To ask people not to stare at my son

[AlletrixLeStrange]

I'm posting this here with the hope more people read it.
I have a son with ASD and today was a bad day, constant meltdowns, asking to go home and attempts to escape me but we had stuff we needed to do and no car with us (in the garage) so we couldn't just leave as we normally would.
I can deal with his meltdowns, he's my son and I've learnt how to cope with them. To be honest, a lot of it goes over the top of my head now and I won't play along with them unless I know he needs my direct attention.
I also know it's a bit shitty when you're trying to shop and there's a kid screaming next to you, but I just can't care about that.
He's having a difficult time out of routine and with the business of holidays, he was supposed to go to his dads today but he cancelled again, he hasn't seen him in almost 2 weeks and my DS is confused.
But why do people have to stare?!
Today was the second time I've ever snapped at people in public, because dealing with my DS is hard enough, I don't need lots of pairs of eyes glaring at me as well. He's a child, with a disability, finding the day and surroundings hard. He's not a show.

Severely disabled DS here!!! You get used to it!

It's hard. I just deliberately don't look at people at all. Tunnel vision. Then you don't see them staring.

Martin please if you can, try and take your DS out, even if it's for 15 mins every other day. The more you avoid things the more difficult it is going to be. When my DS was younger he used to shout and scream, in public, nearly every single day, it was very embarrassing. But I had no choice to take him out with me, I was and still am a single parent, online shopping is very expensive around where I'm from, DS had no choice but to come out with me every single where I went. DS is not like that anymore, thank God.

Someone recently, who knew of DS difficulties in the past was shocked that I take DS out with me , he was like "Oh my gosh, you go out with him !". Well yeah he is my child ?!! .

I knew of a parent (quite wealthy actually) her child doesn't have SEN but she was so embarrassed of his behaviour.To avoid this "embarrassment" ( she was also very over protective over him) she used to have her child be chauffeured everywhere. This child is now 10, he is clueless about road sense, he demands his parents to get a taxi, use their driver. He acts nervous going on trains / buses etc.

Not everyone staring is feeling hostile or judging you even if they don't smile, you know. As a compassionate adult, I find it confusing and upsetting to see a child behave this way, especially if they are way past the toddler stage. I may frown too when observing the situation but not out of anger or to control you but simply to process the situation.

People stare.

It's bad enough if a three year old stares but grown folks?

Unacceptable.

They need to learn to look away.

Yanbu. People are so rude. It's fine to look over to make sure everything's OK but once it's obvious that the child isn't in danger then people should have the decency to mind their own business.

Can i ask prople reading this thread not to do obvious things to stop their kids staring too please?

My child has obvious SN and its bad when kids stare but its even worse when you see parents physically turning their kids heads away.

People should just maybe smile and say hello :)

Don't people teach "it's rude to stare" anymore?
It's rude full stop. Just manners.

People are so quick to judge and want to find someone at fault when they see something they don't like. People can be dicks and have no idea of how you are living every day. They are insignificant. You and your dc are what matter

Bless you OP. It must be so hard. I have the utmost admiration for you.
Try to ignore.

My son is nearly 5 and sometimes has a complete meltdown when i drop him at school. He hasn't got any SEN he just hates mornings but i get the stares.

My DS has Tourettes (among other things) and has the most outrageous jumping tic at the moment. I'm having to actually force myself not to look around when we're out and he does it, because I'm on my last nerve- and may just lose my shit if I catch him being looked/smirked at.

I think that's all we can do- avoid looking at others and concentrate on keeping our DCs (and ourselves!) calm.

Hope tomorrow is better OP - you're doing great

Fuck everyone. Anyone judging you has no idea.

I've had spd panic attacks for years. I've fainted a lot. Acted weird. I've been accused of being a junkie, had to fill in accident insurance forms, been shouted at for being drunk. We do not choose it. We're unusual. People look.
Fuck it. Tell your son he's ok and it will all be fine.

I met my partner on an OLD site where I met many people similar to me. We look after each other. We're fine.

Everything will be ok. He sounds like me as a 12-18 year old. SPD is very much more recognised and respected than 15 years ago.

I'd be happy to give some perspective if you want to pm.

everything you need really!

I agree.

I saw ds psychologist today and talked about his behaviour when out.

I said I'm sure people look at me and wonder why I don't just stop my 12yo autistic son swearing and running off or head butting things! Then said to him I have learnt though that he can't help it and just shut them out and do what ds needs as then he'll learn.

Thank you for all the replies and
My reasons for posting this were firstly, because I needed a good rant and secondly to hopefully raise a little awareness of ASD, SPD and the likes ("hidden" disabilities we may say).

I am extremely british in my approach to this issue though often long for a pop up lollipop sign saying GET TAE FUCK!

I frequently come close to running gawpers over because they are so fucking busy rubber necking at my 8yo in SN buggy that they don't get outta the way, I have my raised eyebrow ice smile perfected but fucking hell my fist itches to punch every bastard who thinks frown gawping a child is an acceptable way to behave. Why can't they just smile and say hey? I try to boost and protect my dc's self esteem as much as possible but rude bastards make it oh so much harder

The reason I never take the bait btw is because it would not be fair to my dc and would draw attention to something I want to go unnoticed. The most a rubber necker will get from me is an "excuse me please" as I toe clip them for staring so hard they are not moving out of the way and in an unavoidable situation eg a lift I will peer at them hard and ask "are you alright?" - with the correct tone this simple question has made the starey bastard look away suitably shame faced everytime. Fucking pop eyed fuckers.

Sorry you're having a tough time. People stare all the time at anything. Sometimes it's their way of processing things and other times they are nosey individuals.

My ASD son stares at people he shouldn't sometimes. I tell him it's rude to stare and he doesn't like it when people stare at him. He gets stared at a lot. Most of the time I filter other people's rude comments out. Only twice I lost my shit at exceptionally rude comment makers, both times on buses, both told to fuck off.

It's worth remembering that many times the awful things that l people say or do in these situations technically makes it a disability hate crime.

Oh and I think many people are aware of hidden disabilities but sometimes it's not obvious so you might 'stare' to work out what's going on.

I'd also like you to bear in mind that loud screaming can be causing real problems for other people.

You say that like you're expecting her to do something about it I don't think she's "letting" her son scream for shits and giggles.

Unfortunately thats what people do, I have this a lot with my son who is autistic and likes to strip of in the middle of town.
It used to bother me but now I focus on my son and ignore the looks and tuts.
I guess some people dont know how to react to this kind of behaviour.

Yup some people are just rude and it is entirely acceptable to object to bearing the brunt of ignorant rudeness day in day out.

Rant away OP, you have every right to.

I think people just look because a noise and commotion attracts their attention. You don't have to feel hostile to them - they're most likely not judging you.

I was at the supermarket at the weekend and a woman was stressed and harassed trying to stuff her melting down child into a trolley seat. I stood and observed for a moment and then went forward to offer to hold the trolley for her so she could focus on getting his hysterical, stiff little body into the seat. She was grateful and explained that he is autistic. If I'd just kept my head turned away and walked past then this wouldn't have happened and she'd have had to struggle alone.

I disagree that it's rude to pay attention to people who are in distress or acting out of the ordinary.