To ask people not to stare at my son

[AlletrixLeStrange]

I'm posting this here with the hope more people read it.
I have a son with ASD and today was a bad day, constant meltdowns, asking to go home and attempts to escape me but we had stuff we needed to do and no car with us (in the garage) so we couldn't just leave as we normally would.
I can deal with his meltdowns, he's my son and I've learnt how to cope with them. To be honest, a lot of it goes over the top of my head now and I won't play along with them unless I know he needs my direct attention.
I also know it's a bit shitty when you're trying to shop and there's a kid screaming next to you, but I just can't care about that.
He's having a difficult time out of routine and with the business of holidays, he was supposed to go to his dads today but he cancelled again, he hasn't seen him in almost 2 weeks and my DS is confused.
But why do people have to stare?!
Today was the second time I've ever snapped at people in public, because dealing with my DS is hard enough, I don't need lots of pairs of eyes glaring at me as well. He's a child, with a disability, finding the day and surroundings hard. He's not a show.

People stare at anything.

My DS has severe eczema and people look at him. Do I care ? Nope !

DS has severe speech sound difficulties, people stare at him when he talks. Do I care ? Nope.

When DS calls me "mum" and people do a double take and look at us ( as I look like DS older sister, I had him in my teens). Did I care ? You bet I did, it was awful, I couldn't believe how so nerved I was about what other strangers thought of me who knew nothing of my life.

DS use to have very intense tantrums when he was a bit younger. In public too. I didn't care what others thought of me. I don't even have a car, so can you imagine ! I remember a time when DS was angry over something, he cried for two hours in the middle of a busy street, he refused to walk, I remained calm, guided him to the bus stop as we needed to get home. People were looking out of their windows, coming out of their houses to look. Did I care ? Not really. I have to deal with my son, why should I worry about others think or if they are watching us, when I need to be focusing on my son. I refuse to allow what other people think of me stop me doing my job as a parent.

Hold your head up high, you did a good job and keep doing a good job. You've got this .

Sorry you have to deal with that. People can be rude.

I will occasionally try and make eye contact with a parent in your situation to try and convey understanding/sympathy. I hope that it comes across that way, rather than a stressed parent seeing it as staring.

Thank you.
I wish I could hold that attitude every day, I'm usually pretty resilient but today was horrendous. I just couldn't cope
I get the young mum think too, also a teen mum, have heard the old "that's why kids shouldn't have kids" line countless times and it usually goes over my head.
I just hope that at least one person reads this and thinks before staring at what they probably assume to be a naughty uncontrollable child again.

I think you have to grow a thick skin with this as people's attitudes and judgements of God forbid a child being heard will never change. My OH gets very embarrassed. I give my son 2 chances then he gets ignored. It is super stressful and if I paid attention to other people it would probably tip me over the edge lol

I appreciate you probably experience it more than most but rest assured people gawp at NT tantrums and NT behaviour too. People are just rude sometimes and unable to put themselves in the shoes of others.

Sorry you've had such a rough day!

And yy to the pp who said about catching the eye of the stressed parent... I often try to give a sympathetic smile too but can see how this could be construed as a stare! Not denying people do shamelessly gawp though.

Theymademejoin I have a few people do that which I'm grateful for

Louiselouie0890 oh I wish I could do warnings, he doesn't understand though.
If I were to say, "if you don't stop I'll take you home to bed" he'll reply something like "I want to go home to bed" and ignoring him will always lead to him running off and he wouldn't hesitate to run into a road, he's very strong too so it's hard to keep a firm grip on him!

It was honestly like a game of cat and mouse around a supermarket.

You can usually tell who's staring and who's sympathetic as they usually do smile (albeit a bit awkwardly, don't worry, I do it too )
This was the glares that just read "control your child you useless mother" (at least to me at that time)

I wish I was as brave as you OP. My DS has ASD and I find it really difficult to go out with him. Some of his behaviours make it very hard but other people being judgmental makes it almost impossible. I feel the burn of humiliation and despair rising once my DS starts.

I want him to experience every day things but I find it hard to go anywhere with him. We have become more and more isolated in the last while. I'm feeling a bit beaten by it at the moment tbh.

I would love to learn how you have developed a thick skin. I don't think it's possible to stop other people tut tutting or staring.

I'm on the spectrum.
When something out of the ordinary happens, it takes me a while to compute. I'm in "What's that? Is it anything to do with me? What do I do here?" mode.
Then, I'm accused of staring.
I might be staring, but it has nothing to do with judging or enjoying the spectacle. I'm just trying to work out what the new data means.

Not caring is a skill that can be developed, just as you have developed ways to deal with you son's disability. I have been practising this skill way more than any other over the last 6 years and I am now a black belt in not giving a shit when people stare and offer parenting advice.

I also wear a half smile, as though I haven't noticed that ds is swearing with anger or shrieking with excitement. Now that REALLY pisses people off...it feels good.

With DS, I'm not currently doing it atm. But I made him a visual set of rules, the first set of rules showed what I expected him when we went out e.g. Walking next to mummy, being happy etc etc and then I made another set of rules which I did not want him to do e.g. Shouting at mum, hitting, running off etc etc (unless there was a good reason of course tired/hungry).

If DS did anything in the bad list and I told him three times to stop. We would stop what we were doing and go home (as DS loves being outside and hates to be stuck indoors). It was very hard but I consistently did this and touch wood there hasn't been an issue since !

The most positive 'staring' situation I've ever encountered:
In the supermarket, an autistic boy about seven years old, standing by his mum's trolley and looking at the world his own way. I look at him, taking it in and wondering if he's ok 'where he is', and finding that he is. His mum bristles, thinks I'm staring, but then really looks at me and realises I'm of the same stuff... and chills right out. She really knew her autism! And I was and am grateful to her for not kicking off.

Oh MartinRohdesBellybuttonFluff it is so hard isn't it
How old is your DS? Mine is now 6 (very nearly 7) and it's taken a good few years to get to this stage, over the last 12 months he's been able to cope a lot better.
I think you do get used to it, I've angrily "educated" a few people on Autism after nasty comments about him/me in public.
It breaks my heart that people go through this because others can't understand that our children aren't naughty and we're not crap parents, there's more going on.

About 2 years ago we visited an attraction type place (think zoo but not zoo kind of thing) and there was a show which he had a meltdown at while we were trying to sit down. The entire crowd (maybe 200 people?) we staring as I took him outside, tutting and saying nasty things until I turned back and shouted "he's autistic, not part of the fucking attraction!" before bawling my eyes out infront of them all

This isn't something everyone feels comfortable doing, but when I used to teach children with ASD, the school had cards printed which explained that the children had ASD and a link to a website find out more. It also explained what some common behaviours looked like and that the children were not 'naughty', along with advice to give space etc. If a child had a meltdown in a public place, we'd hand these cards out if necessary.

Some parents liked the cards so much that they made their own version- others felt that they shouldn't have to justify their child's behaviour in such a way.

As a teacher, I found the cards useful as I could concentrate on the child instead of engaging with idiots members of the public.

I don't mince my words anymore. DD is 9 years old (ASD & learning diffs) and now obviously different. I just tell people to stop staring. I have a pretty thick skin but staring at her bothers me immensely as she is starting to notice it.

it is bloody obvious that she has some form of LDs/SN. People are idiots.

Not everybody knows your son has ASD, maybe they just thought he was being naughty and you were ignoring it?

@AlletrixLeStrange I have so many flaws, but I master a good skill. I NEVER STARE. It makes people uncomfortable and it's not my damn business

So sorry you hard a rough day. Please try to always see the full half of the glass & find a reason to smile in the dark!

Tethersend good idea re the cards, he has one he either wears on his neck or has in his pocket (depending how he's feeling) which similarly has a few facts of ASD and contact details that we use incase he runs off (he never has)

73kittycat I wasn't ignoring it at all, I was chasing him around a shop, trying everything to calm him, even lying with him on the bloody floor to talk him round. Even so, if I see someone ignoring their child, naughty or SEN, that's their business and doesn't give me any right to stare at them.

Some people stare because they are ignorant. If you can try to ignore them. Some people feel the need to comment, again ignore or answer them stating he is autistic and having a meltdown - that might shut them up.
Best wishes with your son, glad you are allowing thing to go over your head a bit, some people are so ignorant/idiots/down right rude. That is there problem. Personally anyone parenting a child with an additional need, needs support and stares are not supportive.

Perhaps because there are so many entitled parents who let their kids runs around restaurants, etc, that people genuinely just think that your child is just badly behaved, it may never cross most people's minds, that he may have special needs, many of the population probably have never heard of autism

I will usually take a second look (hopefully not being obvious!) if an older child kicks off in public. This is only to make sure that they're with someone who's obviously responsible for them and not being abducted or something like that!

Other than that all parents/carers have nothing but sympathy from me when this sort of thing happens.

I can sympathise OP. My Wilf used to have meltdowns and can be noisy when we are out as he is deaf and doesnt realise how much noise he can make!
Sending you a huge un MNetty hug. Do pm me if you wish to!!