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AIBU?

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Original poster

Clare's Law - WWYD

209 replies

IppyDippyTippy · 31/05/2017 18:02

My last relationship with the father of my DC was very abusive, and I'm terrified of starting something with someone else. I've been single for 4 years.

I've been on two dates with a really nice guy. On paper we're perfect for each other, and we chat for hours online. There's a real chance this could turn into something. He's very patient with me, as his DM was abused by both his father and his step father, so he understands. Him and his ex wife lost a baby, he's always wanted DC, and specifically wants to date some one with DC. He's met my DDs, and loves them.

What I'm confused about is whether, if this turns into something serious, I should ask him if I could do a Clare's Law check on him, given my history of DA, and that I have two young DDs to protect. I don't want to insult him, but if he has nothing to hide, then surely he won't mind. Or would he? Is it odd that he wants to date a woman with two young daughters?

WWYD? Would I BU to ask him?

OP posts:
SmileEachDay · 31/05/2017 18:14

It doesn't matter if the second date was at a barbecue. I wouldn't introduce my DC to a new partner until I'd been steadily dating for 6 months minimum. I'd go out of my way to ensure it didn't happen, including not inviting new man to barbecues where DC were.

PotteringAlong · 31/05/2017 18:15

He's met them once. He doesn't love them.

DancingLedge · 31/05/2017 18:16

And don't get in too deep,, until you've done the Freedom programme. Out of one abusive relationship, you are very vulnerable. Cause anyone who can act halfway decent feels like Mr Wonderful. And abusive men have very good radar for this.

Sorry if this is all cold water. Maybe he's for real. But, you're vulnerable. Google Shark Cage, and ask yourself how yours is.

EnglandKeepMyBones · 31/05/2017 18:17

At a BBQ or not, I'll repeat the question - why has he met your children after two dates? That is way, way too soon.

Trb17 · 31/05/2017 18:18

Agree with above. Way too soon for him to meet DC.

Red flags galore if he said he wanted to date someone with children.

As for Clare's Law, I'd insist on it with any new partner but I wouldn't rely on that alone as it will only show his past that's known.

niccyb · 31/05/2017 18:19

I wouldn't have introduced someone to my kids after 2 dates. At the BBQ, was he introduced as a friend and not as a date i.e. No kissing etc?

DearMrDilkington · 31/05/2017 18:19

Ugh poor kids.

Alarm bells are ringng for this guy, but you won't stop seeing him, will you?

QueenofEsgaroth · 31/05/2017 18:21

That right there is a wolf in Grandma's clothing, protect your children!

Original poster
IppyDippyTippy · 31/05/2017 18:22

Thanks all. I've done the Freedom Program, and am currently doing the Stronger Families Course.

I would never usually introduce the DDs to anyone new so quick. In fact, I've told their DF off for introducing him to every single one of his new g/friends (every couple of months). I suppose it was stupid of me Confused. I suppose on one level I felt he should see the whole package deal before he decided if he wanted to take it further with me - I'm in my 40s and he's in his 50s, so we're not exactly spring chickens.

He doesn't 'love' them as such - sorry, wrong choice of words. He thinks they're terrific kids.

OP posts:
TheLuminaries · 31/05/2017 18:23

Did you meet him online? And did he state he wanted to meet a woman with young children? Honestly, that sounds dodgy, I would back right off. No access to your children, at all, on any occasion. I would fear his motives.

MargotLovedTom1 · 31/05/2017 18:23

He's not likely to say anything other than that!

LoupGarou · 31/05/2017 18:25

I've been thinking about this again and I agree with PP. Red flags all over the place. Sounds like he's telling you what you want to hear.

I agree about the shark cage analogy too, very important reading for anyone who has suffered abuse.

Original poster
IppyDippyTippy · 31/05/2017 18:25

niccyb - he was introduced as a friend, and I made it quite clear to the DDs that it was only the second time I've met him, and that he was just a friend.

DearMr - I have my doubts about him. Like I said, on paper we're perfect for each other, but there's a kind of uncomfortable feeling when I'm with him. This could be nerves I guess, but...

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 31/05/2017 18:26

Why do you need to ask him OP?

LedaP · 31/05/2017 18:26

Why have you complained that their DF does it, then done it yourself?

Surely you have a reason you dont like it when he does it. Why does that reason not apply to you?

He isnt going to say he doesnt like your kids. Regardless of his intentions.

SmileEachDay · 31/05/2017 18:27

It really feels as though you are tearing into this at a rate of knots - 2 dates! That's not the stage where you're making decisions about whole packages and taking it further!!

I wonder if the hours of online talking have lead to a feeling of false intimacy? Made you feel like you're further in than you are? I know I've fallen foul of that in the past.

Chill..2 dates...right now you should just be deciding if date 3 is the time to reveal the most embarrassing thing on your playlist....Wink

Mide7 · 31/05/2017 18:28

I don't think you can just ask for a Clare's law check without anything suspicious happening can you?

LedaP · 31/05/2017 18:28

You dont like the vibe you get around him....but can see it turning into something?

lalalalyra · 31/05/2017 18:28

I made it quite clear to the DDs that it was only the second time I've met him, and that he was just a friend.

How old are your DDs?

Did he specifically want to meet someone with children or someone with young children?

How did the BBQ come about? Who instigated both he and the children being there?

SmileEachDay · 31/05/2017 18:28

X post.
Trust your instincts. If you're uncomfortable, back off. Straight away, with no backward glance.

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 31/05/2017 18:29

Alarm bells are ringing if having children is a specific request

This.

As for meeting your DC after only two dates, I am horrified and seeing red flags all over the show,

TitaniasCloset · 31/05/2017 18:29

What's the freedom program? How do you do it?

ThePinkOcelot · 31/05/2017 18:29

Define uncomfortable feeling Ippy. In what way?

Mollie85 · 31/05/2017 18:30

If you have your doubts, end it.

Seriously, even if he's "perfect on paper". Our instincts are there for a reason.

prettywhiteguitar · 31/05/2017 18:30

Not sure that asking s man if your dating if it's ok if you use Claire's law is the point of the law. You don't tell him you just do it.

You are feeling uncomfortable and I think that should be your red flag. Why do you feel uncomfortable?

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