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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask what do with my silly sister?

225 replies

Onthedowns · 06/06/2017 22:02

My sister is just 22 married and pregnant with her DH within 18 months. She is youngest very spoilt and was a little bridezilla ish at times with wedding. I am oldest and often get things in the neck if I speak out about her behaviour. This concerns her unborn baby both her and her DH -28 are extremely controlling regarding food don't cook with any oil no carbs. Her wedding day she looked stunning but extremely thin. At 14 weeks pregnant she looked skeletal. Sje was told by midwife she was underweight. She went into premature labour at 26 weeks they managed to stop baby but was in hospital for a week. Baby measuring small and consultant said only reason she didn't give birth was baby wasn't big enough to press down. She went on a cruise then a week in France didn't tell hospital, almost like she blocked it all out. Whilst on holiday she had a pedometer and hardly ate anything salads no carbs etc. She went to consultant yesterday who told her she needs growth scan every week and monitoring twice a week. Baby is just over 3oz at 31+4. It's likely they will induce her as baby better off out than in. Baby unlikely to reach 5oz even full term. I know premature labour happens often for no reason- my son was born at 35 weeks and in scbu for 3. However no one seems to be able to get through to her sisters mum she needs to be eating for growth! She's more concerned over her appearance and her DH encourages it. I am so frustrated with her and don't know what to do! My mum hates the confrontation with her and just ignores it same with my dad. Me and my sister try but falls on deaf ears! I am angry with her DH for not realising the gravity of the situation and don't know whether she is plain stupid or naive ! Help please!

OP posts:

nannybeach · 07/06/2017 08:20

You can contact midwife, consultant, they will not discuss your sisters care, or health with you, but I would put it in writing, e-mail or letter, keep a copy.I have nursed people with eating disorders, they can be very clever, of course the Hospital will be aware she is underweight, but she may well be telling them she is "naturally thin". What condition is her hairs skin, eyes. My DD who is a geniune size 0, eats a lot, plus chocolate, cakes,sweets, when she was pregnant, she was accused of dieting/having eating disorder, starving herslef. They only to look at the condition of her skin,hair and eyes to see how healthy she was. I can see you would be angry, would be the same anger you see a pregnant relatives smoking like a chimney. As for the cruise, all my babies were born prem, I was told to take things very easy, had to stay in Hospital on bed rest when I went into prem labour with my eldest DS. Did your sister actually want a baby? Has she always been controlling over her food?

SafeToCross · 07/06/2017 08:23

I have not rtft but yes you can absolutely ring gp and midwife to express your concerns - just say you want to share info and understand that they can't acknowledge it (they can't even confirm she is a patient). You won't get any feedback, but they may act on it. Share any undereating or obsessive exercise behaviour you have seen. They will, understandably, question your motives, but it might also help them see if there is a part of the picture they are not seeing. Sorry for the unborn baby.

Original poster

Onthedowns · 07/06/2017 08:33

Thanks paper doll the consultants words were that of the baby weighed more it would have been born he said that because baby small no weight on the cervix to help continue opening baby remains engaged. She was given magnesium to stop her contractions which worked after a second attempt. I appreciate what you say with regards to HG I suffered and didn't put weight on but wasn't underweight to start with. Her midwife also told her she was underweight at her appt at 26 weeks

OP posts:

BandeauSally · 07/06/2017 08:49

I think I know my own sister but thanks bandeau

No doubt that you do. That doesn't stop you from having opinions on her character.

Original poster

Onthedowns · 07/06/2017 08:53

Why would it stop me having opinions on my sister???? I am sure she has opinions on me?? I don't get it it sorry??

OP posts:

EpoxyResin · 07/06/2017 09:08

To be fair, vanity, selfishness, self-absorbtion, defensiveness and secrecy are all symptoms of an eating disorder - and yes, I'd know. So it's not unreasonable to describe any or all these things in someone and then say "oh hang on, that coupled with their apparent weight-issues and abnormal discipline with food makes me think maybe there's something going on here...". Mental health illnesses can and do have symptoms which exhibit through your personality. Anyone who tells you differently is wrong.

OP you can definitely flag it with her healthcare team. I probably would, although maybe anonymously. It's a lot to ask for them to have already put the jigsaw together themselves - they're very busy as we all know, and see a lot of women - so the insight may be useful in her care.

What's she like when you talk to her on a personal level?

Queenofthestress · 07/06/2017 09:15

I was underweight during my youngest pregnancy, as soon as I was told if I didn't weigh enough they would be getting her out as soon as they could I made sure I piled on as much weight as I could, the fact that she hasn't just screams at me that it's more than likely an ED

BandeauSally · 07/06/2017 09:20

Today 08:53 Onthedowns

I don't get it it sorry??

I know you don't, unfortunately.

I'm trying to think of a way to explain to you that your judgement of her as vain is an opinion. Despite knowing her all her life and loving her etc, it's still possible to form opinions on her that are your opinion rather than facts. Now it may be the case that everyone shares the same opinion that she is vain and spoilt, it may be that your parents have perpetuated that opinion so that the rest of you have just accepted it as fact (sounds like it tbh), it may be that I would even agree with you if I met her that I thought she was vain and spoilt. But that doesn't make it a fact. It's an opinion. And right now it is an irrelevant opinion. It isn't relevant to the conversation if you expect your sister to be receptive to your concerns. Drop the opinions regarding vanity and being spoilt and stick to facts. Facts are things like "your baby is measuring small" "your weight has fallen by X pounds in pregnancy" "you have been advised by your consultant to eat more carbs" and then follow it with "all of which lead me to be quite concerned about you, I think you should speak to your midwife about your diet"

Original poster

Onthedowns · 07/06/2017 09:29

I haven't told her she is vain and spoilt etc etc not to her face as it's obviously not helpful!!

OP posts:

BandeauSally · 07/06/2017 09:30

Glad to hear it! Someone has though for her to agree with it!

Original poster

Onthedowns · 07/06/2017 09:31

And I haven't perpetuated an opinion itstruth felt by other siblings she is spoilt monetary and other ways because she throws tantrums my parents avoid any confrontation with her that's fact and it's been said . Not sure why your so hung up on that more than anything else

OP posts:

MidsummerMoo · 07/06/2017 09:37

Opinions of vanity etc. aside, has a medical professional actually stated to your sister that she is at risk of/will have a planned premature birth and that she needs to eat more to give the baby the best start?

Original poster

Onthedowns · 07/06/2017 09:39

Yes the consultant has told her she needs to put in as much weight as possible if not the baby will likely be delivered in a couple of weeks as growth better outside than in

OP posts:

Original poster

Onthedowns · 07/06/2017 09:40

She's already been in premature labour at just over 26 weeks

OP posts:

NotHotDogMum · 07/06/2017 09:40

I can't believe the OP is being criticised for her valid concerns about her sister and new baby's health.

MN can be so weird sometimes.

QuiteLikely5 · 07/06/2017 09:46

The child could be born with disabilities if born this early!

Does she know that? Developmental delay for a start - send her some links.

Eurghh she should not be prioritising her own needs above her child - I am surprised that SS have not been informed about this unless of course your dsis is lying to the health agencies that she is eating lots etc

MidsummerMoo · 07/06/2017 09:47

Agree NOtHotDog. If a doctor tells a relative to do X to avoid bad situation becoming worse, surely you are right to be concerned if relative doesn't do X?

OP, you might be a bit more emotionally invested having had early baby on SCBU, but actually surprised that sister isn't therefore a bit more concerned and wanting to do the best.

BandeauSally · 07/06/2017 09:47

Not sure why your so hung up on that more than anything else

Because you're so hung up on your opinion being fact when it isn't.

Original poster

Onthedowns · 07/06/2017 10:05

But it is fact!!!!!! Her being spoilt is fact you don't know me or my family or what's happened or how we have arrived st this fact

OP posts:

BandeauSally · 07/06/2017 10:14

No it isn't!

Saying she is 5'6" is a fact, you can state it and have it confirmed, there is no judgement in that statement.

Saying her year 3 teacher was mrs brown is a fact, it can be confirmed. There is no judgement in that statement.

Saying she weighs 56kgs is a fact that can be confirmed. There is no judgement in stating that fact.

Saying her blood type is O is a fact that can be confirmed. There is no judgment in that statement.

Saying she is spoilt is not a fact. You cannot measure it or confirm it against any scale, it carries judgement based on your own personal opinion of behaviours and how people should conduct themselves. Lots of people may agree with you, they will all be sharing your opinion, not confirming a fact.

Edenrose206 · 07/06/2017 10:18

OP, I'm really sorry that you're getting so much criticism on your thread. You sound like a caring, loving big sister who is understandably worried about her little sister AND her sister's unborn baby. I think the description of her as "vain" and "silly" just highlights your frustration with her choices. I shudder to think what might have happened if she'd gone into labour at 26/27 weeks on a cruise ship... If she has placental insufficiency, her calorie intake won't much help the baby because it isn't getting enough nutrients and oxygen coming through anyway. Fetal growth restriction is scary (and serious). Hence the LO may well be "better out than in." But a calorie-restricted diet certainly won't help, that's for sure! It might just compound the problem. There's a super book called "Origins: How the 9 months before birth shape the rest of our lives" and it's fascinating. A mother's body literally signals a fetus to prepare for conditions in the outside world. Famine? Don't grow too quickly, LO... and babies enduring famine, in utero, will be at higher risk of major health issues for the whole of their lives. You are right to be worried... but try to be gentle and loving with your sister. She may angrily resist anything she perceives as criticism. And, if you can, alert her MW privately that you think your dear sister may be restricting calories. I suspect they know... I really hope that your sister's LO is born healthy. I had a HR pregnancy, lost one twin, and was on the weekly scan schedule due to suspected placental insufficiency, but my surviving baba was born healthy. Best wishes to you...and your sister. She may really need you in the months ahead.

Zaphodsotherhead · 07/06/2017 10:25

I'm another one not sure of the connection between maternal calories in and size/weight of baby. Surely placental effectiveness isn't related to weight - although may be related to general health...

DD1 was born at 42 weeks, I was the size of a house, but she weighed only 5lb 2oz, due to placental falure/restricted growth. I was and am healthy with no ED. All other children born at over 7lbs.

So might this be a case not of cause and effect but of someone seeing something (DSis food controlling) and equating it to something unconnected?

pottered · 07/06/2017 10:40

I think these types of things are for professionals to decide. It's clear - you have justifiable concerns, share them with her mw and they can decide appropriate action.

Haffiana · 07/06/2017 10:48

Not really sure what the issue is here. Lots of people are vain. Lots of people are spoilt. Lots of people eat the wrong things for their health and their unborn baby's health. Lots of people are more concerned about their looks than their children. Some smoke, some take drugs etc etc. Some need more support than others.

So, OP thinks that DSis should be behaving in a different way. So it is simple - tell your sister what you think. Then, when she disagrees with you, accept that she has the right to do as she thinks best. Then, if you love your sister support her in HER choices as best you can. If you can't get over someone having a different opinion and want to get angry with her instead - then that is YOUR choice.

Original poster

Onthedowns · 07/06/2017 12:12

Thanks it's not more than difference of opinion when she doesn't eat well!!

OP posts:

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