Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To message her and tell her to fucking back off

143 replies

StupidSlimyGit · 27/05/2017 23:50

I have a whole thread on the issues surrounding me and XDP but I am absolutely livid and might possibly need a grip handed to/some sense talked into me. Thread here if you want to read. Long story short he behaved disgustingly then had an affair with someone at the company we both work for when I was pregnant/had just given birth. I don't have the exact date it started.

Today he called my DD (7 months) something unusual and I asked him to repeat himself thinking I had misheard. It's fucking ridiculous and not something I would ever call a child Confused Turns out the OW, (who knows she was the OW) has decided it is cute and it is going to be my DDs new nickname. Has apparently told people at work this is DDs nickname and several have started using it. XDP had started using the name reinforcing this until I have absolutely flipped. She has previously posted on FB about meeting her "new daughter" aswell which I have put a stop to and he is not taking DD to meet this woman. I haven't allowed him to have DD on his own since I found him trying to take her to meet the bitch.

AIBU to not want her giving my DD stupid nicknames?
WIBU to message her and tell her the "new daughter" comments and stupid nicknames need to stop, and that she has overstepped the boundaries by miles and needs to fucking back away from my daughter?

OP posts:
SherbrookeFosterer · 30/05/2017 01:36

YANBU - stay strong.

I hope happier days are just around the corner for you.

LittleBeautyBelle · 30/05/2017 04:08

In my opinion I don't think your husband has the right, after being unfaithful to you, to bring the other woman around your daughter. And the other woman has no right to come anywhere near your child. Your child is also his, yes, but you didn't choose to have this woman to be in your daughter's life. She along with your husband betrayed you and now she gets to play mom to your daughter. I know it is how it all is done but I don't think it's right. I would never ever try to worm my way into someone else's family, to undermine another mother with her child. I don't get why an unfaithful spouse gets to barge in the person they lied and cheated with to upend a child's life with a "new normal." It would add insult to injury. Why do they get to have it their way? He could have his time with his daughter without the other woman, wouldn't hurt him a bit. Why is the cheater given the consideration in the first place? It doesn't make sense. That's honestly how I would feel about it.

MaisyPops · 30/05/2017 06:20

Even if you leave the fact she was the other woman and sounds like a drama queen, it's not appropriate to introduce children to new partners that quickly. It doesn't create stability.

Tweetypie19 · 30/05/2017 07:07

I have every sympathy for you and your dd. I am completely baffled though as to why so many people on here seem to think the ow should have contact with your Dd. Only adults with pr have a right of contact, NOT floozies ot partners who are definitely unestablished in terms of stable healthy relationship. Should this go to court, it would be seen highly inappropriate for ow to have contact with your dd particularly as they are both still co habitting with other people i.e. You and ow boyfriend. It could actually place you and dd at risk. What if ow boyfriend finds out about her cheating and wants to come round and tell your dd dad a thing or two or even worse, attack him!! Your first responsibility is to your dd. Your legal responsibility is to safeguard her first and foremost. I very much doubt and decent parent would recommend your dd getting mixed up in this very self indulgent, irresponsible mess ow and dd dad have created. I agree, don't respond in an emotional way. Trust your instincts and stay clear and calm. In court ( I was in a similar situation) every time his ow turned up to a court case the judges would snap at her and tell her to leave immediately as it had nothing to do with her. He had actually married her. Maybe they sort themselves out in the future and have a great relationship, in which case I'd allow her to see dd only with her dad, but until then, hang in there, hold your lovely head up high, enjoy your daughter. Write down your clear points and stick to them. EXplain them to dd dad clearly and without emotion and don't aim any anger at the ow, not even through dd dad. Make it clear that it isn't about what he tells you, it's about the facts and what he shows you. This will stop him from arguing and trying to wear you down. Tell him also you don't want to know when he's seeing this ow. From today, hold your head up and start creating your lovely little life for you and dd. Focus on coping your way for when you are free from this awful mess. Show your husband your no longer wounded and encompassed by anger and hurt, but that you're starting to live again for your own benefit and your dd. He'll feel isolated and no longer desired by you. He will no longer have control. Best of luck. You can do this xx

StrangeLookingParasite · 30/05/2017 07:55

He's asked me to have a word with some people at work who have been giving her a hard time because she is finding it upsetting

This bit just shocks me. What possible reason could you have for doing this? Who fucking cares if it's upsetting her? She made her bed. And that he thinks it's even appropriate to ask you, fuck he's a cheeky arsehole. (Why yes, I quite like swearing, thanks for asking).
And all this seven months after she was born. He obviously thinks he's quite a prize. He has a rude shock coming.
God, they deserve each other, don't they?

LittleBooInABox · 30/05/2017 08:13

YABU - slightly. This isn't going to be popular opinion and I know she's the other women and did wrong, however it's his daughter too. You can't really stop DD from meeting her. At 7 months she won't really know what's going on anyway. So it's more for your benefit than DDs, and I know it's not nice to think about but what if they wind up long term? She'll have to see her eventually.

As for the nickname I'd ignore it. Pick your battles.

MaisyPops · 30/05/2017 08:21

little
Exactly it is HIS daughter.

Not the OW's.

She is not entitled to play happy families having wrecked the OP's.

If he won't agree to seeing the daughter separate from the OW then I'd be getting family to supervise contact or going through a contact centre.

It's not right to set a president that whoever daddy's latest shag is gets introduced to the child.

bbismad · 30/05/2017 10:46

YANBU...and I can't believe any court would rule so whilst you are still living together (but who knows!!?).

I would move out and leave him to pay the rent...

What a total piece of shit he is. I can't believe how much disrespect he can show to the mother of his child.

Original poster
StupidSlimyGit · 30/05/2017 11:07

Who fucking cares if it's upsetting her? She made her bed. I did struggle to not say exactly this to him when he asked me but I definitely thought it.

My MH team have said that in our situation the courts would be incredibly unlikely to ever side with him especially soon as I have never tried to prevent him from seeing DD so thankfully I am not worried if he does try that route. That said I doubt he would try it because I suspect he knows it wouldn't go his way aswell.

I do understand that if him and OW make a life for themselves and try to turn this situation into a stable relationship then I will have to allow her to meet DD however hard I find it, but I'm not willing to back down on her meeting DD right now for all of the reasons said in this thread not just my own feelings. Yes DD is only 7 months but if I allow him to introduce her to OW when there isn't a stable relationship then as MaisyPops said it sets a president which, if the likely thing happens and they don't stay together, could set DD up to be in a very unstable place as she grows up with women coming in and out of her life a lot.

Thankyou again for the support.

OP posts:
Mustang27 · 30/05/2017 13:36

I'm with you completely op, they need to actually establish a relationship first at the moment this is still just an affair and I don't know anyone that would be happy to let their children be involved in that.

Tweetypie19 · 30/05/2017 14:59

Well done you. You clearly have your head screwed on. I now have a new partner. However he didn't meet my children for months. We would just meet for coffee. It was lovely. We did this for about 6 months and then had a few evening dates, only when I knew I lived him did he meet my children. I certainly wouldn't start an affair with someone and whilst doing so introduce that person to my children. There isn't s judge in the land who would tell you otherwise. You're doing the right thing and you clearly have your head screwed on. For all you women out there who disagree, I genuinely feel it's so sad that you feel that if your partner was cheating on you whilst pregnant and once the baby had been born, knowing and working with you, and with you knowing the ow is still living with someone; would you really be ok with letting your child spend time in that environment???? If your answer is yes, then I suspect your the kind of parent who just wants time off from the children and doesn't actually care for their emotional well being. The law says you are responsible to safe guard your children emotionally and physically. The court would never rule in the ow favour so why the heck would any of you out there feel you should. Your children are your children today and forever. It's s parents responsibility to nurture and protect them, not a responsibility of some ow with clearly few morals and no rights whatsoever! I would get that man out of my house and hold my head up higher. OF course encourage his visits but keep your eyes wide open. Upur not just doing this for your child, you're also preventing a big cock up on your husbands part which could potentially damage his relationship with your child further down the line. X

ProphetOfDoom · 30/05/2017 18:23

If the OW is living with a DP then you have power. You could tell XP to leave asap or her DP will know about their affair. Blackmail? Yup.

DawnOfTheMombie · 30/05/2017 18:56

Hang on - OW is still living with her bloke playing happy families AND shagging your ex and trying to play happy families with him? And everyone at work knows?

Why the fuck has nobody told her DP? Christ. Poor guy.

Original poster
StupidSlimyGit · 31/05/2017 10:43

I don't know for certain that her "dp" genuinely exists but it wouldn't surprise me if he did. To be honest their behaviour is disgusting and if she is genuinely living with someone it just makes it worse.

The whole situation is really shit but I don't want to try to contact him or get involved in their relationship if he is real. I'm trying to just stay calm and as separate from the situation as I can. Every time he talks about her I just walk away and I'm spending time doing stuff with DD outside instead of in the house. She's come down in a rash though so it's off to the GP today and if it's anything catchy then we will be at home till it has cleared up. Fingers crossed it's just heat rash!

OP posts:
Blimey01 · 31/05/2017 10:53

Frouby

I would make up a lovely nickname for her. Something like wankstain. When your xdp asks why you call her that just say you think it's cute.
😂
What a truelly awful situation OP. As others have said you just have to rise above it. Flowers

Original poster
StupidSlimyGit · 31/05/2017 10:55

I have a few nicknames I use a lot in my head Grin trying to keep the moral high ground here though so sadly haven't used that suggestion yet. Also because we work together she could technically report me for bullying if I did.

The time may come though Wink

OP posts:
Frouby · 31/05/2017 11:00

Keep the moral highground OP. Out loud anyway.

You sound very dignified and brave. I hope your dd is feeling better soon and you can keep avoiding your ex. I wouldn't put up with him mentioning her at all. Get a squirty bottle of lemon juice and everytime he does squirt him in the face. That will soon stop that.

Original poster
StupidSlimyGit · 31/05/2017 12:34

Get a squirty bottle of lemon juice and everytime he does squirt him in the face. I love this, I so wish I could. The mental image made me laugh much more than it should 😂

Turns out she just has heat rash, so off to the park for a picnic and ice-cream! He's moping at home because apparently he wanted to come with us and I've said no chance if she's coming. Hmm

OP posts:
BigGrannyPants · 31/05/2017 12:54

OP taking the nickname stuff out the equation, you are perfectly within reason to request he doesn't introduce your DC to a woman he hasn't been with very long. It's not good for your DC to have fandoms brought in and out of their life, so YANBU to want to delay your DC meeting the OW or spending time with her. Try and let the nickname thing wash over you, it sounds like they are doing it in spite of you and want to get a reaction over it... choose your battles and your reasoning carefully.

BigGrannyPants · 31/05/2017 12:56

That should say randoms not fandoms!

Mustang27 · 31/05/2017 18:43

Seriously he thought it was appropriate to invite his leg over to your picnic. You are well rid,roll on getting him out of your space.

Original poster
StupidSlimyGit · 31/05/2017 18:54

Landlord is happy for me to remove my name from the tenancy with 1 months notice from now on Grin council are going to send me an appointment for when I can speak to them so fingers crossed!

Also would I be completely unreasonable to print off copies of their messages to each other that I've managed to get ahold of and whenever anyone asks me why we split up just hand them the messages? (disclaimer, I know I shouldn't, fantasising about it but I won't)

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 31/05/2017 19:07

I don't see why not! Keep it for when you need it.

ScissorBow · 31/05/2017 19:10

That's fabulous news Slimy! Fingers crossed you get a place soon!

Frouby · 31/05/2017 20:04

That's brilliant news about your tenancy slimy. At least you are not stuck in limbo until october and yay for your landlord being reasonable.

When you go and see the council really lay it on thick. Tell them about the emotional abuse and the impact on your mental health. Get your mental health team involved if necessary to tell them the impact your living arrangements are having. Before you leave make sure you get stuff of sentimental value out. And any important documents you might need.