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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DH too overprotective of DD (14)?

419 replies

suri80 · 03/06/2017 21:15

Eldest DD (14) has currently barricaded herself into her room because DH will not allow her to go to a "hang out" at her friend's house. The friend is a boy from her school who we don't really know and apparently his parents are away. I tried to compromise by suggesting to DH he could collect her at 10pm if he was worried, but it turned into a huge argument between him and DD and now he won't allow her to go at all. He says it's because this boy has an older brother and no doubt there will be older boys there, alcohol and probably drugs Confused He says he trusts DD, but she is too young for all this. Now he has stormed off to help his brother with something.
AIBU to think she could have gone for a while and DH is being over the top here? Or is 14 too young as he says? I'm not sure what to think anymore.

OP posts:
beeny · 03/06/2017 21:39

I would not let her go, see situations like this in court all the time !

Funnyfarmer · 03/06/2017 21:40

Let me tell you - none of my children would mix or socialise with each other or each other friends. They are very close in age
My teenage dd has had several older brothers sniffing round her. As did I when I was in my teens.

If you do want to let her go? But worried about what's going on there. Take her round yourself and go into the house see who's there. Sit outside for a bit.

PeaFaceMcgee · 03/06/2017 21:40

She might lie next time though, if she feels her treatment has been ridiculous as DH obviously doesn't trust her.

LittleBeautyBelle · 03/06/2017 21:40

Op, one of my sils insisted on going with her 18 year son to a party....I tried to talk to her but she didn't understand how crazy that was...!!! I couldn't believe it, nuts!

I do think there should be supervision if your 14 year old is at a boy's house. I'm with your dh on this. In fact, I don't think they should be alone in his bedroom together either. But hopefully I'm not as crazy as my sil haha!!

LittleBeautyBelle · 03/06/2017 21:41

Funny has a good suggestion. You should know these people a bit beforehand.

Allbutone85 · 03/06/2017 21:42

Growing up, my mum never let me go anywhere and had no trust in me at all. I ended up having to lie all the time about where I was. I wanted to be truthful and I wasn't doing anything outwith the normal teenage stuff but she was far too protective. I think if you want her to continue to be honest with you both, there needs to be some give and take. I only have young children just now but I think if it were my DD, at age 14, I'd have tried to reach a compromise of letting her go, even for a couple of hours. Dropped off and picked up.

RitaMills · 03/06/2017 21:42

I'd allow my DS to go, I'd do your thing of picking him up at an agreed time though (11/midnight) I'd phone in between to make sure he wasn't rat assed.

Funnyfarmer · 03/06/2017 21:45

I insisted on the same thing with my dd who wanted to do something similar.
I also wanted to know where the parents were and if they knew about the "gathering" and wanted the parents phone numbers.
Funnily she changed her mind about going

Original poster
suri80 · 03/06/2017 21:46

He says he does trust her but he doesn't trust the boys. I do think the boys are just the ones she sees everyday at school though, but maybe I need to catch up here. DH seems to be getting increasingly Catholic in his old age (Italian).
A group of them just did a Duke of Edinburgh overnight camping expedition Confused

OP posts:
Tiptoethr0ughthetulips · 03/06/2017 21:46

I used to lie to my parents about staying with friends from about 14 and I was actually out on the town. For that and your husbands reasons there's absolutely no way I'd let her go.
Personally I think about 16 is right.

Hotheadwheresthecoldbath · 03/06/2017 21:46

My dd is almost 14,I wouldn't let her go simply because any gathering only taking place when parents are away tells you something about the bit.YANBU.
I am currently in bed while a noisy sleepover is going on downstairs,have had to put my foot down on a few things so am feeling intolerant!

brasty · 03/06/2017 21:48

It depends on your DDs friends. At 14 I hung around with a group of girls and boys. We did do things like play card games.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 03/06/2017 21:50

For me (as for many on this thread) the dealbreaker is no adults present. And FWIW I wouldn't allow that with a female friend/classmate who wasn't close to my dd and whom I didn't know either. I don't mind my 12yo and his best friend being here or at his house on their own for an hourish, but a gathering like that, with no parents, no.

i would have been OK with the rowing thing, though. Your dh needs to be careful not to project his anxieties onto her and her friendships with boys.

Fanciedachange17 · 03/06/2017 21:50

DH is right. Well done him.

NotMyPenguin · 03/06/2017 21:51

I think he's right to be protective, and your DD may thank him later (even if she's upset now).

There's a lot to protect teenage girls from -- including themselves. And she will have so much time later to do anything she wants.

There's nothing wrong with giving her firm, clear boundaries at this stage. It's because you both love her. Now make sure you get on the same page as your DH so that you're parenting together :-)

NotMyPenguin · 03/06/2017 21:54

The thing is that there's a big difference between supervised and unsupervised social time. I'd have no problem whatsoever with the DofE trip (responsible adult) and don't think it's comparable.

My mum was over-protective of me at that age and although I hated it at the time I am very grateful now. I had plenty of time from age 16 up to be more independent, and I was more ready for it by then.

ADishBestEatenCold · 03/06/2017 21:54

"A group of them just did a Duke of Edinburgh overnight camping expedition"

I don't understand the relevance of this. Unless you mean that your DD has already been camping with these boys, unsupervised by adults, when doing a Duke of Edinburgh expedition ... in which case I do understand the relevance and think your DH has double standards.

MarciaBlaine · 03/06/2017 21:56

No parents, no go.

Original poster
suri80 · 03/06/2017 22:00

On the D of E there was no adult with them though. There was 3 boys and 3 girls and they had to find the campsite by walking for 7 hours, camp the night and then get to the meeting point the next day.

Thankyou for the feedback. I wasn't sure what to think really because it's hard to have a sensible discussion about anything in this house. DH doesn't mean it, but he can come across as quite dogmatic and then everything just escalates from there. DD is calling him a spy because he has her phone tracked on his. Its one thing after the next.

OP posts:
Notalotterywinner · 03/06/2017 22:01

Most of the class are there and it's not a party? Are they knitting?

MaybeNextWeek · 03/06/2017 22:04

I don't get this , loads of kids hang out together when parents are out. You let them go, you tell them you'll pick them up at 10pm and tell them to text if they're are worried about anything. She's 14!!! It's hardly an all night rave with a sleepover Confused

Original poster
suri80 · 03/06/2017 22:06

She is adamant that nearly all the class went there from 5pm and there is one girl she will never see again because she is leaving. I can't believe they're all there still now though as they live all over the place so how are they getting home? She says they all have the Uber app Hmm

OP posts:
Babyonboard101 · 03/06/2017 22:06

Id say yes but not 10pm. If have said collected 8:30/9:00 latest

Funnyfarmer · 03/06/2017 22:06

They camped with no adult supervision?
If your dd has a problem with her phone being tracked she could always opt for cheaper phone without that technology

WankStainWasher · 03/06/2017 22:10

I don't think they would be interested in drinking at all. Definitely not drugs. Am I too naive here?
Yup Grin