To ask what do with my silly sister?

[Onthedowns]

My sister is just 22 married and pregnant with her DH within 18 months. She is youngest very spoilt and was a little bridezilla ish at times with wedding. I am oldest and often get things in the neck if I speak out about her behaviour. This concerns her unborn baby both her and her DH -28 are extremely controlling regarding food don't cook with any oil no carbs. Her wedding day she looked stunning but extremely thin. At 14 weeks pregnant she looked skeletal. Sje was told by midwife she was underweight. She went into premature labour at 26 weeks they managed to stop baby but was in hospital for a week. Baby measuring small and consultant said only reason she didn't give birth was baby wasn't big enough to press down. She went on a cruise then a week in France didn't tell hospital, almost like she blocked it all out. Whilst on holiday she had a pedometer and hardly ate anything salads no carbs etc. She went to consultant yesterday who told her she needs growth scan every week and monitoring twice a week. Baby is just over 3oz at 31+4. It's likely they will induce her as baby better off out than in. Baby unlikely to reach 5oz even full term. I know premature labour happens often for no reason- my son was born at 35 weeks and in scbu for 3. However no one seems to be able to get through to her sisters mum she needs to be eating for growth! She's more concerned over her appearance and her DH encourages it. I am so frustrated with her and don't know what to do! My mum hates the confrontation with her and just ignores it same with my dad. Me and my sister try but falls on deaf ears! I am angry with her DH for not realising the gravity of the situation and don't know whether she is plain stupid or naive ! Help please!

Sunny, Twatty makes a very good suggestion and I think you'd be well advised to consider her advice.

+1 MrsPeely! Patronising my arse - I'm the eldest in my family and have always felt I had to 'look out' for my siblings, and I have done, I've been there for them any time they have needed me, which to me is just a decent family relationship. My sister's appendix burst when she was 20 weeks' pregnant and I was the one pounding on medical professionals' doors to get answers - she was seriously ill in intensive care.

And Bacon, this is not your MIL. I can't see the harm in a sister voicing her concerns - it's a tip off, no more, and up to her caregivers then to consider the situation. Maybe one day OP's sister will be glad she had someone who loved her enough to try to help her.

And MrsPeelyWally I think you would be well advised to stop making personal attacks on me.

I think there's a significant problem here. If she went into labour at 26 weeks, they managed to stop it and she spent a week in hospital, it's rather concerning that she then went on a cruise and on a holiday to France. It sounds like she doesn't fully realise what the situation is, and how precarious her condition could be.

She went to consultant yesterday who told her she needs growth scan every week and monitoring twice a week.

I'm a high-risk obs case and I only have a monitoring scan every fortnight. This level of ante-natal intervention seems very serious to me.

It sounds like there's some sort of denial going on, or some sort of odd expectations about her pregnancy.

OP be as supportive as you can, show yourself to be your sister's ally, make sure it is not all about the baby (I am sure it is not) and also is about her.

I know people who had babies early it does make a difference, it make it all harder.

I've known several people with eating disorders. It''s so tricky, can she get some counselling help on the NHS, I did, but she does need to recognise she needs help.

And MrsPeelyWally I think you would be well advised to stop making personal attacks on me

Please feel free to report any of my posts you feel are personal attacks.

It's interesting how the people vehemently defending the OP's sister come across. Makes it understandable why people daren't raise concerns with the OP's sister. Course it's a minefield and there's no simple answer. A person can be vain and silly as well as having MH issues or eating disorders. They aren't mutually exclusive. Each case is individual which why it's odd that people are taking such umbrage as though it's them being wrongfully accused.

OP it sounds like you're coming from a caring place and from what others here say, it might make sense to raise your concerns non-judgmentally with the professionals. They may not be able to have an impact but they'll at least be able to take it into account and you will at least know you tried.

Bottom line, this a grown woman who gets to decide what goes into her own body. She will be fully aware of the impact her diet has on her own health and that of her unborn baby. If you think she is being controlled by her husband to restrict her diet then that is a valid concern, if you think she has a mental illness then that is a valid concern (btw anorexia in pregnancy can be quite common due the loss of control over your own body- this will not be helped by people deciding they can control how you should eat) valid concerns should be passed into the relevant HCP. Judgy, patronising remarks about being vain, self obsessed, bridezilla, boob jobs and asking her mother to be more stern with her should be kept to yourself as they are entirely irrelevant to her health.

Sunnymorningwithbacon " Her sister is unlikely to appreciate interference." I know on the surface she may not like it but if she is having doubts about her own way of handling things, and her own dh's behavior, she may welcome her sister's concern.

Her sister will need to approach her very much as a concerned friend and relative, not the big sis who knows it all. Winning her over is your goal OP, IMHO.

Oh dear that escalated quickly!!

OP I think, if I were in your position I would have a word with your sisters MW or doc. It would be awful if there were complications later on for the baby and everyone was thinking "why didn't we say something".

Sunny, I'm sorry for what your MIL put you through but this is completely different, this is not a malicious allegation, this is genuine concern for family.

With regards the "silly, vain" comments etc. I don't think this was a verbal attack on her sisters mental health, I think this is a woman who cares for her family and is frustrated feeing her sister may be harming herself and the baby.

Why do all these threads start off with advice and degenerate into arguments between posters which is TBVH sad and missing the point of these whole forums?

The OP has raised a genuine concern. I think the OP is right in raising the concern and is even seeking and asking for advice prior.

I am sure that everyone agrees that the unborn baby is the most important thing....any disagreements???

Quite simply would you feel better to raise a concern and be wrong; or not and there was an awful outcome?

I personally would not like to have on my conscience the fact that I could have done something?

op, in all seriousness, what do you want the health professionals to do that they are not already doing?

What do you think you talking to them will achieve that isn't already being done ?

I am sure that everyone agrees that the unborn baby is the most important thing....any disagreements???

Total disagreement here.

Interesting that that comment was made by a man

I agree with Bandeau. The mother is the most important thing until the baby is born and to say anything else is forced birth territory.

Why is that interesting?? Why are you derailing this thread completely now?

Daddyof3 so the baby is the most important thing? What about the mother? This attitude towards mothers as mere vessels is horrible.

Perhaps interesting is the wrong word. not derailing, it seems to be the theme of the thread that this woman is secondary to her unborn child.

Jeez.............. and so it carries on between posters trying to make a point; I repeat; Quite simply is it better to raise a concern and be wrong; or not and there is an awful outcome?

That is the crux of the question is it not?

I'm sure OP is equally concerned for her sister

That is the crux of the question is it not?

Well you asked a very different question didn't you?

Yes you can contact your sister's health care providers with your concerns. Obviously they can't discuss her health conditions or treatment with you, or what they will do with your information, but they can certainly listen to your concerns.

She seems to have decided she doesn't want to gain any weight, in fact she is headed the other direction....not safe for her baby.

I think maybe an eating disorder, not sure what to advise you. It sounds worrying though.

Thanks for all your replies really helpful. The comments about vain spoilt etc are relevant as this is her mindset a lot if the time! She and is acknowledged by whole family is very spoilt youngest of 4 and parents in much better financial position when she was younger. My dad generally refuses to believe she does anything. Some of fhis was around before marriage.

Being vain and spoilt are irrelevant to her health. They're just your judgements of her. They aren't facts. If you genuinely want to get through to her then lose the judgement and stick to the facts.