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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DH too overprotective of DD (14)?

419 replies

suri80 · 03/06/2017 21:15

Eldest DD (14) has currently barricaded herself into her room because DH will not allow her to go to a "hang out" at her friend's house. The friend is a boy from her school who we don't really know and apparently his parents are away. I tried to compromise by suggesting to DH he could collect her at 10pm if he was worried, but it turned into a huge argument between him and DD and now he won't allow her to go at all. He says it's because this boy has an older brother and no doubt there will be older boys there, alcohol and probably drugs Confused He says he trusts DD, but she is too young for all this. Now he has stormed off to help his brother with something.
AIBU to think she could have gone for a while and DH is being over the top here? Or is 14 too young as he says? I'm not sure what to think anymore.

OP posts:
sunshineintheclouds · 03/06/2017 21:16

No adults there? No way

coconutpie · 03/06/2017 21:19

No adults and you're sending a 14yo to a boy's house?? No way.

coralush · 03/06/2017 21:21

Hmmm I wouldn't let my daughter go when she gets to 14, much too young. She might have barricaded herself in her room, that would be fine with me! At least I would know she is safe.

PeaFaceMcgee · 03/06/2017 21:21

Agree with DH

Original poster
suri80 · 03/06/2017 21:22

Apparently nearly all of her class have been there since about 5pm and it's "not a party".

OP posts:
TheBogQueen · 03/06/2017 21:22

He is right.

NapQueen · 03/06/2017 21:22

No adults, no permission.

shinyredbus · 03/06/2017 21:23

Confused I think your DH is right - no adults and an older brother? No chance. Sorry OP - yabu.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 03/06/2017 21:24

What happens at this time of night that wouldn't happen in an empty house if they were walking home from school, if they were so inclined?

He says it's because this boy has an older brother and no doubt there will be older boys there, alcohol and probably drugs

Your husband really shouldn't judge other people by his own poor standards.

PeaFaceMcgee · 03/06/2017 21:27

On the other hand, if you have a good relationship with her, you trust her to be sensible and are confident that she won't indulge in anything unsafe or illegal, and would call you if she feels out of her depth, then I may have let her go for a few hours.

Original poster
suri80 · 03/06/2017 21:29

She is adamant the older boys won't be there and it's just for her group from her class and a few others in other classes from her year. I've had most of them round here, though obviously when I've been home. I don't think they would be interested in drinking at all. Definitely not drugs. Am I too naive here?

OP posts:
margaritasbythesea · 03/06/2017 21:29

I wouldn't let my dd's go.

BeepBeepMOVE · 03/06/2017 21:31

I would let her go. It's probably a lot tamer than he's imagining.

Why does his decision trump yours?

BeepBeepMOVE · 03/06/2017 21:32

Also she's clearly upset from FOMO. Fear of missing out. I had this all the time as a teenager. Everyone will be talking about this and that that happened and she'll feel left out.

LittleBeautyBelle · 03/06/2017 21:32

Your dh is 100% right. You should take his words to heart.

No parents? You don't know him? His older brother is there, how old is he. No supervision and even if there were, you don't them at all.

She's 14. Absolutely not. Sometimes you have to say "no."

Original poster
suri80 · 03/06/2017 21:34

What age do they start doing this kind of thing?
She travels to school by tube every day as most of them do. DH is ok with that, but it's the hanging out with boys that sets him off. They wanted to go rowing on the Seroentine a few weeks ago in the afternoon and we had the same thing because he thought it was some kind of "date", even though it was a group going.

OP posts:
StillDrivingMeBonkers · 03/06/2017 21:35

You have no idea if the older brother is in.

Let me tell you - none of my children would mix or socialise with each other or each other friends. They are very close in age. But there is no cross over whatsoever. If one were having friends round, the others would keep well out of the way.

Deirdresbelts · 03/06/2017 21:35

I would let her go so I think YANBU.

fedupstressedout · 03/06/2017 21:35

No parents, no way.

It's hard to be the one that misses out, and equally hard to be the parent who says no. Especially when apparently everyone else is allowed-been there, have the badge.

tillytown · 03/06/2017 21:35

I would have let her go, your husband clearly doesn't trust your daughter.

Funnyfarmer · 03/06/2017 21:35

Wouldn't let my dd go at 14.
Your dh is right to assume older boys, drink and drugs.
What eles will they be doing? Playing scrabble.
For generations teenagers have took advantage of empty house for that kind of thing.
For me it wouldn't make no difference if it was a boys house or a girls.
If your dd is invited and doesn't really know them. Imagine how many other people are invited.
Your dd's right though it's not a party. It's a gathering. Party's in today's teenagers terms invoke jelly and ice cream and musical chairs.
Gatherings invole several people drinking and bring roundy.

Deirdresbelts · 03/06/2017 21:36

Good point raised by Bonkers there.

alltouchedout · 03/06/2017 21:37

Not without adults.
At your dd's age I'd have known I wouldn't be allowed and would have lied about where I was going. At least you can be glad she isn't doing that!

furryelephant · 03/06/2017 21:38

I said similar to my parents at 14. 99% sure that it either IS a party, or something would happen being your DD and the boy whether there's an older brother or not

Original poster
suri80 · 03/06/2017 21:38

She says the elder brother and his friends will have nothing to do with them because they are in Year 10 and the LGBT?

OP posts: