Is DD or DH being unreasonable? (Snoring in the living room!)

[BearWindow]

DH snores.

DD is home from uni and was watching TV in the living room. DH always comes home from work and takes a nap on the sofa. He was snoring. DD wasn't happy at all and having a moan. DH doesn't like napping in our room.

Who is being unreasonable?

It's so annoying when people snore in the living room. Nobody else can use the room because no matter how loud you talk or turn up the tv the snoring just cuts through and is so so annoying. Unless we're talking heavy breathing, which it doesn't sound like it is.

As for it not being your daughter's home, I do find it hard to believe that you don't consider it hers as she doesn't have a full time home away from you yet. I presume she has to leave the student accommodation for at least some of the summer?

I'm 24 and I still have my room at my mums house for when I go 'home' to visit for the weekend. I live about an hour and a half from her now. I'm always welcome and can't imagine being told otherwise, I'd be gutted.

But she is welcome? She can live here forever if she wants, but it isn't her house.

Bloody hell. It is her home. Well it should be. This thread is sad.

Tell her you don't like her and want her out, your feelings are VERY clear here.

Is he her dad? Or your dh, but not her dad?

No it isn't her house but it is her home

And yes whilst he is up early, unless he is doing 5-5 shifts and up at 3am getting four hours a night he shouldn't need to nap every day. How long for? My sixty year old mother works a 12hr shift sometimes, as a ward sister and does not need to nap afterwards and often goes out for dinner, comes over for a bbq etc after a shift

Do you even like your DD, OP? We're all getting the impression that you don't, so imagine how she actually feels. Poor kid.

There's something really sad about this thread. How can you not consider your house your student daughter's home?!

A room with an en suite is not a home. Would you feel at home in a hotel room? An student accommodation will not be up to those standards. You don't have to own a house to make it your home. Or did you regard her as your freeloading lodger even when she was a baby?

I think we're clearly all getting the wrong picture here. I see home and house/apartment (whatever you live in the same) and it isn't her house!! Would she get a part of it if it was sold, no... as it isn't hers??

He works from 4 am to 3 pm, so yes, I'd say a nap is perfectly acceptable.

"I think we're clearly all getting the wrong picture here. I see home and house/apartment (whatever you live in the same) and it isn't her house!! Would she get a part of it if it was sold, no... as it isn't hers?"

In that case under-age children don't have a home either because the same applies to them.

Has he tried earlier bed and no nap? Sleeping in the day might be affecting his sleep at night.
Is he her dad?

Also yes she WILL get a portion, a large one, of the money made from your home when you die as inheritance. If its not this one it will still be relevant as the proceeds of this will go towards the next home you buy, surely.

If you aren't happy with this I suggest making a Will and making sure she doesn't get any of your money, if you're not that keen on her. Did you like her as a younger child?

I see you didn't answer the question of whether or not you actually like your DD.

Guess that tells us everything.

Of course she will get the money when I die. I said if I sold the house. She wouldn't get a say in that. Do you think she should get a say in how it's decorated? etc.?

Yes he's her dad.

Why not show this thread to them both OP. See how they react. I would be devastated if my DM told me this isn't my home because I don't own part of it. How unwelcoming you sound.

Because it's a stupid question.

You seem like a horrendous mother. I feel incredibly sorry for your daughter.

Just kick her out and be done with it, she's clearly annoying both yours and your DH's lifestyle by being back at your house!

It's not a stupid question; your entire attitude here shows you don't actually like her.

You need to adjust that, though at her age she's probably already figured it out.

If he has always done this how did you deal with it when she was living with you full time? She must have got in from school around the same time as he gets in from work? Was it never a problem then and can you use some strategies from back then to work around it, it will only be for a few weeks surely.

Also at 20, she will be graduating soon so will she visit/come back at all? You want to be careful not to burn your bridges too much as when she is older, has her own proper home (not a student bedsit room thing as though they can be fancy they are never particularly homey), job and kids you will surely want to be part of her life???

Never helps around the house and is very entitled when home!

Thought this might be the case, which is why I said I had responsibilities when so lived at home.

She is an adult so she should not be leaving the house in a state. My mum would not have tolerated that.

If she refuses to tidy up and eats all the food then I would be telling her to go back to Uni digs.

I have a house, which is my home.

I have had homes that were not my house (rented).

If I owned a buy to let I would have a house that was not my home.

My parents house is not my house but is another home. I don't have a specific room any more, but my dressing gown, pjs and slippers still live there, and I still have a key.

My uncle is nearly 60 and still has his slippers and dressing gown at my grandmas.

Yes, she should contribute when she's staying at home - she should be cleaning etc. The arrangement I used to have when I was back home from uni was that mum would leave me a list and put the first load of washing in (so it was done when I got up) and then I would do whatever was on the list.

I would expect that TV watching was prioritised over napping, because the living room is for communal (or at least potentially communal) activities - eg TV, board games, conversation. Napping excludes all other non silent activities. Couldn't you get a washable blanket for the bed?

I do also think that needing to nap everyday is unusual. I'm regularly working out the house 7-7 at least and don't nap.

You ask if I would expect you to let her help decide on decorating. I would expect you to have the final say, but I would expect you to canvass her opinion if painting her room (until she moves out into a permanent home of her own), and then you might still canvas her opinion to be nice - eg "we're planning to convert your old room to a guest room - we think we need a new colour scheme - what do you reckon about xxxx?"

You sound like you don't much like her, that's really sad.

You can get headphone extension leads which could help if moving the map isn't possible.

Remember that her expensive accommodation probably still doesn't feel like home - you can't put pictures on the walls, it's often not your own furniture or curtains.

It seems very odd that house and home are synonymous to you, and in your book if you don't own the building or pay the rent, the house is not your home. Have you really let your child grow up thinking your house is not her home?

He works from 4 am to 3 pm, so yes, I'd say a nap is perfectly acceptable.

I regularly work from 7 till 6, I don't feel the need for a nap when I get home. But if your husband does, surely it would be a more satisfactory one on the bed? As pointed out upthread, his concerns about cleanliness could easily be met by throwing a sheet over the bed.

Sorry but getting up at 3 am is a bit different to 6 am! He gets to sleep at 11 pm and that can't be any earlier.

Op you asked who was being more unreasonable. We all pretty much answered that it would your dh, though yes a few did say your dd.

Why carrying on arguing if your not going to accept everyone's answers.

At the end of the day a living room is a shared space, not somewhere for napping.

Sounds like your Dh can do no wrong