To ask what do with my silly sister?

[Onthedowns]

My sister is just 22 married and pregnant with her DH within 18 months. She is youngest very spoilt and was a little bridezilla ish at times with wedding. I am oldest and often get things in the neck if I speak out about her behaviour. This concerns her unborn baby both her and her DH -28 are extremely controlling regarding food don't cook with any oil no carbs. Her wedding day she looked stunning but extremely thin. At 14 weeks pregnant she looked skeletal. Sje was told by midwife she was underweight. She went into premature labour at 26 weeks they managed to stop baby but was in hospital for a week. Baby measuring small and consultant said only reason she didn't give birth was baby wasn't big enough to press down. She went on a cruise then a week in France didn't tell hospital, almost like she blocked it all out. Whilst on holiday she had a pedometer and hardly ate anything salads no carbs etc. She went to consultant yesterday who told her she needs growth scan every week and monitoring twice a week. Baby is just over 3oz at 31+4. It's likely they will induce her as baby better off out than in. Baby unlikely to reach 5oz even full term. I know premature labour happens often for no reason- my son was born at 35 weeks and in scbu for 3. However no one seems to be able to get through to her sisters mum she needs to be eating for growth! She's more concerned over her appearance and her DH encourages it. I am so frustrated with her and don't know what to do! My mum hates the confrontation with her and just ignores it same with my dad. Me and my sister try but falls on deaf ears! I am angry with her DH for not realising the gravity of the situation and don't know whether she is plain stupid or naive ! Help please!

From what you are writing there are concerning features relating to her placental function which can be very dangerous to the baby and would explain poor growth/weight gain; nothing to do with her diet.

Yes, voice your concerns, but be careful how critical/judgemental you sound. To me it appears that your sister is very much enmeshed in some weird, dysfunctional universe that I would struggle to remain a neutral bystander too just like you do. BUT - she is an adult and provided she has capacity and is not mentally ill she is allowed to make poor choices for herself.

You seem to be getting a hard time off some people here when you are only showing concern for your sister and baby. Why are people assuming she is anorexic or has mental health issues? You sound like a nice sister to have x

Jesus Bandeau, I wonder what your back story is?

OP, you are right to be concerned and if you can find someone such as a health visitor to express your concerns to I think you should.

What an awful situation for all concerned.

And telling your mum on her makes you sound 12

No it doesn't. It makes her sound like a sister in the real world. Not the MN one.

Bandeau I totally and utterly disagree with you. I'm sorry to say but you are an idiot.

This girl has gone into premature labour and then fucked off on a cruise and to France with no consideration apparently given to what might happen if she went into labour again. Most mums to be wouldn't have gone away for fear of what might happen. Most mums to be take care of themselves and eat well so that the baby has the best possible nutrition.

I think OP you are a caring and concerned big sister (we big sisters do feel 'responsible' don't we?!) and I would absolutely contact her maternity care-givers. They won't be able to discuss her with you but they can listen to your feedback. Just don't tell a soul you've said anything!

I was always told anyway that babies are basically 'parasites' and they take the best of the mum's nutrition, so hopefully baby will be ok. She's either ill or silly; I don't know and certainly Bandeau doesn't!!

Hope everything goes well x

By all the fucks in creation if my family member with no knowledge of my actual medical conditions went off getting to health visitor or social services because I wasn't gaining weight in pregnancy as they thought I should be I'd go postal on their ass. And by fuck would I see the interfering midden again.

Totally crossing a boundary when your sister has capacity. Otherwise, what's your stance on abortion for example. To do what you're doing smacks of foetus first mother second. Nope. I have complete autonomy over my own body the foetus has no rights until its born no has separate life to me.

Surely she can't eat no fat and no carbs. What's left? Quorn and leaves? I can't think of anything else with no fat and no carbs.

I would honestly be shocked if she delivered a 5oz baby at full term. I'm not sure that is possible.

You can contact her midwife and express your concern. Her midwife won't be able to tell you anything about your sister, but can listen to your concerns.

My DF has health problems (mental and physical) he denies, and other family members sometimes contact his GP to alert them to issues. The GP then tactfully suggests something, without letting DF know the GP was alerted.

Sounds to me like a potential mental health/anorexia type illness. It can be triggered during pregnancy. I think she needs your sympathy and support.

Jesus way to infantalise her. "We big sisters"

Do you realise how patronising you sound?

My sister has been very open with regards to her care with everyone we visited when transferred to a hospital 70 miles away when in labour. So I am not telling on her but I wish my mum would be more stern with her she pussyfoot around her as she has s temper. This came out during wedding planning. The midwife and neonatal specialist have both said baby is small consistently on numerous scans and tests and they are concerned , and she has told us they have asked regarding what she eats. I did say earlier it might not be weight related but you are more at risk of prem labour if underweight.

How much of this behaviour predates her being with her DH? I'm wondering if they were both slaves to Ana before meeting or whether he's pushed her down this route when there have been no signs previously. Her H is a fair bit older than she is and my concern here would be that there's an unhealthy abusive dynamic to this relationship - unhealthy for your sister's mental health, in the first place, but not unhealthy to her unborn child. It wouldn't surprise me if he's constantly whispering in her ear about not "failing" by gaining any baby weight. All to the detriment of their unborn child.

Sadly, it's not unusual for relationships with an age gap to have an imbalance of power and control. While 6 years might not have been much of an age gap to couples in their 30s or older, it's an enormous one when one of them is still in their teens.

Bandeau why are you being so aggressive and unhelpful?

The OP has realised that her initial post was not very sensitive, and she is clearly worried about her sister.

now unhealthy, not not uhealthy! Unfortunate typo!

Jesus way to infantalise her. "We big sisters"

Do you realise how patronising you sound?

and you sound like my big fat arse - full of hot air.

When I was pregnant with my daughter I had all kinds of problems.

I lost weight. I couldn't eat. I had hyperemesis and was in and out of hospital. She had issues not related to my sickness and was delivered early. Predicted to weight 3.5 lb but weighed most 5.

Seriously she is attending the hospital appointments. They are aware. Unless you have seen her full medical history?

Have you any idea what it's like to have a family member make unfounded allegations to hcp based on nothing? I do. And I can tell,you THAT did die to my MH

Onthedowns this is AIBU and people are always aggressive! It goes with terrrotory!

This is what worries me.... "It's likely they will induce her as baby better off out than in."

If her baby is born early, really early, they could have all kinds of health issues which might follow them around for life.

Your sister sounds either massively self absorbed, or massively controlled by her husband, or like she has anorexia, or maybe some other eating disorder or mental health issues. Bu i am not a professional!

I would speak to professionals, although IMHO your sister may not appreciate it, she is putting herself and her baby at risk.

BandeauSally "She isn't a baby vessel with the sole purpose of producing a nephew or niece for you."

What a ridiculous statement, I don't think the OP has suggested this for one minute!

As others have said, the baby takes its nutrients first. In cases such as hyperemesis the mother loses a lot of weight, is unable to eat or drink at all sometimes, having to live off drips and tubes. It's utterly grim but they keep reassuring you that the baby will be fine, it's the mother who suffers.

Have you any idea what it's like to have a family member make unfounded allegations to hcp based on nothing? I do. And I can tell,you THAT did die to my MH

My mother died in our local psychiatric hospital having spent the last months of her life sectioned. My son is severely disabled and has the most awful of mental health problems and learning difficulties. Some people need the intervention of a loving family and just because you dont think any intervention from your family was warranted doesn't mean to say it wasn't.

Sunnymorningwithbacon I think the OP has her sisters best interests at heart. I am sure it is hard when others interfere but surely it does matter where their heart is, and I think the OP is expressing concern.

EXCUSE ME?

YOu have absolutely NO basis for inferring that the complaints about me made by my ex mil to a Heath visitor and social services were warranted.

The fact that social services don't even bother to investigate now when she complains again tells me her intervention wasn't warranted.

The fact is that I am not and never have been a drug user nor an alcoholic. Nor a prostitute running a brothel. Nor starving her grandchild. Nor any of the many many other ridiculous allegations the evil witch makes up to make my life difficult.

Op you need to switch from thinking of your sister as being vain and silly. Everything you've said about her points to a woman who is quite unwell. I'd be worried about her DH too. Either he also has an eating disorder and they are co-dependent or he is abusing her via her eating disorder. I honestly don't know what you should do next but I think you should approach it from the position of being concerned about your sister's health.

MrsPeelyWally your accusations and titled to me are appalling. The inference in your last post that my ex mil somehow had my best interests at heart and that her allegations had foundation is completely and utterly out of order.

And I don't appreciate the personal attack you made ether.

Sunny you are massively projecting here and derailing the thread. If you need to talk about this maybe start your own thread? The OP clearly has valid concerns

MrsPeelyWally made an unfounded allegation which I countered with evidence.

The op either trusts her sisters healthcare giver or she doesn't. And if she doesn't, what can she do? Her sister is unlikely to appreciate interference.