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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is DH too overprotective of DD (14)?

419 replies

suri80 · 03/06/2017 21:15

Eldest DD (14) has currently barricaded herself into her room because DH will not allow her to go to a "hang out" at her friend's house. The friend is a boy from her school who we don't really know and apparently his parents are away. I tried to compromise by suggesting to DH he could collect her at 10pm if he was worried, but it turned into a huge argument between him and DD and now he won't allow her to go at all. He says it's because this boy has an older brother and no doubt there will be older boys there, alcohol and probably drugs He says he trusts DD, but she is too young for all this. Now he has stormed off to help his brother with something.
AIBU to think she could have gone for a while and DH is being over the top here? Or is 14 too young as he says? I'm not sure what to think anymore.

OP posts:

MaQueen · 03/06/2017 22:12

DD1 is 14. Not a chance DH would let her go, and I would totally agree with him.

LovingLola · 03/06/2017 22:14

Your husband is absolutely right.

onceandneveragain · 03/06/2017 22:16

Honestly, I agree with all the PP who've said that the only thing I would have learned from this as a 14 year old is that my parents don't trust me, and next time I should just lie and say I was staying over a female friends.

You know that there are a number of her peers there, so
a) either those parents have let their children go - so what, does that mean they don't love their children as much, or that there is something about your child that makes her more vulnerable?
b) or - the other teenagers have lied to their parents, and been rewarded by a fun night, whereas yours has tried to be honest with you and been punished by missing out. Is that the lesson you want her to learn for the next 4 years?

If she was going to have sex, drink, or do drugs she could do them as easily in a playing field at midday, or after school, or in a cinema, as she could round a friend's house on a weekend night.

At least if you'd shown her you trusted her and made arrangements to pick her up at 10pm you'd know where she was and had limited the time period she had to get into any trouble, plus kept the lines of communication open just in case anything did happen that she wasn't comfortable with.

I don't think teenagers should do everything they want to btw - I'd agree that a sleepover might be inappropriate, but hanging round someone's house for a few hours of an evening is pretty tame as far as teenage activities go.

Original poster

suri80 · 03/06/2017 22:16

Would people let a 14 year old girl meet friends in Hyde Park to go rowing and then frozen yogurt? This would be on a Saturday afternoon, about 6 of them?

OP posts:

MaybeNextWeek · 03/06/2017 22:17

'Not a chance DH would let her go, and I would totally agree with him.'

What to a friend's house with a load of other kids until 10pm just because the parents were out? What do you all do, lock them up in their bedrooms until they're 18? . You start off slow with allowing stuff like this, if they come home late or smelling of cider they don't go next time.

BabyLedWhining · 03/06/2017 22:17

Not bloody likely. And if her whole class is there it's clearly a party

BabyLedWhining · 03/06/2017 22:19

Rowing? as in boats? No, I'd be worried about them dicking around. Walking as a nice stroll yes.

Floofborksnootandboop · 03/06/2017 22:19

My youngest is 14 and I'd let her go, especially if I was going to pick her up at 10.

MaybeNextWeek · 03/06/2017 22:19

'Would people let a 14 year old girl meet friends in Hyde Park to go rowing and then frozen yogurt'

Yes. Some on here probably not, there may be boys present

mummytime · 03/06/2017 22:20

How many people on this thread have 14 year olds?
I actually think that your DH is probably setting your DD up to lie to you both in future.
He doesn't know this boy so he doesn't know what it would he is like.

To be honest I would probably allow my DD to go for a bit. I would give her the talk about how to text me a code if the situation got uncomfortable so I could rescue her. I would also prefer if she went with a friend I trusted, and I would want to take her and suss it out a bit as I dropped her (and probably hang around for a while).

Floofborksnootandboop · 03/06/2017 22:21

Actually come to think of, her curfew is 11 on a Saturday so, although she definitely would, she wouldn't necessarily have to tell me unless she wanted to stay out later.

pomonasprout · 03/06/2017 22:22

I agree with onceandneveragain and other PPs. I'd have just told fibs and said I was going to be elsewhere at this age to get around these rules.
I got into more trouble in the middle of the day with groups of girls in the holidays than I ever did at male friends houses, and even at house parties come to that.
All this will do is push your daughter into rebelling against her dad's rules and drive a wedge between them. I know because it did with me when I was about her age all is fine now but never felt more resentful towards my dad than in these situations. But I was a bit of a Kevin the Teenager and was convinced my parents were out to ruin my lifeeeeee

Original poster

suri80 · 03/06/2017 22:25

They are all in a very high pressure independent school and have been revising all week for end of year exams next week (Year 9). DD made her own timetable and has done 7 hours revision every day with no prompting. This apparently was another reason for the "hang out". I was getting swayed to let her go for 2 hours or so, but DH said no to anything at all. Thankyou for all the feedback!

OP posts:

MaybeNextWeek · 03/06/2017 22:25

'I'd let her go, especially if I was going to pick her up at 10'

This ^ if they were sleeping obviously no way but at 14 in year 9 hanging out in groups is par for the course, they don't come home plastered if you give them firm boundaries and expectations. Banning it won't help, what happens next time?

MaQueen · 03/06/2017 22:27

DD1 needs to be home by 9pm at the weekends. Earlier in the week. If she's at one friend's house, in the village, she has to let us know if she's moving on to another friend's house.

user1490465531 · 03/06/2017 22:30

you hear of young girls getting raped and pressured to do stuff they may not consent to.....and of course there is a good chance alcohol may be there so no I wouldn't let her go 14 is still young in my opinion.

user1492287253 · 03/06/2017 22:30

no doubt your dh will object because he had been a 14 year old boy.

Rosieposy4 · 03/06/2017 22:31

Sorry having done this four times with my own kids, and times million with the kids i teach, the answer would definitely be no.
There will be alcohol, there will be drugs, and especially with no adults present. Really nice y9 kid i teach recently spent 48h in hospital as a rsult of drugs, taken voluntarily.
Have to disagree with a pp, mine are all close in age, and yes they did socialise together.
D of E they are supervised, just from a distance and without the kids being aware they are being checked.

Original poster

suri80 · 03/06/2017 22:32

I really don't think she would drink alcohol and smoking is not cool. She's never even tried Diet Coke as she says it's full of additives

OP posts:

Rosieposy4 · 03/06/2017 22:34

Sorry suri, those ones are the worst ( the I don't drink diet come it is bad for me, oh ok then give me a reefer)

Funnyfarmer · 03/06/2017 22:34

People who are saying it will only encourage her to lie in future and say she's going to a female's freind.
There's an easy solution to that. Check that's she's going where she says she's going.
How many people on this thread have 14 year olds
I have a 16 year old. She wouldn't have gone at that age without me doing the relevant checks. It's not encouraged her to lie to me. In fact it's encouraged the opposite. She knows better than to lie. She knows I always check!

MaybeNextWeek · 03/06/2017 22:35

'you hear of young girls getting raped and pressured to do stuff they may not consent to'
So you teach and guide them. I suppose it depends what your dc are like. If they are the chaotic unpredictable sort you may need to have strict rules, but generally through trust and boundaries by year 9 they should be able to be in a mixed group on an evening without an adult without any parental angst.

iffikitty · 03/06/2017 22:38

We let 14 year old DD go to a party, we arranged to pick her up at 9.30 pm. When we pulled into the road she was sitting on the kerb, drunk and being sick, we got out of the car and the 6ft tall boy who had his arm around her squared up to DH and wanted to know "who the fuck do you think you are mate?"

She also went to a sleepover at a friend's house and let it slip weeks later that the parents went out and the girls were walking round the streets at 1.30 in the morning.

We thought we were being careful, always picking up and checking, but discovered that other parents would lie sometimes.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 03/06/2017 22:39

I'm pretty strict with my 2dds, but I wousl have let them go to this "gathering" BUt they wousl have been picked up by 10. I did this until thye were 16. At 15 thye were collected at 11 and then at 16 later.

I wousl have let her meet her for Ds in Hyde Park too, in a group of 6. She can't stay inthe house all day/night and should be meeting her friends.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 03/06/2017 22:40

Sorry about typos! I was distracted!

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