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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DH too overprotective of DD (14)?

419 replies

suri80 · 03/06/2017 21:15

Eldest DD (14) has currently barricaded herself into her room because DH will not allow her to go to a "hang out" at her friend's house. The friend is a boy from her school who we don't really know and apparently his parents are away. I tried to compromise by suggesting to DH he could collect her at 10pm if he was worried, but it turned into a huge argument between him and DD and now he won't allow her to go at all. He says it's because this boy has an older brother and no doubt there will be older boys there, alcohol and probably drugs Confused He says he trusts DD, but she is too young for all this. Now he has stormed off to help his brother with something.
AIBU to think she could have gone for a while and DH is being over the top here? Or is 14 too young as he says? I'm not sure what to think anymore.

OP posts:
polarolo · 04/06/2017 08:29

I'm not saying throw kids into the world headfirst with a six pack in their hands and saying "have fun now".

I am saying you can't rely on other parents - how is that naive? Confused

Trifleorbust · 04/06/2017 08:40

polarolo

Because you seem to believe teenagers will be safe unsupervised because you can't rely on some other parents. Actually you can rely on most parents to ensure kids don't behave in ways they very often do behave when no adults are present.

Original poster
suri80 · 04/06/2017 08:41

DD just came down. She mumbled at DH when he said good morning to her and made a point of heading out to the garden room which is where she revises. DH offered to take her to the Westfield later and she said, "Oh so I can't go to a normal house but I can go to a major terrorist target". Confused Now they are arguing again outside.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 04/06/2017 08:44

Sounds like she is behaving like what she is: a child. Back up your DH. They are not 'arguing' - she is being cheeky.

BertrandRussell · 04/06/2017 08:44

"It doesn't matter how responsible or trustworthy she may be, you don't know these boys so you can't trust them. Simple as that"

So basically, don't trust boys. Right. Hmm

BertrandRussell · 04/06/2017 08:46

I'm with the dd here.

OP. You and your dp need to have a proper talk about this when your dd isn't there. He is being unfair and unreasonable.

polarolo · 04/06/2017 08:47

Eh? I didn't say anywhere "they are safe without supervision". I just said you can't rely on it - and you can't!

You need to train teens to take care of themselves even when parents aren't around, and not assume they'll be fine aged 17/18 to go it alone immediately.

(Good for you to think all parents are wonderful though, and all kids instantly behave when they're around, I just don't agree!)

Trifleorbust · 04/06/2017 08:53

polarolo

I didn't say all parents are wonderful. At all. I am saying young adults, in their inexperience and with their lack of confidence in who they are, are far more likely to behave irresponsibly when they are unsupervised than when they are supervised. I think it is naive to deny this and think you can teach them, consistently, to control the urge to experiment and impress each other.

Catminion · 04/06/2017 08:55

I think I live in a similar area to you? DD2 attended HP and these sorts of gatherings were very usual at that age. They were all very innocent, no alcohol, drugs or sex and it was only when DD started to attend her current school at 6th form, that those all appeared part of the agenda.

If there are future ones, let her go but collect by say 10 or 11pm.

Catminion · 04/06/2017 08:58

Oh and DD2 and friends regularly went to the Serpentine as well or the park - no problem with that (more worried about sunburn)

Lweji · 04/06/2017 09:01

More than who we think is right here, this is Parenting 101.

It shouldn't be your DD vs her dad. It should be DD vs her parents.

You and your OH must discuss these things between yourselves and decide on a united front.
He doesn't get to say what happens and neither do you. It should be both.

Original poster
suri80 · 04/06/2017 09:02

The background to all of this is that DH has told DD several times that for as long as she is living under his roof, he's not having situations where she is off somewhere with a boy and he doesnt know where or who he is. This is the kind of thing he says. But all they really do at the moment is hang out in Starbucks on Fridays after school. I must admit, I don't know what conversations take place in social media, but they're not doing anything that crazy yet as far as I can see.

OP posts:
Catminion · 04/06/2017 09:05

I think if they are part of a mixed group there is no problem. I would only allow sleepovers if the hosts parents were there though.Sounds very similar to my DD2 at that age.

BertrandRussell · 04/06/2017 09:06

OP- can I ask why what he says goes? Do you not have any input?

Is she not allowed even to be in a group that includes boys?

Catminion · 04/06/2017 09:07

I think your DH needs to back off. Your DD is part of a large friendship group. She is not running off to have sex with some random boy in an alley.

BarbarianMum · 04/06/2017 09:10

Ah well, she'll know to lie to you next time. It's a learning curve. And having lied, she'll not be able to call you for help if she gets out of her depth. Nice one. Hmm

cowgirlsareforever · 04/06/2017 09:12

As the mother of two boys I am sad to read this thread. Most teenage boys are not predatory monsters Hmm

sashh · 04/06/2017 09:13

The thing is that there's a big difference between supervised and unsupervised social time. I'd have no problem whatsoever with the DofE trip (responsible adult) and don't think it's comparable.

You have not been on a D of E trip then, part of the point is to do it independently. In modern times children usually have a mobile phone to call for adult help.

OP

So your dh trusts her to walk miles and camp with these boys but not see them in a house?

My parents were very strict, it lead to two things,

  1. I learned to lie, a lot
  2. When I was finally out I was about 2 years younger mentally than my friends, I had not done the teenage hanging out with friends I was a 16 year old with the emotional mind of a 14 year old.

I think the thing is to sit down and talk about what you will and will not allow so that it isn't a case of arguments starting, if you have a rule that no she can't go to a friend's house when the parents are out.

Then that is the rule and no point arguing.

Original poster
suri80 · 04/06/2017 09:21

I do have input of course, it's more that DH is prone to making sweeping statements. He really does mean well, but sometimes I think he exacerbates things.
Her friends are a mixed group and have been for a while. They do hang out but usually just in Starbucks after school or at someone's house when the parents are home. When they go shopping it's just girls mainly. One of her friends met a boy who is about 15 on a music camp and went to meet him on a Saturday on a High St and that is the kind of thing DH wouldn't allow.

OP posts:
Original poster
suri80 · 04/06/2017 09:22

Cowgirls - We also have 2 younger boys!

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 04/06/2017 09:22

suri80

He does sound overprotective, but in this instance I think he was right. What are you doing about her arguing with him?

BertrandRussell · 04/06/2017 09:26

"One of her friends met a boy who is about 15 on a music camp and went to meet him on a Saturday on a High St and that is the kind of thing DH wouldn't allow."

What would happen if you thought it was OK? Would he still not allow it?

polarolo · 04/06/2017 09:26

I'm not naive but I'm not going to repeat myself pointlessly either.

I'm with bertrand, the way he treats her is unfair. Will he ban the boys from knowing girls when they're older? Probably not, but then it's all part of treating girls like "little princesses who belong to daddy".

BitOutOfPractice · 04/06/2017 09:27

In order to establish my credentials I'll say I have 2 DDs. One is 14. The other 17

I wouldn't have let her go last night. I would have happily let her go to the rowing thing.

One thing I will say is that you need to be much more aware about what teens are doing with regards to alcohol, drugs and sex. Even at naice schools these things happen. It may not be your dd but it's happening and you need to be less naive.

Original poster
suri80 · 04/06/2017 09:33

Trifle - they're not arguing now. He knows she's stressed about exams starting tomorrow. He's gone for a run now.
Bertrand -he's flexible about most things, but he wouldn't be about something like that so it would be difficult to argue with him.

OP posts:
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