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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is DH too overprotective of DD (14)?

419 replies

suri80 · 03/06/2017 21:15

Eldest DD (14) has currently barricaded herself into her room because DH will not allow her to go to a "hang out" at her friend's house. The friend is a boy from her school who we don't really know and apparently his parents are away. I tried to compromise by suggesting to DH he could collect her at 10pm if he was worried, but it turned into a huge argument between him and DD and now he won't allow her to go at all. He says it's because this boy has an older brother and no doubt there will be older boys there, alcohol and probably drugs He says he trusts DD, but she is too young for all this. Now he has stormed off to help his brother with something.
AIBU to think she could have gone for a while and DH is being over the top here? Or is 14 too young as he says? I'm not sure what to think anymore.

OP posts:

ElinorRigby · 06/06/2017 16:05

Some of us have/have had abusive fathers....

lozzylizzy · 06/06/2017 17:18

I asked something once at that age, the answer was no......after that I didn't bother and lied. Be wary

BertrandRussell · 06/06/2017 17:24

Abusive fathers can take many forms............

ElinorRigby · 06/06/2017 17:34

Quite...

Original poster

suri80 · 06/06/2017 17:51

It's so difficult to think of him as "abusive" because he absolutely adores DD and she knows it. She could always get round him in a way the boys couldn't. People always commented on what a lovely relationship they have.
On the uni subject - well, if she gets a place on the right course he will have to let her go. He feels his job is to instill the right values in her before she goes off, but I agree that sheltering girls too much is potentially storing up problems for later. I'm going to tell him this. Thankyou for all the thoughts and suggestions.

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 06/06/2017 18:25

Suri- just have in your mind that you think it is progress that he is allowing her to go out to Saturday lunch in a mixed group. And that she has had to ask him not to FaceTime her while she is there.

There is no planet on which that is normal thinking.She might have to ask for money, or a lift - but the thought of her not being allowed to go is just ridiculous and, frankly a bit scary.

theconstantinoplegardener · 06/06/2017 18:46

For goodness sake, of course the OP's DH is not abusive. What a horrible thing to say! He may be a little overprotective, yes, and perhaps some of his ideas are not quite in tune with 21st century London but I think it's really unfair to accuse him of being abusive.

ElinorRigby · 06/06/2017 19:05

I think there's a broader meaning of 'abuse' which is about not using or treating a young person in the right way.

So, in my own case, I was treated very very differently from my two brothers. When I was small, I was definitely my father's favourite. But when as a teenager I became more independent and argumentative our relationship deteriorated rapidly. He attempted to become very authoritarian indeed because he felt very strongly that he had to right to forbid friends to come round and also to forbid me to go out - even if my homework had been done and I was doing well at school.

As a consequence as a teenager and a young woman I had a lot of difficulty in forming appropriate relationships with young men, and I also had difficulties involving alcohol, cannabis, self-harm etc etc - which impacted on my university studies and then on my career.

I felt that more appropriate parenting - having a father who sometimes just listened to me and realised that I had a point of view, who understood that I wanted to be free to have friends and maybe even have those friends made welcome at home - would have made a big difference.

bumblebee61 · 06/06/2017 19:08

I think your partner is completely right. She is too young and with no adults there you don't know what might happen.

motherinferior · 06/06/2017 20:16

I think a father who won't let you go out without facetiming you is definitely scary. Also mortifyingly embarrassing.

whatssheonaboutnow · 06/06/2017 20:44

What was this man like when you were dating, out if interest? I hope he asked your father's permission in the very first instance! Did he expect you to not have had previous boyfriends?

theconstantinoplegardener · 06/06/2017 21:25

Elinor, I'm so sorry you had such a troubled relationship with your own father and that it's left you with so many difficulties. But the OP's DH reminded me of my own father, who was also very loving but struggled with his teenaged daughters' growing independence. He also used to forbid us from participating in various activities and it caused friction at home. However, I don't think I ever doubted his love for us and I always knew he was doing it with the best intentions, even if his methods were a little clumsy. His love meant a huge amount to me as a teenager and made me value myself more, because I knew he valued me so highly. And he would have been absolutely heartbroken to be accused of being an abusive father. As it is such a loaded term, I feel it should be used sparingly - and I didn't feel it was justified in this case. But I do see your point about abuse having a broader meaning!

Original poster

suri80 · 07/06/2017 08:09

Eilinor - thanks for your post. I will take it as a warning. DD is allowed to have friends over though and often does, it's the "unsupervised with boys" part he struggles with.
whats - I met DH abroad so he didn't meet my parents straight away. He did (unknown to me) go and see my dad to ask "permission" to propose to me though and that happened 8 months after I met him, so all very quick.
Thanks again for all the comments on here. It's been very useful indeed.

OP posts:

corythatwas · 07/06/2017 08:32

HildaOg Mon 05-Jun-17 23:32:18

"I had one friend with a very protective dad. She was always treated well until he died then she got a boyfriend who used to beat her. "

And this is supposed to be a sign of the success of his parenting?

Isn't it at least equally likely that her early life had preconditioned her for being controlled by a man?

"Vulnerable young girls will always be targeted by boys, older boys and men... "

Which is why most of us want our daughters to learn skills of independence and risk assessment whilst still living at home in a supportive environment. To make them less vulnerable.

"Predators target those who don't have a man fighting for them. It's human nature. Look at Rotherham etc... That could only happen in communtites where the culture of protective fathers has disappeared which is why most of the victims were white English girls."

In Rotherham they primarily targeted girls from care homes or from troubled families, the kind of girl who would not have a supportive parent to talk things through with at home, the kind of girl who could not ring home at any hour and know that a calm and sensible parent would come out immediately to get her.

BertrandRussell · 07/06/2017 08:41

I am assuming that HildaOg is a parody account. Best ignored, I feel......

BertrandRussell · 07/06/2017 08:42

But yes- what Cory said............

MsMartini · 07/06/2017 08:53

OP, my dc are/were at a similar sounding school - streetwise, academic, London. What your dd wants to do sounds entirely normal to me. My two would never have known who was going to be at each gathering, how long it would last etc etc. I worried about them getting home safely and have made clear my views on (very) underage drinking and drugs but I would have considered who they were with their business. Part of growing up is forming friendships and relationships and in some circles, a genuinely mixed friendship group is not unusual.

I have a dd and a ds (both older than your dd) and I felt both were safer in mixed groups in London. Both had mixed sleepovers, been on holidays with friends and so on. My dd was in a mixed friendship group throughout secondary school, with no problems at all, and counts boys that she has never "dated" among her closest friends. Both did cadets which involved living and sleeping at very close quarters with minimal supervision. Boys are girls do face (slightly) different risks and in my dc's friendship groups, they looked out for each other. We have always stressed the value of friendship and supporting each other.

tixismum · 07/06/2017 13:47

Not without adults.
At your dd's age I'd have known I wouldn't be allowed and would have lied about where I was going. At least you can be glad she isn't doing that!
Now she probably will in the future!
My mother was very trusting of me and I was the same with my daughter. She is a wonderful grown up now.

Garlicansapphire · 08/06/2017 01:03

I assume our job as parents is to give our DCs a good principled grounding in life and then enable them to grow into independent adults - to exercise good judgement, with all the mistakes and bumps along the way, that they learn from. Our job is not to keep them dependent children.

If I were your DD I'd be desperate to have more freedom. How is going to a lunch with boys even a question?

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