Embarrassing to ask.... Not very British.... But how much REGULAR financial help do you get from your parents/your partner's parents?

[KeepServingTheDrinks]

There are lots of posts on here about people talking about not being able to deal with how controlling their parents/DP's parents are, and so going it alone.

How hard to people who have made that choice find that?

I'm talking about (for example) child care, so help-in-kind (if it's regular).

But also actual money as well

The reason I'm asking is that my (widowed) mother is making choices which I can't get behind.

I've had a lot of help all my adult life. I've had help with all sorts of things.... school uniform, dentist (for me), spends for holidays. Really big proper help.

I'm thinking that because I can't support mum's choices, it would be wrong to take her money. But that's SO easy to write on the internet, and so hard when you've got a job you love which doesn't pay very well.

I suspect I'll get a lot of posters telling me how they've always done it one their own (and, big respect for that). I don't have a lot of earning power. It's not that I could just go and get another job which would earn me more.

anyway, I'm not asking this to talk about myself, but I'm interested in how many people actually have help which is part of their day-to-day lives, or things like help for DCs b.days or Christmas. And if you DON'T have that, and can survive but not thrive, what do you do for high-days-and-holidays?

I apologise if this is extremely naive!

Nothing since I left home. In saying that though they are generous with birthdays/occasions (although I keep telling them not to) but I certainly am not reliant on it. I don't know anyone who is either. Is that really a thing?

OP I am estranged from my DF and if he handed me inheritance (which would get us on to property ladder) I couldn't take it. In the same way if you really disagree with your DM's choices, whatever they are, then I couldn't take money off her.

I think finances are a very difficult thing to talk about. I had noticed what was causing me worry as a mum of very young children and I was surprised to find that when the family tried to help young adults by trying t fix what I had found difficult, it was not well received. They said it was a control. They came up with their wishes which appeared to us to be them dictating to the family. However others control is be acceptable.
I had help with babysitting and picking up from clubs etc. No actual money help apart from xmas and bday gifts. Definitely no housing help apart from instructions on how to do or fix things.
It seems like a no win situation. Maybe be better not to have financial involvement with adult children if nothing suits both sides.

I have no family,
so I've never received any help financially or otherwise

They helped me through university but they've never supported me financially after marriage, even when we were struggling financially. I imagine they probably would have given us money if we had asked for help but we would have been too proud to do so and they wouldn't have embarrassed us by offering.

Our parents are too elderly to help with childcare. I do have other family who help with childcare but it's not free in the sense that I 'pay' them by doing something for them in return.

I really can't see the connection between your mother's choices and accepting her help/money, to be honest.

Is planning to do something like becoming a drug smuggler or a human trafficker? Is she joining a cult? Is she getting together with a wife beater? Because otherwise your dilemma makes little sense.

My mum bought us a washing machine and my PILs bought us a dishwasher and a tumble dryer when we bought our house. Apart from that, everything else we pay for 100% ourselves (excluding birthday/christmas gifts).

I have had a lot of financial help from my parents. I left university without any debt, help with deposit on first house, help with major renovations when we bought our second. At one point when we were struggling a bit (not badly, were always able to pay the mortgage, but every penny was watched) my mother handed over £200 and offered to set up a regular payment. I took the £200, but refused the regular payment. Later when things were a bit better they loaned us the money to make some other repairs to the house, which we paid back interest free.

They were always generous with meals out etc, although I remember one occasion when we tried to pay our way while out for a meal with them and DH's parents - they were very insistent that we didn't need to pay, actually removing my card from the table, which meant they split the bill with DH's parents, effectively forcing them to pay for half our our meal. I found it very humiliating.

Anyway, I have been estranged from them for almost 5 years, I imagine I have been written out of the will, but it has been worth it to be free of them. I consider the extra that my sibling will receive as their due for putting up with them.

I don't feel any guilt for accepting money previously and now being NC. Money was the only thing they had to offer as parents, very little in the way of love/support/encouragement/happiness.

None. Fine for others but not an example I wanted to set for my children.
Practical support is another matter. Cannot measure that, my parents have been amazing.
I now help them out financially when I can.

I started work the day after my 16th birthday and from then on I gave my mum a third of my take home salary. She didn't need it - it was more of me wanting to do the right thing kind of payment. I've never asked for money and never would. Its been really tough but I guess I've always been fiercely independent. My DB on the other hand is the opposite and couldn't survive 5 minutes without some kind of handout from my parents. I don't give my kids money but I have told them they are welcome to stay at home for as long as it takes to save up for a deposit in their own homes - which they are all doing.

None.

No regular financial help but dh's parents helped him but his first flat which ultimately helped us buy our first house when sold.

They do sometimes give us spending money for our holiday but they sometimes don't.

My parents give the kids pocket money and mum buys ds's weekly magazine for example.

Oh and no childcare

My parents have given money to help with deposit for our wedding and house. Also they give money for dc's birthdays and Christmas. They have looked after the boys a total 8 nights in the last 13 years. When I lived at home I also paid rent ( however my brother never did, bitter and twisted about this, yes very!!!)
Dh mum ( his dad died 20+ years ago) gave us some money towards our wedding. She has had ds1 for 7 hours before but never had either of them together for more than 30mins. She is however lovely and I would rather spend time with her than my own parents. She also gives money for birthdays and Christmas.

No regular help, but we are soon to be FTPs and just bought our first house so both sets of parents have given us monetary gifts to help (which was really lovely of them all).

There won't be any regular childcare and we don't routinely have financial help from any of them, but I'm sure they would help if we ever really needed it.

I just realised you asked about other things too - I save for everything that I want or I budget for it. We've been on some amazing holidays, but I have saved up for those to happen (including spending money). We've never been given any money towards holidays and I wouldn't expect that as it's not an essential need.

We certainly aren't wealthy and it's taken a long time to get on the property ladder and feel financially ready to have a baby, but I'm fiercely independent and I wouldn't have wanted to feel indebted to anyone else for the things we have.

As an aside, I'm curious what kind of life choices your DM is making that you don't approve of. Are they having a detrimental effect on you or your family's wellbeing?

We barrow from my parents quite regularly, but it's always paid back. My dad especially watches the kids about once or twice a month if I have stuff I need to get done and can't take them. MIL babysits about once or twice a month as well on the weekends. FIL nothing. My parents may be giving me a car in the next little bit because I desperately need one and we can't afford a payment. They also just loaned us £400+ to buy plane tickets, and are paying our parking fee at the airport because dad doesn't want to drive us down there and pick us up haha. The £400 is being paid off work a tablet DH won at work.
I say unless she's doing something illegal let her do what she pleases with her life and her money.

Zero from either of my parents (divorced)

But a lot from my Grandparents. Recently my washing machine AND my fridge freezer broke on the same fucking day. Both 10 years old.

I'm a single parent to 3DCs, have only been able to return to work part time as ExH fucked off and has nothing to do with our baby (eldest two not his) and I had to go back to work when she was just 4 months old because of him It's NMW and whilst I'm not rolling in cash I do have enough to cover bills but only £40 a month to save, and that tends to go on school trips and replacing uniform etc. I can't physically work more than 25 hours a week due to having bipolar disorder, too much stress can tip me over the edge - I had to give up my well paid career to maintain my health, amongst other things.

GPs replaced both items for me without even needing to be asked. Which in short is because they're fucking proud of me for how I've dealt with shit the last few years since my diagnosis.

Nothing since I moved out on my own, and before that I paid all of my living expenses, just not rent.

My mum gives me and my children plenty in the way of gifts, but money and whatnot? Nothing. She doesn't support us financially and I would never be comfortable with her doing that.

For 3 years we had babysitting once a month on a Friday night for 3 hours. We were also lent 5k for a deposit on our first house (which we paid back in two years). We would have had a hard time buying without that help but we would have managed it, just a little later instead. Now we're more likely to help them out with holidays and the like, but nothing regular.

We are incredibly lucky. My parents are comfortably off, and generous. My mum looks after my kids 2 days a week (I work full time) so saves us a lot of money on childcare. They don't give other money regularly, but they have many times given large cash sums for things. For example we added to our mortgage for house improvements and were umming and ahhing about doing an extension with some of the money. It wouldn't have added value to our house but would make it suit our needs more. We made the sensible decision not to, at which point my parents offered to pay for it. Both times I've been on maternity leave they have quietly transferred money into my account to help me through. They are of the opinion that as they are both quite young, there is no point leaving us a load of inheritance because by then we won't need it, so they're giving it to us now. They never try to control with money, never use it to try to influence our decisions. My Pils, on the other hand, will do things like offer to pay for a pit of shoes for the kids birthday then insist on telling us exactly what kind of shoe we should be buying. We don't accept much that they offer!

Nothing, apart from a contribution to our wedding 14 years ago. My parents are in their 80s and we earn money and they don't..

My sister OTOH constantly badgers my mum for money. Thousands over the years. She and her family aren't "good with money" but a lot of it is about attitude and a sense of entitlement. I don't want my parents money, my sister feels entitled to it.

I haven't accepted a penny since I turned 18. Got a student loan, then a scholarship to grad school and worked for living expenses. I'd accept help if I really needed to but it would shame me, which is partly my own neurosis and partly my controlling mother.

Lots.

They funded me through uni, first degree and masters (though I always worked the holidays).

Lived rent free in a flat they owned fur several years after graduating - but I acted a as landlord during that time which made their life easier.

Gave me a large lump sum so DH and I could pay off the mortgage on our first flat, and buy a second outright.

They own a holiday home with a pool: we spend many holidays there and don't contribute to the bills except food (though we look after it very well, help with maintenance / admin as we speak the local language and often buy big ticket items like washing machines or BBQs).

When they visit us, they'll bring a carful of goodies from home (we live in mainland Europe - sometimes they drive to us).

They currently give me 100£ per month specifically towards extra curricular activities for our DCs.

The bulk of my parents wealth comes from unearned income (land sales) and benefitting from the uk property boom ( they bought a 4 bed flat for £75,000 then sold it 11yrs later for over £350,000). They view it as family money to a great extent: they have comfortable lives, neither are extravagant nor do they want to spend it on cruises, clothes, fancy houses, cars. They want to use it to give my sister and I opportunities that they didn't have, and to provide money when needed at key times. They are both well provided for as they get older. There are very few strings: they don't have or exert control over our lives in any way, and they wouldn't want to, though I think they'd be disappointed if we just frittered the money away. I don't feel beholden to them particularly, though I do feel very grateful. But I love them anyway: the money doesn't make any difference to that.

My parents have been generous (and they worked hard to be - neither of them inherited much/anything). Paid for uni, I lived at home rent-free until I left in early 20s. Gave me and my sibling a substantial five-figure interest-only loan each towards first homes (I contributed more than three times their loan myself in my own savings). One day a week childcare until recently (owing to health issues).

I feel like they've well and truly done enough for me, and would not accept any further gifts. I try to pay for things for them (like special anniversary dinners, medical expenses) but they often won't accept it.

PIL, nothing, no help of any kind. OH and I pay for various things for them as they have no money.

I intend and expect to be able to do the same, or better, as my parents have done for me for my own children.

Nothing. We live in a different country so no baby sitting either.