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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Clare's Law - WWYD

209 replies

IppyDippyTippy · 31/05/2017 18:02

My last relationship with the father of my DC was very abusive, and I'm terrified of starting something with someone else. I've been single for 4 years.

I've been on two dates with a really nice guy. On paper we're perfect for each other, and we chat for hours online. There's a real chance this could turn into something. He's very patient with me, as his DM was abused by both his father and his step father, so he understands. Him and his ex wife lost a baby, he's always wanted DC, and specifically wants to date some one with DC. He's met my DDs, and loves them.

What I'm confused about is whether, if this turns into something serious, I should ask him if I could do a Clare's Law check on him, given my history of DA, and that I have two young DDs to protect. I don't want to insult him, but if he has nothing to hide, then surely he won't mind. Or would he? Is it odd that he wants to date a woman with two young daughters?

WWYD? Would I BU to ask him?

OP posts:
Original poster
IppyDippyTippy · 31/05/2017 20:01

The fact that he wants to date someone with children, Why! That would raise alarm bells too.

He said he loves children, and has always wanted children. He also said he hopes my DDs don't mind being turned upside down and tickled. And this was before he'd even met them.

OMG! Why the fucking hell didn't I see any of this before!!!!

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 31/05/2017 20:07

Oh god, that is wrong so wrong, you just don't say things like that. My male friend has just started dating a lady with kids, he has none, but woukd love them, and is desparate to have them. But when looking for a woman he told me that he would prefer a woman without. He is much more interested in her, and the fact she has a son is an added bonus.

lalalalyra · 31/05/2017 20:15

I'm glad you are seeing the red flags and hearing the alarm bells.

Please don't let him be a friend. Your DD's, and any other children in your social circle, will trust your friends. Don't let anyone you have a bad feeling about build a relationship with your DDs.

I am super strict with my kids. We have long chats about stranger danger and about always talking to me or DH even if we know someone. Despite this a friend who is a lot of fun, who the kids adore and thankfully had no bad intentions, accidentally showed me that kids still forget those rules if they trust the person - they got in his car without speaking to me or DH and thankfully he was the one who was like "Erm, you need to ask your Mummy first...". Charming people can charm children so keep him away completely.

StarHeartDiamond · 31/05/2017 20:15

Ippy - it's not so much what he said about tickling, it's that he doesn't have any sense that it's inappropriate/could be construed as creepy to say that kind of thing. Even if he has no wrong intentions. It's wrong that he doesn't seem to have an awareness if his that might sound to a potential new partner with dds.

Again, referring to my earlier point re boundaries...

Trifleorbust · 31/05/2017 20:15

You took your children to meet him on the second date?

Oh and yes, it is strange that he wants to be with someone with children, specifically.

LoupGarou · 31/05/2017 20:16

Christ. That makes me feel cold. Please take Imperial's advice and speak to the police anyway. Sounds like he was trying to normalise touching from the start. Tickling is one of the most common precursors to child abuse Sad Flowers x

PeaFaceMcgee · 31/05/2017 20:19

Thank fuck you posted OP Flowers

Original poster
IppyDippyTippy · 31/05/2017 20:21

Thank fuck you posted OP

Couldn't agree more!

OP posts:
GlitteryFluff · 31/05/2017 20:24

Yes very glad you posted!

SquinkiesRule · 31/05/2017 20:26

Well done for posting and listening to the advice here. Stay safe.

Original poster
IppyDippyTippy · 31/05/2017 20:29

The thought of him coming anywhere near me now makes me shudder. Even if he is completely innocent, I'd never want him near me or my DDs again.

OP posts:
Original poster
IppyDippyTippy · 31/05/2017 20:30

Star - I take your point about boundaries. I shall be taking a close look at mine Grin.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 31/05/2017 20:31

All these separate things are coming together to firm a bigger picture.

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 31/05/2017 20:31

I don't see him wanting too date someone with children as a need for alarm bells. I have a few friends who do not want children so only date ladies who have children. Their logic is they've already got some they don't want more.

Google search his name and see if anything pops up like being arrested or been in the paper.

Aeroflotgirl · 31/05/2017 20:34

It is strange that he specifically wants to date someone with kids, is different to wanting to date someone and not being bothered if they have kids or not. That and these other incidences, are worrying.

SweetLuck · 31/05/2017 20:37

Are you going to text him to end it ?

Bluewombler2k · 31/05/2017 20:38

Kudos Ippy you really have listened to opinions on here and I think you are listening to your own too now. Ditch him, he doesn't sound right, some of your posts about things he said have made my toes curl. You will meet someone that is right for you at some point and who wants to be with you and not DDs. You are worth more, as are your daughters and I think you know this. I haven't experienced OLD but just from Mumsnet it sounds like dipping your toe in shark-infested waters. Drop him like a sack of hot shit and chalk it up as a very lucky escape for you all x Flowers

Original poster
IppyDippyTippy · 31/05/2017 20:39

I don't even have his number Sweet - will have to do it on FB messenger lol.

OP posts:
SmileEachDay · 31/05/2017 20:42

Ah come on OP.

You introduced your kids to him before getting his phone number?

Your quickness in that department added to the quickness of your "listening" to posters here and entirely changing your mind about him are very, very..I don't know. Unusual.

Bluewombler2k · 31/05/2017 20:43

Oops that should have been 'not just your DDs'

thethoughtfox · 31/05/2017 20:44

This is terrifying.

HatieCockpins · 31/05/2017 20:47

A long time ago I met someone similar to the man you describe- he knew a lot about my past troubles very early in our relationship, he was very friendly towards my young dc, he portrayed himself as a caring man who understood what it was like to be abused and hated abusers and bullies, the relationship felt very intense very quickly.

My instincts told me early on that something was wrong but I thought I was being unfair, or it was just nervousness. So I ignored my gut feeling and carried on seeing him.

He gradually became abusive.

By the time I managed to leave him, he had given me a permanent injury and ptsd. Years later I discovered that he had also abused my dc.

If I had used Clare's law to check him out it would have come back clear. Your instincts are there for a reason- Listen to them.

Original poster
IppyDippyTippy · 31/05/2017 20:53

Your quickness in that department added to the quickness of your "listening" to posters here and entirely changing your mind about him are very, very..I don't know. Unusual. I had doubts about him from the beginning Smile. And I've admitted I was an idiot for introducing him to the girls, even just as a friend. They are old enough to have realised he wasn't just another person I introduced them to. I feel so foolish!

Goodness Hatie, so sorry to hear that Sad Flowers.

OP posts:
Original poster
IppyDippyTippy · 31/05/2017 20:56

It's all the little things that make up the whole, isn't it. Classic case of not seeing the wood for the trees.

OP posts:
LoupGarou · 31/05/2017 20:58

Hatie Sad Flowers

You know, if it you had come on and said you'd met a lovely guy, you had a great feeling about him and got good vibes off him, I imagine the advice would have been completely different. Its your instincts getting bad vibes from him which are think are the real nail in the coffin.

I live in an area where there are big predators who will prey on humans from time to time, I have also done an awful lot of scuba diving with sharks (not cage diving, actually in the open water with them) and there can be virtually no noticeable change in behaviour when one goes from benign to on the hunt. A lot of times the only clue I've had is that suddenly my instincts go off like an alarm bell and I just feel the need to get away from the situation.

It is so easy to misread situations to your detriment, and I think we often have an conditioned response of "no, that won't happen to me, I'm imagining things". I would say that if it looks like a duck, swims like a duck and quacks like a duck, don't be too quick to deny that it is a duck, iyswim.

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