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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To do this for Dd so she has 'real' friends.

236 replies

Marieliala · 06/06/2017 22:40

Dd is 15 and is desperate to have 'real' friends. She has the crowd she hangs around with at school but wants the kind of friends that sleepover,go to concerts together etc. I feel for her,she does so many activities but is missing out on the 'teenage experience' of having fun.

She would love to have friends over but we can't because her brother is a school refused and is extremely controlling and has destroyed the house. I'm desperate to move but cannot afford it right now.

Aibu to rent out an aibnb nearby as a one off treat,she knows it would only be a one off because I can't even keep up with extra curricular fees or the weekly shop. just so she can have a sleepover (she's slept round friends houses but they've stopped inviting her because she never hosts) . Or is it too extreme ?

OP posts:
SuperBeagle · 07/06/2017 09:14

Her friends don't sound like real friends.

I think it's important to remember that you can't buy friends, and you shouldn't put yourself out of pocket to attempt to secure friendships for your daughter. These "friends" are obviously not very nice because they leave her out of things. Real friends wouldn't do that regardless of whether your DD hosted or not.

Save the money and spend it on doing something nice for you and your DD instead. Encourage her to keep in mind that she will only be in high school for a short time and that she has all the time in the world to experience the best of life and make friends.

eelbecomingforyou · 07/06/2017 09:16

OP - your DD lives in a chaotic and violent household. That is going severely fuck up her chances of having a good group of friends.

I would boot him out calling the police in the process. Refuse flatly to have him back

This^^

Your poor dd.

MissEliza · 07/06/2017 09:23

The airBnB idea is great for a short term solution but I really feel for you dd having to deal with a brother like that. He is spoiling her childhood. I think he needs to live elsewhere. I'm not sure what age he is but I'm assuming he's under 16 as he's a school refuser. I think he needs to be in foster care. TBH the only child I know of who behaved like that ended up in a residential school. I feel like you've been abandoned Op. It's dreadful for you and your dd. Don't accept it.

QuintessentialShadow · 07/06/2017 09:25

What a shit life your daughter have.

Beaten by her brother
Living in a wrecked house where she cant bring friends home
Living in violence and chaos
Experiencing her mum cutting her activities to pander to her brothers requests for cash
Living on eggshells that he does not kick off
Having a mum who is cowed by her brother and dont support her effectively
Not having friends due to the above

I am surprised your dd has not been taken into care already for living through this. Have you thought of letting HER be fostered so her life will not be completely screwed up?

Are you using HER as a crutch to be able to handle the above yourself?

SparklyMagpie · 07/06/2017 09:25

Id be kicking him out. Your poor DD, heartbreaking

metalmum15 · 07/06/2017 09:31

I don't think I can add anything that hasn't already been said, your situation sounds horrific. All I can say is that I think this is affecting your daughter more than you think. You said she doesn't tell her friends much about her home life, but I think she tells them more than you think she does. The fact her friends told her to 'run off and cry about it to somebody else' means she's probably upset and talking about it quite a bit. It was a mean thing to say, but unfortunately most 15 year olds aren't emotionally equipped to deal with it very well, especially if they have no experience of abusive families. Perhaps they just want 'easy' friendships, revolving around school /boys /clothes. They don't have the tools to handle the situation very well. I have no advice for your son, but it sounds like you're getting to the point where you have to kick him out. He may well end up homeless on the street but you and your dd will be safe. It's a sad situation all round.

QuimReaper · 07/06/2017 09:33

OP you keep saying that when you kick him out he stays at a friend's house, and in fact that he's staying at a friend's house on the night in question - does he behave himself at other people's houses?

I'm really surprised that he's the one being invited to sleepovers and not your daughter! I imagine if he were smashing things up in other people's houses he wouldn't be welcomed back, so perhaps he does know how to control his behaviour when he has to. On that basis I second the (admittedly horrible) conclusion that you'll have to telephone the police and have him removed. It may be that a period of homelessness (housed in a hostel / foster home) shocks some sense into him, and you might be able to conceive of having a relationship with him in the future.

pandarific · 07/06/2017 09:43

Op it may be difficult for you to stand up to your son and go through with having him removed after being abused by him for so long.

Post on the relationships board here - they are bloody brilliant at supporting people get away from their abusers, and will be really helpful to you.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 07/06/2017 09:44

Marieliala. It's a shame you haven't posted before, MN is full of great advice for people coping in difficult situations.

If I was in this situation I would have contacted someone higher up in SS/Police, long before now.

emmyrose2000 · 07/06/2017 09:50

The last few posts have echoed what I have felt from beginning to read this thread OP. I know you don't want to hear this but you are the adult here and are letting both your kids down in different ways. I would boot him out calling the police in the process. Refuse flatly to have him back. It might be the turning point he needs as while you are appeasing him by keeping a roof over his head and paying him when he doesn't kick off he has no incentive to change. Time to stop expecting others to put this right and for you to do it yourself. You are showing contempt for your daughter while you allow this situation to continue

Totally agree.

Time for some "tough love" for your son.

Does he behave himself when he's staying with friends and other people? If yes, then he knows he can get away with it at home which is why he keeps doing it. If no, then it's even more reason to kick him out and call the police and refuse to let him back in the house.

bruffian · 07/06/2017 09:53

I feel awful for your dd

From what I've read here (I'm aware there may be more to it) you do not sound as though you are dealing with your ds properly

sorry if ive missed it, is there a dh/dp around?

bruffian · 07/06/2017 09:55

I'll admit sometimes I give Ds the money that's for Dd's activities,revision books ,school equipment just so he doesn't kick off.

bloody hell

so she is complicit in having to parent him as well

she NEEDS activities and revision so she can do well in life and get the fuck out of there as soon as possible.

emmyrose2000 · 07/06/2017 10:19

She had to stop because I couldn't afford them , I'll admit sometimes I give Ds the money that's for Dd's activities,revision books ,school equipment just so he doesn't kick off

Any sympathy I had for you disappeared when I read this.

Your poor daughter. This is just setting her up to believe that her needs and wants don't matter and that abuse is okay in any future relationship/s she may have.

Carollocking · 07/06/2017 10:22

Never mind kick off kick him Out ,end of problem ,ring police ,refuse to house him and I'd also be pressing charges for damage and abuse etc.

MissClimpsonsTypingBureau · 07/06/2017 10:26

OP, I hope some of the advice you've got is helpful and I hope things get better for you. I have nothing to add but didn't want to read and run. Sending Flowers. You've had a rough time on here which feels unfair given how rough a time it sounds like you're having in general.

theclick · 07/06/2017 10:27

I would question why she is not getting invited back. In my experience, when teens want to hang out, they do.

StHeathensGrammar · 07/06/2017 10:27

Stop wrecking your DDs life - kick your son out. How fucking dare you let your daughter be abused day in, day out like this. It's already massively affecting her if she doesn't have proper friends. People saying "they don't sound like real friends" are missing the point - people dump damaged people, I know because I am one.

Yet again men get to be violent dickheads who ruin women's lives.

diddl · 07/06/2017 10:29

"That is going severely fuck up her chances of having a good group of friends."

It shouldn't.

If she was my friend I'd be having her at my house as much as possible.

I wouldn't want to go to her house with her abusive brother there-who would?

But if I wanted to see her that wouldn't be an obstacle as she could come to me.

" I'll admit sometimes I give Ds the money that's for Dd's activities,revision books ,school equipment just so he doesn't kick off"

And what's the point in the long run?

Sycamorewindmills · 07/06/2017 10:32

My experience of teenagers who sound similar to your son has been as a foster carer. We have had several teenagers stay with us who are dangerous and violent at home to their immediate family. I think foster care for your son sounds like a very good call OP. The teenagers who have lived us have come as a result of Police involvement - after they have assaulted a family member and the family have refused to have them back home. We have had these young people with us for a number of months and worked with the families to get them back home where possible.

StHeathensGrammar · 07/06/2017 10:38

diddl If she was my friend I'd be having her at my house as much as possible.

You might be one of the rare people who would. But most people withdraw from traumatised people. It sounds like it's been going on for long enough that the DD will already be hugely emotionally affected. Especially as she has no support whatsoever (and when she inevitably approaches mental health services they will say her problems are so ingrained before age 18 they will likely diagnose her with perosnality disorder, as happens to abused young women Angry).

diddl · 07/06/2017 10:45

"But most people withdraw from traumatised people."

Yes, I hadn't thought of that.

I do think that if these were real friends then her not hosting sleepovers wouldn't matter to them, but yes it isn't as simple as that, is it?

OliviaPopeRules · 07/06/2017 10:45

Sorry but your son needs to go, tell SS you will not have him in your home.
You cannot allow you DD to be abused, would you have anyone else living in the house if they were doing it?

MissionItsPossible · 07/06/2017 10:46

Well, I WAS going to say in response to I would stay with them . Ds is sleeping over a friends house on the day I'm planning Why waste money on AirBNB if he is not in the house anyway why can't they stay at yours?

But when I read this: friends told her to 'go home to her abusive brother and find someone else to cry about it to'

ShockShockShock

How dare they say such a nasty thing. Does she need these so-called friends? (I haven't RTFT so this may have already been addressed but it just shocked me)

bruffian · 07/06/2017 10:47

So your son is popular enough to get invited to sleepovers?

He sounds a real prince

TimeIhadaNameChange · 07/06/2017 10:52

On the very occasional times I'm with my mother and sister my mother will put her first, every time, for fear of her reaction otherwise.

I've never been in the same situation as your DD by any stretch of the imagination - my sister is much older than me, moved out the family home when I was 7, and it was only after that that her personality changed and she became the bully she is today, but even with the limited contact I've had with her since then it has affected me quite seriously. Being told that I have to do X, Y or Z against my will because that's what my sister wants. Have my sister talk to me like shit and not being allowed to stand up for myself for fear she'll verbally attack my mother. This, and other stuff has meant my self confidence is non-existent. And I'm and adult, and have my own home to retreat to.

This is minor compared to what your daughter is going through. God, she doesn't even have a safe place to call home, and her means of escape have been taken away from her, and, effectively, given to her brother.

She doesn't need an AirBnB, she needs a home. And a mother.