To ask what do with my silly sister?

[Onthedowns]

My sister is just 22 married and pregnant with her DH within 18 months. She is youngest very spoilt and was a little bridezilla ish at times with wedding. I am oldest and often get things in the neck if I speak out about her behaviour. This concerns her unborn baby both her and her DH -28 are extremely controlling regarding food don't cook with any oil no carbs. Her wedding day she looked stunning but extremely thin. At 14 weeks pregnant she looked skeletal. Sje was told by midwife she was underweight. She went into premature labour at 26 weeks they managed to stop baby but was in hospital for a week. Baby measuring small and consultant said only reason she didn't give birth was baby wasn't big enough to press down. She went on a cruise then a week in France didn't tell hospital, almost like she blocked it all out. Whilst on holiday she had a pedometer and hardly ate anything salads no carbs etc. She went to consultant yesterday who told her she needs growth scan every week and monitoring twice a week. Baby is just over 3oz at 31+4. It's likely they will induce her as baby better off out than in. Baby unlikely to reach 5oz even full term. I know premature labour happens often for no reason- my son was born at 35 weeks and in scbu for 3. However no one seems to be able to get through to her sisters mum she needs to be eating for growth! She's more concerned over her appearance and her DH encourages it. I am so frustrated with her and don't know what to do! My mum hates the confrontation with her and just ignores it same with my dad. Me and my sister try but falls on deaf ears! I am angry with her DH for not realising the gravity of the situation and don't know whether she is plain stupid or naive ! Help please!

our diet years ago wouldn't have contained carbs? er how many years ago? If you are talking thousands of years ago then yes probably many many many babies died before term and adults didn't live very long either. what a ludicrous statement.

Their diet wouldn't have been as rich in carbs as it is now.

It sounds like she may well have an ED and her H too, and sounds like the relationship dynamic is probably toxic in addition. If this is the case it will affect her judgment and decisions.

By all means express concern to her GP about her possibly having an ED, but it's very hard for anyone to encourage adults with EDs to access what services there are if they don't think they need help.

One can be vain AND have an ED: I have known two friends like this. One is an adult with 2DC and IMO still has the ED.

And if she has placental insufficiency then it will make very little difference what she eats.
IT sounds like there is a blame game going on. When people say "be careful" often it means that if things go wrong then we can blame the mum for "not being careful" whereas there is possibly little your sister can do. But I expect you will scold her anyway.

Of course parental responsibilities end when someone is an adult. Unless your sister wants to accept advice from your mum, your mum has no role in instructing her.

Don't you think that OP is better placed to know if her sister is vain and spoilt, rather than suffering from an eating disorder, than you are?!

Often people who have strong preconceived ideas about what someone is like (the sister is "vain and silly") can't see that what's driving it is a mental health issue. There are some worrying things described here that shouldn't just be explained away as her being vain.

Getting "stern" with a grown adult doesn't usually have any positive effect in my experience, especially if you're telling someone with disordered eating to just start eating better.

OP, I'm concerned about how much of this thread is about your attitude rather than your question, which (sibling filters removed) is just "What can I do?". (Correct me if I'm wrong...)

My suggestion would be if you do contact her health providers, it should be in that spirit: "My concern is this, what can I do to help/support her?" They will have encountered this before and may have some suggestions about the kind of support you can provide specific to her situation. It seems extremely likely to me that they are already very well aware of what it going on and will have encouraged your sister to take more food on board but she is an adult, and sectioning a pregnant woman is a very extreme step. If she is suffering from anorexia, controlling her weight will be more or less the only thing that counts (she will probably very well know that her baby will take nutrition from her and survive) and lying to concerned friends and relations about the advice from medics will seem a necessity in order to remain in control, not a deception.

This really does scream anorexia or something similar. Vanity can become obsessive and then slide into a desperate need for control of appearance. Mental health disorders of all kinds are complicated and very difficult to resolve; they are also very often linked to (I did NOT say caused by) childhood and family in multiple and complicated ways that make it very difficult for family members to do more than just be there.

In your OP you do sound a bit exasperated by your sister, which is what PP have interpreted as you somehow not being properly concerned, or being unkind, or whatever. If I may, I'd suggest that the biggest favour you can do your sister is really take on board how unwell she is - bone up on eating disorders and you'll see what a horrible experience it is and how far removed from the simple vanity that sometimes starts it - and try to sit on your big-sisterly annoyance in your dealings with her. Loving and appreciating her for who she is (which doesn't seem to be the case of her husband, for example) in spite of her annoying behaviour is a particularly powerful way of helping someone in mental distress.

Look I do have empathy otherwise I wouldn't be worried I have other siblings in the same quandary. I keep having to explain my language is perhaps not appropriate but it's frustrating seeing your pregnant sister sit and nibble salad and that's it.How ridiculous to suggest your parenting stops when they are grown up? The consultant has told her to eat carbs she phoned me and other sister straight after to say they were going to get some. Comparing The Gambia is unrealistic?

Thanks Vigby makes great sense

Vegetables contain carbs, it is impossible not not eat carbs.

No doubt her diet sounds very restricted and I can see why you would be worried.
I feel this thread is going round in circles.
Report your concerns to her HCP while accepting that she is an adult and makes her own choices.
Of course you'll worry
I would be be more worried about her than the baby tbh - placental insufficiency has nothing to do with her diet and it sounds like how the baby will do is in the laps of the gods tbh.

You don't seem to be agreeing that she may well be ill with an ED, and therefore unable to comply with medical advice. Understandable to be very worried in the circumstances.

So she's doing what the hcp told her t do?

" she phoned me and other sister straight after to say they were going to get some."

And did they?

Both of mine were low birth weight-& it's not that I didn't eat enough.

With the 2nd-2.3kgs, I was having growth scans because they thought that the baby was going to be too big for me to give birth to!!

I agree that you could raise your concerns in a "what can I do way", but if she's not listening to consultants...

The consultant has told her to eat carbs she phoned me and other sister straight after to say they were going to get some.

So she is eating carbs and listening to her HCPs? Or not?

It's important to change your language towards and about your sister as a first step to doing anything OP. For your own understanding and for her sake.

Time and again posters have explained that diagnosing the problem as her being ''vain'' and ''silly'' is massively oversimplifying, missing the point and blocking the way to doing anything constructive. And yet you're still doing it and excusing it. ''My language is wrong but bla bla bla...'' Who's not listening now!?

She may well have an ed yes. From experience with her telling us what she has been doing and then the truth are two different things

I would actually be concerned as to how she is going to rear this baby in a healthy way tbh!
Is she likely to repeat existing obsessions re food (and looks) as this little one grows up and will she provide adequate nutrition etc?
Hopefully once the baby is born her priorities will change.
Also whilst it is true that no one can stop someone abusing a child in the womb in a way likely to cause harm (drugs etc) it is also true that social services can become involved pre birth and remove from parents care at birth so the medical professionals could involve ss if they wish to at this point if they are v concerned though hopefully it wont come to that.

I am completely listening to the posters who criticise constructively and offer sensible advice, especially the ones who have been ill have experience and understand how frustrating it is. But yes she is vain that isn't over simplifying she definitely has body issues and it appears on the surface eating issues.

She and is acknowledged by whole family is very spoilt youngest of 4

Wow, you sound like a lovely supportive family - not! So you have ganged up and pigeon holed her, belittle and consider her silly and then have the cheek to expect her to in any way want your help and concern. The best thing you can do for your sister is back off.

You are the one that sounds vain, silly and judgemental, wittering on about her figure at her wedding and how your parents had more money for her. Yet you just cannot see it. Astonishing.

I think she's got an ED and it appears on the surface as vanity.

Safer to assume/accept the above and try to help from that perspective.

I linked to a thread above where a family member did what you are proposing. Be aware it is unlikely to go down well with your sister.

Just stating facts! She admits herself she is spoilt!!

Funny how the post isn't about me but actually turns around to how bad I am for being worried

Goodness me. What a thread!

OP, I am sorry to read how this has gone and I hope you're not feeling too upset.

I am a midwife and I would like to make a few points.

There are many many women that do not eat, are underweight, have hyperemesis (severe morning sickness sometimes throughout the entirety of the pregnancy) and of course those women in developing countries who eat barely anything throughout their pregnancies but they deliver babies, albeit small, everyday.

Food intake is important and we advocate and encourage women to adopt healthy eating options. However, it's a woman's choice. Her choice. And many woman choose to eat unhealthy, smoke, drink and take drugs. As health care professionals, we can advise and make the best plan of care depending on their situation.

This sounds like a placental issue and the regular growth scans, liquor volume and dopplers (checking the function of the blood going through to the baby) will give a good indication on the plan of care for your sister. If the baby is growing then she continues to be managed conservatively (i.e. We do nothing but watch and wait) and if the baby does not thrive in utero then she will be induced early or be given a section so that he baby can be fed in special care.

Some of the information you have provided is slightly incorrect; for example, a baby doesn't dictate that premature labour will stop because it's too small to 'help push down'. If it happens then it happens. Although we can give drugs to try and stop it but it doesn't always work.

Unfortunately, with all of your concerns for your niece or nephew in regards to your sisters choices there really isn't anything you can do. Even speaking to the midwife of consultant isn't going to change things and as many others have said, the woman's rights come before the unborn child's as he/she has none while in utero. Plus I don't think it's entirely relevant if it's a placental issue anyway.

Good luck and i hope all goes well with the rest of her pregnancy. It's a good thing that she's being monitored so closely.

I work in a mental health team. We can and do listen to family members and carers concerns. They, after all, know them far better than we do. 99% of the time the family are acting out of genuine concern and in their best interest.

When my mum was alive but suffering from terminal cancer, I often spoke to her GP with concerns, though that was different as she knew I was contacting them.

The OP may have had an unfortunate choice of words but I think she has genuine concerns.

I think the weight think ie ozs instead of lbs is a genine error on the OPs part.

Ffs. The poor OP. Maybe had she said her dsis was smoking a pack a day she might have got some reasonable response.

As someone who suffered an ED around this age I'm pretty certain I wouldn't have willingly tried to get pregnant. Does your dsis want the baby?

I'm pretty certain too that her MW will have flagged this and they'll be keeping a keener eye on her nut as a lot of pp have pointed out there really isn't too much anyone can do.

You do sound like you care about your dsis. Calling in her vain and spoilt doesn't mean anything when your sister's. I used to call mine worse and I love her to bits!

Hope all turns out well OP