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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To do this for Dd so she has 'real' friends.

236 replies

Marieliala · 06/06/2017 22:40

Dd is 15 and is desperate to have 'real' friends. She has the crowd she hangs around with at school but wants the kind of friends that sleepover,go to concerts together etc. I feel for her,she does so many activities but is missing out on the 'teenage experience' of having fun.

She would love to have friends over but we can't because her brother is a school refused and is extremely controlling and has destroyed the house. I'm desperate to move but cannot afford it right now.

Aibu to rent out an aibnb nearby as a one off treat,she knows it would only be a one off because I can't even keep up with extra curricular fees or the weekly shop. just so she can have a sleepover (she's slept round friends houses but they've stopped inviting her because she never hosts) . Or is it too extreme ?

OP posts:
Fightingthefire · 06/06/2017 22:43

No it's not extreme, I would definitely do it if I could afford it.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 06/06/2017 22:43

Seek help for your ds so dd can enjoy a normal childhood. . I have had a nightmare ds and it does affect the whole household in a negative way. .
Awful for you both. .
Wish I had spoken out sooner.

AnneofGreenGablesAgain · 06/06/2017 22:47

Have you explained to the parents of the other kids the reason why you aren't returning the sleep overs and has she explained to her friends? Maybe if they understand why she can't host they will invite her. My db had a friend who had parents who both had mh difficulties and it we known they never hosted but the other. Kids still invited him.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 06/06/2017 22:47

TBH op. Her friends sound worse than useless. Leaving her out of sleep overs. They must know why you can't invite people to stay. She must talk to them and moan about her brother
Real friends include and involve you.
You shouldn't have to buy friendship.
Hopefully In time. She will find real friends.

PippaFawcett · 06/06/2017 22:48

But who would stay with them? Wouldn't they need an adult there?

Theworldisfullofidiots · 06/06/2017 22:53

Have you thought about young carers groups? She might not officially be a carer but I expect her experiences ate similar. It doesn't have to be a parent it could be a sibling.
But yes I'd do it (if an adult can be there otherwise you'd be breaking the terms of the rental and the insurance will be invalid)
and also help her find better friends

DasPepe · 06/06/2017 22:54

That sounds difficult, I'm sorry.

I don't think it's unreasonable, you are thinking of practical ways to provide something she is missing. That's fully understandable and it's lovely.
On the other hand is the argument that we can't always attain to all our desires - often at this age kids want to emulate the friendship experience they see in movies / shows and these are simply unattainable. There is also the argument that if they were her "real" friends, they would understand her situation and not punish her for things beyond her control.

Have you spoken to her about it? Perhaps it's something you can solve together: the idea of AirBnB might sound like a perfect solution initially. And it could work as a treat, such as a birthday. But it would be once only, the pressure to have a good time might be overwhelming, it might spoil the experience.she might feel guilty about you spending extra money and not enjoy herself at all. Perhaps there are other things she could do to feel more involved, if you are willing to spend some extra money.

But hopefully she appreciates that you take these issues seriously for her.

notgivingin789 · 06/06/2017 22:54

You shouldn't have to buy friendship

👏👏👏👏👏

Original poster
Marieliala · 06/06/2017 22:57

I would stay with them . Ds is sleeping over a friends house on the day I'm planning .

School are involved with Ds,social services were involved but aren't anymore,numerous mental health professionals has said there's nothing wrong and police are too soft on him when he's smashing the house up or harming us. Dd has had difficult things to deal with on top of her brother , I've had to make her stop 2 of her hobbies that keep her distracted from the chaos at home . I just feel she deserves a treat.
Dd has told her friends that things at home aren't too good with Ds so can't have friends over but it's too embarrassed and afraid to say much more as they're the same age and doesn't want ds to hear and get angry .

OP posts:
ineedamoreadultieradult · 06/06/2017 22:59

I'm wondering if the problem is with her 'friends' rather than her not being able to host sleepovers. I never had friends round to my house even for a few hours let alone a sleepover because my family are very aggressive and controlling with some domestic violence thrown in. I was never left out of anything.

Original poster
Marieliala · 06/06/2017 23:04

She's had the same problem with other group of friends too. It starts off well,meeting up in town but as soon as it gets to staying round each others houses , Dd gets left out . Her last group of friends told her to 'go home to her abusive brother and find someone else to cry about it to'

OP posts:
AuntieMeemz · 06/06/2017 23:06

My son is autistic and had no friends. It was so painful for him.
Whilst I agree that you shouldn't buy friends, it certainly helps to get things going. I invited boys over gave them loads of pizza etc and got a new game for the device. it worked a treat.
So I would say do it definitely, it will help kick start something for her. Go all out to make it a fab experience with lots of activities and front load some friendships for her. Make sure you can keep it going for a while by taking photos and putting them on thank you cards a few days later.
Help things keep moving forward during the event by making sure YOU get in there and say lead the sticking on of body tatoos or whatever your daughter is into. A sweet treat tray, or whatever too.
Make sure someone leaves something behind that they can collect by meeting you/her in a coffee shop or whatever.
Maybe do something unusual with the room or space (my daughter's friends all have loads of money and have really expensive parties that we can't afford, so I got purple tents, lights, fake candles etc and had a sleep over for her birthday. We did candlemaking, bouncy ball making, and loads of stuff like that).

Think of it as an investment and think what you can do to follow it up.

Do what you need to, some of us have to work much harder and be much more creative with our parenting.

I'm sure you have thought of this, but can DS go anywhere overnight? Or at least to a very late event that leaves him tired and only wanting bed, so DS could have a sleepover? Ice Hockey is a good one.
Or host a get together at one of those places that do giant deserts for DD?
My friend has a son a bit like your DS, and she always invites my son over to keep him company when her DS has a sleepover. They also spend part of the evening out.

Good luck.

AuntieMeemz · 06/06/2017 23:08

Forgot to say, bless your heart. You are doing the best you can, and you are the best chance he has. Be kind to yourself. You are thinking of your DS and doing what you need to do for her.

grumpysquash3 · 06/06/2017 23:10

OP, if your DS is staying away that night anyway, why not have it at your house? The girls could all sleep in the living room.

Peppapogstillonaloop · 06/06/2017 23:10

Her 'friends' sound horrid and not like real friends, I would not be wasting money on this there must be other better ways to help her with friendship issues and to make up for problems with her brother?

Original poster
Marieliala · 06/06/2017 23:16

Thank you auntimeemz I hadn't thought of it as a kickstart it's just so heartbreaking hearing her cry to sleep telling me she just wants to be a normal teenager.

There's no way I could have it our house even if ds is away. The cupboards have no doors,there's wholes in the walls,wall paper ripped it's absolutely trashed and every time we fix something, Ds breaks something else.

OP posts:
Original poster
Marieliala · 06/06/2017 23:17

Thank you auntimeemz I hadn't thought of it as a kickstart it's just so heartbreaking hearing her cry to sleep telling me she just wants to be a normal teenager.

There's no way I could have it our house even if ds is away. The cupboards have no doors,there's wholes in the walls,wall paper ripped it's absolutely trashed and every time we fix something, Ds breaks something else.

OP posts:
MrsOverTheRoad · 06/06/2017 23:19

Auntie your advice is well meaning but very misguided.

15 year old girls don't want a parent "leading the activities" they're cringe.

And how is OP meant to "make sure someone leaves something behind" ? Confused

Surely you don't mean that she should hide something?

OP...this all sounds fabulous but it won't mean she has real friends.

It will make her briefly popular probably...if you go too, then it could be awkward though unless there's a separate sitting room for you.

Original poster
Marieliala · 06/06/2017 23:19

Dd has had the same problem in every school she's been to apart from one . The kids at her previous school were so amazing and understanding but I couldn't afford to live there and had to move,these friends no longer keep in contact despite dds efforts

OP posts:
olderthanyouthink · 06/06/2017 23:20

My brother is SN, until a few years ago (puberty happened) I think he would have been fine around my friends staying over but there was never any discussing it with my parents. Friends could come over on weekends/afterschool sometimes but never slept over.

I did stay over at others houses, perhaps not quite as much as other people did (not sure that was due to the lack of reciprocation). do remember one "friend" getting snarky because we never stayed at mine but I reminded her about my brother and others backed me up and she shut up.

Her "friends" sound hideous, perhaps young carers would be good (no one would even think of being so cruel there, we were all in the same boat).

PeaFaceMcgee · 06/06/2017 23:20

She shouldn't be frightened to admit to her friends that you are living with domestic abuse and violence. If they are good friends they will understand x

olderthanyouthink · 06/06/2017 23:22

Out of interest how old is your DS and when did this start?

AfunaMbatata · 06/06/2017 23:23

If you do this you'll end up having to do it again and again.
They sound like shit friends, non of my friendship group at that age judged each other based on such things.

goingmadinthecountry · 06/06/2017 23:24

You sound so lovely. I'm afraid I have no experience to offer you, but you are obviously struggling with a horrid situation. Youth mh provision in this country is an utter disgrace xx

PeaFaceMcgee · 06/06/2017 23:25

OP says her ds is the same age as her 15yo DD. I really feel for her.