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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is DH too overprotective of DD (14)?

419 replies

suri80 · 03/06/2017 21:15

Eldest DD (14) has currently barricaded herself into her room because DH will not allow her to go to a "hang out" at her friend's house. The friend is a boy from her school who we don't really know and apparently his parents are away. I tried to compromise by suggesting to DH he could collect her at 10pm if he was worried, but it turned into a huge argument between him and DD and now he won't allow her to go at all. He says it's because this boy has an older brother and no doubt there will be older boys there, alcohol and probably drugs Confused He says he trusts DD, but she is too young for all this. Now he has stormed off to help his brother with something.
AIBU to think she could have gone for a while and DH is being over the top here? Or is 14 too young as he says? I'm not sure what to think anymore.

OP posts:
OuchBollocks · 04/06/2017 07:09

What on earth is she allowed to do? I can think of few environments where a teenager couldn't get their hands on drink, drugs and cigarettes if they felt inclined, including at school.

Next time she'll say "can I go to Katie's house?" Get dropped off there, switch her phone off and leave. Because why bother with the truth.

Trifleorbust · 04/06/2017 07:13

I am really uncomfortable with the argument that teenagers will start lying if they aren't allowed to do what they like, and therefore should be allowed to do what they like. Sometimes parents will say no. Usually the child will disagree. If they subsequently lie (and possibly endanger themselves) to get their own way, that is a breach of trust. It isn't justified by the fact that they weren't allowed to go to a party previously.

Of course we should also allow them some freedom.

NoFucksImAQueen · 04/06/2017 07:20

I'd let her go. But then I had to lie to my mum a lot in my teens and I'd rather have been honest, rather she'd been there for me if I needed her as I ended up in some sticky situations as a result of not just being able to go home or call her when I needed.
My kids are only little now but I'm hoping when they are older we can have an honest relationship so I know where they are and that they can contact me if they need me

ElinorRigby · 04/06/2017 07:22

But don't parents also have to put a little trust in their children? If they say, 'No, I'm not going to smoke or get drunk. I'm not interested in having sex,' - they may be telling the truth.

Casschops · 04/06/2017 07:25

There are plenty of teenagers who don't do drugs and drink. I don't know the situation but if she is sensible why should it matter if she has male or female friends or both.

OuchBollocks · 04/06/2017 07:25

It's not a case of letting them do exactly as they want, but a little compromise and show of trust goes a long way. If she was dropped off at 5 on the proviso she would be picked up at 9, then there's much less chance she'll get in a state knowing daddy will be there soon.

Original poster
suri80 · 04/06/2017 07:27

Thankyou for all the comments last night. DH does try with DD. A while back, he took her and 3 friend's to see "Panic at the Disco". He stayed in there with them, but kept his distance and then took all the girls home at about 1am. He will always drive them all over the place. I think the next few years will be difficult though because if she does have a boyfriend she's not likely to tell him because he will insist on meeting whoever it is. They have always been very close and I don't want her to start hiding things from us.
DD not up yet!

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 04/06/2017 07:28

OuchBollocks

And you can show trust without sending them into any specific situation. She has been allowed to camp unsupervised, to go to lunch etc. Saying no to one party because there are no adults is perfectly reasonable at 14.

Trifleorbust · 04/06/2017 07:30

ElinorRigby

Some trust is essential. But it is also at the discretion of the parent how much trust to show. Perhaps the DH in this case isn't convinced his DD would ever give in to peer pressure (even the most sensible young people can be very vulnerable to this), or believes she might be exposed to others behaving irresponsibly in ways which start to normalise this for her. I don't know. But I think saying no because you are uncomfortable is fine, provided you allow them to do other things.

Trifleorbust · 04/06/2017 07:30

*would never

SallyGinnamon · 04/06/2017 07:33

So if she can't meet friends at night nor during the day, what CAN she do?

DD is 14 next week. The rowing on the Serpentine would have been a yes, as would the non-party with a pick up at 10.

If she's at a mixed school you've got to accept she'll have boys who are friends, nothing more.

flumpybear · 04/06/2017 07:36

Rowing in the day time, public place then yes. In a house with an adult present at night - no

flumpybear · 04/06/2017 07:36

No adult *

newdaylight · 04/06/2017 07:39

I think your dh is being over protective

I mean ..what if it was a party? That doesn't mean drugs etc. I've have done as you suggested with the pick up times. If and when she does break your trust, or get blind drunk, etc, then you have a reason to windo it back again for a bit. Not now.

What if the rowing was a date?

So what...she's 14. If she's not allowed to stay exploring these things for limited time now, she'll just lie to you.

Paninotogo · 04/06/2017 07:44

I would let her go. I work with teenagers and see firsthand that those with completely rigid, overprotective parents become completely secretive and devious. You will get many people here saying " I would never let my kids do that " and little do they know exactly what their kids are actually doing. Being more open and trusting encourages her to be the same.

Polichinelle · 04/06/2017 07:47

I think your DH is being overprotective. He seems to want to keep her a baby until she's basically married. This might have been normal for girls in his native town when he was growing up, but his daughter is growing up in London. She needs to learn to be independent. I would have let her go for a few hours. I also have a 14yo and that's what I would do.

BertrandRussell · 04/06/2017 07:56

Not letting her go on the rowing trip is utterly, utterly absurd.

The gathering? More difficult.

Why couldn't she have gone early and been picked up at 10?

BertrandRussell · 04/06/2017 08:01

And in my teenager's world there really is a difference between parties and gatherings. He doesn't go to parties (his own choice) because he doesn't drink very much (yet!) and doesn't enjoy crowds of people he doesn't really know (yet!). Gatherings are a group of friends hanging out together.

UrsulaPandress · 04/06/2017 08:09

Are you sure they had no supervision on D of E. surely she is only at Bronze level and ours all met up at the campsite for the overnight stay with several adults present.

polarolo · 04/06/2017 08:09

Serious question though, what difference does having an adult around make? Usually they'll let teens get on with it. They won't sit supervising directly, they won't be in the room.

They might smell smoke or something, they might make some kids curb their behaviour instinctively, but they might also just totally check out and ignore it all.

And if there are issues, teens are hardly likely to run to Jimmy's mum to say "oh no, Jimmy did/said this, please come and tell them off / call my mummy" are they?

It would be better to train them into being confident people who know the risks, or training them into how to get out of situations with ease.

If you're worried about them being stuck in a situation they can't get out of, you could even have some little codes set up between you - a text from you saying "was it the blue shoes or black ones you wanted?" or something, and a "blue/black" reply meaning something back to you?

I dunno, that could be a totally rubbish idea, but being on their side as they venture out seems better than just keeping them locked up seems better to me IYSWIM.

Trifleorbust · 04/06/2017 08:15

polarolo

I think that is quite naive. Most parents do supervise responsibly (although of course there are no guarantees).

When I was a teenager, the difference between our behaviour when under adult supervision and when on our own was significant.

Ktown · 04/06/2017 08:18

Er no way
No parents and age 14? I remember exactly what went on at that age
You DH is correct!

Original poster
suri80 · 04/06/2017 08:19

Bertrand - yes that's exactly how DD would describe it.
It's such a confusing age. DD tells me that at least half of her class identify as a-sexual, bi or gay. On school forms now you are asked to tick whether they are male, female or non-binary. DH thinks this is all ridiculous and things are confusing enough for teenagers without all this. DD does look and act quite maturely, but it's a lot to negotiate and DH is very definitive about everything which is not always that helpful.

OP posts:
Ktown · 04/06/2017 08:21

To expand: drinking, smoking and the inevitable hook up
Some were keen on this but others were dragged along
14 is a tricky age to manage behaviours
Teens who get into hot water will blame you in the future for not protecting them

HildaOg · 04/06/2017 08:29

It doesn't matter how responsible or trustworthy she may be, you don't know these boys so you can't trust them. Simple as that.