To ask people not to stare at my son

[AlletrixLeStrange]

I'm posting this here with the hope more people read it.
I have a son with ASD and today was a bad day, constant meltdowns, asking to go home and attempts to escape me but we had stuff we needed to do and no car with us (in the garage) so we couldn't just leave as we normally would.
I can deal with his meltdowns, he's my son and I've learnt how to cope with them. To be honest, a lot of it goes over the top of my head now and I won't play along with them unless I know he needs my direct attention.
I also know it's a bit shitty when you're trying to shop and there's a kid screaming next to you, but I just can't care about that.
He's having a difficult time out of routine and with the business of holidays, he was supposed to go to his dads today but he cancelled again, he hasn't seen him in almost 2 weeks and my DS is confused.
But why do people have to stare?!
Today was the second time I've ever snapped at people in public, because dealing with my DS is hard enough, I don't need lots of pairs of eyes glaring at me as well. He's a child, with a disability, finding the day and surroundings hard. He's not a show.

I saw a mum with her ds in a buggy/wheelchair type thing. He looked around 7ish. I got a look and a snide comment for looking at him, I was watching him because he looked so happy (his mum was whispering a rhyme/song to him) that same way I would have looked at any NT child enjoying themselves, tried to explain to the mum and apologise if I upset her but was brushed off.

Don't always assume people are staring with the wrong intentions, although I know some will. They might just be thinking you are doing well, or wishing they knew what to do to help, its natural for peoples attention to be drawn to noise. Probably best to ignore and focus your energies on your ds and yourself.

WeAllHaveWings if I was that mum I would've smiled at you, I'm not a monster.

I've happily had conversations with strangers about my son and his SN, even recently at a restaurant a lady started playing with him and chatting to me after I apologised for him knocking their table. There are lots of understanding, kind people out there.

You can tell, you can honestly always tell that "bad mum/child" glare.

Before I had my son I didn't know what Autism/SPD/Aspergers etc even were, I don't even know if I'd heard of them.
My son had developmental delays and he was nearly 3 years old when referred to a paediatrician and I just happened to watch a programme about a child with autism and that's when it all clicked.
I hope this post does raise awareness even just a little and next time you see a child having a tantrum/meltdown in public you might think about autism and the likes and the possibility that they may have it.
We all deal with a lot, I watch my son every morning at school try and play with other children and they ignore him, and that's fine they can make their own choices but it's hard. It's so hard to see a child of your own that you'd give anything in the world for go through this and there's not much you can do to help them. My child doesn't notice people staring, but he does notice his mum in tears outside of a shop because she's lost the ability to cope and he'll wipe away my tears and say "it's ok mummy" and I'll wish everyday that I can make this world a bit more understanding and easier for him going into adulthood. If one person has seen this and next time they see a child melting down in public, they smile or look away instead of staring or making a comment then I've made the day of an autistic parent a little easier.

I hope people do look if they hear a child screaming! At least to check that they are with their parents and safe!

I don't stare, but on a bad day, i would probably shake my head and judge (silently). I am tired, I am unwell but more importantly trying to keep mine under control. Another child on a full tantrum will start mine off, and that I have to deal with, even taking them out of the shop if they don't stop immediately.

A toddler is far too young to understand that the other child has autism, so you can't judge their reactions either.

And your child will grow out of it

Hopefully next time you may have some compassion and hold back from shaking your head.

Coddiwomple would you also do that to a physically disabled child in a wheelchair?

Probably not. So obviously thinks autistic meltdowns are voluntary.

"Trollspoop well maybe think next time and don't stare. Its not obligatory to convey your disapproval to people you think are bad parents and could cause distress to some."

Thing is, screaming coming from anyone for any reason is such a pleasant sound to listen to! I should just pretend it doesn't exist if I can't smile at shite parenting because it's none of my business someone is causing me physical discomfort. Oh wait it is. And I'm not talking about the OP's situation. Just a blanket statement telling me to mind my own business, when 90% of the time, the screaming tantruming child is just badly behaved. How do I know? Because when the parent is stared at by enough of the public, they magically begin parenting their precious poppet and manage to calm them down. Again, not the OP and her situation.

We certainly get different responses to ds meltdowns when he is in his SN buggy compared to when he isn't.

There again we have also had "he is big to be in a buggy" type comments it's not even as if his current chair looks that much like a buggy!

what? be annoyed by anyone who starts my kid having a screaming fit which I will struggle to calm down for god knows how long and will force me to leave the shop? Yes, I am humane, I won't be ecstatic about it , who would?

Doesn't justify you shaking head.

Basically shaking your head openly at someone because their disability is impacting you. Not very nice.

Nice insight into the starers and tutters here. They are as I would expect

And again, I'm very sorry the OP gets lumped in with shite parents. But that doesn't mean I'm going to pretend to be polite and put up with people who can't be considerate. I realise I'm talking about a different scenario to the Op and I'm just trying to explain lots of the public jump to the wrong conclusion when they see the OP ignoring a behaviour.

Oh please stop trying to twist what I say monkey. I'm attempting to get across a point you can't seem to grasp. It doesn't make your viewpoint "more right." I'm sorry my posts are provoking you.

I stare, I have a (very, very big) problem with particular sorts of noise - I have a stare or flight reaction.

It is the noise and only the noise that makes me stare - I have no judgement of parenting or of child in mind - I just need the noise to stop... desperately.

some of us "grown-ups" are on the spectrum too.

will there be a conversation in 20 years time about your son/daughter being told off for staring?

Some people are just rude.

Beyond we've already discussed your point further up post.
20-30 people staring at you don't all have their own SN/medical issues

Why should you tut at shite parents though?

If really shite they won't care. And you don't know if they have valid reason.

Or if you might make someone's shit day even shitter.

WeAllHaveWings can i come from another direction.
my dd is now an adult, we have had 20 odd years of people and kids staring at her. it is draining, she is just a person in a wheelchair.
day in day out i used to hate going out.
its better now she is an adult, but I would not smile at someone staring at her back then.

would you also do that to a physically disabled child in a wheelchair?

Should everyone just assume that all screaming children have SN though? Isn't that a bit..wrong? I would bet that more NT children tantrum* in public overall than children with additional needs. Should we really be encouraging people to just associate 'bad behaviour' with SN?

I don't know, maybe that would be a better solution as it would mean tantrums and such are normalized to the extent that parents of SN children were not ever stared at when something happens..

• I know that meltdowns are not 'tantrums' but they tend to look to the observer pretty much the same. Was the easiest way to get acros what I meant, sorry if this offends but I really didn't mean it to.

I would like to publicly apologise for the ranting tone of my first post this morning. On reflection it isn't helpful. I also am not happy with myself for being critical of someone having a bad day, that wasn't nice of me. Clearly if it's several months since his last meltdown you are not a shit parent and I should have re-read I wrote because I didn't mean to imply that you were. I can see from what you have sent about visual timetables and so on that you are actually very good at looking after him. I hope that my explanations about the supermarkets of doom may help people understand better.