Is DH too overprotective of DD (14)?

[suri80]

Eldest DD (14) has currently barricaded herself into her room because DH will not allow her to go to a "hang out" at her friend's house. The friend is a boy from her school who we don't really know and apparently his parents are away. I tried to compromise by suggesting to DH he could collect her at 10pm if he was worried, but it turned into a huge argument between him and DD and now he won't allow her to go at all. He says it's because this boy has an older brother and no doubt there will be older boys there, alcohol and probably drugs He says he trusts DD, but she is too young for all this. Now he has stormed off to help his brother with something.
AIBU to think she could have gone for a while and DH is being over the top here? Or is 14 too young as he says? I'm not sure what to think anymore.

Oh my god that sounds like a nightmare iffi!

My DDs are now both at the end of their first year of university and I would have not had a problem with this at all at 14. I would have arranged to pick up at 10 or 10.30pm but they often hung around in mixed groups. And yes, they also did D of E which is unsupervised overnight. But I knew my girls and knew they were reasonably sensible and I also knew most of their friends and they all looked out for each other.

Party is always going to be a debating point.

I'd let one of my twins go rowing in Hyde park but not the other, I couldn't trust one not to end up in the water.

However, is your DH planning on forbidding any activity that involves boys as part of the group? That is a way to alienate your DD from telling you anything.

It was suri, but she went on to get a good degree has a successful career. We are close.

"Apparently nearly all of her class have been there since about 5pm and it's "not a party".

Well either one or both of those statements are almost certainly not true!

StillDrivingMeBonkers "What happens at this time of night that wouldn't happen in an empty house if they were walking home from school, if they were so inclined?" Most likely drinking, possibly drug taking, people feeling pushed into things they don' really want to do!

"Your husband really shouldn't judge other people by his own poor standards."

Pretty stupid comment that! You don't need to be involved in drink or drugs or sex at 14 to know this kind of thing can happen to young people unsupervised in a house in the evening!

PeaFaceMcgee "On the other hand, if you have a good relationship with her, you trust her to be sensible and are confident that she won't indulge in anything unsafe or illegal, and would call you if she feels out of her depth, then I may have let her go for a few hours." That's all well and good if these are nice sensible teenagers who the OP trusts. But you don't know what will be happening and the OP's dd may feel out of her depth to say no to things.

BeepBeepMOVE "Why does his decision trump yours?" The parent saying no usually trumps the parent saying yes, that is how permission works isn't it?

"They wanted to go rowing on the Seroentine a few weeks ago in the afternoon and we had the same thing because he thought it was some kind of "date", even though it was a group going." I am with your dh on the non-party going on in the empty house but I think he is wrong about the 'date' or whatever it is. I think (assuming she can swim) the trip to the river sounds fine to me. Maybe talk to your dh and prepare for these requests before they start coming in.

From what you've said op. She sounds like a good girl. But this is the age where everything could change.
Some teenagers rebel with rules and guidelines. Some need them to keep on the right path. What all kids need though is for there parents to be on the same page.
My parents were like chalk and cheese when it came to parenting. As soon as I knew my dm would undermine my df and lie for me. Even just knowing my dm didn't agree with df gave me all the amo I needed to play them off against each other and getting my way.
If you really think your dh is being too strict you need to sit down with him and have a good chat about what kind of boundaries you want for her.

FGS. Far too protective. They sound like nice, sensible kids. It's hanging out at a friend's house, not going clubbing.

I think your dh is dead right and yes yadbu op

Funny "My teenage dd has had several older brothers sniffing round her. As did I when I was in my teens." sorry to hear this but I do believe it is more common than people may think. My friend at 14 was mixing with her 18 year old brother's friends which included men as old as 20 something. At 14 she was sleeping with one of them. Living with a different one within a couple of years.

Tonight during the row she told DH that in her class they're all friends and it's too cringe to be dating each other. She said most of them are A-sexual, gender-fluid, gay or bi anyway . She herself is apparently straight but not interested in any boys in her year. She told DH a boy once texted her and wanted to go to Wasabi with her after school on a Friday (this was a few weeks ago), but she didn't go. At least she's telling us, I suppose. Then DH says she's not going on lunch dates until 17 at the absolute earliest and he needs to meet the boy first. This is when DD told him he was a spy who thinks he understands everything but knows nothing.

I can remember ending up at a couple of house parties held by older teens, when I was 14/15, and definitely felt out of my depth and a bit vulnerable.

I always looked older, so had to deal with attention from older boys, which was uncomfortable.

I think saying she can't go on dates until she is 17 is a bit draconian though Though I know DH would probably try and enforce that one, if I let him (which I won't).

Nope he's not BU, I comp agree. Think about it shes 14 and his parents aren't going to be there...
Is she impressionable or, do you feel she can hold her own. If you feel she should be able to go because she has a good character and can hold her own whilst still having fun, then I see why you would let her go. But if youre just internalising her fomo it'd not worth the hassle.

onceandneveragain "Honestly, I agree with all the PP who've said that the only thing I would have learned from this as a 14 year old is that my parents don't trust me, and next time I should just lie and say I was staying over a female friends."

It is possible to believe in your child completely but still not want them to do things that are dangerous or risky, or could be.

"a) either those parents have let their children go - so what, does that mean they don't love their children as much, or that there is something about your child that makes her more vulnerable?"

Maybe they do not worry as much, maybe they are unaware of the danger for young girls, maybe they genuinely don't love their kids as much as the OP does - how do you know! Either way we don't parent our kids based on what random people we don't know might do! The OP s asking for advice but she will still make her own mind up.

If a child finds it so easy to lie to their parents about where they are and what they are doing that shows something about the lengths the child will go to to get their way. I know it is a two way street and there needs to be some give and take but simply agreeing to everything because a child has been honest enough to tell the parent what is planned seems foolish to me.

For a start the dd doesn't know what is going to happen or what is planned. It may all be innocent or it may not. Maybe honest communication is needed.

My parents had no idea that at 16 I stayed the night with a load of bikers in a squat! No food, just drink and drugs on offer. Luckily nothing bad happened but guess what, I did not go back. I learnt my lesson.

It's also worth reminding kids if they do lie, that the most important thing is their safety, you don't want them to lie but they must always have enough charge and credit on phone to call home and even if they have lied all will be forgiven if they just call you if needed.

iffikitty that is terrible, so sorry to hear it. Hope your dd is doing OK.

My dd is 12.

I am so glad my parents weren't over-protective!

I would allow her to go with an arrangement to collect her at 10pm.
You don't protect kids by keeping them shut in their rooms. How on earth are they ever going to learn any skills to look after themselves if they don't get to go out?

Grea advice from Funny, "If you really think your dh is being too strict you need to sit down with him and have a good chat about what kind of boundaries you want for her."

A united front. Maybe get to the bottom of what is bothering your dh and work on this together to provide that united front.

Suri "At least she's telling us, I suppose." She sounds very sensible to me and I think you it would be so helpful to work towards getting to know her friends and sussing out what the different socialising options are. I really do not think this is about not trusting her (on your part). "She herself is apparently straight but not interested in any boys in her year." That's all fine but it doesn't stop any of these gender fluid boys being interested in her, gender fluid doesn't mean the same as asexual. anyway, talk to your dh and build some trust together and talk to your dd. She does sound very communicative and nice, I hope it will all work out.

The answer would have been a firm No here as well.

Only read the first page, but as a mum to a nearly 14 year old - I'm on your DH's side!
Nooo chance am I on yours.

A group of them just did a Duke of Edinburgh overnight camping expedition

What's that got to do with anything? I did my D of E camping expedition at the age of 14. It was several million years ago but I'm fairly sure we had a guardian nearby though if we needed them!

Being told 'i trust you' and then being shown actions that CLEARLY say 'no I don't trust you AT ALL' is really damaging the relationship between you and your daughter.

If that were me (And 20 something years ago, it was), I would stop telling you stuff, and start doing exactly as I pleased and just lie when necessary.

Teenagers growing up requires some trust, and allowing opportunities to build that trust.

She's been honest about where she wants to go and who will be there.

You say you trust her, but those are empty words if you don't demonstrate that trust.

It does sound like your DH is really unreasonable and if he carries on like that she is going to lose trust or respect for him!

No way unless under a responsible Parent's/Adult's
care. Your DH is right.
who thinks he understands everything but knows nothing.
I bet your Dh thinks the same about Dd

Widdlin "She's been honest about where she wants to go and who will be there."

I would assume she doesn't really know exactly who will be there though, or exactly what will be going on. So she has been an honest as she can be. But that doesn't mean she can do as she pleases.

Maybe she will lie next time, maybe she will get caught out in a lie.

I don't like all this feeling by individual teenagers (or those speaking on their behalf) about who trusts them or doesn't. Because actually it is most likely not the individual teenagers that the parents do not trust.

My parents trusted me, I went to parties in the middle of the night, no real idea where I was exactly as I went with friends, got very drunk at 16. Luckily, all was fine, but it could have been different.

Although I do agree "It does sound like your DH is really unreasonable and if he carries on like that she is going to lose trust or respect for him!"

There needs to be some give and take.

No, not at 14. 15-16 I would allow it but would be calling and collecting.

I am surprised fewer posters have commented on a 14 year old being at home with no adult supervision for what sounds like days at a time. And then inviting all his friends from school? I seriously doubt he has permission for that. This will be a party.

Oh and teenage girls who say 'everyone' is gay, bi, asexual etc? OP, I think you sound lovely, but I think your DH is right. It's possible your DD thinks you came down in the last shower.

Sorry - he's "not going to let her" have dates until she's 17?

WTF, why is her sexuality under his control like that, and what mystical power does he expect her to gain at that point to be able to avoid any problems?

If she never dates she's more likely to be incredibly naive than anything else, like I was. Or she's more likely to just become a competent liar and have a life neither of you know about.

polarolo

But I completely agree with you - once she is 16, he has no right to stop her entering relationships.

I think it's more likely that young women will be controlled/groomed/raped/abused by young men who are their 'boyfriends'. My experience with my daughter is that if young women in their teens have good female friends they look out for each other and look after each other.

Also if you say to teenage daughters, 'Okay you can go to this gathering' and they get a bit bored or think some people are acting stupidly, they will work out if they want to go to similar events again.

There's a balance between being caring and giving some appropriate parental protection and being repressive. I reckon the girl's father is in the latter camp. It sounds to me as if there are cultural factors at play.