Clare's Law - WWYD

[IppyDippyTippy]

My last relationship with the father of my DC was very abusive, and I'm terrified of starting something with someone else. I've been single for 4 years.

I've been on two dates with a really nice guy. On paper we're perfect for each other, and we chat for hours online. There's a real chance this could turn into something. He's very patient with me, as his DM was abused by both his father and his step father, so he understands. Him and his ex wife lost a baby, he's always wanted DC, and specifically wants to date some one with DC. He's met my DDs, and loves them.

What I'm confused about is whether, if this turns into something serious, I should ask him if I could do a Clare's Law check on him, given my history of DA, and that I have two young DDs to protect. I don't want to insult him, but if he has nothing to hide, then surely he won't mind. Or would he? Is it odd that he wants to date a woman with two young daughters?

WWYD? Would I BU to ask him?

I've been on two dates with a really nice guy. On paper we're perfect for each other, and we chat for hours online. There's a real chance this could turn into something. He's very patient with me, as his DM was abused by both his father and his step father, so he understands. Him and his ex wife lost a baby, he's always wanted DC, and specifically wants to date some one with DC. He's met my DDs, and loves them.

That's not how your OP read, OP.

Thanks ippy.

My life is much better now. I highly recommend having some counselling or doing the freedom program to help with boundaries and self esteem before any more dating.

I also don't find it odd that you don't have his number. The man I was abused by had my number and address long before I had his. Later he had a key to my house but never gave me a key to his house. All ways of keeping the relationship unequal and on his terms.

It's all the little things that make up the whole, isn't it. Classic case of not seeing the wood for the trees.

Exactly! And as loup pointed out, somethings the little things are so small we can't see them, but then our instincts tell us that something is definitely wrong.

OP, this is not so much "not seeing the wood for the trees", this is you blindfolding yourself and taking your DDs along for the joyride.

You introduced them to a stranger whose phone number you don't even know because you wanted him to see the whole package? You say this is the first man you've dated since their dad, so why did you dump your own rules so quickly?

Chin up OP everyone learns from experience, and I think you just have. Message him and say I have too much going on at the moment to think about a relationship that seems to have propelled forward so quickly which makes me uncomfortable...or, say 'your obsession with my DDs is making me very uneasy, I don't think things can go further'. Obviously your call but you sound like you know what you will be doing. Good luck with everything and don't doubt yourself in any way

How can he love your kids ... two dates only and he "loves" them.

Yep he's weird.

Also you sound ace, stop putting yourself down - and who cares if you are larger. Lots of men LOVE that

How in gods name did you not block him when he said the tickling thing OP? I really really hope you are being serious about seeing the light. Hands down this man is a molester

Ippy kudos to you for being receptive on your thread

May I reiterate ,Google "The Shark Cage" PsychOzPublications. I found this so helpful, and I think you would too.
And kinda feeling grateful cause you're not that young and not that thin - pah! You, just as you are, you are worth so much more.

Even if he is completely innocent, I'd never want him near me or my DDs again.

Thank god for that. Do not become friends with this man.

I didn't want to be be nasty, in case he is innocent, so I sent him this message:

You and I get along very well on paper, but tbh, there is no spark between us, and we're uncomfortable around each other, so I can't really see this going anywhere.

Is that OK? Now awaiting his reply, but I think he already has an inkling, since I completely ignored him yesterday had a Netflix binge.

Ippy - that's good, but you should also be thinking along the lines of you don't want to be nasty in case he's going to be awkward with you as much as in case he's innocent (this goes for any potential partner not just this one in particular). .

It doesn't pay to be extremely apologetic or extremely direct with people you hardly know. Just be pleasant but a bit vague, like your message.

Additionally, if he tries to draw you into an exchange from here on, I would consider not responding at all. Nothing says "not interested" like no response.

To be honest, and it's a long story, but I was in your position, and with hindsight ... Please don't let this man see your children again until after Christmas AT LEAST. And yes that was a bit shouty but I learned the hard way.

A friend of mine was seeing a man for 3 years and he still hadn't met her son because she didn't want him to. I wish I'd been that strong.

Yes, that message is fine

I wouldn't have put " i don't think it's going to work" i'd have said it won't

But atleast you've done it now. I feel sick at the thought of your daughters being around that creep

Sorry the " i can't see this going anywhere " to " it's not going anywhere " actually no i'd have just told him it was over

Well, he's sent me a long reply, but this is the important part:

"Well, did say was looking for friendship & see how it goes, as for boy/girlfriend, no I doubt that would be the outcome."

Still doesn't take away from the fact he was very interested in my DDs. Either way, he's out of my life .

Good luck OP stick to your guns. I came out of an abusive relationship and after a couple of years being single ended up in a very bad relationship with a very dangerous man.

I thought because I had been single so long I had given myself time to recover but the second I stepped foot into that relationship pool my own boundaries just flew out of the window. Sounds like you have done exactly as I did. You have seen it for what it is so don't be suckered into continuing with it out of some sense of being nice.

you dodged a bullet there OP. He sounds creepy

OP, I think the fact that you had to have this excessively weird and dangerous behaviour pointed out to you by a load of randoms on the internet means that you should not be dating at all until your children have left home and maybe not even then!

lol MsGame - perhaps you're right . Like I said though - I did feel there was something 'off', and the idea of him kissing me gave me the creeps.

I did doge a bullet. He's send me another long message, basically turning it all around, and making it sound like I'm the unstable one, that I talk too much etc etc. Pretty much what my abusive ex used to do, and still does. He's also suddenly changed his tune, saying that he never wanted anything more than friendship, and that the reason he was uncomfortable around me was because of the DDs.

Good riddance!

You're well shot of him!

And now he's trying to sweet talk me again. I'm just going to ignore him now. I don't need this headfuckery in my life.

Thank you all so much for your advice and support - I needed to hear that my uneasy feeling was justified, and you lot did just that.

Block block block!!

Loud alarm ringing here . My DD met a guy online who she thought was perfect . Everything was so rushed - meeting DGS, moving in etc etc - but she wouldn't listen so I put in a request under Clare's Law ( not sure about rest of UK but here in Scotland anyone can do it). Turned out he had a police record for domestic abuse plus banned from seeing his kids . Took a while for DD to take it all in but she dumped him thank God. Be careful .