Embarrassing to ask.... Not very British.... But how much REGULAR financial help do you get from your parents/your partner's parents?

[KeepServingTheDrinks]

There are lots of posts on here about people talking about not being able to deal with how controlling their parents/DP's parents are, and so going it alone.

How hard to people who have made that choice find that?

I'm talking about (for example) child care, so help-in-kind (if it's regular).

But also actual money as well

The reason I'm asking is that my (widowed) mother is making choices which I can't get behind.

I've had a lot of help all my adult life. I've had help with all sorts of things.... school uniform, dentist (for me), spends for holidays. Really big proper help.

I'm thinking that because I can't support mum's choices, it would be wrong to take her money. But that's SO easy to write on the internet, and so hard when you've got a job you love which doesn't pay very well.

I suspect I'll get a lot of posters telling me how they've always done it one their own (and, big respect for that). I don't have a lot of earning power. It's not that I could just go and get another job which would earn me more.

anyway, I'm not asking this to talk about myself, but I'm interested in how many people actually have help which is part of their day-to-day lives, or things like help for DCs b.days or Christmas. And if you DON'T have that, and can survive but not thrive, what do you do for high-days-and-holidays?

I apologise if this is extremely naive!

[Leanin15yearsmaybe]

I don't know your ds's circumstances so therefore won't comment on him needing to find work but might agree with your dh on the enablement side. From what you previously posted though I do think (forgive me for saying so) that there is a bit of emotional blackmail from your ds re your dgs. Not nice at all. As I said, I think you are spot on with the buying on line, a perfect response to a potentially contentious situation. All the best to your dd too, I hope she finds/has found her optimum therapy for her RA, sounds like she's not letting it hold her back

[Marvellousmarg]

Nothing since I was 16 and left school. My first job I had to give fifth of my wages for rent. My dad died when I was 23 and I got a small amount of his savings DM spent the rest.
No babysitting as she had npd and was an alcoholic.
When she died I got half of her savings.

Dh was orphaned as a child.

We have earned everything we have.

[BelafonteRavenclaw]

£0

[altiara]

DPs supported me through university, gave me the money they'd saved for my "wedding fund" as a deposit on my flat which meant I'd made enough money to pay for my wedding when I did get married. DM picks DCs up once a week from school (I pay her £200/month to cover petrol, food that she makes etc).
Also if we take DM/MIL on holiday, we'd pay for them, they'd probably pay for a meal out or an outing.
So no regular financial help from any parents and they're retired so we would mostly treat them unless they wanted to treat us for birthdays.

[NooNooHead1981]

My parents give me support extremely generously all the time, including bailing me out as I'm ashamed to say it, I don't manage mt finances very well. I work part time as a freelancer and only get a retainer, which leaves not much after I've put my share into the joint account. I know that I should manage my money much better and I would be the first to admit that I'm very fortunate to have such generosity from my parents at the age of 36. I know that they are careful with money, don't squander it and are very comfortable, but they have earned every penny well and worked very hard throughout both of their careers.

They gave me a sizeable amount to help when we bought our current home, and are always very generous with Christmas and birthday presents too. They paid for my uni tuition fees, wedding and a holiday a few years ago, and they are always spoiling my daughter.

I feel very lucky to be in such a position but never take it for granted, and am always aware that I should be trying harder to pay my own way more etc. (I suppose I have repaid them in the sense that they have a beautiful granddaughter who is priceless to them!)

[Iseesheep]

Zilch, zip, nada. Although my mum did lend me £20 once when I lost my purse and I needed petrol to get (a long way) home. They did support me until I was 15 though. No babysitting in the past 18 years, consequently my mother (dad died 12 years ago) doesn't have a clue who her grandchildren really are now.

I sound bitter, yes, but I'm not bitter about any money even though she's wealthy, it's the time my kids have missed out on getting to know extended family. It's a shame.

[MrsR31]

Over the years.....pocket money stopped at 16 and I had to get a job, any money borrowed had to be paid back. Although I lived rent free at home during university whilst siblings had to pay digs as they left school and got jobs. I had a part time job which covered my expenses.

Parents and in laws both made substantial contributions to our wedding, my dad gave us a small lump sum from his life insurance (paid out early due to terminal diagnosis) and both parents & in laws bought large gifts on the birth of our children. No help regularly as such and if we had to borrow we would repay, always.

Both my mum and mil provide childcare (3days a week) to allow me to work, which has saved us a massive financial burden!

[BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou]

Nothing from parents since I left school (which I had to do early as I was told they would not support me finishing my A levels) apart from £1000 towards my wedding. Small birthday present or Christmas present sometimes but never cash. No childcare. One babysitting occasion in the 19years since DD was born. DCs get sent £20 or so for birthdays and Christmas. Wealthy family but not shared with me. My attitude to my DCs is VERY different.

[manicmij]

Have three children deposits for their first property having given them the choice of paying for wedding/honeymoon when and if they married. All three took property option. I did give a small amount when they did marry, enough to pay for reports, fees etc as they all moved into bigger houses then. Also helped out with their first cars. Do babysit two grandchildren having them for weekends etc as don't live locally. Birthdays etc usually give them and spouses all the same amount of cash unless there is something special I know about that they want. Have helped out in unusual circumstances but not on a regular basis with money and they never asked.Certainly do not have a lot of funds and have always treated all three the same. If one needed help with cash I have the other two the same. If I needed help financially sure they would help me.

[caringcarer]

My parents paid for my wedding and gave me 5% deposit for my house. They also regularly babysat whilst I worked part-time when children were young. Me and my DH in turn paid for all DD uni fees and accommodation and gave DD deposit for house but we did not pay towards wedding because they wanted to do it all themselves. We also help towards DGS nursery fees and buy his shoes when he needs them. We will help out if DD is struggling and asks for a bit of help. We have also helped DS by investing in his career as he did not go to uni. he has also been helped out with money for a car to enable him to get to work. Within reason we will help out when we can as my parents did this for me. I would not expect any financial help offered to have anything to do with supporting or not supporting views.

[LexieLulu]

Neither myself or my husband have received anything financially from either sets of parents.

We do receive rare child care from his side, a couple of days a month.

But when they help us we "owe" them, and they will find ways for us to repay the favour.

[wannabestressfree]

Mummm unsure whether to write but hear goes... no support after I left home infact I supported them heavily.
No help with wedding or children (I helped feed and clothe my siblings)
Df offered to babysit once and stole my chequebook
They eventually split and years later they sold the house. Mother did very well out of it. She gave us all £1 grand except my sister who refused as she is wealthy. She offered to loan me money to have an extension finished- it was costing more as I am disabled. She changed her mind two weeks after paying the builder and sued us. I have a ccj. My partner had a breakdown. I was in and out of hospital. I am now in operable- we haven't spoken for two yeArs.

So fuck all but grief.

[JaceLancs]

As a struggling newly single parent 20 years ago DM used to give me the odd tenner maybe once a month, parents also used to pay for a caravan holiday for them, me and DC once a year in return I did all the cooking etc
They were never very involved grandparents and rarely babysat never mind childcare
These days I still struggle financially and they have helped me out with an interest free loan (am currently paying them back £5000 at £150pcm from roof leak repairs)
They do buy presents at Xmas and birthday sometimes give me cash to buy myself or DC something as they don't really go out shopping much
Sometimes if we're going on holiday they've given me £50 or so and said have a nice meal out on us
I don't think they have any real concept of how much I struggle and I don't say much as they wouldn't understand and I'd feel like I was begging or asking for handouts

[cheval]

I'm still shelling out. Eldest is a bit cringe about it, he's working hard, abut to move into flat. Youngest at uni and happy to take any pennies gong,

[Turquoisetamborine]

My mother and stepdad (separately) give us a lot of financial help.

My stepdad in the last year bought us a car which was £9k and a new kitchen £5k as well as new flooring £1k. He regularly pays for holidays in the U.K., car services and also pays £109 a month of my nursery fees. He's amazing and more of a dad than my bio dad. This is the tip of the iceberg. He doesn't like to spend money on himself and it gives him pleasure to help us.

My mother gives us cash whenever we look a bit skint and provides a lot of childcare so I can work. She's also given and plans to give us money for big holidays like Florida. She grew up with nowt so if she wants to do this then what harm is there?

[Neem]

My parents to pay for our children's music lessons. We don't have any childcare or any other regular support, and without their support we would struggle to pay for the lessons. But the children know that the lessons are gifts that will benefit them.

[DarthMaiden]

Since leaving university I've not asked for a penny from my parents.

Most of their friends children are the reverse and have frankly, done their utmost to bleed their parents finances as much as possible.

I'm not talking about sensible things like helping to fund a deposit for a home. It's asking for credit cards to be paid off after totally excess spending on non essentials.

I'm in the weird position that my parents try to foist their money on me . They are wealthy well off, but frankly so am I - largely down to their support of education/uni etc. that enabled me to forge a great career.

They weirdly feel guilty about not giving me things/money when it seems the norm for their friends to hand over tens of thousands or paying for major household items.

We've come to a compromise in that they will pay money into their grandsons trust fund (obv my DS) BUT he will not be told about it. I don't want him thinking his financial future is all sorted without any effort on his part.

I appreciate that many people are in a very different situation and tbh I feel very privileged to be in a position to say "no, I don't need your money" or people whose parents would love to help but don't have the means to do so.

[Shockers]

My parents give every adult in the family £200 for birthdays, children receive £50 and teenage children, £100.

Other than that, we take turns paying when we go out for lunch, or dinner.

They also take DD, who has sn, overnight every few months.

DH's mum needs more help than my parents. She's unsteady on her feet and on a low income.

[Lovingit81]

Some of the posts on here make me really sad. for all of you who have had a really hard time.
I have to be honest we are incredibly lucky. My parents always gave me random cash as a teenager even though I worked. Paid me through university. Bought my first car. Lent me a lump sum to clear some debt which I didn't have to back. Paid a substantial amount towards our wedding and even though they live far away will always babysit when they can and regularly buy presents etc. Paid for baby gear etc. We live in a mortgage free house which is half Mil and half my dh as he had a substantial amount of money given to him when his dad died when he was younger. Mil babysits a lot to allow us to work (me part time) and regularly buys us and kids stuff. Takes us on holiday and pays while we are out there (she is wealthy).

We never take it for granted, are incredibly grateful and hope to do the same for our children.

X

[LuluJakey1]

Despite all the help our parents have given us, DH has never asked his for money and I only asked once - when I had just started working and my cat was really ill and I had a huge vet bill- I paid it back to them.

The rest has been money they have given out of love to help us (we could have managed without it, we weren't asking) or when my parents died.

[beautygal29]

Both me and my husband were kicked out at 16 so we both had a difficult start in life and didn't have contact with our parents for a few years.Now we do and whilst we have help with things like the occasional big car bill they do not babysit at all. I wish we didn't have to have their help sometimes but neither of us earn enough for it not to be necessary at times. It makes me feel like a total failure as an adult to take anything from them.

[Ktown]

Parents paid for me throughout university and bought a house.
Now it is I get a small amount of money for birthdays.
However my mother comes from a culture where you pay for kids until they are 'sorted'.

[piggypoo]

Nothing. As soon I was 14 and had a Saturday job, my Mum took two thirds of that for housekeeping money.

I have always had to support myself, and have had to become self-sufficient, my younger sisters on the other hand have had everything from our parents, driving lessons, Uni fees, holidays, even the deposit on their first flats, but now, Mum had Dementia, and has complex and expensive health needs.

Whenever my sisters come to me cap in hand asking for financial help for my Mum, I can with a clear conscience say no, for all the help they have from her, she has completely dominated and forced her will on them in every aspect of their lives. To the extent where my 43 year old younger sister still lives at home with our Mum, as she's too emotionally crippled to cope on her own.

I am so grateful that I can cope on my own, and don't have such a burden to carry mired in guilt and misery because I took our Parent's money.

[TheFirstMrsDV]

I didn't realise so many people were supported by their parents until I joined MN.

Its not something that happens in my field of experience. Parents will splash out massively on Weddings and kids are sometimes given a bit of a leg up if their mum and dad are flush but noone was ever supported regularly.

It makes the 'you shouldn't have kids until you can afford them' debate on MN interesting. What different people think 'afford' means is pretty varied.

I do think that if you are used to the support and its 'normal', to lose it must be pretty hard.

I have never had anything from mine.

[mylittlephoney]

My df looks after my ds 6 evenings a month (3-4) hours at a time so I can work. He paid for my wedding dress and wedding night hotel. Gave me £1000 to buy a car which promptly died a death and then gave £250 to fix. Wow untill I wrote this down I didn't realise how much he had done after years of not helping from ages 13 to 23. Mil watches ds 8 evenings a month (3-4) hours. Gave dh £5000 to buy a campervan . Gives him £100 every birthday and me £60. Has bailed us out when we underestimated a payment which we eventually paid back.
I guess we are lucky compared to some.