Is DH too overprotective of DD (14)?

[suri80]

Eldest DD (14) has currently barricaded herself into her room because DH will not allow her to go to a "hang out" at her friend's house. The friend is a boy from her school who we don't really know and apparently his parents are away. I tried to compromise by suggesting to DH he could collect her at 10pm if he was worried, but it turned into a huge argument between him and DD and now he won't allow her to go at all. He says it's because this boy has an older brother and no doubt there will be older boys there, alcohol and probably drugs He says he trusts DD, but she is too young for all this. Now he has stormed off to help his brother with something.
AIBU to think she could have gone for a while and DH is being over the top here? Or is 14 too young as he says? I'm not sure what to think anymore.

HildaOg. I can only assume that is a parody post.

I agree Oliversmummy helping your child have enough respect for herself that she expects more from a boyfriend, that she's not desperate to "tame a bastard", that she gets enough affection, attention and emotional support to not feel the need to turn to any bloke for these needs. Lots of conversations about what a relationship is and hopefully showing your dcs from your own relationship - what is good and what is not, because once they are off a Uni - or leave home to get a job, Dad with a menacing shotgun is no longer around to threaten consequences, they'll have to figure it all out for themselves - without their parents eyes and ears. Getting them ready for that big move away from us is what parenting is all about!

My daughters do not need a 'man fighting for them'.

And I sincerely hope that if my son found a girlrfriend's father cleaning a shotgun- literal or metaphorical- he would extricate himself from that worryingly dysfunctional family as soon as possible. Offering friendship to the young woman if he could- but otherwise sauve qui peut.

they understood the underlying message and respected it and him When you threaten someone with a shotgun - they are scared of you, they don't respect you - there's a difference and I agree with Bertrand I would be advising my son to untangle himself quickly from his girlfriend's violent family, quickly and gently - very gently.

She's told you and DH the truth about the arrangements this time, and he's said no. Simple. Next time she'll lie.

Vulnerable young girls will always be targeted by boys, older boys and men...

Could be a valid point...

Predators target those who don't have a man fighting for them.

But not this. Predators target those who have not learnt to be assertive and make their own decisions - because they've been wrapped in cotton wool by helicopter parents.
And if a girl does get into a relationship (although this isn't what the OP was about) it should be an equal partnership, not a dominant/subservient type of thing.

I don't see even the remotest problem in saying yes to your DD going to this type of thing. I wouldn't have any issue myself. I was out all the time at that age at boys houses, sometimes with other girls and sometimes not. Perfectly normal.

Also, I think the majority of children are growing up later than they used to, not earlier, precisely because of parents having become over protective. It's not a good thing.

Also, I think the majority of children are growing up later than they used to, not earlier, precisely because of parents having become over protective. Completely agree! They may be more developed sexually but the rest of their emotional development plays catch up, things like risk assessment, judgment, responsibility is not given the space to develop with all the cotton wool getting in the way - it's a dangerous mix.

Also, I think the majority of children are growing up later than they used to, not earlier, precisely because of parents having become over protective. It's not a good thing.

In some ways I agree. Prior to the 1944 Education Act (before even I was born) 14-year-olds were expected to leave school and work in an adult environment, with adult colleagues, and act appropriately. And I presume they did.

I find comments on this thread quite disturbing. I have teen DDs 13 and 15, and work with young people 16+. It is not my experience that all teens will drink alcohol to excess and trash houses at any opportunity, nor that 14 year old boys are predators who can't be trusted. I don't see why the friends' sexuality is relevant either, unless there's some implication that the boys might be gay so not threatening your DDs honour?

Of course you should get to know her friends, boys and girls, because parents should be genuinely interested in their kids lives. Teens don't always make this easy but your DD is openly telling you things for now and the consequence seems to be that she misses out or has to fight to join in normal teen activities.

5pm is daytime, you could easily have collected her at 9.00 as a compromise. Here also a gathering is not the same as a party so it's worth discussing these things with your DD. I am struggling to think of a reason she would not be allowed to go rowing in the afternoon unless she can't swim, and don't understand why she would need permission to have lunch with her friends on a weekend? Check availability, yes, ask for lift or money, always, but permission, really? The freedom she has is to take part in organised activities (DofE, Paris trip , even the nightclub party). She needs to have freedom to be a teenager and socialise with her friends, unaccompanied or FaceTimed by your DH. How else can she ever learn to be her own person and trust her own judgement?

Your husband is right.

I completely agree with the points being made, however, realistically, I do know that I will have to work with what I've got (i.e. DH). As I said, he is reasonable in general life. So far, I would say I've probably made 90% of parenting decisions as I'm the one here daily. He respects this and doesn't interfere. I suppose certain aspects of people's personality don't always fully reveal themselves until the "need" arises and that's what's happening here. I know his family obviously and I know where he comes from so I can see his behaviour in that context. He was one of 5. His mother was very religious to the point of neurotic, I would say. It was the cultural norm for girls to be chaperoned in the sense that the brothers would generally turn up at gatherings and keep an eye on who they were with. Even today, 'the family' over there has much more of an influence in that kind of sphere. DH will need to adapt to reality - as PP say, she will be going to uni in 4/5 years. I do think I might have my work cut out over the next few years, but time will tell.

'It was the cultural norm for girls to be chaperoned in the sense that the brothers would generally turn up at gatherings and keep an eye on who they were with'

That's the whole point isn't it. If there's a culturally issue and your dh was brought up in a strict religious household no amount of posters saying 'oh I let my dd do ....' is of relevance.

You're right, you do have to work with what you've got and if he's great in other aspects then his unreasonable over protectiveness may be something you all have to grin and bear .

As cushiemoy said when does your DD go out when she doesn't have to ask permission or isn't supervised.

Whilst I might be considered a "lax" parent in letting dc go where ever they like it doesn't mean I don't care. I worry myself stupid about them going out but let them go because they have to learn about the world. About crossing the road, about navigating tube and train networks. About dealing with the day to day stuff.

That's the whole point isn't it. If there's a culturally issue and your dh was brought up in a strict religious household no amount of posters saying 'oh I let my dd do ....' is of relevance.

But this is London not Sicily.

The 2 places are completely different cultures. You are raising your DD in London

In Sicily what happened when the dds left home to go to uni or work or did they just get handed from their fathers on to their husbands.

Is this is what your dh is expecting to happen in which case why is she bothering to study.

Or is she putting so much effort into her revision because she knows after A levels she will be off to some University at the other end of the country

None of his sisters went to uni because they were fairly rural and it was in the 80s and there just wasn't the same level of expectation. DH was the eldest with a twin sister - he went to uni, she didn't . I would say though that he hasn't carried that kind of attitude over to his own DD. He wants her to do as well as she can at school and will support her all the way.

I do think it depends on the child.

I would let my two but they are fairly sensible and we've had lots of discussions about trust going both ways etc. They would be allowed to go with the HMP (humouring mums paranoia) and the mums anxiety kit, that previous pps named the boundaries they gave their kids.

I would prefer them to gradually expand their world with "a parental safety net" to paraphrase another pp.

However if I was the parent of a few other teens I know, I would definitely be wary about letting them go. I wouldn't be confident at all in trusting them.

Is it the chicken or the egg? Do they behave in a more trustworthy way because they are trusted or because they don't get the opportunity? I think it depends on the child.

Assuming she goes runs away to uni she will cope much better if she's comfortable being friends with boys and girls, socialising in groups and judging situations and new people on their merits.

Many academically capable students struggle at uni dealing with social aspects, and the need to be responsible for all of their own decisions.

He wants her to do as well as she can at school and will support her all the way

All the way to where. Will in 4 years time he be waving her off to uni in Newcastle given he doesn't trust her to go out to the park with friend now.
Will she be expected to go to a uni close by so he can keep an eye on her till she us 21.

One of dd's friends has only been allowed to go to university if she lives at home and goes to our local one. She was encouraged to do well at school too.

However if I was the parent of a few other teens I know, I would definitely be wary about letting them go. I wouldn't be confident at all in trusting them. If you don't trust your teens because they seem advanced for their age, I think that locking them up and refusing permission to attend social events may push them further down the rebelling line - you really need to tread carefully because they will get around your rules, you simply can't control them as much as you'd like and they will land themselves in even bigger trouble, these are the kids that you need all your parenting skills for and just using the word "no" - will not work no matter how much you like to delude yourself. Firm discipline can and does backfire.

Of course of the reason why you don't trust them is that they don't seem streetwise enough, wrapping them up in cotton wool wouldn't seem to help that situation much either.

HildaOg one of the few people on this forum that has spoken with common sense

Does that mean lesbians shouldn't have babies because there will be no protective father polishing his shotgun?