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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Clare's Law - WWYD

209 replies

IppyDippyTippy · 31/05/2017 18:02

My last relationship with the father of my DC was very abusive, and I'm terrified of starting something with someone else. I've been single for 4 years.

I've been on two dates with a really nice guy. On paper we're perfect for each other, and we chat for hours online. There's a real chance this could turn into something. He's very patient with me, as his DM was abused by both his father and his step father, so he understands. Him and his ex wife lost a baby, he's always wanted DC, and specifically wants to date some one with DC. He's met my DDs, and loves them.

What I'm confused about is whether, if this turns into something serious, I should ask him if I could do a Clare's Law check on him, given my history of DA, and that I have two young DDs to protect. I don't want to insult him, but if he has nothing to hide, then surely he won't mind. Or would he? Is it odd that he wants to date a woman with two young daughters?

WWYD? Would I BU to ask him?

OP posts:
bimbobaggins · 31/05/2017 18:31

You've only been on two dates with him and he's already met your children. What do you mean there's a kind of uncomfortable feeling with him?

I think it's strange that he's specifically said he wants to meet someone with dc. Ask him about the Clare's law check and see how he reacts

Definite red flags for me

prettywhiteguitar · 31/05/2017 18:31

Sorry loads of typos
A man who you're dating

WellErrr · 31/05/2017 18:32

Why do you need to ask?

LoupGarou · 31/05/2017 18:33

Agree. Trust your instincts. If you get a bad vibe run a mile, like all animals humans have an instinctive ability to spot predators on the hunt. Sounds ridiculous but its true, we are just taught too often to ignore our instincts to conform with societal niceties. Ignore what he's saying, that's just a smokescreen - watch what he's doing/how he is making you feel.

lalalalyra · 31/05/2017 18:34

Do not ignore your instinct. If you get a bad feeling when you are around him why are you thinking about going on with this relationship?

OfficerVanHalen · 31/05/2017 18:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bubblesagain · 31/05/2017 18:35

I wouldn't ask him if it's ok, you barely know him you have no idea how he will react, if your wanting to do it, don't ask or tell him just go to it, but with the feelings your having and the red flags I'd be tempted to just ditch him and take it far slower next time.

lalalalyra · 31/05/2017 18:36

Even if you do a Clare's law check do not ignore your instincts.

Every person who is convincted of something would have had a clear check at one point...

HildaOg · 31/05/2017 18:36

A childless man who can have children of his own, specifically wanting a woman with children, who meets them immediately and who claims to love those children he barely knows, is at best, lying and telling you what you want to hear, there are other possibilities...

Clares law allows you to access information already known to the police. It doesn't give you information not yet known.

A child is forty times more at risk of abuse when you bring an unrelated adult male into the home. Certain men target vulnerable single mothers to get at their kids. Or sometimes they target them because they see them as more likely to tolerate domestic abuse because they believe they can't get anyone better.

Whatever his game is, be wary. This isn't a red flag, it's a huge, loud red alarm spinning around his head.

Original poster
IppyDippyTippy · 31/05/2017 18:36

Define uncomfortable feeling Ippy. In what way?

He's attractive enough, and we get on really well, but when I think of him kissing me (we haven't yet), it find the thought very offputting. But then I haven't been intimate with a man for almost 9 years. He also seems a bit uncomfortable around me, but he's been single for 6 years as well, so I don't know if it's just nerves on both our parts.

OP posts:
QueenofEsgaroth · 31/05/2017 18:37

Instinct is there for a reason, pay attention and give yours more credit OP. Your posts are asking for us to validate your concerns, you don't need us to - the decision was already made the second you had that hinky feeling.

Never doubt yourself. Good relationships don't start with that sort of niggle. Trust your gut!

ViveLesVacances · 31/05/2017 18:38

I hear alarm bells OP. Also, think about the fact that if he's looking to date someone with children - even if it's not sinister, which it could well be, he's looking to fill a "daddy" role. Do you want that? Do you want that immediately?

neonrainbow · 31/05/2017 18:38

What fucking hypocrisy. I hope your kids dad find out you've introduced a complete stranger to his kids and calls you out on your double standards.

Kokusai · 31/05/2017 18:39

I'd be highly suspicious of someone who explicitly wanted to date a previously abused woman with young children. He already knows your boundaries are screwey.

Do Clare's law. Don't tell him. Walk away if you have a bad feeling.

SweetLuck · 31/05/2017 18:41

If you find the thought of him kissing you off putting, that is a cast iron reason from r date no.3 not t to happen. And you not being with a guy for 9 years has nothing to do with that.

StarHeartDiamond · 31/05/2017 18:42

Yes, how did the BBQ come about where he was there at the same time as your dc? This is a really important piece of information and I am genuinely curious to know.

Original poster
IppyDippyTippy · 31/05/2017 18:43

You've all given me much to think about. We get on very well, but that uncomfortable feeling, as well as feeling that he's not the one for me, at lest not long term, won't go away. I always promised myself that next time I date someone, the 'it' has to be there, and it it's not, then I won't do it. The 'it' is not there with him. And of course, my DDs have to come first.

OP posts:
SweetLuck · 31/05/2017 18:44

It sounds like the BBQ came about because the OP wanted him to see them as a 'whole package' Confused

SilentlyScreamingAgain · 31/05/2017 18:44

Putting everything else aside, it's an awful idea to date someone you don't want to kiss.

I appreciate that it's difficult to value yourself after an abusive relationship but I promise you, you're worth more than that.

JaneEyre70 · 31/05/2017 18:44

If he has always wanted children, he'd want his own....not a ready made family. That in itself would be ringing my alarm bells. For your sake and your DDs slow this right down, and certainly don't let him be around your children until you are 100% positive that this could be something. Meeting kids on your 2nd date is utterly horrifying to be honest.

Original poster
IppyDippyTippy · 31/05/2017 18:45

I was having a bbq with some friends and I invited him - looking back, that was pretty stupid of me Sad.

OP posts:
harderandharder2breathe · 31/05/2017 18:45

You don't want to kiss him, you feel uncomfortable. WHY are you dating him?

NellieBuff · 31/05/2017 18:46

I have alarm bells ringing here. And never let anyone meet your DC on the second date even at a BBQ. Put your DC first and take this relationship very very slowly although I would be inclined to stop it now,

LedaP · 31/05/2017 18:48

Clares law really doesnt matter in this situation. It looks like you are looking for an excuse to ditch him.

You say you can see it going somewhere but also that 'it' is not there. So why can you see it going somewhere?

Using Clares law when you have been on two dates and know the relationship isnt what you want, is taking the piss out of clares law and wasting police time.

OnionKnight · 31/05/2017 18:49

Why are you with him?