To ask what do with my silly sister?

[Onthedowns]

My sister is just 22 married and pregnant with her DH within 18 months. She is youngest very spoilt and was a little bridezilla ish at times with wedding. I am oldest and often get things in the neck if I speak out about her behaviour. This concerns her unborn baby both her and her DH -28 are extremely controlling regarding food don't cook with any oil no carbs. Her wedding day she looked stunning but extremely thin. At 14 weeks pregnant she looked skeletal. Sje was told by midwife she was underweight. She went into premature labour at 26 weeks they managed to stop baby but was in hospital for a week. Baby measuring small and consultant said only reason she didn't give birth was baby wasn't big enough to press down. She went on a cruise then a week in France didn't tell hospital, almost like she blocked it all out. Whilst on holiday she had a pedometer and hardly ate anything salads no carbs etc. She went to consultant yesterday who told her she needs growth scan every week and monitoring twice a week. Baby is just over 3oz at 31+4. It's likely they will induce her as baby better off out than in. Baby unlikely to reach 5oz even full term. I know premature labour happens often for no reason- my son was born at 35 weeks and in scbu for 3. However no one seems to be able to get through to her sisters mum she needs to be eating for growth! She's more concerned over her appearance and her DH encourages it. I am so frustrated with her and don't know what to do! My mum hates the confrontation with her and just ignores it same with my dad. Me and my sister try but falls on deaf ears! I am angry with her DH for not realising the gravity of the situation and don't know whether she is plain stupid or naive ! Help please!

Sadly you can't do anything- it's her body and her baby. It sounds as though she is getting lots of medical support.

You can be concerned.
You can pass your concerns on to your sister's HCPs.

It does sound to me like she has a rather odd/disordered relationship to food and whether her marriage is a particularly mutually supportive, healthy one is hard to gauge from what your are saying.

Fwiw, provided a placenta is developing normally and functioning well a fetus will grow almost irrespective of the mother's diet/calorie intake. Women have babies under the most adverse of circumstances.
I presume the estimated weights your are quoting where pounds, not ounces? 3 lbs at 30 weeks is not terrible afaik and tbh scan estimates of baby weights can be quite far off the mark.

I think you need to consider what kind of a relationship you want to have with your sister (and your niece/nephew when they arrive) going forward: do you want to 'be right' at any cost, do you want to be the 'I know better' bigger sister, do you want to have a friendship accepting that she may well have different values than yours??

You can let her MW know about your concerns, but they cannot tell you anything about her.

Wrt travelling: of course she can travel when pregnant. I would not have occurred to me to speak to my consultant first.

I think you're coming from a place of worry for the unborn baby, rather than interfering in your sister's life unnecessarily. In your shoes, I wouldn't pay much heed to people telling you to stay out of it/ that it's none of your business (if your own sister's and nephew/niece's health isn't the business of well-meaning family, whose is it? The over-stretched and unpaid nhs staff's?? I suspect the very people telling you to mind your own business are they very people telling the government to stay out of their business too - good luck with that).

No, you can't speak to her consultant. That's a private relationship between doctor and patient. I know the "type" you are describing your sister and BIL to be. There's no getting through to people like that. And, honestly, if they are prepared to put their own vanity ahead of their child's health, that kid is in for a rocky road. I'd save your powder for down the road, as there's literally nothing you can do about it now.

This is really no different from women who smoke during pregnancy in a bid to have a smaller baby, or who lie about due dates (and anything else) to deliver even a week or two early to prevent that last bit of weight gain. It's not a new phenomenon.

There's nothing unethical about the OP making contact with the HCPs looking after her sister, Bandeau. It'd only be a problem if they contacted her without her sister's permission.

Well if her sister has any sense she won't divulge who her consultant or midwives are.

As I said, I know personally of a case where reporting MH concerns to a HV made a difference as the HV hadn't realised the seriousness of the situation. Reporting concerns is fine in my book - the professional can gauge what action to take.

The trouble with most of the advice given above? That your sister will continue down a very unhealthy path and no-one is allowed to say anything or do anything because it's 'none of their business' how she lives her life.

I've known someone die because no-one felt they could 'get involved' or ...heaven forbid... care.

Don't give up trying, Op. Even if she tells you to get stuffed, you need to try. Only those closest to the situation are in a position to know the right thing to do. That doesn't include a bunch of strangers on MN. Don't stop caring..

Generally speaking though the baby takes what it needs regardless of the mother's intake and I say this as someone who had hyperemesis and vomited pretty much anything that I ate and ended up two stone lighter at term than when I conceived (I was only 9st 4lb to start with).In fact in all my pregnancies I didn't gain any weight because of sickness yet the babies grew regardless (7lb to 7lb 15oz) It could well be that the placenta isn't functioning well rather than anything to do with your sister's diet.
As for the scan dsis was told that her baby wouldn't make 5lb (because she smokes) he was born weighing 9lb 14oz so either the measurements were wrong or he doubled his weight in less than three weeks.

Bandeau something about this thread is clearly pushing your buttons

something about this thread is clearly pushing your buttons

Yes well calling grown women with mental health issues, silly, stupid and naive was never going to win any friends was it?

I feel very sorry for you op as you are very concerned for the baby and not without reason. Why anyone is berating you for having an opinion on your sister travelling abroad after going into premature labour is beyond me. If it was just her health she was damaging then she can make any decision she wishes but she is actively harming her baby.

If she denied her baby food outside the womb then that would be child abuse. She has no right to harm her unborn baby and actually while I'm sorry she has an eating disorder, it is still totally unacceptable and horrendous.

BandeauSally your aggression is off the scale?! Why? What should the OP do? Nothing could well have grave consequences for child and mother.

My sister's husband reported concerns to midwives. This led to her hospitalisation. Their relationship wasn't great then & still isn't great now, despite further children.

I'd say he contributes to her poor mental health which in turn led to her eating disorder.

Might be different for you though.

I think because the scans etc during her premature labour were measuring very small and hardly any growth it's why they are concerned. They want to monitor her placenta twice weekly as they think this is poss failing now. Bandeau grow up everyone has offered constructive if sometimes critical advice. She isn't a healthcare professional - my other sister is. Yes actually if I am concerned for sisters wellbeing I will tell my parents it's what families do look out for each other. Growth vessel?? Really??

I am not entirely convinced she has a mental health disorder either bandeau you have assumed . I think she is very heavily influenced by others including her DH who don't have a good relationship with food? Maybe that is bog standard anorexia ? I did apologise for the use of words but when people are telling you time and time again eat look after yourself etc you narrowly miss having an extremely premature baby it's frustrating!

You can tell her midwife/doctor your concerns. They can't tell you anything back but will make as note of it and it may fill in some blanks. Might be worth asking that they don't reveal that you spoke to them.

Best of luck and well done for caring. Its exhausting worrying about someone and not being able to fix things.

I am not entirely convinced she has a mental health disorder either bandeau

So what exactly would you be reporting to the HCps and what would you expect them to do if it isn't a mental health issue? Anorexia is a mental health disorder btw. It isn't silly stupid or naive!

She has no right to harm her unborn baby

This is your opinion, but it's technically wrong in law. A baby in utero has no legal rights. A mother may smoke, drink, restrict calories, take drugs, make a myriad of choices 'against medical advice' and there isn't anything anyone can do about it.

The only exception to this is where a court deems a woman incapable of making her own decisions due to a lack of mental capacity.

I had anorexia during my first pregnancy (an Eating disorder I had suffered from for 15 years). Professionals who are not Eating Disorder specialists have very little understanding of the conditions and whilst there is vitriol from the public, I was repeatedly told that the baby will take what it needs and it's the mother's body that suffers.

I lost 3.5 stone in that pregnancy, my son was born a healthy weight.

But it is not a choice and she might well lack insight.

I suggest you contact Beat and develop your own understanding of Eating Disorders. This isn't going to be solved overnight and not during this pregnancy unfortunately. Depending where you live there might be a specialist ED team you could encourage your sister to seek referral to. But if she won't, the best thing you can do is develop your own understanding.

Your taking everything out of context I haven't said anything about 'reporting' her maybe she is a just a very naive 22 year old. She's very spoilt and can be vain maybe it's that that's more important than the baby?

Well, people with eating disorders are very frustrating, can seem vain and self obsessed with their weight but actually, they're ill. They're very ill. Anorexia has the highest mortality rate. I'd wager that most mentally healthy women wouldn't allow this to happen. I think she's ill.

She has disordered eating, her eating is not 'in order' - therefore she has some sort of eating disorder. Anorexia isn't just 'thinking you're fat' - it's all about control.

Or maybe she genuinely has an unhealthy relationship with food her DH encourages he certainly doesn't encourage her to eat I have seen first hand. He's the one about no oils no carbs et

Her baby can't be that small. 3oz isn't even 100g. And in Usero estimates aren't reliable even if you do mean 3lb and 5lb

You don't know all her medical information. And telling your mum on her makes you sound 12.

You'll have to step back and let her medical team handle it.

SO if she is just being vain what exactly do you want the HCPs to do about it? They can't say "your sister called and says put the mirror down and eat a burger" they can't make her less vain. She is already having quite involved contact with her healthcare team, all that needs to happen is happening. If there is a problem with the placenta they will find that out. Perhaps just let her handle her own healthcare needs.