To ask people not to stare at my son

[AlletrixLeStrange]

I'm posting this here with the hope more people read it.
I have a son with ASD and today was a bad day, constant meltdowns, asking to go home and attempts to escape me but we had stuff we needed to do and no car with us (in the garage) so we couldn't just leave as we normally would.
I can deal with his meltdowns, he's my son and I've learnt how to cope with them. To be honest, a lot of it goes over the top of my head now and I won't play along with them unless I know he needs my direct attention.
I also know it's a bit shitty when you're trying to shop and there's a kid screaming next to you, but I just can't care about that.
He's having a difficult time out of routine and with the business of holidays, he was supposed to go to his dads today but he cancelled again, he hasn't seen him in almost 2 weeks and my DS is confused.
But why do people have to stare?!
Today was the second time I've ever snapped at people in public, because dealing with my DS is hard enough, I don't need lots of pairs of eyes glaring at me as well. He's a child, with a disability, finding the day and surroundings hard. He's not a show.

I used to wish that DD had an identifiable disability, so that people would know she couldn't always help her odd behaviour.

I don't care so much what folk think of us these days, but she's 18 now and it was hard in the early years.

I bet you're doing a better job than some of the starers ever could... keep at it! x

Trollspoop Maybe us parents of children with asd should stick a note on our children's heads then.

My son's meltdowns involve slapping and biting himself. He is 11. It is clearly not a tantrum. We still get the tuts and muttering.

Because if not I would actually be quite amused at you head shaking at my parenting and screaming child when yours are doing the same

You find amusing to see my child being upset by another child? Charming. Don't wonder why I am judging you in the first place. I do remove my screaming child from any busy place, so I do judge parents who don't do that and have no respect for other people.

My older ones are told not to stare. They are free to say loudly that it's very rude to make a scene in a public place, they are only repeating what we tell them.

Will you still be removing your child in 5 years or 10 years time?

Sometimes people just want to help and are waiting to see if they can, I think.
Recently there was a woman pushing a buggy, raining, trying to get a 3/4yo to hurry up, she was trailing behind,crying. Mum looked like she was going to blow-I presume they were late for school.
Anyway, I rolled down my window and called out to her, she spun around was snapped "what?".
I asked her if she would like a lift, and she just changed. Smiled and said thanks but we are nearly there. I said "I've been there, don't worry" . I think she thought I was going to give out to her for shouting at her kid, but sometimes we are sympathising, not judging. and i say that as the mum of a kid with Aspergers who has had his meltdowns!
It's hard, you are doing brilliantly.

Not don't worry, I think a few people may read your post and learn a little about why public places are difficult for those on the spectrum.

I do remove my screaming child from any busy place, so I do judge parents who don't do that and have no respect for other people.

For some children that's not possible. When my DS was younger and would be crying his head off, in public, no amount of coaxing, shushing him etc would make him stop. I would then attempt to pick him up but he would resist, pull my hair, the crying gets worse. So I couldn't do that. What did work was, I moved away from him walking slowly, still crying of course but after 5 mins he would calm down and then walk slowly towards me. I would then, still keeping quiet, move slowly again, his crying would of lessened by now and we would walk home.

I did care about disrupting others after all the crying DS did, I cared hugely, probably some thought I was ignoring my DS as I didn't speak to him whilst he was crying. What those people failed to understand that if I tried to coax DS he would just cry even more. At the end of the day, my focus needs to be on DS, making sure his calm and safe so we can go home. I don't have the headspace to care what others think.

Will you still be removing your child in 5 years or 10 years time?

🙌🙌

I do parent my children, and I do tell them when they are being rude or have an unacceptable behaviour. When they are little, they tend to repeat it a bit too loudly. You should realise that it's a little bit confusing for little children that some children are allowed something they are not. it takes time.

Some of the stuff I'm reading on here reminds me why I am afraid to go out with my DS

Martin yep, with you there

Fuck that, disabled people do not belong tucked away out of sight so as not to distress the populace.

Martin, I agree with you. I don't know why I click on these threads.

It is upsetting, I have to stay away from these threads generally. We have a job to do as parents, fortune favours the brave (and there is always teatime gin when it all gets a bit much )

I do remove my screaming child from any busy place, so I do judge parents who don't do that and have no respect for other people.

Well it's not always possible is it? When it happens in a supermarket the shopping still needs to be done. If I remove him from the supermarket we still need to go back in again straight away, prolonging the length of the shopping trip and the distress it might cause ds if he's having one of his bad days. Why should my shopping trip last 2 hours just because he starts shouting on the cooked meat aisle and I instantly have to discard my shopping and take him outside. Also with having two other children with me as well, going in and out of the supermarket won't be much fun for them either.
It's better to get it all done as quickly as possible. If we need a quiet moment in a corner somewhere in the supermarket for 10 minutes whilst ds calms down then so be it. But we're not leaving the supermarket for other people's convenience.

Because my NT DC's are growing up with their Autistic DB they have developed tolerance and are very caring. No PA comments from them if we see others in distress or difficult situations while we're out and about. Maybe I am parenting my DC's afterall....

I had this today, busy primark, nearly 4 year old in a double buggy screeching and kicking out, instead of moving so I could put the noise cancelling headphones on (mid-day, thought people would be at work but obviously not) an elderly lady decided to stand right next to him shaking her head saying one of hers would never have behaved like that in public, must admit I did say 'I doubt one of yours is autistic thank you very much, now if you don't mind moving I can get him out of here and calm him down thanks'

It wasn't a nice tone of voice, but long longggg day so stuff 'em, if they're going to be rude

Another problem is that a lot of people don't believe Autism exists, and that it's just an excuse for children's "bad behaviour" and "bad parenting". It wouldn't surprise me if a lot of people who disregard Autsim are those who come out with silly statements such as, "my children would never have behaved like that" Obnoxious ignorant sods.

But Martin, what helped me develop a thick skin was having the 'This young person has autism' cards in my pocket - I have never actually given one out, but just having them somehow gave me confidence - and smiling sweetly at people who were looking daggers at me, which tended to blindside them.

My son is now an adult. Meltdowns are currently triggered by crying babies. But I don't stare and tut at the babies' parents.

And, to be honest, we meet with kindness or indifference most of the time. And the more we take our children and young people out (as long as we are doing things they will get something out of), the more people will see them, get to know who they are and accept them. We should not be intimidated into keeping our children out of sight and earshot.

And not, I think it's very gracious of you to apologise, it takes a lot to do that.

Codd I would like to come up against you in a supermarket when my disabled child is having a tantrum.

You shake your head at me and I would give you the full force of my anger.

My other children are fine, nothing wrong, and frankly if they see another child having a tantrum it's no skin off their nose. They will cope.

People like you belong to the dark ages, when people with disabilities were locked up. Ugh, you make my skin creep.