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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask what do with my silly sister?

225 replies

Onthedowns · 06/06/2017 22:02

My sister is just 22 married and pregnant with her DH within 18 months. She is youngest very spoilt and was a little bridezilla ish at times with wedding. I am oldest and often get things in the neck if I speak out about her behaviour. This concerns her unborn baby both her and her DH -28 are extremely controlling regarding food don't cook with any oil no carbs. Her wedding day she looked stunning but extremely thin. At 14 weeks pregnant she looked skeletal. Sje was told by midwife she was underweight. She went into premature labour at 26 weeks they managed to stop baby but was in hospital for a week. Baby measuring small and consultant said only reason she didn't give birth was baby wasn't big enough to press down. She went on a cruise then a week in France didn't tell hospital, almost like she blocked it all out. Whilst on holiday she had a pedometer and hardly ate anything salads no carbs etc. She went to consultant yesterday who told her she needs growth scan every week and monitoring twice a week. Baby is just over 3oz at 31+4. It's likely they will induce her as baby better off out than in. Baby unlikely to reach 5oz even full term. I know premature labour happens often for no reason- my son was born at 35 weeks and in scbu for 3. However no one seems to be able to get through to her sisters mum she needs to be eating for growth! She's more concerned over her appearance and her DH encourages it. I am so frustrated with her and don't know what to do! My mum hates the confrontation with her and just ignores it same with my dad. Me and my sister try but falls on deaf ears! I am angry with her DH for not realising the gravity of the situation and don't know whether she is plain stupid or naive ! Help please!

OP posts:
Original poster
Onthedowns · 07/06/2017 01:56

It's not my judgement it's fact but it might be relevant if she is being silly rather than having genuine issues with food

OP posts:
Original poster
Onthedowns · 07/06/2017 01:56

They are completely relevant to her health and situation also never more so

OP posts:
Smitff · 07/06/2017 02:40

Bandeau, you seem determined to want to believe that you know the OP's sister better than she does! Don't you think that OP is better placed to know if her sister is vain and spoilt, rather than suffering from an eating disorder, than you are?! Beggars belief.

If you have a MH drum to beat, you'd do better to be smarter about it than you are being on this thread. Raise it as a possibility in case the idea hasn't occurred to the OP in the 22 years she's known her sister. But then accept your own limitations, which, in this case, are that you haven't got a fucking clue who or what you're talking about.

[disclaimer: DO you actually know OP's sister?? Are you, in fact, OP's sister?!]

BandeauSally · 07/06/2017 02:56

Oh fgs. If you can't see that your opinion of your sister as spoilt and vain aren't facts then there is no point even trying with you.

BandeauSally · 07/06/2017 02:57

Saying that someone is 5'6" is a fact. Saying that they are vain is an opinion.

Smitff · 07/06/2017 03:27

Good grief Bandeau. You need to look up the definitions of fact and opinion. I'd also quit while you can. You're really not helping yourself.

Original poster
Onthedowns · 07/06/2017 04:30

I think I know my own sister but thanks bandeau

OP posts:
Squishedstrawberry4 · 07/06/2017 06:01

I'm not surprised you're so worried. Naturally any loving family member would be.

Yes you can phone professionals with your worries. People do and so it wouldn't be unusual.

Also I know a man who dated a person with control/eating issues and over a two year period he became more and more like her. Controlling around food, major weight loss, emotionally charged and extreame gym usage. He totally changed again on dating someone else and suddenly was balanced with food/fitness and far more approachable. I do think some vulnerable people can be greatly influenced by others.

HerSymphonyAndSong · 07/06/2017 06:14

Actually I think you should take on board the fact that your view of your sister as "silly and vain" (which may indeed be true) could be clouding your recognising that she might have significant mental health issues. You can also be silly, vain, stupid, naive and mentally ill all at the same time. I am an ex-anorexic and can recognise some of her behaviours. you may also not have had the full story from her re her pregnancy and medical issues (particularly if she thinks you might "go on" at her). One of the reasons why you don't get medical treatment from a family member is because their judgement of you and your needs is not as impartial as it should be. Equally you may notice things a doctor won't because you are her sibling. However, I do think that if you want to actually help, voicing to her your opinion of her being vain, silly, naive, whatever, won't get her to behave the way you want her to

Peachypie83 · 07/06/2017 06:31

3lbs at 30 weeks doesn't sound terribly small. My baby was born at 31weeks last month weighing 3lbs1oz and everybody at the NICU commented on what a good weight that was for his gestation.
I think that, whilst worrying for you as her family, there isn't much more you can do than trust that her Healthcare providers will be guiding her and monitoring her and ultimately acting in the best interest of the baby

Trifleorbust · 07/06/2017 06:35

I am with those posters who say it is her baby, her body, her choice. If you don't think she has a serious mental health condition, OP, the rest of this is hot air. She can do what she likes until someone sections her. Her midwife can't stop her travelling abroad or force her to eat.

Also, I don't think you sound like a concerned sister. Your language isn't very caring.

Westray · 07/06/2017 06:41

. Baby is just over 3oz at 31+4.

I don't believe that for one moment.

Trifleorbust · 07/06/2017 06:42

I wish my mum would be more stern

How can people not see this as infantilising? The only people entitled to be "stern" towards me are people in a position of authority over me. I am not a child, so that rules out my mum.

Petronius16 · 07/06/2017 06:45

You could ask her/him the reason for his beliefs about food. There's a guy in America - Esselstyn - who advocates no oils, carbs etc., on health grounds. Knowing the reason would be a good starting point.

Sunnymorningwithbacon · 07/06/2017 06:48

If your sister has placental insifficiency which you say she says the hcps looking after her have said, then it won't matter what she eats.

Original poster
Onthedowns · 07/06/2017 07:01

I don't tell her she is vain etc. But they both are. Silly was perhaps the wrong term to use. They haven't definitely said it's placenta issues just it might be. Taking into account her history the consultant was and is concerned and rightly so.

OP posts:
Original poster
Onthedowns · 07/06/2017 07:03

It's not infantising but if I was having issues etc i would perhaps want my parents to at least broach the subject? Stern is wrong term. But just because we are grown up i don't think parental responsibility stops

OP posts:
Sunnymorningwithbacon · 07/06/2017 07:04

What do you want to achieve? What do you want the HCP to do that they aren't already doing? They are monitoring her frequently and will take action when they deem it necessary.

do you trust them to do their job?

TheFirstMrsDV · 07/06/2017 07:05

OFGS you silly woman.
How on earth can you think a woman would starve herself and her unborn baby merely because she is vain?
The fact you think this is the reason rather than a serious ED show how much you dislike her.

I don't think you are the right person to help your sister. I think it would be better for her if you didn't get involved. Shaming and blaming someone with an ED is just going to make things worse.
If you are really concerned you will do the right thing.

Sunnymorningwithbacon · 07/06/2017 07:05

Parental responsibility stops once someone is a grown up. And if you keep on after someone is independent andmarried then it's interference.

There was a thread on here the other week where a mother (or mil I can't remember) had phoned a doc and raised concerns. It's funny how different the attitude was. I must see if I can find it.

Headofthehive55 · 07/06/2017 07:06

Looking at studies concentrating on women in Gambia it showed that babies conceived in the hungry months - where they ate a diet largely of green veg did a lot better than those conceived when the diet contained carbs like cous cous.

Bananamanfan · 07/06/2017 07:08

Op, i don't think your sister will turn to you for help, as you have no empathy for her at all. She is probably trying to hide things from you rather than turning to you. 22 & 28 is a big age gap (at that age), if the insecurity intensified when the relationship began, she will probably need some help in the future. Don't let sibling rivalry stop you from being there for her (if you want to be).

Headofthehive55 · 07/06/2017 07:09

Oh and our diet years ago wouldn't have contained carbs.

Westray · 07/06/2017 07:15

headofthehive- how do you work that one out?

And what do you mean "years ago"?

Even our distant ancestors would have eaten tubers, fruit, all of which contain carbohydrates.

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