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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Clare's Law - WWYD

209 replies

IppyDippyTippy · 31/05/2017 18:02

My last relationship with the father of my DC was very abusive, and I'm terrified of starting something with someone else. I've been single for 4 years.

I've been on two dates with a really nice guy. On paper we're perfect for each other, and we chat for hours online. There's a real chance this could turn into something. He's very patient with me, as his DM was abused by both his father and his step father, so he understands. Him and his ex wife lost a baby, he's always wanted DC, and specifically wants to date some one with DC. He's met my DDs, and loves them.

What I'm confused about is whether, if this turns into something serious, I should ask him if I could do a Clare's Law check on him, given my history of DA, and that I have two young DDs to protect. I don't want to insult him, but if he has nothing to hide, then surely he won't mind. Or would he? Is it odd that he wants to date a woman with two young daughters?

WWYD? Would I BU to ask him?

OP posts:
Ahmezia · 31/05/2017 18:50

You said you wouldn't normally introduce a man to your children so soon so how did it happen this time? Did he engineer it into occurring?

Huge red flags if a man in his 50s specifically wanting a woman with children Shock ! No way. I do OLD and I run a mile from any men who show any interest in my children other than a passing acknowledgement of their existence.

If you're already getting uncomfortable vibes knock it on the head. You haven't even kissed and he's met your children suggests to me that it's not actually you he's interested in.

DawnOfTheMombie · 31/05/2017 18:51

Huge red flag with screaming loud bells on OP Sad

Sack him off, now.

Creep.

ThePinkOcelot · 31/05/2017 18:51

I think the not wanting to kiss him and being uncomfortable around him is down to more than not being with a man for a long time. I think if you were in to him, you would want to kiss the face off him!

Original poster
IppyDippyTippy · 31/05/2017 18:53

Leda - I did say I wondered if I should use it should the relationship go further. Clare's law is only used in an intimate relationship, and our is not that yet.

But you're all right - I suppose it just feels nice that someone seems to like me for who I am, warts and all, and that I am flattered. But there are too many doubts. He said he felt honoured to have met my DDs, but I've had this feeling... don't know how to explain it. Just that something, can't put my finger on it, is not right.

OP posts:
SmileEachDay · 31/05/2017 19:00

The other thing I'm wondering is why he already knows so much about your abused background- enough that he "understands" and "is patient". Is it worth looking at your own boundaries in terms of sharing very sensitive personal info with someone you have only met in person twice?

LedaP · 31/05/2017 19:00

Clare's law is only used in an intimate relationship, and our is not that yet.

Actually people not in an intimate relationship can make requests under clares law.

But also why whould you even be wondering it when you have no interest in being with him? You dont eant to kiss him, you dont feel comfortable around him, the fact he is happy you have kids makes you uncomfortable (but you still introduced them on your second date) shows you dont want to be with him.

So clares law is pointless to you.

BadTasteFlump · 31/05/2017 19:01

Trust your instincts and ditch him op. If it doesn't feel right, it isn't right.

I wouldn't be happy from the off about a man with no DC wanting specifically to meet a woman with DC. If he had kids of his own, fair enough, it can be easier with somebody who also has those responsibilities, but none of his own and being so eager to meet yours? Just no.

Waltermittythesequel · 31/05/2017 19:01

You've no right to potentially endanger your dc like this.

You've no right to mess with their heads, are they young enough to believe he's just a friend?

And you've certainly no right to have a go at your ex for introducing new girlfriends if you do the same, and sooner!

happypoobum · 31/05/2017 19:01

but there's a kind of uncomfortable feeling when I'm with him. This could be nerves I guess, but...

Darling this is your gut screaming at you. Please listen.

AuroraBora · 31/05/2017 19:02

I agree with a PP (well actually all PPs!). Everything else aside, if you can't stand the thought of kissing him then he isn't for you. In the first few weeks of a relationship you should be all over each other and gagging for it.

You don't need a man, so tell him that it isn't working and get rid of him!

QueenofEsgaroth · 31/05/2017 19:02

OP have some self respect, you need a self esteem boost, you are a fabulous mumsnetter with the sisterhood behind you.

If you go on a third fourth or fifth date with any man do it because he is single and lovely and you are gasping to rip the trousers off him.

Not because he is good on paper or any other such nonsense and no dc involvement until you have checked all bells whistles and fireworks are a go and you have navigated the honeymoon phase. Now go forth and have fun, ditch Mr50 by text on the way out and think no more of him!

BadTasteFlump · 31/05/2017 19:03

Also what smile says. He knows way too much about your life for only having had two dates... But maybe thats the danger of online dating - you can chat for hours and get a false sense of security & intimacy with somebody you really don't know at all.

LoupGarou · 31/05/2017 19:05

I suppose it just feels nice that someone seems to like me for who I am, warts and all, and that I am flattered

That is textbook grooming. And the using talking online to falsely create a "deeper" relationship more quickly. The uncomfortable feeling is your instincts screaming to you that its fake and that he's trying to groom you.

Even if he is innocent. Is it worth it? Is it worth going against your instincts with all the red flags and taking the risk?

StarHeartDiamond · 31/05/2017 19:05

Ippy - 2nd date is too soon to introduce s new guy to your dcs, even if it's "just as a friend" and you haven't yet kissed. (But you know that).

The point is that even without dcs in your life, everyone should tread carefully at the start of a new relationship. There are guys out there who can and so inveigle their way into your life at the earliest opportunity, e.g. swapping business cards/facebook details with your friend and family; making connections outside of your fledgling relationship (if you can call it that) so you will find it far harder to bin them at a later stage if you decide they aren't for you. There are some damaged guys out there too who are looking not for a new partner but a new life and friends and will hang onto them when decent guys would fade away into the past respectfully. So it's not just the potential risk to your dcs (although that is the biggie) but to your own security and right to privacy and peace after you have split up (even if it never really took off). That's why you should pause until you are sure they are a decent sort.

To be honest I think he should have asked you when you suggested the bbq invite if it wasn't too soon to be meeting your friends/family, especially dcs, and excused himself.

Please have a read of Dangerous Relationships book (or similar) if you are feeling rusty on the creepometer front. It will help you identify the innocent looking gestures from the genuinely innocent at the start of a new relationship.

That book mainly features dv cases but you can also get entangled with someone who is emotionally violent but doesn't lay a finger on you, both are bad.

Well done for asking advice on here, keep communication with people who can offer experience advice or with those who know and love you in real life.

Original poster
IppyDippyTippy · 31/05/2017 19:07

Darling this is your gut screaming at you. Please listen.

I am going to listen. I promise. I will tell him we can be friends, but no more. And then see how that goes. But he won't be allowed around the DDs anymore 'till I'm certain of him. If we continue our friendship - big if.

My DDs are 8.

OP posts:
MrsPicklesonSmythe · 31/05/2017 19:09

Basically you've been on 2 dates with a bloke you don't fancy.

Move on. I dont understand why you'd want to carry this on.

QueenofEsgaroth · 31/05/2017 19:10

NO NO NO!

You are not his friend ffs, grow a backbone and bin, delete from everywhere and stop with the doormatting!

Bubblesagain · 31/05/2017 19:11

I will tell him we can be friends
Genuinely why? Your not friends at the minute your basically strangers, of your iffy about him, you feel uncomfortable, you were considering using Claire's law, why ask to be friends?

RoseTico · 31/05/2017 19:11

If you feel something isn't right - end it. I don't see any reason for you to hang on in there, all you are going to do is try to talk yourself out of what your instincts are telling you.

SweetLuck · 31/05/2017 19:11

Why the hell are you telling him you can be friends? It's like you think that you owe him something because he has deigned to be interested in you. Seriously OP, it sounds like you have no boundaries. YOU OWE THIS MAN NOTHING!!!

LedaP · 31/05/2017 19:12

Why do want to be friends with someone you think might be just trying to access to your dds?

Why are you, even now, making a plan and thinking about if he may ever see them in the future?

OfficerVanHalen · 31/05/2017 19:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Elendon · 31/05/2017 19:14

Your DC meet strangers every day so do not feel bad at all about the introduction. However, after two dates suggests that you have fallen for him lock stock and barrel and he for you?

However, if you have an inkling that something isn't right then go with this. Instinct is a clever indicator and shouldn't be ignored. You can check him out without him knowing.

QueenofEsgaroth · 31/05/2017 19:14

OP needs to watch Raised By Wolves

"You're standing like a victim, sort yourself out!"

Elendon · 31/05/2017 19:15

Officer Other people might be reading this thread and taking in the great suggestions. Smile