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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To do this for Dd so she has 'real' friends.

236 replies

Marieliala · 06/06/2017 22:40

Dd is 15 and is desperate to have 'real' friends. She has the crowd she hangs around with at school but wants the kind of friends that sleepover,go to concerts together etc. I feel for her,she does so many activities but is missing out on the 'teenage experience' of having fun.

She would love to have friends over but we can't because her brother is a school refused and is extremely controlling and has destroyed the house. I'm desperate to move but cannot afford it right now.

Aibu to rent out an aibnb nearby as a one off treat,she knows it would only be a one off because I can't even keep up with extra curricular fees or the weekly shop. just so she can have a sleepover (she's slept round friends houses but they've stopped inviting her because she never hosts) . Or is it too extreme ?

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Original poster
Marieliala · 06/06/2017 23:26

He was so sweet and loving but has always had a short temper, I think growing up without a father is difficult for him but he'll never admit. He got worse around 8 and got the the really bad point that he is now at 11

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Original poster
Marieliala · 06/06/2017 23:27

He's 15 (twins)

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Tamatoa · 06/06/2017 23:29

Ok, it's summer so....camping?? And, maybe while you have a captive audience of her friends gathered around the fire roasting marshmallows, drop in some facts about her home life. "Things are kind of crazy at ours, we deal with as best we can don't we dd"
"It's a shame ds's behaviour dictates dds social life, this is so much fun"
"We are only sorry we couldn't do this at home with some Netflix! I could just about go a few episodes of ^whatever^"
And also let it be known that although her home is out of bounds, you will enable plenty of other ways to 'pay back' their including her.

Boulshired · 06/06/2017 23:31

How large is the friendship group? DD is in a group of 6 and most of the parents set the limit of 3/4 so the girls who do not invite do not get invited. DS2 has severe learning difficulties but I am lucky in that my house has digital locks on all doors so damage is limited so can have sleepovers. I hate them though as stress levels go through the roof especially with DS2. I find that the girls do not leave the room so if her room and the bathroom is ok you might be able to get away with your own house.

pandarific · 06/06/2017 23:31

What about your son and daughter's grandparents? Could they take your ds for a while? Your poor daughter, it sounds awful for her. Sad

Original poster
Marieliala · 06/06/2017 23:33

Grandparents on both sides have passed away, my siblings do not want Ds or Dd over .

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Original poster
Marieliala · 06/06/2017 23:34

She has 3 'best friends' in the group who are always together at school and then they mix up with other groups of girls at lunch time where there's 8 of them.

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bbbbbinng · 06/06/2017 23:36

I grew up in a similar situation to your DD.

My brother has very severe learning difficulties and Autism and I grew up with him regularly smashing our house up, and being extremely violent towards me and my parents. There was no way I'd ever have been able to have people to stay over at mine.

At the time I felt exactly the same way as your DD. I felt so angry and that life was so incredibly unfair that I couldn't just do normal things that my friends could. Obviously as a teenager you just view yourself as the centre of the universe and everything is so heavily influenced by your peers. But in another year or 2 your DD will be more mature and will be able to see the situation more rationally.

However my friends did understand about my situation and never got funny with me about it so I'm thinking that maybe your DDs friendships are possibly a little superficial.

Saying that it wouldn't harm to hire out a house for the night on the odd occasion just so your DD could get a bit of time away from her brother.

My parents took my brother away once a year on holiday and would leave me the house to myself from about the age of 13 upwards and it was such a godsend to me. I felt normal for the week, and would be able to have friends over. It was nice knowing that once a year I'd get a little respite from him.

pandarific · 06/06/2017 23:36

Okay. Then nothing to be done I think until he's grown enough to leave home, unless he changes.

Assuming your ds has no SN, (it sounds like he doesn't if he's never been diagnosed with anything?) might he want to move out in a few years if he's so unhappy with home? If he's as abusive and unrepentant as you say, it might be for the best.

Original poster
Marieliala · 06/06/2017 23:44

He's never been diagnosed with anything but the way he behaves is much more than just teenage behaviour. I just wish Dd's friends and school would be more understanding,there's been days where I've left for work and she's gone into school crying ,covered in bruises and no one asks if she's okay. We've been referred to so many services just to be told they can't help.

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Italiangreyhound · 06/06/2017 23:46

You sound like a brilliant parent and it is a great idea,

Go for it.

Maybe also encourage one on one friendships with others from school or activities.

"You shouldn't have to buy friendship" This is not buying friendship it is joining in with others, friends sharing things.

Please also seek some help with your son, it sounds like it is terribly difficult for you all. How old is he?

Original poster
Marieliala · 06/06/2017 23:55

Thank you ^ and thank you everyone. I have tried getting help for my son but it never gets anywhere. He spends all day trashing things up and making things difficult for me and Dd when we come home from work/school . Education welfare officer is involved and all referrals made has been unsuccessful

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Italiangreyhound · 06/06/2017 23:55

Ah, I see he is 15 too.

Is he going to get a job and leave home or are you going to be looking after him?

I think you need to get him refereed to some service or other, CAMHS? His behaviour is not normal.

If your dd is going into school covered in bruises after he has smashed up he house then there is a serious issue. If you do not get some help now, respite or whatever, while he is under the age opf 18, what will happen when he is older. I assume you have tried to have him referred to some services?

This is going to sound really hard but if he continues to hurt you and your dd, do you involved the police? What happened?

You do not need to answer this, I know your thread is not about this. But i think you have a bigger issue than dd's friends now, you have the issue of what is going to happen generally when he is older. You and your dd are basically living with an abusive almost adult male.

Italiangreyhound · 06/06/2017 23:55
Sad
User02 · 06/06/2017 23:57

Don't you think it would be a good idea to insist that someone helps you with DS's conduct. Either a diagnosis and treatment or something further. I am horrified that DD is going to school covered in bruises and crying and none of the staff there think to do something for the poor girl.
It is so wrong for you and DD to be physically attacked and living with such extreme behaviour caused by another person.

Boulshired · 06/06/2017 23:58

They can help and you need help, it is just that you have to let them really see how difficult you are finding it to cope and not let it drop until they do. It is hard when instinct tells you not to show people how vulnerable you are as a family. My oldest two have made some nice friends within a young carers group. You son should st least get a mental health diagnosis. Are you claiming any DLA for him?

Original poster
Marieliala · 07/06/2017 00:03

Been referred to camhs 6 times since he was 9,had an assement with them last month and they said no there's no problems and they can't help. I can't afford to go private. Had endless amounts of appointments with the gp and different services who say there is nothing wrong just 'teenage' behaviour. I've even shown recordings of ds kicking off. Ds now refuses to go to any appointments. Police just tell ds if he gives her another black eye,causes trouble at home they will charge him . They only ever give him a telling off even when they've had to be called multiple times in a week then they get social services involved who close the case every time.

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Italiangreyhound · 07/06/2017 00:03

If your son is a risk to you then it may be time to consider foster care, or at least asking about this. I know that places are incredibly rare and it may not work out, but for the sake of your daughter you cannot go on like this.

I also wonder if you need counselling and assertiveness training to deal with this.

I am sorry your wider family are not helping you at all. Do you know why this is?

Angry on your behalf!

wooster16 · 07/06/2017 00:06

Didn't want to read and run, but op you sound like an amazing parent Flowers

SettlingOrLucky · 07/06/2017 00:07

I haven't read all the replies but I think that's a lovely idea. I had friends over once when I was in my teens and my brother threw a chair at one of my friends and then later took the fuses out (when he decided that it was time for us to go to bed). I think that to do that for her just once is an absolutely lovely idea.

Italiangreyhound · 07/06/2017 00:08

Your son is giving your daughter black eyes?

Please call the NSPCC or get your DD to call childline. I would also involve your local MP. I know that sounds extreme but you need to protect her.

Your son is utterly out of control. Your daughter needs to be empowered to get help as well, maybe her voice will be less easy to ignore.

I've even heard of people who went to lawyers to see if they could force social services to help them, but the situation was a bit different (same basic premise, one child threatening others).

Have you talked to Citizen's advice beuareau?

Sorry if this is all things you have tried before.

Is there any governing body in charge of CAMHS you could speak to, the patients charter or whatever. Whatever his behaviour is, it is not normal. Sad

Original poster
Marieliala · 07/06/2017 00:09

Not claiming DLA.

Family don't want to help because they think I created all this by not being firm enough and not finding a father figure to raise them (their father passed away when they were too young to remember him).

Believe me , I have told social services that I don't want him here anymore before and all that happens is ds spends the night on a friends sofa for a while then returns

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Original poster
Marieliala · 07/06/2017 00:12

Nspcc get social services involved who don't help ,it's like we're stuck in the same circle over and over.

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Lookforthelight · 07/06/2017 00:16

I'm curious as to why you've even asked this because you seem to have already told your daughter that this can happen.