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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To do this for Dd so she has 'real' friends.

236 replies

Marieliala · 06/06/2017 22:40

Dd is 15 and is desperate to have 'real' friends. She has the crowd she hangs around with at school but wants the kind of friends that sleepover,go to concerts together etc. I feel for her,she does so many activities but is missing out on the 'teenage experience' of having fun.

She would love to have friends over but we can't because her brother is a school refused and is extremely controlling and has destroyed the house. I'm desperate to move but cannot afford it right now.

Aibu to rent out an aibnb nearby as a one off treat,she knows it would only be a one off because I can't even keep up with extra curricular fees or the weekly shop. just so she can have a sleepover (she's slept round friends houses but they've stopped inviting her because she never hosts) . Or is it too extreme ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Marieliala · 07/06/2017 00:19

I haven't told Dd it can happen. I've told her I want to plan something fun for her when ds goes off to his sleepover but I thought it might be a bit over the top to get an airbnb

OP posts:
Original poster
Marieliala · 07/06/2017 00:20

Dd knows what ever I plan will be a one off because money is tight at the moment.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 07/06/2017 00:21

Marieliala Can you see if social services can provide a mediation meeting where you hvae someone on your behalf issue DS with some sort of behavioral contact and if he breaches this you will have him removed by police? I know that you have tried so many things, but I think as he gets older you have got to get him away from you and your dd.

You can change the locks or even move, yes, I now that sounds extreme but I think you need to be thinking extreme.

Could you find just a few people who can help you, a local police person who is like community policing? Your MP?

My dd is slightly aggressive, not so much now, but when she was younger we looked into PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) or ODD (Opposition Defiant Disorder).

Is it possible CAMHS could have missed these, PDA is not very much believed but it is a real thing!

www.empoweringparents.com/article/odd-kids-how-to-manage-violent-behavior-in-children-and-teens/

I am sure you have considered may of these things. I do hope you find something that turns things around.

www.carersuk.org/forum/support-and-advice/new-to-the-forum/at-end-of-tether-with-camhs-argh-17767

Anyway, I hope I am not annoying you with all my suggestions, I am just so sorry for you. I really hope you will find a way forward.

I would even consider calling Women's Aid because you are effectively in an abusive family relationship, and so is your dd.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

User02 · 07/06/2017 00:21

It might be the time now to put in writing and send recorded delivery to Social Services Director at Local Authority that you have had Social Services out x number of times (if you could give dates it would go a long way), explain that DD who is a female child and you as a widowed woman alone with a violent young male and are often physically abused and it is also psychologically and emotionally abusive to live with this on a daily basis and that if anything happens to you and or DD your solicitor will be taking this much further.
The hand needs to be forced as is often the way with Social Services.

Lookforthelight · 07/06/2017 00:22

Aibu to rent out an aibnb nearby as a one off treat,she knows it would only be a one off because I can't even keep up with extra curricular fees or the weekly shop. just so she can have a sleepover

Sounds like you already told her tbh.

Italiangreyhound · 07/06/2017 00:25

User02 great advice.

Lookforthelight in the light of what the OP is suffering from what exactly is the point of that accusatory post? One can talk to kids about something that may happen without saying it will happen!

Boulshired · 07/06/2017 00:25

Have you gone down the route of reporting your DD to social services as a safeguarding issue? Have you got a paper trail? Sorry so many questions. When social services close your case follow up with an email describing all you have said here asking them to confirm that even though you DD is being physically abused there is nothing they can do and CC everyone you can think of.

User02 · 07/06/2017 00:26

This is not about the wording of a post here

This is about a woman and her DD who are being knocked about by a young male.

It is not acceptable for anyone to be causing this level of hardship in so many ways to other people

Italiangreyhound · 07/06/2017 00:28

You do not need to go down this route but if social services are failing you, and if money is tight and you need to protect your dd, gather all evidence, video, photographs, dates and times, whatever it is safe to do.

www.farleys.com/solicitors-for-you/abuse-claims/claims-against-social-services/

www.thesun.co.uk/news/2792516/boy-5-suing-social-workers-for-more-than-200000-after-they-failed-to-protect-him-from-his-violent-drug-addict-parents/

Colacolaaddict · 07/06/2017 00:28

Would you leave them unsupervised at the rented place? I think you'd struggle to book somewhere TBH, they'd be suspicious you were booking it for a drunken teenage party and wanting to save your own carpets!

My DC are younger so this is probably a really lame suggestion but could you and her sit down and write a list of things she wants to do but hasn't, then talk through how to make some of them happen? You say it's not just sleepovers but also concerts. What about meals out, films? Get them all down together and think about what you could manage, and how. If she can't have them to sleepovers can she take her "turn" in other ways? Can you make sure her room is nice even if the rest of the house goes to hell in a handcart?

However "real friends" are the ones who don't care if the wallpaper is hanging off.

Italiangreyhound · 07/06/2017 00:30

Boulshired "Have you gone down the route of reporting your DD to social services as a safeguarding issue?"

Just make sure that it is your son who is removed, rather than you daughter.

Your daughter may be better off in foster care but she may not and it would only be for a few years. Plus you would still be living with your abusive son.

zzzzz · 07/06/2017 00:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lookforthelight · 07/06/2017 00:47

Because I think if the DD was told and people talk the OP out of doing it then it's extremely unfair on her. Especially after what she's been put through already.

Italiangreyhound · 07/06/2017 00:51

zzzzz Children like to fit in, unless the dd's friends all live in similar circumstances I think she would be unlikely to want her friends to see the conditions she lives in. Plus would it be safe if her brother is around?

OP I am off to bed now, but wanted to say I hope you will find a way through this. It has been tough, you have tried so hard. I'd have one more go at getting him taken into temporary care/a home - but permanently. He cannot be your responsibility for life. No matter what has happened growing up without a dad and having a mum who is not really strict has not created this situation. There is something wrong in his abilities and CAMHS (probably) and social services (Definitely) have failed you. Plus the police have failed you too. But then you know that. Sad

Thanks
Italiangreyhound · 07/06/2017 00:52

Lookforthelight ah OK, sorry Blush I thought you were having a dig at the OP. I didn't realise. I definitely think the OP should do this for her dd. But I'd also be looking at a big push with social services and then paint the place once her son is safely elsewhere.

OlennasWimple · 07/06/2017 01:17

OP, go for it if you can find somewhere suitable that will take the booking.

Flowers
MrsOverTheRoad · 07/06/2017 01:44

Zzz sounds good on paper but in reality it could result in scornful comments.

"can you believe X invited us for a sleepover and her Mum made us redecorate!!"

Groupie123 · 07/06/2017 02:03

How old is your DS? I think at some point you'll have to decide between him and your dd - he clearly isn't coping at home and needs a unit.

MrsOverTheRoad · 07/06/2017 02:23

Groupie what's "a unit" though and in what magical world does OP have access to one when she can't even get a diagnoses for him!

Toysaurus · 07/06/2017 06:36

There's some really helpful school refusal pages on Facebook. People on there are really clued up about getting Sen support and the laws surrounding school refusal issues.

Support services are really letting you down. I've heard your type of story many times. Hope you can get some help somehow.

Original poster
Marieliala · 07/06/2017 06:59

Thank you . Just looking at some of the links and Information you've all posted.

OP posts:
Nousernameforme · 07/06/2017 07:21

I have a DS with asd so i am in contact mostly online with a lot of other parents of asd and adhd children. There has been a thing in recent weeks where some of them have tried CBD oil its a cannabis derivative but doesn't contain any active THC. It tastes foul apparently so some have mixed it with juice or put it in peppermint creams. So far it has made vast improvements in appetite sleeping fewer meltdowns increased concentration and no destructive behaviour.
You can get it in holland and barret www.hollandandbarrett.com/shop/product/jacob-hooy-cbd-oil-60008899. It is quite pricey but you only use a few drops per dose.

I know this is probably a weird reply and sounds like snake oil but I honestly have heard so many good things about it. Please consider it, it really sounds like it could help

Calyrical · 07/06/2017 07:24

Why did she have to stop her hobbies because of him?

Lallypopstick · 07/06/2017 07:31

Why do people assume camhs is always the answer? It's not a service for behavioural difficulties. The clue is in the name.

diddl · 07/06/2017 07:34

I don't think that there would be any point tbh-the "friends" aren't going to resume the sleepovers because she does it once, are they?