it in my tax returns. Tens of thousands of pounds. It wiped me out. I lost my house. I asked my mother to pay the bill, because it was her lies that had led to it, and she said she didn't see why she had to take responsibility for my tax bills.

It's no wonder I don't see my parents anymore.

My husband and I are not terribly well off but we're not uncomfortable either. We go out of our way to look after our children. We've paid our eldest's way through University (the student loans only covered tuition fees and rent, and weren't enough for living expenses too); we've just bought a small car for them to share. It's tight, yes. But I won't have my children struggle like I had to if I can help it, and I won't have them live with the same levels of anxiety that I had to.

Nothing regular. No childcare.

My parents once gave us 1k towards our wedding 14 years ago. Dh's parents nothing. However dh's parents have just unexpectedly come into a large inheritance from a relative and are considering sharing it three ways with them, dh and dh's brother. I'm keeping very quiet.

I suspect that neither parents didn't help us out regularly us because they couldn't. They also expected us to live within our means and live independently.

I had regular help from my parents when I was at Uni. They paid my rent and bills but I was expected to work part time in term time, and full time during holidays which I did.

Since graduating I've supported myself, and have never had a penny from them on a regular basis. When my grandparents passed away they gave both my sister and I a lump sum (around £3k if I remember) from the inheritance which from memory was used to buy a car.

I'm very fortunate, my mum is great. When my DD was born, I was already a single parent. She paid for half her nursery fees when I went back to work part time until I was promoted and back full time so was able to do it on my own. She took my DD to nursery every morning and I picked her up in the evenings despite her also having a full time career. She consistently buys my DD things that she needs like clothes, shoes, books even though I don't ask her to. She paid for the majority of our first holiday when DD was 2 because the nursery fee thing was still fairly crippling financially and we were going to celebrate a family friends birthday. She basically is my DD's other parent in place of her absent father. I had DD a week before i turned 27 and was already in an established career so I wasn't exactly impoverished and shes not wealthy by any stretch of the imagination, this is all just in her nature. From the moment I was pregnant and split with with DD's father it was "we are having a baby". DD and I lived with her and we raise her together. I'm incredibly grateful for her.

I got a small amount through uni (something like £20 a week) and was allowed to stay rent free in their house during uni holidays.

They bought me a buggy when I had DS.
They've babysat twice (DS is 13).

I think as an adult if you are reliant on regular handouts to keep you going, then you probably ought to be looking long and hard at your lifestyle!

My mum is very generous- paid for attic conversion in my house to give both my children their own room. Pays for large outgoings I can't afford like school trips. I'm so grateful as money is tight for us. She's in a very good position financially but obviously doesn't have to help, but she does. I will do the same for my kids when they are older if able.

@OnTheRise That is outrageous!

My folks are comfortable now, and very generous.

They gave both my brother and I the deposit for our houses then paid to get them done up, are generous at birthday and Christmas and usually pay for either flights, accommodation and/or spending money for our holidays.

Their attitude is why see us struggle when we are going to get the money anyway and this way they can enjoy seeing us spend it.

The house deposits were amazing and unexpected, I thought I'd be renting forever and was fine with that but this is so much better!

Nothing from my parents now. I think they are helping my sister and her family though.

When I was at uni they gave me £200 a month for food and bills so I didn't have to work during term time (both of my parents dropped out of uni because of finances and really didn't want that for me). They gave me a lump sum (£5000) to help with my masters.

Then when DH lost his job 2 years ago they gave us £80 a month to help with the food shop until his new visa came through and he could work again. We were surviving on my salary so things were really tight.

DH's parents occasionally give him larger sums (a couple thousand USD) for no particular reason. I think it's a tax thing maybe. It's very helpful as it means we can overpay his ginormous US student loan!

None. And no childcare either. Paid my own way through two degrees, I top up my dad's pension, and have a wayward and financially irresponsible brother whom I also try to keep in check - no money going to him at the mo but have spent hours negotiating with French bailiffs on his behalf.... frankly rather broke as a result but can do fine with a lot of Aldi and meal planning and free days out in the summer

Lots of help from both my parents and my in-laws both financially and practically. We are all very close and spend a lot of time together. My husband and I are very very lucky and extremely grateful of everything. We intend to pay them back in kind as they get older and also continue their example by saving madly for our own children's future.

Nothing at all since I moved out of home aged 20. No money, childcare or anything. My parents couldn't afford to if they wanted to, and are now too old and too far away for childcare in any case.

I should add, when I was growing up, we lived largely on benefits because my mother was too unwell to work at the time before her condition improved enough for her to be able to gain employment again. We were dirt poor. Never went on holidays, I didn't have "stuff" like my friends had and at times, she wasn't sure how we were going to eat. It was pretty bad. By the time things improved I was mid/late teens, working part time, at uni, on my way to a career and really wasn't relying on her for anything at all. I'm pretty sure the reason she is so keen to do these things now is because she couldn't do it for us then. She wanted me to get an education and carve out a career which i managed to do pretty early on in my adult like. She's always said she would support me as long as I was supporting myself. She's true to her word.

Our parents both feel pleased to be in a position to offer help, and have stated that much of the position comes from luck and good timing, none of which we have had yet. Apart from the luck I guess, we are lucky to have each other and parents that can help if needed.

From the moment I got a Saturday job at 14, I had to pay for sanitary towels etc. They wouldn't let me go to uni as it "wasn't necessary for girls" and because they didn't want to support me financially.
They paid for my first wedding though.
Decades later, they contributed to my second wedding. And they buy my DDs school shoes every year.
MIL buys DDs 'big coat' every winter. And we give her a little financial support which will doubtless increase as she gets older.
We're fortunate in that we are able to support ourselves financially, but I know that both sides of family are proud of how independent we are.

My father gave me most of the deposit for my first flat back in the mid 90s (when you could get a flat for £45K, he gave me £4K). And on one occasion, when he changed his car he gave us the old one.

That's it other than a contribution from both my parents and parents-in-law towards our wedding.

My parents split up in the late 90s, my mother could not afford the house she wanted to buy so I took a loan to give her the difference - I was able to pay it off 3 years later. Occasionally I help her out with things but I don't really need to as she is amazing at managing her low income.