Clare's Law - WWYD

[IppyDippyTippy]

My last relationship with the father of my DC was very abusive, and I'm terrified of starting something with someone else. I've been single for 4 years.

I've been on two dates with a really nice guy. On paper we're perfect for each other, and we chat for hours online. There's a real chance this could turn into something. He's very patient with me, as his DM was abused by both his father and his step father, so he understands. Him and his ex wife lost a baby, he's always wanted DC, and specifically wants to date some one with DC. He's met my DDs, and loves them.

What I'm confused about is whether, if this turns into something serious, I should ask him if I could do a Clare's Law check on him, given my history of DA, and that I have two young DDs to protect. I don't want to insult him, but if he has nothing to hide, then surely he won't mind. Or would he? Is it odd that he wants to date a woman with two young daughters?

WWYD? Would I BU to ask him?

I've read as the thread and agree with all the advice about keeping the OP's DDs safe, not meeting kids for months etc.

This is a genuine question - I have anxiety so my instincts can sometimes be a bit off.

I'm a single woman, 42, no kids (just never met the right person). I'd be very happy to meet a guy with children.

Most men my age have children and I think kids are pretty fun to be around. I have nieces, nephews and godchildren who I love spending time with - and would never ever hurt a child or do anything weird or questionable.

I'd never try to replace anyone's mum and would be very if a man I was seeing suggested I meet their kids too soon.

Is it ok to say on dating sites that I'd like to meet someone with kids, or does this make me sound as dodgy as the man in the OP??

(As I said, my anxiety can warp my judgements sometimes...)

Parma I've never done OLD but I would suggest not specifically mentioning it in your profile, and then on dates mentioning your nieces and nephews and godchildren and stuff you do with them. That way is doesn't come across as you having an agenda, and it doesn't make you a target for men who may want a household/childcare skivvy iyswim

Parma - you could maybe say you don't mind children, as some people do not want to date people with children and some do, but actively saying would like partner to have children is a but like you're looking fit children as much as a partner iyswim.

Some people might think that if you're single with no kids it's been through choice so if they have children they might be concerned you wouldn't like it automatically. So if you put something like you don't mind children, or potentials with children welcome (I can't think of quite the right phrase, tired!) that would cover it.

((((((((((Cyber Hugs)))))))))) OP

I think in the back of your mind you already Knew. but wanted others permission or Guidance to End it

Parma; don't mention that you'd like to meet someone with kids, it would sound creepy. Depending on the site, most ask if you want kids and you can click yes or open.

Men with kids will contact you whether you have them or not but a childless person who says they specifically want to meet someone with kids will be viewed with suspicion. It's different if you have kids and are looking for someone who understands that they come first.

I'm just curious - more than one pp has said that this moved very fast. I'm confused. If you don't take advice then someone has a go at you, but if you do take advice then that's also not good enough. He was bad news, I realised it and got rid of him. What was I supposed to to, to those who seem to have a problem with it.

You started the thread by saying:

I've been on two dates with a really nice guy. On paper we're perfect for each other, and we chat for hours online. There's a real chance this could turn into something. He's very patient with me, as his DM was abused by both his father and his step father, so he understands. Him and his ex wife lost a baby, he's always wanted DC, and specifically wants to date some one with DC. He's met my DDs, and loves them

Then a few hours later, on the advice of some people off the internet, you pretty much decide he's a paedophile and dump him.

You also introduced him to your kids after 2 dates, despite saying you are "terrified" of starting to date. Which is completely unbelievable rather unusual.

SmileEachDay

I agree with you. I'm worried that the OP will be sweet talked back by this guy into letting him molest her kids and then she won't come back to mumsnet because she'll feel bad about not following the advice here.

IppyDippyTippy: STOP DATING. You have absolutely no judgment and you are currently actively endangering your children's lives. A guy wearing a pedophile t-shirt and with a little card that said "ask me about my child molestation" knocked on your door and you were still about to ask him into your house.

I don't think you are being honest about how you really feel. I think you are going along with the posters here because they are making you feel good about yourself in the same way that you'll go along with this guy or any other guy because he makes you feel good about yourself.

You need to be much more honest about why you decided to let this man meet your children after 2 dates. Until you are actually honest with yourself, it will keep happening. If you don't want to get honest with yourself, then either stop dating or resolve to never allow any man you date to meet your children until they are all over 18.

Sorry to be blunt but all the "you go girl!" messages are giving false hope. You are still in extreme danger from this man and you need to understand that.

You are still in extreme danger from this man and you need to understand that.

Actually, no, I'm not. I feel nothing for him. There's no way I'll let him back into my life, and I've told him so.

If you look a few posts down from my OP, you'll see I said that I had an uncomfortable feeling about him. I think the whole reason I posted on here was because I felt uneasy. If you meet a lovely guy the first thing you think isn't: 'Should I do a Clare's Law check on him', is it? I knew something was wrong, and all the opinions her just strengthened that feeling.

It didn't move fast - I just did what I felt was right.