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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DD or DH being unreasonable? (Snoring in the living room!)

209 replies

BearWindow · 11/06/2017 20:11

DH snores.

DD is home from uni and was watching TV in the living room. DH always comes home from work and takes a nap on the sofa. He was snoring. DD wasn't happy at all and having a moan. DH doesn't like napping in our room.

Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Stolengoat · 12/06/2017 01:13

I think think you are all BVU towards the op, she clearly thinks it is her dd home but it is not her house. My df often fell asleep on the sofa in the evening, I wouldn't have dreamed of walking him up because I couldn't hear the TV. I think dd sounds entitled, why do her wants trump dh's. She has a TV in her room if it bothers her.

SuperBeagle · 12/06/2017 01:13

Well if he's getting up at 3am and isn't going to bed until 11pm and is therefore tired in the afternoon, he's simply daft. There's no reason he can't go to bed earlier, despite your protestations.

MargotLovedTom1 · 12/06/2017 01:20

Wtf has that got to do with anything. He is a grown man - he can decide when the hell he wants to go to bed, and when he wants to have 40 winks.

Hotheadwheresthecoldbath · 12/06/2017 01:21

So let me get this clear,her had likes a nap after work.His wages probably go to pay dds accommodation but when she comes home she gets to dictate how things should be and you probably do her washing,feed her ,pay for days out while she's at home.
Maybe I'm wrong?

Hotheadwheresthecoldbath · 12/06/2017 01:31

Other issue if your DH has an early night and no nap as others suggest then to get 8hours he would have to go to bed at 8pm and all household activities would have to be curtailed if at all noisy.As all shift workers know it is incredibly difficult to sleep soundly when others are moving around the house,however quietly.

TheStoic · 12/06/2017 01:50

You seem like a horrendous mother. I feel incredibly sorry for your daughter.

Oh get a grip.

I'm trying to imagine a scenario where I tell my father to either be quiet or go somewhere else because I need to watch Sky.

Nope. Cannot even imagine it.

WizardOfToss · 12/06/2017 05:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Purplepicnic · 12/06/2017 06:04

How long is this nap compared to how long she watches TV? If it's 20 mins against her watching 3 hours of TV (or all day, as you mention) then I'm more inclined to come down on his side.

Katedotness1963 · 12/06/2017 06:14

My dad did the same thing and I hated it! Having to creep round, and God forbid you tried to change the TV channel! He'd suddenly be wide awake, barking about how he was watching that, his house, and on and on... There's a reason none of us had anything to do with him after mum died.

LexieLulu · 12/06/2017 06:20

I don't understand why you're asking, because you blatantly are on DH side. I think your husband was being very rude, his house or not.

My husband works long shifts and often falls asleep on couch. I will wake him and send him to bed if it disturbs me.

The fact your DD doesn't live at your house just makes it ruder, he started snoring round a guest.

picklemepopcorn · 12/06/2017 06:22

If she has no other commitments and is free to use the lounge all day, then I'd say she can arrange to be somewhere else for the time her dad always naps there, if she doesn't like it.

Where will she live when she finishes her degree?

LexieLulu · 12/06/2017 06:23

For the rare times you have a guest in your home your DH should suck it up and nap in his bed!

He can easily change the bedding if it bothers him that he's grubby

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/06/2017 06:40

So you're paying 14k a year for accommodation. That's a lot. I live just outside a university city. Accommodation like this looks like a set from friends. So are you not choosing to give her this luxurious lifestyle?

She can live here forever if she wants, but it isn't her house.

Not the only comment about it not being her house. Obviously it's not her house, has anyone disputed this? These comments sound like some kind of defence to me.

As for not helping and clearing up. Don't you think it would be more productive to have a chat with her? You being the parent, house owner and all.

And skip what you said is ridiculous. Parents are not superior to their children. My mother thinks like this. She's a narcissist and horrible to me. She thinks even in my mid 40's I should rever her and defer to her.

MaisyPops · 12/06/2017 06:41

What I'm getting from this is:

OP has a daughter at uni. DH is not the daughters dad (given that so many people have asked if DH is her dad and ive not seen a reply) and has turned up later in life. OP and DH have a house but view the daughter from a previous relationship as some reminder of a life before each other. DH can do do wrong in OP's eyes but her daughter now in OP's eyes doesn't have a home to come back to during uni holidays (probably because she's spending every minute justifying her husbands selfishness).
Sure, the daughter should pick up more chores if it's her home. But as the OP HAS made is very clear she is just a guest in her mother's home I wouldn't expect a guest to do all of that.
The DH 'cant' go to bed earlier than 11pm despite being up at 4am (according to the OP) despite many people saying that going to be at a sensible time for shift work would solve this.

OP is clearly over invested at prioritising her new man over her child.

I may be way off mark but that's how it comes across.

Guitargirl · 12/06/2017 06:42

Can someone please explain to me how it is her home?

I can't believe you are asking strangers on the internet to explain to you why your home is your daughter's home?

MaisyPops · 12/06/2017 06:51

guitar The only correct answer to the OP is 'how awful it must be for your DH having someone want to use the living room whilst he's napping because he couldn't sort his sleeping out. What an awful daughter coming back and viewing her mother's house as home when she has no permanent accommodation. Stand by your man OP because he's so wonderful and pays the bills'.

Fruitcocktail6 · 12/06/2017 06:51

This is depressing.

I live with DP but I still have keys to my parent's house, which will always be my home. It were I grew up from the age of 5.

And yes, if my ddad was snoring in the living room I'd tell him to go to bed. Not everyone grew up in a house were their dad was treated like some kind of demigod.

Hmmalittlefishy · 12/06/2017 07:04

maisy the op did say her DH was her dd's. Dad.

Op - what will happen after uni? Where will her home be? Nowadays lots of young people can't afford to buy or even to rent somewhere particularly when just starting out in employment.
You need to have a 2 way conversation about what happens in the house about tidying up etc. But a conversation not 'this is MY home not yours so you need to....'

Butterymuffin · 12/06/2017 07:04

Maisy she is his daughter, OP posted that she was.

There is a lot of justifying of the husband's wishes to do everything exactly as suits him though. And a drip feed about how entitled and lazy around the house daughter is. Haven't you told her to shape up on helping around the house, OP? With her on the napping, though, it's anti social.

junebirthdaygirl · 12/06/2017 07:08

Op did say he is her dd father. So all that about new man is rubbish.
The guy works from 3am so entitled to have a bit of a nap when gets home. Of course its the dds home but at 20 she is an entitled drama queen if she cant let her dad have a brief nap after work. If its her home she needs to be considerate too..We do these things out of compassion because he is tired not because we have to. She sounds more 016 than 20. I wouldnt pull the ..this is not your home card..but have a quiet word kindly reminding her that her poor dad is wrecked so bear with him. This comes from someone whose family are all power nappers but dont expect too much quietness while we grab a few minutes.
Op your relationship with your dd is on a different level now so try to move onto that.

picklemepopcorn · 12/06/2017 07:08

My adult son who does not contribute to the cost of running the house has less say over the house than DH and I who have maintained and paid for the house for years. It's is their home, but not their house. IYSWIM.

I'm surprised anyone would give priority to the non contributing, dependent, free-to-watch-tv-anytime adult over the contributing adult who is at work.

LakieLady · 12/06/2017 07:09

Good grief, I'm almost starting to think of myself as a tolerant person.

DP does this most evenings. It doesn't interfere with me watching tv at all. If the snoring's a bit loud, I turn the tv up. It's never occurred to me that he might be being U by not going upstairs and napping on the bed.

I could do without the farting, though.Smile

junebirthdaygirl · 12/06/2017 07:10

She dis say he is her dds dad so other man stuff is all rubbish. Her dad is tired. He can grab a few mins. She sounds over dramatic and more 16 than 20.

Trifleorbust · 12/06/2017 07:11

picklemepopcorn

It isn't about priority. If the living room is a communal area and bedrooms are for sleeping, the DH is being inconsiderate to other people living in the house. Whether or not she contributes financially (and she is a full-time student so I would argue she shouldn't be contributing for at the moment) it is still rude. Should dependants always have to defer to the breadwinner in all circumstances? Is that not taking advantage of your own power?

MargotLovedTom1 · 12/06/2017 07:22

She has all bloody day to mooch around the living room watching TV! Nobody is suggesting the father should be treated like a demigod; however after going out to work for hours he can snooze where and when he likes in his own home. Again, he's not a demigod, but by that token neither is the daughter.

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