To ask people not to stare at my son

[AlletrixLeStrange]

I'm posting this here with the hope more people read it.
I have a son with ASD and today was a bad day, constant meltdowns, asking to go home and attempts to escape me but we had stuff we needed to do and no car with us (in the garage) so we couldn't just leave as we normally would.
I can deal with his meltdowns, he's my son and I've learnt how to cope with them. To be honest, a lot of it goes over the top of my head now and I won't play along with them unless I know he needs my direct attention.
I also know it's a bit shitty when you're trying to shop and there's a kid screaming next to you, but I just can't care about that.
He's having a difficult time out of routine and with the business of holidays, he was supposed to go to his dads today but he cancelled again, he hasn't seen him in almost 2 weeks and my DS is confused.
But why do people have to stare?!
Today was the second time I've ever snapped at people in public, because dealing with my DS is hard enough, I don't need lots of pairs of eyes glaring at me as well. He's a child, with a disability, finding the day and surroundings hard. He's not a show.

I totally get it. Ideally, we grow a big thick rhinoceros skin and don't let anyone else's reactions get to us. As let's face it, it's stressful enough.

I have two sons, one ASD and one that was hyperactive and both have big meltdowns in public. I don't drive so no 'safe' space to retreat to ever.

But sometimes, it just gets too much doesn't it. Although to be honest the worst for me is someone trying to be kind and 'helping'. They don't know it but for my ASD son, anyone talking especially directly to him makes him MUCH worse. I can be in the middle of strangers trying to tell the strangers 'Please thanks but he needs space now to calm down' as they put their face in his and say 'What's wrong? Are you OK?' Both are questions which are even more of a challenge for ASD child and send him rocketing!!!

It's just really hard.

But we need to stay on top of the situation - do what's best for our kids - and most of all - not stay indoors and hide away.

Just know that you are NOT alone. A LOT of us out there!

Just wanted to share that I wouldn't deliberately stare at commotion occurring such as what you describe it would've appeared to onlookers. However if it appeared that your son was trying to escape as you described it I would probably survey to make sure that is was simply a child who was with its parent and not a child trying to get away from something sinister. Just my two cents.

I can understand people having a quick look. It is the stopping what they are doing to stand and stare especially when accompanied by 'the' face and some tutting and muttering. My son is obviously disabled and too old to be mistaken for a naughty child. Those stopping to gawp are just ignorant.

It depends what you mean by stare. I think it's possible for people to observe situations without it meaning that they are judging. They could want to help but just not be sure how to.

That being said, I do have a sibling with ASD so I am very switched on to it. I have met members of the public who simply don't consider it as a possibility when they encounter unusual behaviour. I have previously been cornered on a train by an individual who clearly had ASD and was telling me at length about some pretty dull subjects (about which he was clearly very passionate) for the whole journey, and others on the bus were sniggering and rolling their eyes and finding it hilarious. I wanted to shout at them all.

This gives me a bit of a lump in my throat. Such a good video.

If people are openly tutting and commenting, fair enough. That's not on. What does concern me is that you may be making the same mistake others are making about your DS.

People see your child having a meltdown, assume he's 'badly behaved'. You see people staring, assume they're 'rude'. How do you know for sure that they are not autistic too (like barry upthread), or are not NT in some way, and are simply trying to process what's going on? How would you feel if one day someone bit your son's head off for 'being rude' and staring?

In addition, some people are rude, judgmental arseholes. Some people are kind and caring and would be looking out of genuine concern, and wondering what they should do to help. Unfortunately, they look much the same. It's never a good idea to jump straight to the most negative assumption without further evidence (like the tutting and nasty comments. In which case, absolutely tell them to go fuck themselves).

tbh I would look to make sure everything is fine if a child is unusually upset.

Perhaps because there are so many entitled parents who let their kids runs around restaurants, etc, that people genuinely just think that your child is just badly behaved, it may never cross most people's minds, that he may have special needs
This ^ Once upon a time a screaming child would have been unusual and so you'd have had sympathetic looks, now it's so damn common because they're not told to behave that those that can't help it will be lumped in with the can help it but can't be bothered lot. It wouldn't occur to me that SN might be involved because most of the children I come across these days seem to be shouting for the sake of it (probably triggering meltdowns in SN children who, like me, have sensory issues around sound)

I'm at work so can't reply properly but yes we can tell the difference, also when you have 20-30 people staring at you with "that look" on their face it's safe to say they're not all kindly wondering what's happening or that they have medical issues/SN themselves.
And I reiterate to those saying about kids screaming these days, I know it's common, one of the 2 reasons I posted this was to raise awareness that not every one of those children is just being naughty, some may have SN. Plus again still no need to stare at kids that are kicking off regardless the reason, I can't say I've encountered many parents that let their children do that.

And to all my fellow SN parents.
You're all amazing

I so get this OP but the only time I had to have words with someone it was an optician. She was looking at my son as if he was a zoo exhibit, he was only about 2 and a half at the time. She got all uppity as well when I asked her to stop it; her excuse was professional curiosity. fuck off though I didn't quite put it like that.

You are doing just fine.

Thank you for starting this thread AlletrixLeStrange. I didn't reply last night because I was a bit sad. My DS is 3yo, still young and very much a toddler. You are right though I should go out with him for 15 mins a day. I have been allowing my fears to control our day to day activities.

I will use MrsBobDylan's quote as my mantra, " I am now a blackbelt in not giving a shit."

I'm sorry that people stare and they shouldn't. I'm also sorry I'm going to upset you with what I say.

But as an autistic adult it would be more than "a bit shitty" for me if a child is screaming and having a meltdown in the supermarket. It would be extremely distressing for me, as it is for him.

If he is already upset because he has had an unplanned change that morning, his dad is messing him about, he is out of his routine during the holidays, he has asked you to go home, why the actual fuck would you drag him to the supermarket, the autistic equivalent of a torture chamber? Then instead of being upset that your son is so distressed he has had a public meltdown you continue to make it all about you because some people stared at you.

Meanwhile people tell me it's us with the autism that have no empathy.

Do your shopping online and plan ahead so you don't have to do stuff with your son without the car. If he asks you to go home it's because he can't cope, not because he is being difficult. Listen to him If you can't go home, at least get him out of the supermarket. Ask the staff to help you by minding your trolley for a few minutes while you go outside. They should have had customer service and disability awareness training, let them help you. Meltdowns are horrible and take a lot of getting over. Prevention is better if at all possible.

I'm sorry to be a cow saying all that, and I know it's blunt, but I can see it from his point of view which most people can't. Sensory overload is absolutely dreadful, so horrible and if you can avoid getting to that point you son will be happier and so will you.

I feel for you OP, my DD doesn't have ASD but as a 2.9 year old she's prone to the whole tantrum in the middle of a supermarket thing or once she just decided she was going to lie down in the shoe aisle, I tried to get her up but she just wanted to lie down, so I stood next to her looking at the shoes waiting for her to come round (to avoid a meltdown), the aisle was empty btw, and some woman walked past the end of the aisle, and then actually walked backwards back into view just to look me up and down and basically call me a shitty parent!

People will stare and judge you for anything. Ignore the fuckers.

Not my son was fine in the morning, fine in the first shop, in fact hasn't had a public melt down for many months now. He knew where we going and was absolutely fine, until we got there. Don't make me sound like a shit parent for taking my son out.

Two kids with asd here. We've had people stare and my dh will stare them down. One is four and non verbal and it's obvious. But some people are ignorant. I make sure I never stare when I hear a child screaming. I know they're screaming. I don't need to look.

why the actual fuck would you drag him to the supermarket, the autistic equivalent of a torture chamber?

You really shouldnt generalise.

My child who has severe autism absolutely loves going to the supermarket. Ita a huge favourite.

I'll never forget the lady who wound down her window in the rain and pantomimed sympathy and support across two lanes of traffic during one of my son's epic tantrums. What a woman.

But I've already forgotten the starers from last week.

its a bit aggressive to challenge staring tbh. do you want your child to be shouted at in public when grown up just because he is 'staring'? if not, dont assume everyone staring at you is doing so maliciously. thats your assumption. comments, tutting, thats a thing, 'staring' is not.

someone I know had a right go at me this week for the look on my face. fuck knows what for, I didnt have my glasses on and probably it was just my confused wtf face. she was so bloody defensive about some completely different interpretation of my face. I mean, wtf can you do, wear a mask all day?

I wouldn't stare, but I definitely used to judge mothers (or fathers!) with screaming kids in the supermarket. Then I became a mum and I realised that quite often there is a reason for the screaming - tired, hungry, upset over something that you can't control.

I have a very different attitude to life now! Some people that stare today, won't stare tomorrow. They just don't appreciate what you're going through yet.

alphabet I think your post highlighted what makes it troublesome for people knowing how to approach situations like this. For instance, I would have tried to help by being kind and asking what's wrong and would have no idea that would have made things worse (obviously if you told me that then I wouldn't have done it) but a previous poster said along the lines 'I wish people wouldn't stare and just come over and have a chat'. All for you amazing parents x

MartinRohdesBellybuttonFluff Please don't feel this way (I know it's easy enough for me to say). People stare and gawp all the time at anything we are naturally nosy creatures. This world belongs to us all, including you and your son and he deserves to live in it out in the open.

It's not about making you out to be a shit parent for taking him out, I'm trying to give you a different perspective on it.

It's not about going out, it's about going out for too long on an already bad day.

You say he asked to go home yet you say he was fine. He wasn't fine and he tried to tell you. This doesn't make you a shit parent, its human to not realise that it's about to go wrong.

The change from fine to not fine can be quite sudden, but he asked to go home so he did give you a clue.

I'm not saying anyone is a shit parent. Autism is bloody difficult. People staring is as I said not appropriate.