To do this for Dd so she has 'real' friends.

[Marieliala]

Dd is 15 and is desperate to have 'real' friends. She has the crowd she hangs around with at school but wants the kind of friends that sleepover,go to concerts together etc. I feel for her,she does so many activities but is missing out on the 'teenage experience' of having fun.

She would love to have friends over but we can't because her brother is a school refused and is extremely controlling and has destroyed the house. I'm desperate to move but cannot afford it right now.

Aibu to rent out an aibnb nearby as a one off treat,she knows it would only be a one off because I can't even keep up with extra curricular fees or the weekly shop. just so she can have a sleepover (she's slept round friends houses but they've stopped inviting her because she never hosts) . Or is it too extreme ?

So if your son goes to sleepovers, he can behave?

But chooses not to at home?

That's right diddl. Now do you have any actual advice for the OP? Because I've lived this (in same position as OPs dd) and don't know what she should do for the best.

It is so easy to judge.

I feel desperately sorry for your DD...

Might she not be being invited to friends houses because she goes into school with black eyes etc...? And it's the parents who don't want her there as they can see abuse is happening at home & they would rather their dds stayed out of that? Not condoning this at all and it's terribly sad for your dd but I don't think I'd want my dd staying overnight at an airbnb with someone I don't know (I assume you're not friends with the other dds parents?) and their dd who is clearly being abused...what happens if your ds turns up?

Heartbreaking for her - you need to get the police involved asap and make them listen otherwise you could end up losing your dd...

This is crazy. MAKE THE POLICE PRESS CHARGES. They are likely disinclined to press charges but if you insisted, they would. But you aren't insisting, I'm guessing.

This is awful. I'm sorry but I don't think you are good mum like someone said before. A good mum would try to save at least 1 child. You could save your daughter but you don't want to.

Posters are talking about her getting a fresh start when she goes to college or uni - the OP is giving the money for her essential school supplies to her 'D'S. She lives in an abusive, chaotic environment. I'm guessing she won't get the best marks she's capable of in this scenario and she's likely to take the first route out of that house - and there's a good chance that will be a boyfriend who may well be abusive himself.

You're not just failing to protect your child, OP, you're fucking up her chance of a good future. But sure, worry about sleepovers. FFS.

there is some staggeringly awful advice on here.
report your son to the police, press charges.
Don't keep his secrets- protect your daughter.

Yeah sure let's all pile on the op who clearly is at her wits end, has been struggling for help, had tried again and again and is stuck. That'll really help! Good job guys.
Honestly could some of you be any more unsympathetic and nasty if you tried.
The last thing op needs is to feel like she can no longer come back here for support

She's in a horrible situation but she's trying to fix the wrong thing. It mustn't be dreadful but she's so close to it that she can only see how to fix the small things - the whole situation has clearly been normalised and she needs clarity and, frankly, a bit of tough love. The son has been behaving like this since he was ELEVEN. Time to salvage whatever is left of her daughter's childhood and support her in having a future.

Just wanted to say I am glad to hear your efforts to keep your daughter happy OP but I think they are sticking plasters on a big problem. I think the Air BnB would be weird. I think putting all your resources into her keeping on her outside interests are more important. Could you mention to the other parents (a brief sentence) as to why you cannot host at the moment and thank them for hosting her in the past?

Could you say it is breaking down at home ?foster respite

Op, you are walking on a very hard road.No advice ,but know there is a stranger out there who is thinking of you.
Your thread has found me with my heart in my mouth with fear for you and your daughter after reading .
Hoping someone with knowledge will come along to help.

Why can't you have ds sleep at a friends when your dd friends come over to you?
It would save a lot of trouble.

Mission How dare they say such a nasty thing. Does she need these so-called friends?

People do actually do/say such nasty things though. And these are teens, not even adults with more life experience/maturity. I realise it's very shocking if you've not come across it before, but an awful lot of people really think those who are struggling/traumatised are fair game to be treated as subhuman. There's a whole culture of dismissing people as "attention seeking" and so on - and it's widespread, amongst people you'd never expect. Massively victim-blaming. This thread is sadly the perfect example of this - victim blamed, excluded, treated like shit, whilst violent, manipulative perpetrator has friends and gets his own way. Poor, poor DD.

NoFucks OP is allowing her duaghters life to be ruined, and ignoring the huge emotional damage already done. Its inexcusable.

Trying to arrange a sleepover isn't going to solve the problem that the DD is traumatised - "friends" are rejecting her because she is so damaged, not because she can't host them.

Haven't read the whole thread.

My son's have never had sleep overs. Small house, emotionally abusive ex.
It has never been a problem for them. Their friends still invite them to theirs. That's how friendships work.

Yes, can people please keep in mind the op has also been abused. Come back and talk to us op, you're getting a kicking but most of us want to help.

It's not uncommon for teenagers with complex, chaotic home lives to find it hard making and sustaining healthy friendships. It's hard enough as a teenage girl navigating social politics without all this. And I don't think it's necessarily a case of seeing her as subhuman or excluding her out of meanness, but an understandable wariness of her situation - and maybe their parents want to keep their kids away from someone living with an abusive violent relative because he's genuinely a risk.

And I'm sure you'd all find it so easy to just cut off one of you kids or kick them out.
Some of you talk like he's a partner she can just leave because she's fallen out of love with him. He is also her child and she is trying to get help!
Instead of getting angry at her maybe we should be angry at all the organisations that are failing them

Let me get this right, you cannot afford to let your DD continue her hobbies, which are a lifeline for her. Instead, you want to pay for one night somewhere else so she can invite 'friends' overnight. Exactly what will this achieve? This just seems nuts to me!

It must be a very challenging situation, and I feel for you, but you need to pull on your big girl pants and tackle the REAL problem here. Your DS. Right now, your DD has no safe place or sanctuary. This is much more important than an occasional sleep-over.

Oh I'm quite sure the morally indignant on here would have kicked their 11 year old sons out at the first sign of trouble, rather than trying to deal with the situation and seeking help (before realising there is no help to be had).

So much sympathy on this forum for women who can't leave abusive partners, so little for those abused by their children because it must be their fault, right.

I've swithered long and hard about posting this as I'm not sure I have any advice and have no desire to make OP feel bad.
I grew up in a situation almost exactly like this: my parents were failed by every possible support service, and as a result they failed me.
I understood their efforts to appease my violent, destructive brother; I did and still do but unfortunately the ability to empathise with how hard it was did not protect me from the lasting damage it caused.
My parents worked so hard to protect my brother from the full consequences of his behaviour that it inevitably came at my expense.
Many of your daughter's peers just lack a frame of reference, an ability to understand. That was certainly my experience. They want fun and unfortunately the victims of abuse tend not to be laugh a minute company. The lack of peer support coupled with the abject misery of our household left me vulnerable.
I would have done ANYTHING to get out of that house and to be accepted. So when an older boy who turned out to be predatory and ultimately violent showed me a way out, I went with him. And suffered a secondary set of hideous consequences.
You sound lovely OP. I am not sharing my experiences to criticise you but in the hope of helping. Perhaps it is time to consider pressing charges against your son. I can't imagine how hard that would be for you. But as someone still living with the reverberations of growing up with a violent sibling I would suggest that the problem goes far beyond helping your daughter have a "normal" friendship group and well into securing her future mental wellbeing in general.

Please ignore my last posts. They're on the wrong thread. My cold is obviously worse than I thought.

Thank you ,thank you Smarties for your timely post!...If you build it they will come.
Op. wishing you better days.

I have read the whole thread.

At the beginning lots of posters were saying how fantastic the OP is. And the OP was responding.

Now we have got to the root of the matter. This poor girl is living in a chaotic, violent and very disturbing environment. And her mother is doing sweet FA about it. Yes, yes, you've been to the gp loads of time etc etc. Where there is a will, there is a way.

Anyway, now that we're all horrified about the situation, the OP has ducked out of the thread.

I suspect this is her approach to problems in real life too.