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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To message her and tell her to fucking back off

143 replies

StupidSlimyGit · 27/05/2017 23:50

I have a whole thread on the issues surrounding me and XDP but I am absolutely livid and might possibly need a grip handed to/some sense talked into me. Thread here if you want to read. Long story short he behaved disgustingly then had an affair with someone at the company we both work for when I was pregnant/had just given birth. I don't have the exact date it started.

Today he called my DD (7 months) something unusual and I asked him to repeat himself thinking I had misheard. It's fucking ridiculous and not something I would ever call a child Confused Turns out the OW, (who knows she was the OW) has decided it is cute and it is going to be my DDs new nickname. Has apparently told people at work this is DDs nickname and several have started using it. XDP had started using the name reinforcing this until I have absolutely flipped. She has previously posted on FB about meeting her "new daughter" aswell which I have put a stop to and he is not taking DD to meet this woman. I haven't allowed him to have DD on his own since I found him trying to take her to meet the bitch.

AIBU to not want her giving my DD stupid nicknames?
WIBU to message her and tell her the "new daughter" comments and stupid nicknames need to stop, and that she has overstepped the boundaries by miles and needs to fucking back away from my daughter?

OP posts:
Maisy84 · 27/05/2017 23:54

She sounds insane and spiteful - yanbu! Do you think they will stay together long term though?!

Maisy84 · 27/05/2017 23:55

I'm just asking because if they do it might be difficult to keep your dd away from her. I would avoid reacting as much as possible as that's clearly what she wants.

Ikillallplants · 27/05/2017 23:56

Totally out of order but you are going to have to rise above it. She is doing this for a reaction, don't give it to her. When people refer to your daughter by her nick name just look confused and say "oh you mean [real name] Hmm".

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 27/05/2017 23:57

YABU. He has every right to take DD to meet his partner, just as you would have the same right if you had a partner. You can't throw a tantrum and stop him seeing her just because he might take her to see his partner.

Livedandlearned · 27/05/2017 23:57

She really has overstepped the boundaries. YANBU.

Explain to exdp that you aren't ready to move this fast and you need him to see dd on his own, as he is her dad.

I wish I had better advice

Andrewofgg · 27/05/2017 23:59

The days when a PWC could protect a child from the moral corruption of meeting the NRP's new other half, married or not, are well and truly over.

PatriciaHolm · 28/05/2017 00:00

"Today he called my DD" - well, she's his DD too.

I know he's a total twatbadger. But she is his child too, and legally you have no right to prevent him taking her to see his partner. Maybe at the minute he's agreed, but if you continue being obstructive you risk court proceedings - after which he will be given contact, over which you have no control. Somehow you need to rise above it.

Original poster
StupidSlimyGit · 28/05/2017 00:01

I sincerely doubt they will stay together long term as she has form for being with men in relationships then leaving them when they are single and could actually date her. Hmm The thought of her touching my DD actually makes my skin crawl.

I won't message her, but it's nice to know I'm not getting angry over nothing Blush I do wonder sometimes if my reaction relates to the situation or if it's because of my MH and I'm overreacting.

OP posts:
Armadillostoes · 28/05/2017 00:02

YANBU But clearly neither this woman nor your ex DP have any decency. The best thing is to rise above it as best you can. At the end of the day she is your amazing DD and you didn't collude in someome cheating on their pregnant partner. Your have every reason to be proud of your DD, the OW has nothing to be proud of.

Ikillallplants · 28/05/2017 00:05

It's not you, it's them. The moral high ground is the only way. Do not show weakness. Your dd is tiny, she won't be affected.

Original poster
StupidSlimyGit · 28/05/2017 00:05

You can't throw a tantrum and stop him seeing her just because he might take her to see his partner.
Sorry I didn't make this clear. We are still living in the house together (me in DDs room with her) absolutely not stopping him from seeing his daughter just stopping him introducing her to the OW, I things get serious between them then yes I guess I will have to reevaluate that.

OP posts:
Tapandgo · 28/05/2017 00:08

You are definitely NBU. Infuriating behaviour from a clearly crass woman. Somehow you gave to sit in out in the hope she is history in your child's life

TheMysteriousJackelope · 28/05/2017 00:11

You can message her, but she sounds stupid and deluded, so it won't do a damn bit of good.

Nobody who knows her is going to believe this is her new daughter. They are going to know it's the child of her paramour's ex-partner who he cheated on while she was pregnant and respect her accordingly.

Ignore the daft nickname. Nobody who is a friend or relation of yours is going to use it. If they do, tell them to stop being so silly and use your DD's correct name. Unfortunately there isn't much you can do about your DD's father's side of things. If he's fool enough to let his daughter go around being called "Daisy Moo Moo" or similar it makes him look bad. Teach your DD how to tell people to use the name SHE wants when she is old enough and to not respond when people use the wrong name. .

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 28/05/2017 00:15

absolutely not stopping him from seeing his daughter just stopping him introducing her to the OW

That's better, but even so, you have absolutely no right to stop him introducing the two of them.

quizqueen · 28/05/2017 00:19

The first thing you need to do is sort out your living arrangements and separate formally.

Original poster
StupidSlimyGit · 28/05/2017 00:24

I'll use Ikillallplants suggestion every time I hear anyone using the nickname, I think I can do that calmly and still correct them.

They haven't been in a proper relationship yet, is it seriously ok to introduce your DC to someone who you aren't in a serious relationship with? They have just been sexting and having sex not actually properly dating or anything. She certainly hasn't introduced him to her DC and he isn't planning on meeting them just wants DD to meet her. I could grit my teeth and bear it if they were actually in a proper long term relationship but it seems so stupid to be introducing her this early.

It's upsetting that she hasn't even called me mommy yet and there's this fucking other woman trying to take my place in her life wanting to be called mommy. DD1 never got That's better, but even so, you have absolutely no right to stop him introducing the two of them. DD1 never got to call me mommy and now there's this fucking cow who it feels like she's trying to take my DD from me after causing all this trouble

OP posts:
category12 · 28/05/2017 00:26

He needs to leave the house.

Original poster
StupidSlimyGit · 28/05/2017 00:27

I have no idea what happened to that post this: That's better, but even so, you have absolutely no right to stop him introducing the two of them was supposed to be between the first and second chapter.

OP posts:
WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 28/05/2017 00:29

Until your latest post it was heavily implied they'd been in a relationship for at least seven months, in which case of course they'd want to meet.

If it's just a FWB situation, that's entirely different.

Original poster
StupidSlimyGit · 28/05/2017 00:39

We can't move out until October as we are tied into this tenancy till then and neither of us could afford it on our own on top of rent+ bills for a second place.
Sorry I wasn't clear I told so much in the old thread and then forgot to in this one Blush didn't mean to drip feed. They have been meeting up, sending inappropriate messages, talking online all the time but as far as XDP has made me aware she is actually in a relationship with someone aswell. Don't know if this was said to try and hide what was going on between them or whether it's true. They certainly haven't spent enough time together outside of work to be having what I would think of as a serious relationship.

OP posts:
WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 28/05/2017 00:40

Well in that case I think YANBU, but try not to get angry about it. I know it's hard, but the anger won't help anyone.

CherryMintVanilla · 28/05/2017 00:48

It's not even a serious relationship and she's making up nicknames for a baby she's never even met? She sounds ridiculous. And your ex sounds weak as fuck to go along with it.

He will have daily home contact with his DD until October, when she will be over a year old. At the point that you are living separately you won't be able to do much about who he introduces your DD too, but for now stick to your guns. Don't let him use your DD as a source of entertainment and bonding with his fuck buddy. It sounds like she could be out of the picture by October.

Armadillostoes · 28/05/2017 00:49

I find the attitude of WhatToDo rather unhelpful. It is entirely normal and appropriate to be concerned about another parent allowing an adult with whom they don't have a stable relationship to interact with a DC in an intimate way, regardless of the age of said DC. Rushing in and making assumptions was also not great, especially when the other thread was linked.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 28/05/2017 00:59

Armadillostoes Did you not see my latest reply?

I went off the information given on this thread.

What do you hope to gain from your post, exactly? It doesn't help the OP.

sobeyondthehills · 28/05/2017 01:22

Have just read your previous threads and I think people might miss the part, where you say you both work for the same company.

However I do agree with the suggestion of you looking puzzled and then going oh you mean insert DD''s name

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