To ask people not to stare at my son

[AlletrixLeStrange]

I'm posting this here with the hope more people read it.
I have a son with ASD and today was a bad day, constant meltdowns, asking to go home and attempts to escape me but we had stuff we needed to do and no car with us (in the garage) so we couldn't just leave as we normally would.
I can deal with his meltdowns, he's my son and I've learnt how to cope with them. To be honest, a lot of it goes over the top of my head now and I won't play along with them unless I know he needs my direct attention.
I also know it's a bit shitty when you're trying to shop and there's a kid screaming next to you, but I just can't care about that.
He's having a difficult time out of routine and with the business of holidays, he was supposed to go to his dads today but he cancelled again, he hasn't seen him in almost 2 weeks and my DS is confused.
But why do people have to stare?!
Today was the second time I've ever snapped at people in public, because dealing with my DS is hard enough, I don't need lots of pairs of eyes glaring at me as well. He's a child, with a disability, finding the day and surroundings hard. He's not a show.

OP sorry about your day. You're doing the best with what you have.

Notthecarwashagain that video gave me a huge lump. I've never seen it before and it should be shown on TV.

I've pm'ed you also.

DS had tantrums everyday for years, it was hell, thankfully he has just about grown out of them.
It is embarrassing and humiliating when people stare but don't let it stop you from leaving the house.
I used to take him to the supermarket very early, so the walk in the dark was exciting and not too many people!

I know mission - I felt bad for people trying to help however in a very stressful and sometimes dangerous situation I was trying not just to calm my son but also to explain to someone that he needed space but thank them etc... just not enough time or energy to do it all.

There's nothing we can usually do - I wouldn't have a clue if I saw another person with child having a meltdown.

However what would help is if anyone here has a friend or a family member with a special needs child - then please do try and get to know them a little and offer support that way. That background help would make a huge difference!

notanevilstepmother
why the actual fuck would you drag him to the supermarket, the autistic equivalent of a torture chamber? For you and many others but many of the people i work with love going to the supermarket, one of their favourite outings!

OP, work on ignoring it the best you can. I work as a support worker and my whole job is getting clients out into the community. I work with late teens/adults and the staring still happens whether they are having a meltdown or not. I honestly think some people dont notice they are staring but then yes you get the ones who have 'that look'.

Yesterday my DD had a meltdown in public. I had one child safe and DD tried to run away. I grabbed her and she screamed even more.

Trying to calm her down and it didn't help. She screamed more and more. People were just staring.

One woman giving me dirty looks.

Ignore them and move on

You are right angry it's critical to focus on our kids - they could run off in a second - distraction from someone staring could mean we are not on the ball when we most need to.

Will never forget the time I was with DD in swimming pool queue and she was kicking off as dh can't bear waiting and kicking out, I was hanging on to her. She has obvious SN

Rather than letting us go ahead the man in front said "im waiying with 10 children who are waiting g nicely" to the staff in a snarky way. They were 10 girls aged about 10 or 11 who were standing chatting happily or looking at their phones. Some people are just arseholes.

As *she can't bear waiting. Dh can wait fine

Fair enough, some people with SN love the supermarket.

For me and I suspect many others with sensory difficulties it's hell.

Fluorescent lighting, noisy echoey high ceilings, stinky washing powder aisle, unpredictable people pushing metal trolleys about, trolleys make a funny clanking noise and banging into me, funny temperatures near the freezer aisle, noisy busy, beeping checkouts, I could go on. Supermarkets are not a nice place to be for me. That's without including screaming children and crying babies, etc.

Generally as an adult I've managed to make it out of the supermarket before actually melting down. It's not nice. It's horrible.

I suppose as notanevil it is worth OP and all of us either with ASD or kids with ASD to have a good look at what the stress points are -
Are they sensory overload?
Are they escaping demands?
Not cutting out all of these but organising the environment so that stressful situations are in smaller chunks or minimal.

My son doesn't mind supermarkets but doesn't like walking in anything but a straight line. Obviously if we did this we would just end up walking around the earth. However I got him used to this by getting online shopping - reducing need for shops - and going out in very small outings with lots of nice things to relieve the stress - building up to longer outings.

It is a public place so you have to be as tolerant as you expect others to be. Maybe they have anxiety and your child is upsetting them. It isn't easy but you can't just assume life is a breeze for everyone else. My husband has severe spinal problems that limit his mobility and a slight knock can mean he is bed bound in agony for weeks so forgive me if I look like I am staring when your child has a meltdown but I am probably ready to intervene if it looks like he might bump into my husband.

I can only go by the words you wrote in your OP, but if I saw a child doing as you describe and you were

"...a lot of it goes over the top of my head now and I won't play along..."

(Basically ignoring a distressed / tantruming child)
And

"I also know it's a bit shitty when you're trying to shop and there's a kid screaming next to you, but I just can't care about that."

Not giving a shite about your child's screaming affects ALL others around you.... I'd be staring at you.

There are lots of shite parents who act just like you've described and as a result, their children are badly behaved.

I'm sorry you're getting lumped in with them, as your situation is completely different.

Not I completely understand what you're saying and I'm sorry you're going through that. I know how difficult it is for him but for the past year or so he's got a lot better when out, I would never ever purposefully put him in a situation that I know plays havoc on his senses and distresses him, ever, I don't want that for him on top of everything else he goes through.
He was fine in the morning, we looked through our visual timetable for the day and he agreed (he would usually say something along the lines of "stay at home" if he doesn't want to do something - his speech and language isn't very good). I would usually take him home on request but I have said further up the post the car was in the garage so we couldn't go home and I did leave the supermarket and stand outside with him until a family member drove to help us. He does usually like the supermarket and I make a visual list for him so he can get involved.

Don't feel bad OP
Been there and got the t shirt even though my my ID stated which organisation I worked for
Just concentrate on you and your families needs

With respect to screaming in the supermarket or anywhere, the screaming may have nothing to do with being in the supermarket but have a completely different reason.
Some children with autism scream, shriek, hit themselves etc for a multitude of reasons and it can be nothing to do with where they currently are.

Spikeyball yes! Often he does it from excitement or because he's mimicking something he's remembered. Those are the times the stares and comments don't bother me though because I know he's happy in his own way

Trollspoop well maybe think next time and don't stare. Its not obligatory to convey your disapproval to people you think are bad parents and could cause distress to some.

I took my 18 week old son for his immunisations yesterday. As we left and walking through reception 2 women were staring at my ds. Not in a nice way and really obvious. I thought what they looking at? Then I remembered he had his hearing aids in. If people want to ask questions I'm absolutely fine about that but don't stare.

People who are shit parents wont care about disapproving stares anyway, so what's the point? Just to prove ones superiority?

I am very sorry, people are rude shits.

People stare at my best friend who has been going though chemo and I get the rage. I want to whack them on the head. Why stare? Isn't it obvious she's having a shit time? Isn't it bad enough for her? I don't know what they gain from staring and making other people feel even worse in what are, already, difficult situations.

Are used to hate it when people would stare at me, and a good friend of mine once told me to tell them " would you like a picture?

Now, I don't really care, but sometimes, if I am very upset I just say that, and it works.

Some people stare and then some people go the extra mile and witter something under their breath or say something loud and clear to you.

You have my sympathies OP. I have a son with ASD too and there are some right dickheads out there.
Like you I can cope with DS's meltdowns and crying/shouting in public. I am used to it now. It's the rude twats who judge/stare/make unwanted comments that make it bloody hard work. Just leave us parents the fuck alone and focus on your own lives!
We were shopping in asda earlier and ds was loud and not happy. Once I calmed him down he was fine and the rest of the shopping was quite easy. Luckily nobody interfered with their fucking unnecessary unwanted comments/stared at us or made some PA comment under their breath.
It's happened in the past though and people have been told to mind their own business. Especially when dp is with us- he doesn't mind telling someone get lost.

I wouldn't stare, but I definitely used to judge mothers (or fathers!) with screaming kids in the supermarket. Then I became a mum

This was me too :D

My world used to be so simplistic. Kids who screamed, it was their parents fault for not stopping them screaming...and so on. Then came my own children. I have so much sympathy now when I hear a child screaming in public where I used to be ridiculously judgey My neice has autism also so I am learning a lot more about the SN side of things, and I cannot imagine how hard it is going about your life with a child with SEN. I honestly applaud anyone who does it.

I still do think its pretty natural to stare though if a loud commotion is being made. And a lot of people will not even make the link that the child may have Autism or anything...because so many kids are just out of control these days so most would just assume 'brat tatrumming over being told no' or something...now that may be really wrong but thats how it is I suspect.

A while ago a lady on our bus started giving out these cards which stated her child was Autistic and please do not stare if he has a meltdown or anything as that can make everything worse. Maybe this would be a good option for you?