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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Clare's Law - WWYD

209 replies

IppyDippyTippy · 31/05/2017 18:02

My last relationship with the father of my DC was very abusive, and I'm terrified of starting something with someone else. I've been single for 4 years.

I've been on two dates with a really nice guy. On paper we're perfect for each other, and we chat for hours online. There's a real chance this could turn into something. He's very patient with me, as his DM was abused by both his father and his step father, so he understands. Him and his ex wife lost a baby, he's always wanted DC, and specifically wants to date some one with DC. He's met my DDs, and loves them.

What I'm confused about is whether, if this turns into something serious, I should ask him if I could do a Clare's Law check on him, given my history of DA, and that I have two young DDs to protect. I don't want to insult him, but if he has nothing to hide, then surely he won't mind. Or would he? Is it odd that he wants to date a woman with two young daughters?

WWYD? Would I BU to ask him?

OP posts:
RoseTico · 31/05/2017 19:16

I will tell him we can be friends, but no more.

If you are getting some kind of bad/creepy vibe from him, why encourage him to stay in your life?

Original poster
IppyDippyTippy · 31/05/2017 19:20

That is not true Officer - I am listening, really listening. This is all validating the uneasy feeling I already had.

I did wonder, after our second date, about the fact that he hasn't actually shown any physical interest in me, or even reached out to touch my arm or anything like that. It's like he's not wanting to be with me, but was very interested in my DDs every move. I'm a large lady, and he told me that doesn't matter. I suppose that's another reason I was flattered by the attention.

You guys have sent all my alarm bells ringing, and I shall tell him it's a no go. I'll sort myself, my weight, and my head out first before I even consider any relationship with anyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
IppyDippyTippy · 31/05/2017 19:24

You know what's ridiculous? I'm a long-time MNer (name changed for this), and I've so often given people the same advice you guys have just given me. Odd that we can't see it when it our own lives/situations. I feel so foolish now lol. You guys are the best Flowers.

OP posts:
LoupGarou · 31/05/2017 19:25

Really don't be friends with him still - all that will do is give him the chance to play the long game and get better at worming his way past your defenses and building your trust. The only thing that will chance with time is that the familiarity will falsely lower your defenses and you'll start being more dismissive of the red flags.

You know those bits in horror films when you want to scream at the TV for the heroine not to trust the character and to run? This is one of those times, and for me reading this, and I daresay other posters that's what I want to scream at you through my laptop.

You are worth so much more than this - you deserve a man who makes you feel like the happiest woman alive, not one who you don't want to kiss and who creeps you out. X Flowers

LoupGarou · 31/05/2017 19:26

Sorry, cross post with you last post x

TeachesOfPeaches · 31/05/2017 19:26

Oh god OP, you've sent shivers down my spine. Why would a man in his 50s be interested in two 8 year old girls?

Please have a read of a list called 'Tricky People are the new strangers' (easy to google). It will help you keep your children safe from abuse. This man sounds like a paedophile.

QueenofEsgaroth · 31/05/2017 19:27

Weight has nothing to do with it, esteem is all. Be your own best friend, stop apologising for existing and see dating as fun and optional, if it's fun then good - don't beat yourself up with a perfect yourself list, life is way too short for that guff!

Be prepared for the crawling if he is what we think he is and block those calls, say bye and do not get drawn into anything further.

ShoesHaveSouls · 31/05/2017 19:27

OP, never ignore that inner voice or feelings of discomfort.

The last person I had that feeling with (husband of a friend of mine) is now serving a prison sentence for child abuse & rape.

I would advise you not to be friends with him - you feel uncomfortable with him - don't let him around your children.

LoupGarou · 31/05/2017 19:27

Don't ever feel foolish, abusers are very, very good at what they do, and its hard to see the wood from the trees sometimes, plus you worry that you're being unfair too. Its a perfect scenario for a predator x

RoseTico · 31/05/2017 19:30

I think that's for the best OP, and be kind to yourself, you've obviously been through a lot. Flowers

StarHeartDiamond · 31/05/2017 19:33

Ippy - there's nothing nicer than someone telling you what you want to hear when you feel crap about yourself or your life in some way.

But that's when you are at your most vulnerable.

It's not to say that if you meg someone genuinely lovely they wouldn't or couldn't be saying the nice things too.

It's just that you need time to test them out, to ascertain if the stuff they say is genuine or they have an ulterior motive. Like I said before, that ulterior motive could be just your friends and family, or home, for a lonely and needy man, as much or instead of the child aspect.

Boundaries are the first thing someone with an interior motive tries to break down. Encroaching on your life without invitation. When you tell this guy it's a no-go, make sure you take a careful note of his response and respect. It will tell you a lot even if he rings up a few days later just because he's "thinking about you and can't keep away". That's crossing a boundary you have laid down and once he sees you give up that boundary easily he'll know it won't take much to cross another. That's how it works.

Original poster
IppyDippyTippy · 31/05/2017 19:37

Thanks for that Teaches - I've had a quick browse through and it's really good Grin.

Loup - your'e right. I do worry that I'm being unfair. He might be completely innocent. But that still doesn't take away my gut feeling that it isn't right. And I'd rather keep myself and my DDs safe than worry about hurting someone's feelings.

OP posts:
harderandharder2breathe · 31/05/2017 19:40

Even if he's completely innocent, there's no physical chemistry between you and he makes you uneasy, relationships are ended for sillier reasons every day and you're only just barely beginning a relationship, it's fine to stop it for any reason!

TeachesOfPeaches · 31/05/2017 19:43

It's a really insightful article. Why don't you come and join us on the weight loss boards? Perhaps that will help to build your confidence.

Elendon · 31/05/2017 19:43

He's either going to be worth it or not and if there's a doubt, he's out. Do not feel bad about it. It's entirely your call. You are in charge. x

Original poster
IppyDippyTippy · 31/05/2017 19:44

Star - you're so right. You're all so right.

When we talk he seems so interested in anything to do with the DDs. I think that's what was bothering me most about this whole thing. I would've been happy to get to know him better, except in the back of my mind was always this little voice saying: why is a complete stranger so interested in talking about your kids? Most men would be more interested in learning more about me, and get bored about chatting about kids, but he never seems to get bored with talking about the DDs, what they've been up to etc.

Ugh, I'm getting the shivers now just thinking about it.

OP posts:
LoupGarou · 31/05/2017 19:49

Its one of the ways they get past your defenses though isn't it Ippy? I live in the US and there's a lot of advice here about "tricky people" as a PP mentioned. As part of that, the message is safety trumps courtesy every single time. Keeping yourself safe, and your daughters safe is much more important than being unfair to someone who frankly from an outsiders perspective sounds dodgy as fuck.

If one of your daughters came to you when she's older and asked you what to do in the same situation you'd tell her to run for the hills wouldn't you? Besides, who wants to be in a relationship with someone you don't want to kiss and who makes you feel uncomfortable?

blankface · 31/05/2017 19:51

in the back of my mind was always this little voice saying: why is a complete stranger so interested in talking about your kids? Most men would be more interested in learning more about me, and get bored about chatting about kids, but he never seems to get bored with talking about the DDs, what they've been up to etc

You've seen the light OP Flowers

Aeroflotgirl · 31/05/2017 19:51

I am glad you are trusting your instincts, they are there for a reason. The fact that you said he is not seem interested in you, but shows interested in your young DDS raises big clanging alarm bells. For all you know, he could be telling you a pack of lies about his past abuse, to reel you in. You would be devastated if he did anything to your dds, and you let him into your lives.

LoupGarou · 31/05/2017 19:52

Actually, have a read off the listen up everybody post in the relationships board, as it says there, hope Reality doesn't mind me quoting,...

Just because you've escaped a level 10 bastard, doesn't mean you should settle for the level 8 one that comes along. The only acceptable level of abuse is none.

Aeroflotgirl · 31/05/2017 19:55

The fact that he wants to date someone with children, Why! That would raise alarm bells too.

Original poster
IppyDippyTippy · 31/05/2017 19:55

I've taught my daughters from a very young age our password. If anyone wants them to go somewhere, and that person doesn't know the password, then they are to run away as fast as they can.

I'll be taking a closer look at the Tricky People thing, and going through it with the DDs.

FlowersFlowersFlowersFlowers to all of you wonderful lot. Thank you so much for making me see sense.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 31/05/2017 19:56

I think I'd go to the police station and talk to them about it anyway.

ImperialBlether · 31/05/2017 19:56

If he doesn't have a record, they won't do anything. If he has, they'll know what to do.

LoupGarou · 31/05/2017 19:58

"Yell and tell" is also a good thing to teach, though it sounds like you're doing an excellent job x

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