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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask what do with my silly sister?

225 replies

Onthedowns · 06/06/2017 22:02

My sister is just 22 married and pregnant with her DH within 18 months. She is youngest very spoilt and was a little bridezilla ish at times with wedding. I am oldest and often get things in the neck if I speak out about her behaviour. This concerns her unborn baby both her and her DH -28 are extremely controlling regarding food don't cook with any oil no carbs. Her wedding day she looked stunning but extremely thin. At 14 weeks pregnant she looked skeletal. Sje was told by midwife she was underweight. She went into premature labour at 26 weeks they managed to stop baby but was in hospital for a week. Baby measuring small and consultant said only reason she didn't give birth was baby wasn't big enough to press down. She went on a cruise then a week in France didn't tell hospital, almost like she blocked it all out. Whilst on holiday she had a pedometer and hardly ate anything salads no carbs etc. She went to consultant yesterday who told her she needs growth scan every week and monitoring twice a week. Baby is just over 3oz at 31+4. It's likely they will induce her as baby better off out than in. Baby unlikely to reach 5oz even full term. I know premature labour happens often for no reason- my son was born at 35 weeks and in scbu for 3. However no one seems to be able to get through to her sisters mum she needs to be eating for growth! She's more concerned over her appearance and her DH encourages it. I am so frustrated with her and don't know what to do! My mum hates the confrontation with her and just ignores it same with my dad. Me and my sister try but falls on deaf ears! I am angry with her DH for not realising the gravity of the situation and don't know whether she is plain stupid or naive ! Help please!

OP posts:
Mulch · 06/06/2017 22:06

Sorry I've no helpful advice to offer just wanted to bump up your thread in the hopes someone with abit of wisdom to come along and make a suggestion.

Mistletoekids · 06/06/2017 22:09

Have they referred her to mental health team? Most obstetric units offer joint input . From the sounds of it she is anorexic and will also be at high risk of post partum depression
Perhaps call the team she is under to raise your concerns ?

mrsmalcolmreynolds · 06/06/2017 22:10

Surely you mean 3lb and 5lb at term rather than ouncesConfused

ChildishGambino · 06/06/2017 22:10

That sounds awful. Have you tried to discuss it directly with her and explain how worried you are about her and the baby?

TeaStory · 06/06/2017 22:11

She doesn't sound "silly", "stupid" or "naive". She sounds very ill, with some kind of eating disorder (probably anorexia or orthorexia). Her DH may also be battling the same.

If you can see it that way, rather than as "stupid" you might get somewhere with helping her.

BandeauSally · 06/06/2017 22:14

She went on a cruise then a week in France didn't tell hospital,

She is a grown adult woman, she doesn't have to tell the hospital anything. Hmm

She sounds like she may have an eating disorder. That would mean a mental health illness. Please stop referring to her as silly, stupid and naive.

Biscusting · 06/06/2017 22:16

I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't think she sees the problem if you know what I mean. She probably doesn't even know she's hungry and things when she is eating, that she's eating loads.

Original poster
Onthedowns · 06/06/2017 22:19

I would have asked consultant advice regarding travelling . I don't think it's necessarily an eating disorder? They are both very vain? Lots of selfies very flashy etc. She has had a boob job. Which her DH paid for. He isn't thin but very controlling about his food etc. Maybe I used the incorrect choice of words but it's what springs to mind when she refuses to see what she is doing to her self and baby. I guess I am frustrated also that my mum doesn't address the issue. I have talked to her she says she eats but she doesn't it's picking them picking on rubbish.

OP posts:
Original poster
Onthedowns · 06/06/2017 22:21

Thanks biscusting I think your right.

OP posts:
TheHobbitMum · 06/06/2017 22:21

Your poor sister, she is obviously unwell. And suffering an eating disorder. Hopefully her obstetric team will refer her for the help she needs. Can you read up in eating disorders so you have some guidance on how best to help her? I seriously doubt badgering her or having confrontation will encourage her to eat more Sad

BandeauSally · 06/06/2017 22:22

I would have asked consultant advice regarding travelling

Would you? And what if someone else who wasn't you thought that was the wrong thing to do?

Original poster
Onthedowns · 06/06/2017 22:23

As far as I am aware they haven't referred her to mental health. Although I think they have told her she needs to eat with the best will in the world resources are streched aren't they. My sister is a nurse and she says the baby will probably be induced so that they can speed growth properly. Even when she was in premature labour it didn't click with them the gravity of having such a tiny and possibly unwell baby

OP posts:
Topuptheglass · 06/06/2017 22:23

My eldest sister had an eating disorder I'm her first pregnancy (it was there prior to that, not a new thing)

She went through the same thing. Her ds was born at 32 weeks weighing 3lb.

He's 16 soon & has had a lot of developmental delays.

Sister still has an eating disorder (& several more children)

I'm not sure there's much you can do if (like mine) your sister denies any problems.

pottered · 06/06/2017 22:24

I'm not sure what you can do - surely it's obvious to the professionals involved with her that she has an eating disorder? It's sad for her and the baby. Can you ring and speak to her midwife in confidence about your concerns?

I don't think you can do much more, sadly. I remember when people used to tell me to eat I interpreted it as an attack - professional help is needed and all you can do is make sure she's getting that and ask them if there is anything the family can usefully do.

Original poster
Onthedowns · 06/06/2017 22:25

Sorry bandeau don't get your point. Having just had my baby being stopped from being delivered and the baby is still engaged. I would definitely asked regarding travelling knowing it could start again at any point.

OP posts:
Original poster
Onthedowns · 06/06/2017 22:26

Am I allowed to contact health professionals on her behalf? Isn't it confidential? X

OP posts:
BandeauSally · 06/06/2017 22:28

Sorry bandeau don't get your point

My point being it's irrelevant what you would have done because it's not your pregnancy or your life. It's hers. What if someone had said you were doing the wrong thing asking the consultant?

Am I allowed to contact health professionals on her behalf?

Are you fuck!! Angry

pottered · 06/06/2017 22:29

I don't think you are contacting them on her behalf - if I had concerns about a sibling's health I'd ring. I know people who have done similar to flag where MH help is needed to HVs and it has helped, I can't see calling the MW is any different.

Original poster
Onthedowns · 06/06/2017 22:33

Sorry for being concerned about my sister and niece or nephew. I take it that you wouldn't give a damn if it was your family?

OP posts:
Notalotterywinner · 06/06/2017 22:33

You have my sympathy, It's really frustrating isn't it? My Dsis was anorexic and had her first at 32 weeks. Everyone on here will berate you you for not understanding eating disorders but you know and love your DSIs not the eating disorder. The eating disorder is maddening, you know she wants the baby but she is basically self harming herself and possibly causing harm to the baby.

My advice would be to try to contact the midwife team looking after her, my dsis would literally scream denial of a problem and believe it. However a medically trained stern person seemed to make a dent. maybe you need a strong character midwife to intervene?

Original poster
Onthedowns · 06/06/2017 22:33

not sure why your so aggressive either

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 06/06/2017 22:35

Why not contact www.b-eat.co.uk/ to see if they can give you some advice?

pottered · 06/06/2017 22:35

Having had an eating disorder and then had dc later on I can see it from both sides - forcing help on anyone with a mental illness that hasn't realised they need help will get an aggressive response.

I'd be angry too - it makes me sad to think of the long term effects on the baby, but you can't fix this, all you can do is try and get her professional help.

BandeauSally · 06/06/2017 22:37

Concern is one thing. Referring to a grown adult as silly, stupid and naive for what looks to be an eating disorder and considering interfering with their personal health care is a totally other thing. Your sister is an adult. She is seeing healthcare professionals, she is A healthcare professional, she has managed to reach adulthood, find a partner and get married, presumably maintain a job and run a home and navigate her way round Europe. She doesn't need you tattling to mother on her. She is capable of making her own decisions regarding her own body, pregnancy and diet. She isn't a baby vessel with the sole purpose of producing a nephew or niece for you.

missyB1 · 06/06/2017 22:37

Often where mental health issues are concerned it is down to the family to raise concerns and ask for help. Are her ante natal team aware of her eating habits? They know she's underweight but do they know it's deliberate? I would attempt to raise your concerns with her midwife if possible for your sisters sake but also for the baby. Sounds like she's in a strange relationship too.

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